Dark Side of the Moon
by blondie AKA robin
Summary: New Moon from Edward's POV. Witness how Edward agonized over leaving Bella, hunted for Victoria, faced the Volturi, and came to realize that with Bella was where he was meant to be.
1. Preface

_Author's Note:_

_Here's the real Preface - a peek at things to come...eventually!_

* * *

_"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark."_  
-Pink Floyd, _Eclipse_

**Preface**

Author's Chapter Notes:

_Here's the real Preface - a peek at what's coming later in the story. Can you tell where it fits?_

We made no sound as we walked across the cobblestones in the moonlight. The two vampires on either side of me were filled with questions, but neither spoke.

_How does he stomach animal blood? Why bother?_

_I hope he puts up a fight...an easy kill would be boring. He doesn't look like much, maybe he's fast?_

Neither one knew what my fate would be. The Volturi had made their decision alone, wanting to surprise me with their verdict. Apparently their power came with a healthy dose of pride and arrogance.

_"He should be here momentarily."_ Aro's voice echoed in Caius's ears. _I assume that you are in range by now, my young friend._

I scanned the other minds present, looking for clues as to my future, but Caius was guarding his thoughts as well. The white haired ancient was looking at Jane. _We should let her have some fun with this one,_ he thought, and he remembered how the last vampire she'd tortured writhed and screamed.

I should have been afraid, knowing that I was facing the sadistic young girl, but if it led to my demise, I didn't really care. I deserved nothing less. Bella was dead because of me. Physical pain would just disappear into the void created by her loss.

Only the end result mattered to me - that I became a smoking pile of ash.

Felix opened the golden door before me, and I calmly stepped forward to meet my fate.


	2. Birthday

_Author's Note:_

_Edward finally is speaking to me again... and what a story he has to tell! I hope you enjoy this first chapter of New Moon from Edward's POV - one bright, even funny spot in a very emotional story._

_One other note - I'm trying to follow all of SM's canon - including the recent release of the partial manuscript for Midnight Sun. I'm also following my two short stories from the unwritten portion of Midnight Sun: As Bella Sleeps and Phoenix Rising. Hopefully this story rings true to the twilight universe._

_Thanks to **psymom**, **qjmom**, **MarcyJ**, and **NoMoreThanUsual **for their time and great beta skills._

_As always, Stephenie Meyer owns all things twilight. I use her characters and dialog only for fun, not for profit, and intend no infringement or offense._

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

**Birthday**

_She'll be here soon_, Alice thought, and bounced on her toes excitedly. On yet another dreary day we stood in the parking lot of Forks High School, waiting for an equally dreary set of lectures. I didn't share the excitement of graduating that the other seniors in the school did, probably because I'd already done it a dozen times. This year was different, though, for one reason: Bella Swan.

She'd turned my entire existence upside down when she'd come to Forks, unaffected by the fear I inspired in other humans. Instead of screaming and running from me, a murderous creature of myth, she was inconceivably drawn to my side, to my ice cold touch, not shrinking away even when she learned what I really was. Her calm response to my admission of being a vampire still stunned me. The words still echoed in my mind, _"It doesn't matter."_

"Hi, Alice," Angela Weber called as her boyfriend, Ben Cheney took her arm and escorted her toward the buildings. _She looks happy today, even more than usual,_ she thought, and smiled back. Angela had accepted Alice and me almost as easily as Bella had; only increasing my admiration for her. Though she sensed the danger we presented, Angela was not one to judge or condemn. She was a purely good spirit, embodying every gracious aspect that her name inspired.

_Cullen looks nervous. I wonder what's up._ Ben tightened his grip on Angela's arm and waved tentatively to me, and I raised my hand in response. His sense of self-preservation was stronger than either Angela or Bella's, but it didn't bother me. We _should_ be feared.

"See you in class, Angela," Alice nearly sang as she made a perfect pirouette in front of me. Over the past few days she'd been growing more and more antsy, impatient for today to arrive. Even Jasper was becoming annoyed with her – a rarity, to say the least. I pitied Bella – she was only vaguely aware of what my sister was capable of.

Alice's thoughts were an incoherent buzz in my mind as she ticked off all the plans she'd made. "Alice, calm down. You're giving me a headache." I leaned against my car, trying to relax as I waited for my love to arrive. Truth be told, I was just as jumpy as Alice was, but not due to excitement, but concern. Bella had been dreading today – her eighteenth birthday.

The thunder of Bella's ancient truck finally broke through the noise around us, and my head snapped around. None of the human students could hear it yet, but Alice had. She glanced up at me with a smirk, knowing that it was still at least a mile away. _Only two more minutes_, she thought, and giggled, spinning a small silver square between her fingers.

The campus parking lot was starting to fill, but no one tried to park next to me – they knew that only one vehicle was welcome here. For a moment I listened to the mundane workings of the human minds around me, trying to ignore my hyperactive sister.

_There's Mike. Should I comment on how good his hair looks today?_ Jessica Stanley's unimaginative thoughts were the first to penetrate my consciousness. _I haven't seen him with anyone this year. Maybe… _She wasn't completely over Mike Newton's rejection, still living in her shallow world of denial, desperately hoping that he was secretly waiting for the perfect moment to take her back. While Mike deserved nothing less than the self-absorbed Jessica, her hopes were in vain.

As usual, Newton was completely oblivious to her stares. _Crap, was the vocab assignment due today?_ That idiot could never remember anything. I rolled my eyes at his thoughts; how hard was it to write down a due date?

Mike Newton had no idea how lucky he was to be alive. How many times had I considered relieving him of the burden of breathing in the past eight months? Every time he thought about Bella, _my_ Bella – how _pretty_ she looked, how _cute_ she sounded, how he considered himself above me – led to a murderous fantasy on my part. I'd imagined killing him in every excruciating, violent way I could think of, and it was only with enormous self-restraint that I'd kept from following through on my daydreams. I'd assumed that after the prom he would have finally dismissed all thoughts of Bella, but then she had to go and get a job at Newton's Outfitters.

Once again, Bella's thought processes were all backwards. "I need the money for college… and gas. You of all people should know that, the way you berate my truck," she'd said in an attempt to justify her job.

At the time, I'd fingered the money clip in my pocket, knowing without looking that I had more in my hand than she'd make in a dozen summers at Newton's. Her pride and self-reliance prevented her from accepting even a dime from me, even though it was a trivial gesture on my part. I drew the money out of my pocket anyway, anticipating the lovely look of chagrin that filled her face. I wasn't disappointed.

"Gas money is not a good enough reason. How much do you need?" I unfolded a crisp hundred and held it up.

"Don't even think about trying to give me money, I won't take it," she grumbled, and I stifled my smirk.

I pocketed the cash, but other ways of ending Bella's gas shortage began to fill my mind. She saw right through me, though, surprising me yet again by her astute perception.

"I'd better not win the lottery, or find a wallet, or a missing child or something that leads to a huge reward. And don't put gas in my truck while I sleep, either."

"You are being absurd. Would I do such a thing?" She rolled her eyes, correctly distrusting the innocent look I gave her. I leaned down and kissed her forehead, hoping to convince her in a different way. "What am I supposed to do while you are working?" I said seductively. When my lips touched her skin, the fiery thirst in my throat roared, but the pain was nearly pleasurable. It meant her vibrant body was close, safe, and human.

Her chin rose and she put her hand on my cheek, sending a different fire through my body. "You should spend some time with your family. I've been very selfish, stealing you away for nearly twenty-four hours a day. Go hunt with Emmett – he would love that." She'd sensed Emmett's frustration…she saw everything, didn't she?

"Bella…" I tried to argue, but she held up her hand.

"You know how much Charlie wants me to do this; I can't just ignore the job he helped me to get. It'll make him happy, and then maybe he'll lay off you."

Charlie. Of course he want her to do this, he'd been trying to separate me from his daughter for some time now. After Bella returned from Phoenix, beaten and up to her hip in plaster, the tenor of his thoughts toward me had been less than friendly. Anger and distrust swirled in his mind with unusual clarity whenever I came near, along with his own thoughts of violence. When he arrived home from work on that warm July afternoon, it was with a taunting smile that he gave Bella the offer from Mrs. Newton for a part-time job. I didn't need to read his mind to know it was his dream come true: Bella would leave my side, and be forced to spend time with the boy he thought she belonged with, Mike Newton.

The same frown I'd worn when Charlie made his announcement filled my face again. Bella stroked my cheek, making it difficult for me to stay angry.

"Working is something that humans do, Edward – but I'm always open to _change_," she said, and I winced. She couldn't resist picking at my resolve to keep her heart beating. I refused to damn her with immortality, and she refused to accept her humanity. The subject of our impasse was always a conversation stopper, and she'd used it to effectively close the subject of her employment.

Two days later we stood in nearly the same spot in her kitchen. "It's only for four hours," she said as she rested her head against my chest.

"An eternity." I took a deep breath, inhaling as much of her scent as I could. Four hours would not affect my resistance to the infernal thirst for her blood, but the pain would move from my throat to my chest in her absence. I wouldn't be too far away, though…

"You and Emmett have plans, right?" she asked.

"Yes, we do." Sometimes it seemed she could read _my_ mind. I changed the subject before she could ask what our plans entailed. "But I'll be right here when you get home." I leaned down, sliding my hand under her hair and against her warm neck. The heat was deceiving, giving the illusion of power and strength in Bella's fragile body, when in fact she was as delicate as a glass figurine in my hands.

"I'm counting on that," she whispered and locked her eyes on mine. Her pupils dilated as she stared, becoming unfocused, and I grinned, enjoying how I dazzled her. Our lips met, and my entire body exploded with sensual warmth. I could taste her scent on my tongue, barely resisting the urge to run it along her lips. When more volatile memories of her flavor surfaced, I pulled back reluctantly.

I expected her reaction, prepared for it, but it still stunned me. She pressed her chest against mine, and I felt every soft curve mold itself to me, separated by just a few layers of annoying fabric. For a half a second my mind wandered, wanting to experience her skin against mine – without the clothing – and the thought made me tremble. With great effort I continued to lift my head from hers, carefully breaking her hold, but not her bones. She was so fragile, so human… how I wished I was too.

"I love you," she said, her eyes pools of melted chocolate.

"And I love you." The words were so inadequate, but they were the ones she could understand.

I released my Bella and she winked as she got in her truck and drove away. Already I felt empty. The next hours would be torture.

Moments later Emmett's Jeep pulled into the same spot in the driveway, my brother rubbing his hands together in anticipation as I climbed in.

"So, bro, what are we doing? There's been a report of a huge wolf roaming the park…"

"No, we're going to town."

His face fell. _And who is in town? Like I have to ask._ "What's in this for _me_?"

Emmett's thoughts turned back to angry and frustrated. Bella was right, I'd neglected my relationship with him. "I'm sorry, Emmett. It's just that she's starting work today… at Newton's." The last word came out as a snarl, and I was surprised when he actually smiled.

"Bella is working at a sporting goods store? With Mike Newton?" His laugh shook the windows of the house behind me. "Well, that changes everything. Let's go!" The tires squealed as he backed out of the driveway and spun around.

"Why are _you_ so happy about it?" I sneered.

"Your girl will be spending the next few hours surrounded by bats, balls, racquets, fishing rods, and pop-up tents… I can't wait to see her demonstrate an elliptical trainer." His mind filled with images of Bella destroying the store, knocking over displays and getting tied up in netting. And in the middle of it was Newton, trying to help but receiving several lumps and bruises in the process. Emmett laughed as he imagined Newton explaining his injuries to Carlisle in the emergency room.

"Settle down, it won't be that bad," I said, clinging to Alice's vision that Bella wouldn't actually hit her foot with the bowling ball she was going to drop in about a 90 minutes.

"So what are we going to buy from her?" Emmett asked as we drove into town.

"_We_ aren't going to buy anything. She made me promise that I wouldn't visit her at the store today. You, however, are under no such restriction."

"And what are you going to do while I'm inside?" He imagined me disassembling Newton's car in the parking lot.

Hmm, an interesting idea, but even in the tiny town of Forks I would be noticed removing the body panels of a perfectly good car. "I'll be nearby, don't worry." Listening, especially to that dolt, Newton.

"So am I protecting Bella from herself, or Mikey from you?" Emmett asked with his eyebrows raised.

I gave him a toothy grin that would have raised goose bumps on every inch of Newton's oily skin. "Both."

"Cool." Emmett parked behind the store, keeping me safely out of view of the front windows. "Hmmm, maybe I'll take up archery."

"Emmett…" I started, and he laughed again.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure she doesn't get hurt."

I leapt to the roof and easily found Newton's bland thoughts. He was training Bella, showing her where the ladder was so she could reach merchandise on the higher shelves. My teeth came together with a snap when he stood very close behind her as she climbed the ladder to retrieve a box of shoes. Even though he didn't touch her, his thoughts were enough to earn him a death sentence from me.

_She smells great. Is that her shampoo or is she wearing perfume? Is she still seeing Cullen?_

"Get away from her," I said, mostly to myself. Emmett heard me as he walked through the front door, though.

_Don't worry, I'll take care of it. _He watched as Bella found the box she wanted and started to slide it out of the middle of a tall stack. Just as the pile tipped, Emmett spoke.

"Bella! You work _here?_" he said loudly, startling her. Ten shoe boxes came tumbling down on top of Mike as Bella grabbed the ladder to keep from falling.

I couldn't help but laugh with Emmett, watching the hiking boots bounce off of Newton's skull. Bella teetered on the ladder though, still a few steps in the air. "Don't let her fall, Em!" I cried.

He was at Bella's side in an instant, steadying the ladder and helping her down. Mike stood looking at the mess surrounding him, dazed.

_She's fine! I swear you are going to be the first vampire to develop an ulcer. _He looked down at Bella, who was obviously upset.

"What are you doing here?" Bella said through her teeth.

"I need a new baseball bat. Do you think _you_ could help me?" Emmett said sweetly.

Through Emmett's eyes I saw Bella huff and turn to Mike. "Are you okay?" she asked, shooting my brother a menacing glance.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Maybe I should get the stuff that's up high." He picked up an empty box and began to sort through the shoes, searching for the ones that matched the label on the cardboard.

"Let me do this, you can help Emmett," she said and gave Emmett a snide smile.

"Uh, okay, if that's what you want," Mike said. _Why doesn't she want take his sale? They all spend money like it's water. Maybe she's scared of him._

I sighed. Bella was as stubborn as ever, refusing to even take the commission from Emmett's purchase. Maybe having Newton be protective of Bella wasn't the worst thing. He'd better not let her climb that ladder again…

Emmett followed my nemesis over to the racks of baseball bats. "Do you like wood or aluminum?" Mike asked unenthusiastically.

"Definitely aluminum. Wood shatters way too easily."

Mike's eyes drifted toward Emmett's massive biceps. _I could believe he could shatter a bat._ The metal bats filled his vision. _Let's see how much he's willing to pay._

He picked one of the most expensive bats on the rack. "This one is the best we have, perfectly balanced, designed for maximum trampoline effect."

Emmett took the bat, wrapping his fingers around the narrow grip, and swung the bat slowly… for him anyway. "Hmmm, seems kind of fragile to me. Do you have one with a larger diameter grip?"

Mike surveyed Emmett's huge fingers. "Um, how about this one? It's a little more expensive, but it has a larger, carbon composite handle." _The only thing big enough for those mitts would be a lamppost. He could snap me in two without breaking a sweat._

I snorted. "Mike thinks you could break him in half, Em." Hopefully he would understand how much I'd love to see Newton suffer just such a fate.

Emmett took the new bat and waved it in a more threatening way, missing Mike's shoulder by an inch. I savored the fear that flooded Newton's mind as he stepped back nervously.

Emmett pretended not to notice. "I like this one. It's similar to my old one. I'll take it."

They walked to the front of the store, passing Bella on the way. She'd nearly finished sorting the shoes and looked nervously at the ladder.

"I'll put those up. Don't worry about it, Bella," Mike said generously. At least he understood Bella's limitations. "Why don't you help those ladies looking at the workout clothes?"

While Mike was waiting for Emmett's credit card to clear, his thoughts drifted in another direction. "What happened to your old bat?" he asked.

_Here's why you love me, Edward,_ Emmett thought. "Well… you know my brother, Edward, right?" He picked up a baseball from the stack by the counter. "Hey, I'll get this too."

Mike cringed at the sound of my name, and I smiled, knowing where Emmett was going. "Yeah, we've met. He dated Bella for a while I think." _I hope he had as much luck as I did with Jessica. Maybe Bella is free tonight._

I slammed my hand through the side of the AC unit next to me, leaving a fist-sized hole in the thick steel.

"Yes, he's _nuts_ about her." _Emphasis on NUTS!_ "Well, we were playing ball last week and I commented that Bella was kind of," he lowered his voice, "clumsy. He didn't like me talking about her like that, and proceeded to wrap my aluminum bat around a tree." He paused, giving Mike a chance to imagine me so angry that I could bend a metal bat. "He's a lot stronger than he looks," Emmett added.

"Wow, I'll say," Mike mumbled. _I really need to watch out for him._

Emmett wasn't finished. "I wonder if he knows that Bella is working _here_. He wasn't happy to find out she had a job, you know." Emmett scratched his chin, looking back at the ladder. "He's very protective of her."

Mike swallowed loudly. "He is?" _More like possessive._

"Oh yeah. You know how Bella looked after her fall last March?" Mike nodded, and I covered my face with my hand. What was Emmett doing now?

"That's nothing compared to how the hotel manager looked when Edward was through with him. Everyone _thought_ the manager fell from the third story balcony by accident. The skull fracture damaged his short term memory, so he couldn't point any fingers…"

Dammit, he was making a farce of this now. "Emmett, cut it out," I groaned. His flair for the dramatic would undermine all his credibility, just when Mike was starting to fear me.

_Let me work, little brother. Look at him shake!_

I focused on Mike's mind again, elated to hear his heart start to race as he imagined me throwing a man off a roof. _What would happen if Bella got hurt here?_ he thought in a panic, glancing at the display of hunting knives near the door.

"I'm sorry I doubted you, Em, that was excellent. He's terrified of me now. Thanks," I said, laughing. Who knew Mike was as gullible as he was annoying.

Bella came up behind Emmett just then, distracting me from Mike's terror. "Did you find what you needed?" she said curtly.

"I sure did. Are you and Edward going out after work?" _She's pissed, you know._

Of course she was. I looked at Bella through his eyes and saw the outrage on her face. When she caught the fearful look on Mike's face, her hands balled into fists. "Yes, we are. Do you need anything else?" The words were sharp, but amusing: a stern dismissal from a frail butterfly.

My brother fought back a laugh. "Nope, that's it." _She's pretty cute when she's mad._

"I'll tell Rosalie you thought that." I said. He was teasing, but I wasn't in the mood.

_Geez, calm down, Edward._

Mike handed him the bat, making a mental list of the safest places for Bella to work in the store.

"Thanks. I'll tell Edward I saw you," Emmett said and Mike blanched. I chuckled, satisfied that Newton wouldn't make any more advances on my Bella.

Emmett turned to Bella. "You should stay off the ladders, Bella," he said seriously.

"Thanks, Em," I said sincerely.

_No problem, bro._

Bella pointed her finger at him. "I can take care of myself. Go home, _Emmett_. Tell _Edward_ I'll see you both later."

She knew I was close, listening, and I would have to endure her temper when she got off work. Lucky for me, and Emmett, Bella's anger never lasted long, and I knew I could find a way to distract her. The memory of our last kiss returned in a flash.

"Okay. Bye Mike!" Emmett said jovially and left. _You owe me big time._

"I do. Thanks."

"Do we have to stay _here_ for the next three hours?" Emmett was swinging his new bat at his normal speed, whistling with it while he waited for me behind the store. I jumped down from the roof and he threw me the ball. _Come on, he's not going to mess with her – he'll probably do everything he can to keep her safe._

I listened to Mike's thoughts again, and Emmett's supposition was correct. Mike was concentrating on keeping Bella in the section with sleeping bags and air mattresses where she would be less likely to hurt herself. He even averted his eyes when she bent over to pick up a piece of trash.

"You're right, he's harmless. Thanks again."

Emmett clapped me on the back. _Ain't love grand?_ "How about we try out the bat? The clouds look pretty dark to the east." His phone beeped and I read the text message through his eyes.

_The bowling ball has disappeared - she'll be fine. Thunder in ten minutes. Meet you there._

My thoughts returned to the present as the thunder I heard was actually the sound of Bella's truck arriving at school. Mike didn't even look up as it rumbled past him, though his thoughts registered Bella's presence. I met his eyes as he glanced at me furtively, but didn't react. Mike swallowed quickly before picking up his backpack and striding quickly to the restroom.

So much trouble just so Bella could earn a mere pittance. Of all the human activities for her to insist on… and then to fight so hard against celebrating the most human of all events, her eighteenth birthday. Backwards. Of course.

As Bella pulled into her parking place, Alice spun the present like a top on the tip of her finger. _Do you think she'll like it?_

The question surprised me – couldn't Alice see Bella's reaction? I looked into her mind, and could only see Bella refusing the gift. Of course.

"I have no idea. You know how Bella is about gifts, so I wouldn't expect her to be happy, assuming you ever get her to open it." Every time I'd given her anything, even just a nice dinner out, she'd sulked and complained, not wanting to allow herself or me any enjoyment. She had so little in the way of material things and I had so much, why wouldn't she let me share some of that abundance with her? It was ludicrous.

But I wasn't willing to let her throw away this human experience, and Alice had been more than happy to arrange a party for Bella. I couldn't remember any of my human birthdays, and I wasn't going to let her forget this one. It was right for her to celebrate… what I wouldn't give to reach eighteen.

Alice barely let Bella put the truck into park before going to meet her. It was amazing that the rusty vehicle survived so long in rain-soaked Washington; it should have dissolved like a sugar cube in the constant deluge of rain long ago.

Bella slammed the door after she jumped out, sending another handful of the vehicle's exterior to oblivion. I'd expected her to be glum today… though it was completely irrational. The furrow between her eyebrows deepened as her vision drifted toward the simple gift in Alice's hands. I fought the urge to push past my sister and take Bella in my arms, though they begged me to do just that. Alice should have her chance.

"Happy birthday, Bella!" Alice called.

"Shhh!" Bella ducked, as if to hide behind the collar of her jacket.

"Do you want to open your present now or later?" _Now, please, now…_ Alice chanted in her head. She knew Bella wouldn't agree to either option, but this time she was hoping to change her vision of the future.

"No presents," Bella groaned, and I smiled. Even Alice couldn't sway my stubborn Bella.

"Okay," Alice said sadly, "later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"

"Yeah. They're great." Bella seemed to shrink down even further.

"I think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience." _…the first time…_ Alice added for my benefit, remembering her vision of Bella with a newborn vampire's flaming red eyes.

"Not today, Alice," I whispered quickly. Her arm was close enough to pinch – and I could do it so fast Bella wouldn't see it. Alice flinched away, seeing her future injury, and I changed my mind. Sometimes the threat was better than the actual punishment.

"How many times have _you_ been a senior?" Bella argued, unaware of the exchange between us.

"That's different," Alice said, turning to me. _Happy?_

Bella's eyes tightened, and I reached out to her before she could respond. Her face softened as she turned to me, gracing me with her beautiful countenance.

Though I'd only left Bella's side a few hours ago, I was already anxious to see her again. The time away from her was only a blip in my existence, the blink of an eye in my hundred-plus years, but every second of separation felt like a year. Then, when we were together, the clock seemed to spin faster than it ever had before; especially here in this purgatory that was high school. My perception of time was just one of the many ways that Bella had changed me in the eight short months I'd known her.

She threw her hand into mine, and I couldn't help but gently squeeze it. The heat of her fingers soaked into mine, traveling up my arm and filling me with warmth. Her heart stuttered as she 

peered up at me, and I smiled wider. Her brown eyes swallowed my view, and for a moment I was lost in them. She didn't seem to comprehend that she dazzled me just as often as I dazzled her.

_Happy Birthday, my love_, I thought, but didn't voice the words. "So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?" I said, tracing her lips with my finger, hoping that she felt the same electric pleasure in my touch that I felt in her balmy, supple skin.

"Yes, that is correct," she said formally, a delicious pink coloring her cheeks.

"Just checking. You might have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."

Alice laughed. "Of course you'll enjoy it." She tried to look ahead into Bella's future, but could only see me trying to coax my love to get out of her truck in front of our house after school. Until Bella decided she would attend her own birthday party, the future was a mystery.

"Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?" I barely kept my smile in place. Bella was all too familiar with 'the worst.' And with her luck…

"Getting older," Bella grumbled, and I couldn't help but press my lips together. So much for trying to avoid a very tedious argument.

Alice was undaunted. "Eighteen isn't very old. Don't women usually wait until they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

"It's older than Edward," Bella said sadly. I exhaled loudly, wishing that Bella could understand how much I desired to stay older than her – to grow old _with_ her. How _she_ was the fortunate one.

"Technically, just by one little year, though."

Bella considered Alice's words and then relaxed a bit. Maybe she _could_ see how much better it was for her to stay human after all.

"What time will you be at the house?"

Bella tensed again, and her grip on my hand tightened. "I didn't know I had plans to be there."

The vision of Bella refusing to attend her party got clearer in Alice's mind and I groaned mentally.

Alice did not accept this future either, and fought furiously to change it. "Oh, be fair, Bella! You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what _I_ want," Bella snapped.

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I said, hoping to calm Alice down.

"I have to work," Bella said smugly.

"You don't, actually," Alice replied. Bella's face went red again. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I—I still can't come over. I, well, I haven't watched _Romeo and Juliet_ yet for English."

As Alice tried vainly to convince Bella to forego watching the movie, I could see my sister's deeply buried temper rise. Finally it broke through and she turned to me with ice in her voice.

"This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or another…" The image of Alice dragging a screaming Bella through the forest was an unwelcome sight in my mind.

"Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday." Alice pursed her lips.

_Don't you dare side with her – you want this as much as I do, I know it._

"So there," Bella said. I almost expected her to stick out her tongue.

"I'll bring her over around seven. That will give you more time to set up."

Alice looked into the future and saw Bella and me walking calmly up the steps of my home, and brightened. "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." She jumped up and gave my cheek a feather's kiss before dashing off to class.

Bella sulked, having lost the chance to argue further. "Edward, please—" but I gently laid my finger over her mouth, her lips so soft against my stony skin. Enough arguing.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."


	3. Party

_Author's Notes:_

_Thanks so much for all the comments... did anyone catch the nod to SAM in the last chapter? 8-)_

_Alas, the fun has to come to an end. I hope that seeing Edward's struggles will help those who were so angry with him for leaving understand his reasons. Poor guy!_

_This is a very long chapter - Edward is very verbose. This gets us to the end of the first chapter in NM, I think...  
_

_Many thanks again to my beta team: Marcy, psymom, and NoMoreThanUsual._

* * *

**Party**

This school year was different from any other I'd experienced. Purgatory wasn't nearly so bad when an angel escorted you through it. We shared most of our classes, and though the material was a complete waste, learning about Bella was the education I most desired. In classroom situations her reactions were slightly more normal, more predictable, but she still surprised me with her knowledge and unique point of view. Every day brought a new insight into her being, and for once I actually enjoyed school.

The day flew by, and too soon I was escorting Bella to her truck. The rest of the afternoon would be spent fending off her attempts to avoid her party, not the most appealing of tasks. I hoped that Alice's vision was holding and that Bella would eventually agree to attending in a civil manner.

_Seven o'clock, Edward, don't forget._ Alice's thoughts whizzed past me as she sped out of the school parking lot in my car. My sister seemed to be under the impression that I was incapable of remembering Bella's birthday party—the event she'd been planning for a month. She knew perfectly well that I would remember; just one of the many curses of being a vampire was an infallible memory. Until recently, cursed was all I ever felt. Not any more.

The resistance started when we reached Bella's truck and I opened the passenger door, as I did every day.

"It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?" Bella demanded.

Not a wise argument on her part… "I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished."

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…" And Alice would dismember me.

"All right." I'd rather stand Bella's slow driving than Alice's wrath, so I went around and opened the driver's door instead. "Happy Birthday."

Her face twisted in what appeared to be pain. "Shh," she hissed weakly before getting in.

I looked over at Bella; her eyes narrowing slightly with concentration while backing into the exiting line of cars. As she cocked her head over her shoulder her full, pink lips turned down in a scowl. She was beautiful, though unhappy, and my throat burned hotter at the sight.

Time to fulfill the role I had to play for Emmett's benefit. I fiddled with her ancient radio, not surprised that static was the most I could get out of it. I shook my head, selling my dissatisfaction.

"Your radio has horrible reception." When I noted the inadequacy of her truck's radio, Bella bit my head off, she was so incensed.

"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car." Her words were so rarely sharp with me that I was caught off guard and nearly laughed aloud. Such ferocity from such a gentle, altruistic creature was oxymoronic, and I barely contained myself.

She continued to stew while I recovered from the force of her reaction, my mirth turning to frustration at her stubbornness. We pulled up to her house, and I decided it was time to use a stronger form of coercion to break her angry mood.

I took her face in my hands, barely touching her silky skin. Enclosed in the cab her scent permeated my very being, fanning the flames of my throat until they seemed to engulf my entire body. The sensation, though rooted in pain, faded to pleasure as it reached my fingertips. The memory of her taste, and the euphoria that accompanied it, hovered at the edge of my perception, always tempting me when we were together. It was a different temptation I succumbed to as I held her delicate face, though, and I leaned in close.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I said softly, purposely letting my breath waft toward her. The effect was immediate, and Bella's pulse and respiration lurched.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" she asked weakly. A smile grew on my lips as I devoured her with my eyes. Her eyes grew wide, and though I was trying to dazzle her, I was the one who stopped breathing.

"Too bad," I whispered. Slowly I bent down and gently pressed my lips to hers. Her warmth was always the first sensation that registered when we kissed, followed by the sharp but pleasurable prickling of electric excitement that raced through me. My breathing started again, and the paradox of pleasure and agony filled me along with the scent of freesia and lavender that floated on top of the aroma of her delicious blood.

As careful as I was, Bella, as usual, was not one to follow suit. The fire in her lips had barely begun to seep into me before her hands wove their way around my neck, pulling me closer. She inhaled deeply and her mouth began to move against mine; her tongue begging entrance through my lips. Her scent intensified as she pressed hard against me, and I smiled, always amazed that I could incite such a passionate reaction from her.

She continued to tempt me, pulling me to her with as much force as she could muster. I shivered, imagining the jolt I would feel if I _could_ explore her mouth the way she begged to enjoy mine. Bella had no idea how hard it was being this close but having to stop, knowing that so much more pleasure was just millimeters away. She trusted my control – and tested it often – not knowing that she fueled a fire within me that I'd thought had long since been extinguished. I'd always considered humans weak, shallow creatures compared to vampires, but the human feelings Bella ignited in me were stronger than anything I'd ever encountered. Stronger even than the most powerful vampire sensation – thirst.

She too was powerful, to have this hold on me. How I wanted to return her passion with the same intensity, to show her exactly how she made me feel, but it wasn't possible. She was so fragile, so breakable, and I couldn't allow myself even the slightest lapse in control for fear of injuring her, killing her, or worse, poisoning her.

As I disengaged her hands from my body, I felt her pulse hammering within my grasp. "Be good, please," I sighed. She sat perfectly still, and I kissed her gently. Her heart beat loudly, and when I released her she placed her hand on her chest.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" she said, not looking at me. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

"I really hope not," I snickered. Her heart was not only the core of her humanity, it was also one of the few windows I had into her thoughts. The way her pulse reacted to my closeness, my touch, even my words was something to be protected almost as much as her life.

Rather than bicker any longer, she rolled her eyes and opened the car door. "Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish, my command."

Once inside, I settled on the old couch in front of the TV, savoring the lingering taste of her kiss. She started the tape, and I pulled her against me gently, breathless as she settled her soft, warm back against my chest.

As I covered her with a blanket off the couch, my curiosity got the best of me. "You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo." I'd seen _Romeo and Juliet_ performed in every conceivable way and in more languages than I could count. I couldn't help but wonder why she loved it so.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" she said, clearly distressed.

Romeo was so impulsive, so thoughtless in his dealings, and I was unable to relate to him at all. Bella seemed to take offense at my criticism, and my inability to read her thoughts irritated me for the thousandth time. What appeal could Romeo have for the smart, thoughtful woman I loved?

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline—don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant." Surely she could see Romeo's copious flaws. "Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his happiness any more thoroughly?"

The credits ended and Bella sighed. "Do you want me to watch this alone?"

So it was to be punishment for my opinion? Two could play that game… "No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway." The delicate softness of her arm became the center of my attention. Goosebumps rose on her creamy skin at my touch, and I cursed my frigid body temperature. "Will you cry?" I asked, remembering the sweet flavor of her tears.

"Probably, if I'm paying attention," she said, her eyes on the screen.

"Then I won't distract you." _With my voice, at least,_ I thought. Every time I touched Bella, whether with my hands or my lips, her heart would react, sometimes speeding up, other times skipping a beat. Though I delighted in teasing her, when Bella rubbed her eyes, trying to stay focused on the television, I realized that if I didn't let her concentrate we may end up having to watch the movie a second time. I stilled, and turned my eyes to the story unfolding before us. As Romeo confessed his adoration of Juliet, I found myself finding new meaning in his words, and began reciting them along with the actor.

Bella shivered in my arms as I whispered in her ear, softly echoing the words coming from the television.

"_See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!  
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,  
That I might touch that cheek!"_

I continued to speak Romeo's lines, enjoying how Bella snuggled against me with each speech. Finally we reached the pivotal moment, when Juliet finds her love, dead. Bella didn't speak Juliet's lines aloud, but her lips moved synchronously with those of the actress.

_What's here? a cup, closed in my true love's hand?  
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:  
O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop  
To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;  
Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,  
To make die with a restorative._

As Juliet kissed Romeo, hoping to die with him, the tears streamed down Bella's cheeks. My lips found her hair, needing to ease her sadness, even if it was imagined. Her crying did not relent, and I tried a different distraction.

"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said, remembering Romeo tip the poison into his mouth and succumbing in seconds. My mouth was always full of poison, and yet I sat unaffected. Gently I brushed her tears away with a lock of her chestnut hair.

"She's very pretty." Bella said in a sour tone.

I nearly choked at her words. She thought I found this actress appealing when I had perfection in my arms? "I don't envy him the _girl_—just the ease of the suicide." Without thinking I continued. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"

"What?" Bella exclaimed, interrupting me.

She truly did not understand the depth of my feelings. How my life was inexorably bonded to hers; how I could only exist if she did. I tried to order my thoughts to impress this connection upon her.

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realized what he'd become…" I paused. Maybe I could also sway her away from her desire to become immortal if she realized how inescapable our curse was.

As I gazed at her profile, I could see the distressed look on her face, and I softened my tone. "And he's clearly still in excellent health." It'd been wrong for me to disclose my plans, I could see that now.

She wiggled in my arms, finding my eyes with her own. "What are you talking about? What do you mean, this was something you had to think about once?" Anger colored her words, and my regret intensified.

"Last spring, when you were nearly… killed…" My mind returned to the moment I saw her, lying broken in a pool of her own blood. A lump appeared in my throat, preventing speech for a split second. I gathered myself so I could continue. "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans." I remembered that terrible race through Phoenix, the torture of not knowing if she still lived, and how I'd realized that my life would end when hers did. "Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

I could see the memories pass through Bella's face as clearly as if I could read her mind, and I ached for bringing such pain back to her. Unthinking, she touched the scar James left on her palm. I watched her expression changed from fear, to pain, and back to anger as she considered my words. "Contingency plans?" she repeated flatly.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you," I said, frustrated that I had to spell it out so bluntly. She should understand this easily. "But I wasn't sure how to do it…I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help…so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."

The Volturi had more than enough power to quickly end my existence. Carlisle had seen their dominance firsthand centuries ago, and since then their strength had only grown. I would be but an annoyance, extinguished as easily as a candle.

Bella broke my reverie loudly. "What is a Volturi?" she nearly screamed.

"The Volturi are a family." Coven is more descriptive – they had no emotional ties as our family did – but family was a description she could relate to. "A very old, powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?"

"Of course I remember," she snapped. Her eyes drifted to my shoulder, no doubt reviewing the lesson I gave her in Carlisle's office.

"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do." Death was not the correct term, but again, it would suffice for her. I could only hope that the end would bring me some kind of peace.

Her gaze returned to mine, and her expression of anger transmuted to terror. She cradled my face in her hands as she spoke, obviously in earnest that I hear her.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" she chastised. So caring. A very old, blurry memory stirred in the back of my mind. So like my human mother. "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself." And yet understanding still eluded her…

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point." This promise I made to her, and to myself.

"_Put me_ in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault? How dare you even think like that?" Her voice grew shrill.

Of course I'd put her in danger. The day I decided to take the selfish route, the weak route, to share my world with her, I'd brought more danger to her doorstep than she could have ever imagined. Her propensity for attracting trouble may have initiated the process, but I enabled it with my decision. I've known since the beginning that the right path would be for me to leave her to her human life, but I couldn't find the strength for such a separation. Besides, she needed my protection – being the magnet for all things dangerous that she was.

Couldn't she see it from my perspective? "What would you do, if the situation were reversed?"

"That's not the same thing," she replied quickly. I waited while her brain caught up with her mouth. Her face paled when she spoke again. "What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go _off_ myself?"

In a rush, the image of Romeo's lifeless body was replaced by my own, and Bella sobbed over me. This was a scenario I hadn't considered. My imaginary Bella raised the dagger above her chest, and I cringed, swiftly erasing the scene from my mind. It wasn't the same. She would die someday, regardless. Her human mind would find a way to move on, unlike mine with its flawless recall, and in a few decades, she would find her rest, peacefully slipping into paradise. She wouldn't be condemned to the hell of an eternity alone, infinity without reason.

But I did feel the pain she perceived at the thought of outliving me, even if it was completely unrealistic. "I guess I see your point…a little. But what would I do without you?" In my mind, Romeo now leaned over his dead Juliet, matching the way I'd knelt over Bella's bloody body in 

Arizona. I held my breath, just as I had then, the burn incinerating not only my throat but everything inside my chest as well.

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence," she said as if it were obvious.

I sighed, knowing with certainty that she couldn't understand how it was her life, her love, that was the only purpose for my existence. Before, I was only searching for her, once she was gone, there would be nothing to find. "You make it sound so easy," I said, defeated. She couldn't understand.

"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."

She was so stubborn…still, after all this time, unable to accept how desirable she was to everyone, but so much more so to me. How that desire had absolutely nothing to do with how she smelled or tasted.

I started to argue, but remembered that this was supposed to be a day of celebration. "Moot point." I would discuss this no further.

Before she could formulate a response I heard Charlie's clouded thoughts, and rearranged Bella so that we weren't in contact. I didn't need to explain myself now.

"Charlie?" she asked, and I smiled, glad for the change in topic. Bella reached out for my hand, giving me a defiant look as her father entered with dinner.

As usual, Charlie's thoughts were murky, hidden in a thick fog. He was content, I could tell, only slightly distressed that his daughter was edging closer to the day she would leave him as an adult. They ate in silence, Charlie glancing occasionally at his daughter, noting how she resembled her mother. The realization brought him both joy and sorrow, though the reason for the latter was not clear.

After dining, and after saving Bella's camera from a disastrous rendezvous with the floor, she and I left for my house and the promised birthday celebration. I drove this time, without any argument from Bella, thankfully.

Painfully we crept through the twilight at speeds well below what I would tolerate in my car. Too bad Rosalie was so repelled by Bella's presence; she would enjoy adding some power to this obsolete vehicle. I pushed the accelerator a little closer to the floor.

"Take it easy," Bella said. She was so protective of this piece of junk. I couldn't stop myself from needling her.

"You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…"

"There's nothing wrong with my truck." She said, jutting her chin in my direction. I smiled to myself. So defensive. The kitten who would be a tiger. "And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on my birthday presents."

As much as I'd wanted to buy her something big, like the Audi, I had acceded to her wishes and resisted that temptation. "Not a dime," I said proudly.

"Good."

I rolled my eyes as I turned onto the driveway, but she didn't see my frustration. We were nearing the point of decision on her part, whether or not she would actually give in and let us celebrate her special day. "Can you do me a favor?" I tested.

"That depends on what it is," she said suspiciously.

Of course. I turned to her, hoping she wouldn't fight me on this issue. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited." Well, nearly all…

Bella's expression relaxed into surprise. What could she have been expecting of me? "Fine, I'll behave…"

But there was more. "I should probably warn you…"

Surprisingly, her demeanor didn't change. "Please do."

"When I say they're all excited… I do mean _all_ of them."

In this instance, Bella's reaction was exactly as I expected. Her face contorted with fear as she spoke. "Everyone?" Her voice broke on the word, and it was clear that she was thinking about facing Rosalie.

"Emmett wanted to be here." Hopefully Bella would focus on him – she loved my brother and his blunt sense of humor.

"But… Rosalie?"

"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior." If Rosalie stepped a toe out of line I would personally crush every one of her prized mechanic's tools with my bare hands, then mold them into a bust of my love's gorgeous face and embed it in the hood of the BMW.

Bella sat silently as we rumbled toward the house. My family heard us coming, Emmett guffawing at the loud rumble while Alice gleefully showed me her latest vision. I saw myself laugh as I escorted my love into the house. How we got to that future from where we were now was beyond me, but I tried to lighten the mood.

"So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?" As soon as the question left my lips, I regretted speaking.

"You know what I want," she replied quietly, and her words were like a knife in my heart. Her birthday was the cusp on which our impasse balanced: the marking of time for her; the ceasing of time for me. All summer Bella had asked, begged, pleaded and demanded that I do to her what had been done to me, take her soul and make her a vampire. Her argument was a simple one—she wanted to be with me forever. She ignored all the torturous aspects of my existence: the ostracism, the ravaging thirst, the boredom – let alone the eternal damnation – insisting that our love would make up for any pain she felt. She couldn't understand that she didn't belong in this hell.

But there was no reasoning with her, and I was tired of this argument. "Not tonight, Bella. Please."

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want," she said flippantly.

Her words elicited an angry growl from me. Pity Alice if she should ever consider such a thing. Bella's ingenuity would have to be circumvented, however, and I would make a point of discussing the issue with Alice – and Carlisle as well – when the opportunity arose. "This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella."

"That's not fair!" she cried, childishly.

My teeth slammed together, preventing an equally childish retort. It wasn't her fault she couldn't understand, I told myself, trying to quell my frustration.

As we approached the house, I focused on the others' thoughts as they waited for us to arrive. Everyone was happy and excited; everyone but Rosalie, adding to my irritation. Her hatred of Bella was flowing, having been coerced by Emmett into participate in today's festivity. _This is completely ridiculous_, she thought.

Jasper winced at the conflicting emotions he was sensing as they waited, wishing, as he did nearly every day, to be rid of the gift that he saw as a curse. We rounded the last bend and the house came into view.

"Nooooo," Bella moaned when she saw the over-decorated steps.

Alice had gone too far, as usual, and now Bella was even more upset. I tried to calm myself, putting our squabble out of my mind. My only hope of getting Bella to come in with me would be to dazzle her yet again, and I took a few deep breaths, trying to find the calm I would need to sway her.

I stopped the truck and turned to Bella. She was working to control her own respiration as well. "This is a party. Try to be a good sport," I said evenly.

"Sure," she mumbled, and I sped around and opened her door.

As she took my hand, the familiar crease appeared between her eyebrows. "I have a question," she said.

I braced myself for her inquisition, but said nothing.

"If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?"

As usual, Bella had come up with something completely unexpected. Hadn't she realized that all the myths were just that, myths? The thought that I would be invisible to film, or mirrors for that matter, was completely hilarious, and I burst out laughing. Chuckles rippled through the house as well, lightening everyone's mood, save Rosalie's. She elbowed Emmett hard, forcing him to stop laughing with a quiet "Ow."

On that note, I escorted Bella up the steps and through the door where she was greeted by a loud "Happy Birthday!"

As I kissed the top of her head I added my own silent wish. _Happy birthday, Bella, my love. May you have many more._

Bella was the center of nearly everyone's thoughts to varying degrees, but when I closed the door behind us, the focus shifted in an instant. The motion of the door sent Bella's scent swirling through the room, making self-control everyone's primary concern. What caught my attention was Jasper's reaction.

He gripped the banister tightly as he was assaulted by the raging thirst of six other vampires. I caught his eye and he shook his head._ I'm fine. It's just the initial shock that's difficult. I prepared, Edward. _Annoyance colored his thoughts as he caught glances from the rest of the family as well.

My brother opened his eyes wider in defiance so everyone could see the light amber of a well-fed immortal staring back. He seemed calm now, but still…

_It'll be fine, give Jasper a break,_ Alice thought, showing me the laughter that would soon sound when Bella opened her gifts.

Reluctantly I released Bella so that Esme could wrap her arms around my love carefully. Her thoughts filled with the same love she had for all her children, accepting Bella easily as her daughter. If only it could be so. When she kissed Bella's forehead I was stunned. Not a single predatory thought crossed my mother's mind; it was as if she was kissing one of us. Apparently my affection wasn't the only one strong enough to overcome the thirst.

Bella cringed as she looked around at the plethora of pink that filled the room. Alice had purchased every pink rose and candle from here to Seattle, and they were everywhere. If Bella hadn't been present, the room would have reeked with wax and smoke; only hints of the long-stemmed roses would have been detectable. With her standing next to me I smelled none of it.

"Sorry about this," Carlisle whispered loudly to Bella. Touching Bella was not nearly the challenge for Carlisle that it had been for Esme, and he squeezed her shoulders affectionately. "We couldn't rein in Alice."

Rosalie and Emmett stepped up next, and my sister managed to keep her expression stoic. Emmett, however was beaming.

"You haven't changed at all," he said, teasing. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

In truth, Emmett noted every single change. Bella's hair was longer, due for a trim soon. Her figure was slightly more defined, accentuated by her snug jeans. The remnants of Alice's last grooming attack showed on Bella's fingernails, which were still smooth and round. She hadn't grown, but had become more confident around my family, standing taller, though she did waver momentarily before my mountain of a brother. He towered over her, resisting the urge to pat her on the head like a pet.

_And she's still human,_ he added for my benefit. Brothers…

Bella blushed more, "Thanks a lot, Emmett."

He laughed, "I have to step out for a second. Don't do anything funny while I'm gone." _I wish I could see her face when she opens the box. _He chuckled silently as he exited out the front door.

"I'll try," Bella said, rolling her eyes.

She glanced across the room at Jasper, and when he didn't follow Alice to her side, she smiled at him carefully. I felt a glimmer of hope that Bella's self-preservation might still be intact. Perhaps she could sense Jasper's struggles as well.

"Time to open presents," Alice announced, leading Bella to a long table set up next to my piano. An enormous pink sheet cake sat in the center of the table, flanked by another vase of pink roses on one side, and a small stack of immaculate, silver-wrapped presents on the other. The ebony of the piano was a sharp contrast to the bright pink cake.

Tucked behind the presents was a tall stack of glass plates, and I stifled a groan. I hoped that Alice didn't expect us to eat the cake. Mass vomiting wasn't usually part of normal birthday party festivities.

Bella's face fell, but there was something about the look that was false. Was she really going to accept her gifts graciously?

"Alice I know I told you I didn't want anything—"

"But I didn't listen," Alice interrupted, glowing as she too saw the tiniest glint of excitement in Bella's eyes. "Open it," she commanded, handing Bella the largest of the three packages.

I predicted Bella's reaction, her hesitance to recklessly rip the paper and quickly discover the prize. She took the box carefully, clearly surprised at its lack of substance. First she read the tag, then tipped it from side to side, looking for a place to tear the paper, but also discovering that the present's contents didn't make a sound. Her eyes darted around at us as she tore at a corner of the paper, revealing the labels on the box.

Still confused, she squinted as she examined the writing, and I pressed my lips together as she found the top of the box and opened it. She looked inside, and her eyes widened, finding it empty.

_She has no idea what it is!_ Rosalie thought loudly, grinning for once.

"Um… thanks?" Bella said, not as a statement but as a question.

Jasper laughed the loudest, covering my chuckle. "It's a stereo for your truck. Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

Bella sighed at Alice, but then smiled warmly. "Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," then looked at me. She pursed her lips, still smiling, easily conveying her recognition of my insulting her truck earlier. There was nothing but joy in her look, though, and the sight warmed me like only the sun could.

"Thanks, Emmett," Bella called slightly louder, and joined his raucous laugher with her own quiet giggles.

_She truly is wonderful, Edward,_ Carlisle thought, recognizing that Bella had already accepted that Emmett could hear her without yelling.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice nearly screeched. She still hadn't seen Bella's reaction to the gift – the future was mysteriously clouded. Was Bella going to refuse to open my present?

In answer she turned to glare at me with a hard look on her face. "You promised," she said darkly.

Just then Emmett bounded back into the room, having completed his task. "Just in time!" he bellowed, every one of his deadly teeth sparkling in the bright lights.

Bella's gaze hadn't wavered from my face. "I didn't spend a dime," I swore, raising my hand. She'd been fine with the radio—was it only presents from _me_ that disturbed her?

A lock of hair strayed across Bella's face, ever so slightly hiding her eyes from me, and I reached out and tucked it behind her ear gently. Bella's heart skipped a beat, and Esme squeezed Carlisle's hand at the sound.

_He's so gentle with her… it's lovely, Edward._

Bella took a deep breath, still unsmiling. "Give it to me," she said, resigned.

Emmett chuckled. _She really won't take _anything_ from you, will she?_

I glanced at him and rolled my eyes. So it seemed.

Bella took the package, but didn't take any time to figure it out. The shape and size should make it obvious to her what it was, but without a thought she forcefully shoved her finger under the edge of the wrapping.

Before Bella could tear the paper, the skin of her finger gave way to the surprisingly sharp edge. To my horror, a single drop of her blood began to appear, and time slowed to a crawl. Just the sight of the tiny but growing red dot was enough to cause my throat to explode in scorching pain, and my stomach twisted inside me, anticipating another taste of the sweet perfection of her blood. By the time the magnificent aroma of Bella's blood bloomed, the hunter in me, the monster, found new life, quickly choosing which arteries would provide the most satisfying meal while drawing out the pleasure as long as possible. My vision blurred for a split second as the scent became a flavor, an overwhelming, ecstatic taste, recalling the last time her blood had crossed my lips.

"Shoot," Bella said only a second after sensing the cut, and as before, the sound of her voice broke me out of my fantasy. My breathing ceased, bringing no relief, but enabling me to maintain my tenuous hold on self-control. The thoughts of my family overwhelmed me as they all fought to maintain their composure, cutting off their air supplies one by one. Their thirst was nothing compared to mine, but their thoughts served to enflame my parched throat even further. I beat the monster back again. I couldn't hurt Bella. I _wouldn't_ hurt her.

My love was unaware of the struggles around her, and slowly turned the cut and its single drop of blood toward her face. At that moment, two images appeared, superimposed in my mind: from Alice, the sight of Jasper diving for Bella; from Jasper, the dark brown tresses of Bella's hair inches from his eyes as his lips met her throat. In the next millisecond Jasper tensed for the leap, and I reacted out of instinct.

With most of my last breath I screamed, "NO!" moving swiftly to intercept my ravenous brother. He was so fast that my only option was to push Bella away, becoming a stone wall between her supple skin and Jasper's razor sharp teeth. His body crashed into mine, his mind completely filled with a bloodlust at least equal to mine, but without any leash to restrain it. Our arms locked together, and with a fury equal to his lust I held him back.

_Her – I have to have her! Get out of my way! _his thoughts screamed. It was as if Jasper had regressed back a newborn vampire – his entire being was driven by only one word, _blood_. He snapped at me, desperately trying to make his way to Bella. Just as I secured my grip on him, I heard a crash, and Jasper's struggle increased.

His mind raced as he watched Bella, lying in a pile of shattered glass, her arm covered in glass shards. I saw the carnage through his eyes, and the fire reached out from my throat to fill me completely. The scent of her blood was so thick I could actually taste it through Jasper's thoughts, but he only had a vague idea of the true pleasure the warm, vermillion liquid embodied. Pulse by pulse the feast poured out… so enticing… and the thoughts of the rest of my family also filled with 

temptation. I couldn't contain the growl that crossed my lips – my inner demon was not only thirsty, but possessive.

_Blood… Waste… Mine…_ Incapable of coherent thought now, Jasper focused only on the blood pooling around Bella. A deep, animalistic snarl ripped out of his chest, his teeth flashing as he repeatedly lunged against me toward her. His defenses fell as he was consumed by his scorching desire, and I saw my chance to rip into his throat, ending the threat to my love, my desire.

_NO EDWARD, DON'T!_ Alice screamed in her thoughts, her flash of the future showing me not only her grief, but also Bella's horror at the sight of Jasper's severed head rolling across the floor. The sight distracted me just enough to see Emmett approach thirstily behind our crazed brother.

Was he coming to my aid, or Jasper's? "She's mine," I growled quietly, angling Jasper's body between Bella and Emmett as he continued to thrash mindlessly against my grasp. I sampled the thoughts around me, looking for more attackers, but no one else moved. Emmett wrapped his arms around Jasper, pulling him back, separating us.

Behind me, Bella lay bleeding, and as I fought to protect her from Jasper, I also battled against myself. The venom was nearly overflowing my lips, the burn in my throat so intense that when my hands became free, I barely resisted the urge to turn on her myself. I saw my love's face through Alice's eyes, and realized that the reason she was bathed in blood was not due to Jasper, but because I'd carelessly flung her into the table full of glass.

What have I done?


	4. Stitches

_Author's Notes_

_Thanks to all of you who are taking this sad journey with Edward and me - I appreciate all the reviews!_

_As was the case with the previous chapters, this one covers only part of SM's chapter 'Stitches'. Our Edward has so much more going on..._

_A couple notes on this chapter: As several have noticed I'm trying to follow what has been canonized in the partial release of Midnight Sun. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it!_

_For one part though, I'm using my own story 'Phoenix Rising' as background. I hope you'll bear with me... 8-)_

_Thanks again to my fabulous beta team, psymom, MarcyJo, and NoMoreThanUsual. Be sure to check out their stories, too!_

* * *

**Stitches**

_I've got him, Edward. Relax._ Emmett's thoughts were steady – he had his thirst under control. I didn't move, not trusting anyone around me.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside," Carlisle ordered.

Emmett nodded his assent. "Come on, Jasper," he said with the last of his air, dragging our brother toward the door. Jasper continued to fight, turning his attacks on his captor. His thoughts were completely incoherent, just a jumble of violent, feral reactions.

I growled, louder this time, as I looked around, preparing to defend Bella against the rest of my ravenous family while also fighting my own urge to take her. Wisely, no one moved toward me.

_Maybe now you'll see that she doesn't belong here, Edward,_ Rosalie thought as she helped Emmett drag an animalistic Jasper outside. I bared my teeth at her, but she didn't react.

_I have to get away, the smell is so strong…_ Esme was beginning to panic, her thoughts starting to fragment as Jasper's had, and quickly followed behind Rosalie. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she wailed, covering her face with her hand.

Only Alice and Carlisle were left now, and Bella sighed behind me.

Slowly Carlisle took a single step toward Bella, holding his hands apart, palms up. "Let me by, Edward," he said, his thirst controlled, but strong. _She needs medical attention,_ he thought.

Alice swallowed hard then showed me the immediate future: Carlisle stitching up Bella in the kitchen. Her confidence in the vision quelled her thirst, and I relaxed my stance and let Carlisle approach. The only remaining threat to Bella was me.

The urge to protect had overshadowed the thirst, but now that the danger had been mitigated, there was little to distract me from the combustion in my throat. I clenched my teeth trying to focus on helping my love rather than ending her life.

_Her vitals are strong… no sign of shock… no broken bones…_ Carlisle carefully examined Bella while I stood back and watched. Her expression of horror was unmistakable, but she quickly attempted to smooth her features as he knelt down to her. The bravery she displayed was admirable, if foolhardy. She _should_ be terrified. And the worst monster of all still stood over her…me.

"Here, Carlisle," Alice said, handing him a kitchen towel, doing much more to help than I could at the moment. I knew it would be insufficient – Bella's injuries were beyond the help of simple first aid.

With a shake of his head he thwarted her offer. "Too much glass in the wound." _She'll require stitches, but she'll be fine, Edward. It's just a deep cut. Are you alright?_

I didn't answer; I wasn't going to waste the little air in my lungs on such a useless question. Of course I wasn't alright – he should know that. Yet again Bella had been seriously injured, and it was all I could do to just stand here, holding my breath. Carlisle tied a piece of the tablecloth around her arm – stemming the flow of blood. At least now she wouldn't bleed to death.

Bella's face paled, and I tried not to think about the scent that was undoubtedly making her woozy.

My father's supreme compassion showed in his soft voice. "Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" He knew what her answer would be as well as I did, even without seeing Alice's vision.

"Here, please," she whimpered. In private, I added in my head. She thought she was hiding her weakness from the world, and probably her father, but was instead endangering herself further by remaining here. I listened to the group outside… Jasper was regaining control of himself, but still struggled against Emmett. My protective side strengthened again.

"I'll get your bag," Alice offered, keeping her distance from Bella. Her control was solid, but she knew her limits.

Carlisle nodded this time. "Let's take her to the kitchen table," he said, looking up at me. _You can go, I'll take care of her._

In response I stepped forward and gently lifted Bella. She was so brave; I wasn't going to let my frailty show either.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked as we walked.

"I'm fine," she said automatically, but there was still an edge of fear in her voice. As there should be. Her warmth, her pulse, radiated through my arms, tempting me. A yell from outside was a welcome distraction as Jasper fought to escape his captors. He was begging to leave, to run away, his shame eclipsing the thirst he felt earlier. Alice was staring sadly out of the kitchen window, listening to him suffer. At least _her_ love was uninjured, I thought viciously. I could change that…

She shot me a menacing glance, seeing all the possibilities in Jasper's near future. _Don't even think it_, she warned as I set Bella down.

Bella tried not to grimace as we adjusted her arm on the table, always the brave one. _Oh Bella, I'm sorry… _Alice thought.

I stood next to my love, fighting back all the emotions and feelings and thoughts save one… _she needs me._ No matter how hard this was for me, she was the one in pain, and I should be here with her. The burn inside me increased as I watched another drop of blood fall from her arm onto the table.

"Just go, Edward," Bella said, putting her needs below mine… again.

"I can handle it," I said, using up most of my remaining air.

"You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air." Carlisle injected her with a local anesthetic, and Bella inhaled through her teeth in pain. Needles were what she truly feared, rather than the murderer sitting next to her.

"I'll stay," I said with my last gasp of air. With my lungs empty, I would suffer with her in silence.

"Why are you so masochistic?" she mumbled, but I couldn't respond. She spends nearly all her time with the one creature who could kill her in less than a second, who desires to do so with every breath he took, and who had nearly succeeded on more than one occasion… and she calls _me_ masochistic?

Carlisle sided with Bella. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

No, it was Alice that Jasper wanted, not me.

"Yes, go find Jasper," Bella added, finding her strength again. Was she just being selfless, or was she really pushing me away?

"You might as well do something useful," Alice added, making it three against one. _Tell Jazz I'll be there in a minute._

They all knew I couldn't answer, that I'd run out of air. I considered taking a breath, but the flames rose higher, anticipating the flavor from Bella's open wound that would assault my throat. _Fine_. I did have a few things to say to my brother. I nodded to my love before leaving. In moments I was across the lawn and in the trees.

The first sense I had of Jasper was his shame. _I could have killed Bella. She was so scared._ Her fear barely registered in his memory, only a twinge compared to the ravenous desire he'd succumbed to in that moment. When his thoughts turned back to himself, my anger grew.

Esme was worrying – about Bella, about Jasper, and about me.

As usual, Rosalie was the center of Emmett's attention, but he too spared a thought for Bella. The sympathy of my family should have provided some comfort, but it only served to amplify my own shame. I should be with her, not trying to assuage my brother's conscience.

"Maybe we _should _ let him go, give him a head start, to make it fair. Edward's going to be gunning for you, Jasper." Rosalie said.

"Stop it, Rosalie, you are incorrigible," Esme scolded.

There were no concerns in Rosalie's mind; vindication was the only thought in her head. But even she was enjoying this situation too much, and Emmett chuckled in response uncharacteristically. They were unaware that their emotions were not entirely their own.

They were gathered a few miles away, at the edge of the river. As Jasper lamented, he also plotted, wanting to hide as much out of shame as out of fear – of me. He was counting on Rosalie to distract Emmett long enough for him to break free. My shallow sister didn't realize that he was manipulating her emotions as he shifted his strategy away from humor.

A wave of lust filled Rosalie and she put her arms around Emmett's shoulders. "There's so many other things we could be doing right now," she said seductively.

This time Emmett responded without Jasper's help, and his grip loosened. In the blink of an eye Jasper vanished.

"Jasper!" Esme yelled, but it was too late. He dashed into the woods, dodging trees and fallen logs. I was already in a sprint when Emmett slipped, and was only a blur as I ran between Esme and Rosalie.

"You can't run from _me_, Jasper," I threatened. All the restraint, all the control I'd been exerting over myself fell away, scattering like leaves before a freight train. The cool air cleansed me, dulling the burn and fueling my speed… and my rage. In two seconds I could see Jasper, in three I tackled him, taking him to the ground roughly. "You _bastard_," I snarled.

I was overwhelmed with remorse emanating from my brother, and he flung me off his back. Twisting in the air, I landed in a crouch, ready to attack.

Jasper sprang to his feet, prepared for me. "You know how sorry I am, Edward. I tried, I really did."

I lunged at him again, anticipating his reaction, and getting hold of his shoulders. "You _tried_?" Why he even bothered was beyond me. This life wasn't for him. He was a hunter only, and always would be.

_How is she Edward? Is she okay?_ Jasper tried again to deflect my anger, flooding me with his disgrace, his self-hatred for his weakness. This time the distraction didn't work, acting instead like gasoline on a wild fire, turning everything in my vision a fiery red.

"You nearly killed her. Do you have any idea how _that_ makes me feel?" I yelled, shaking him violently. My heart easily mirrored Jasper's shame, adding to it all the agony, the fear, the torture I'd felt every time I'd seen Bella near death. Under a car in Forks… lying on a ballet studio floor… and just minutes ago with Jasper salivating over her. All my frustration at the impossible situation I was in – being so strong, but unable to protect the one thing that mattered most to me… desiring to love her, but dying to kill her… fighting every day against the future that both Bella and Alice constantly pummeled me with… everything poured out of me.

The force of my emotion stunned Jasper, and he stared at me with wide, golden eyes as I slammed him against a boulder, embedding him in its smooth face. "IT'S NOT FAIR!" I roared, pressing his shoulders even deeper into the stone.

His arms dropped from mine. _I'm sorry, Edward, for everything. I understand, I really do. _His mind filled with memories from long ago, when his friend, his mother of sorts, Maria, tracked him down.

I tried to ignore his latest attempt to escape my wrath, but he grabbed my shirt, pulling my face close to his as he continued the memory. She'd enticed him into killing a human in an attempt to draw him back to her, and away from us. At one point she threatened to kill Alice, and I felt his fear and frustration at having put his mate's life in danger because of who he was. "I almost lost _her_," he said hoarsely, and his fear was added to mine.

"Edward, let him go," Esme commanded, but I ignored her.

"It's not the same, and you know it. _I _didn't try to kill Alice. She is safe from _your_ brothers. You can't understand."

Jasper became defiant, pushing against my chest. "And you can't know what I _feel_. You may hear the others' thirst, read how they suffer – but I experience it. My throat burns just as hot as yours does when you are with her, hotter when you add my own thirst. Now add five other vampires to the room and it's too much to bear. It's like going through the change again, Edward – surely you remember _that_."

"If you _knew_, then you shouldn't have been there in the first place," I said through my teeth.

"That was my fault, not his," a small voice said behind me. "Let him go." Alice's soft tone only strengthened her command. _I should have seen this coming. If I had, things would've been different._

I stared down Jasper for another five seconds before I moved "Don't run again," I warned, leaving him to extricate himself from the granite.

"He won't," Alice said firmly.

"And you can see _that_?" I sneered as I passed.

She didn't look up at me. _I'm sorry. Carlisle should be nearly finished._

My anger was slowly waning, replaced by Bella's unrelenting pull. I needed to get back to her. But was it to protect her, or…

Without another word, I walked toward the house.

Rosalie snorted as I strode by. "Did beating up Jasper make you feel better?" she taunted.

"Rose," Emmett warned, correctly sensing my tenuous hold on my temper. He slid his arm around his wife protectively, but I ignored her.

"You can blame this on Jasper if you want – but it's really _your_ fault," she continued. I kept walking, trying to shut out her annoying voice. "You brought her here, forcing us to play your little human game. Now you know – it'll never work."

I spun on my heel and Emmett materialized in front of me. "Edward, turn around and keep walking," he warned. "Bella needs you."

_Go tend your pet,_ Rosalie added, pulling Emmett toward the others.

_What a bitch,_ I thought, but knew better than to say it aloud. Very few people could draw foul language out of me like Rosalie could, and that word in particular offended Emmett immensely. Before I could stalk toward her, Esme took my arm.

"May I walk back with you?" She smiled, but couldn't hide that she was really trying to keep me from attacking another one of my siblings. "I need to clean up the living room." She encouraged me toward the house with a wave, waiting for me to lead.

I nodded, giving Rosalie one more warning glare before walking away. Her words were more than irritating, they stung with truth. My anger turned inward, where it belonged.

Esme didn't speak, concentrating very hard on a new restoration project she was considering, but I didn't listen for long.

The image of Bella's blood screaming up from the white floor snapped me back to reality. She was hurting, and I hadn't been strong enough to just sit with her while she suffered. I couldn't even comfort her with my words… One breath of the blood-laced air and I would have been at her throat, of this I had no doubt.

One question floated above my self-loathing. Why? Why had I lost control of the beast within me? My eyes didn't see the trees as I searched for my answer.

Painfully I recalled the similarly grisly scene in Arizona. The thirst had been intense then, but I'd been in control, my thoughts consumed with saving Bella. Only when her blood actually crossed my lips did I lose myself… but she pulled me back. I shivered, remembering the ecstasy of her flavor, and Esme squeezed my arm.

_She's going to be fine,_ she thought, only guessing at my thoughts. There was no point in correcting her.

I'd had time to prepare for that scene, I realized. For hours before arriving I'd visualized how James would attack Bella, how he would torture her. When I found out that he'd managed to lure her right to him, my thirst had changed to a ferocious drive to save her. Even when I'd put my lips on her soft skin and tried to drain her of life, I was still her protector; her weak voice the one thing that kept predator from consuming me… and her.

This time there'd been no warning, no time to prepare. The guardian in me was strong enough as long as there was a threat, but once Bella was safe from others, _I _became the threat. I would always be a danger to her, no matter how controlled I thought I was.

I had to find a way to prevent this from ever happening again. Somehow I would have to find the strength to do what was right… the strength to free Bella of this world I'd brought down around her like a steel cage. I'd wrought that cage with my own hands, forged it out of my own selfish desires. Only I could remove it. Only I could take it away from her forever.

My attention turned to Bella's current state as we approached the house. I stopped at the edge of the trees, reeling from the fog of her scent filling Carlisle's mind. "That ought to do it…" he said, and I exhaled, realizing I'd involuntarily held my breath against the _idea_ of her smell.

"It won't take me long to clean up," Esme said.

"No, I should…" Bella was my responsibility.

She stopped me with another squeeze of my arm. "I can do it, dear. You've been so strong already, let me do this for you." She didn't wait for my answer, and started across the lawn.

I tried to make myself follow, to stop her, tell her that she was so wrong… but I couldn't. Already the fire in my throat was painting abominable images of how I would find Bella, touch her, kiss her, taste her… I had to regain control before I could see her. But what then? Drive her to the brink of death again?

The false logic I'd been selling myself, that I was some kind of twisted guardian angel, could no longer fool me. I wasn't strong enough to protect her from harm with my presence, that was clear. But did I have the strength to take the danger, take myself away?

Esme paused at the glass doors, taking one last deep breath of fresh air. _I'm fine,_ she thought, telling herself as much as me when she entered the house. Even my mother was a danger. This had to end.

My attention turned to Carlisle's thoughts and to the sound of Bella's voice as I struggled with myself.

"The rest of them don't feel the same?" The sound of her words calmed me instantly. She truly was alright.

Carlisle stepped to the sink, considering his answer. "Edward's with me up to a point. God and heaven exist … and so does hell. But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our kind." _How many times have I tried to convince him otherwise?_ "You see, he thinks we've lost our souls."

Of course we have. But this was a very old argument. What had drawn Bella into it?

"I look at my …_son_. His strength, his goodness, the brightness that shines out of him—and it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever." How distorted his vision was… he struggled so hard to find some semblance of goodness in me where there was none. "How could there not be more for one such as Edward?"

Bella's head bobbed emphatically, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. He was glamorizing me, feeding her fantastic image of us, of me.

"But if I believed as he does…" His eyes moved to hers. _You are so lovely, so fragile, so trusting. He loves you so much…_ and he adjusted his thought. "If you believed as he did. Could you take away _his_ soul?"

In the shadows I froze, stunned. My father's logic, unlike mine, was perfect. Even Bella wouldn't be able to find a flaw in his argument. I looked through Carlisle's eyes, my curiosity getting the best of me. What unexpected answer would she come up for this question?

I saw Bella's mouth open, then close, as she tried to respond. Carlisle had succinctly conveyed everything I'd been trying to say to her since she started her campaign to become a vampire. He was so much more than I could ever be.

Stymied, her face wrinkled with frustration, and I barely kept myself from smiling. Reading Bella's expressions, trying to decipher her thoughts were things I couldn't afford to do any longer.

"You see the problem," Carlisle said. There wasn't an ounce of satisfaction in his voice, only patience._ And she loves Edward, more deeply than he knows_.

Bella didn't give up, shaking her head forcefully. "It's my choice."

"It's his, too, whether he is responsible for doing that to you." Carlisle's mind drifted to each of his children, lingering on me for a moment before fixing on Rosalie. There weren't words to describe his regret for bringing her into this life.

"He's not the only one able to do it." She looked expectantly at my father, and I nearly choked, trying to stifle my laugh. Rosalie was to be the last human that Carlisle changed; she'd despised this life from the first second she'd awoken to it. When she'd brought a dying Emmett home, she literally had to beg Carlisle to infect him, cruelly appealing to his guilt over her suffering in order to get what she wanted of him. He would never succumb to Bella's juvenile pleas.

Carlisle did chuckle. "Oh, no! You're going to have to work this out with _him_." His mind wandered again, returning to the regret, but also remembering Emmett's joyful face when he awoke in Rosalie's arms. My father had felt some redemption, seeing the two of them so happy together, but the doubt always lingered. "That's the one part I can never be sure of. I think, in most other ways, that I've done the best I could with what I had to work with. But was it right to doom the others to this life? I can't decide. It was Edward's mother who made up my mind." For the second time today I was reminded of my human mother.

I walked toward the house, knowing that Esme had finished with the first stage of cleaning and listening to Carlisle recount the story of my change. Though I'd seen my mother in his memory many times, I caught my breath at the sight of her in his mind. My memory of her was a blurry mixture of alabaster, auburn and green. What I remembered most was the sound of her voice, singing to me as I fought the fever.

Carlisle's memory was perfect, every detail of her face clearly defined. In many ways, looking at my mother was like looking in a mirror. The top half of her face, her eyes, brows, and hair were identical to mine. The difference was the color of her eyes, of course; the green of her eyes was brilliant, full of life, even as she lingered near death. They were so human.

The rest of her soft countenance was not mine; Carlisle's brief encounter with my unconscious father verified that the shape of the lesser features of my face mimicked my namesake's. My memories of him were even more vague, wisps of a past that was burned away in my conversion, my descent…

Bella was hypnotized by the tale, her face reacting with shock, concern, and compassion as he spoke. Sadly, I realized she displayed the same expressions when watching the movie this afternoon. Carlisle spun her a fantastic tale of tragic loss and miraculous resurrection, not the truthful, dark facts of the misguided judgment of a loving but delusional mother and the denial of peace by a well meaning friend. Bella saw my transition as a release from pain, from death, not as a condemnation to eternal darkness.

I blamed neither Carlisle nor my mother for condemning me to this existence; it was fate who had the cruel sense of humor.

"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim," Carlisle said wryly, verifying my assertion that I was always destined for this… life. But not her, not Bella. I wouldn't repeat the errors in judgment… her fate could not, _would not_, be mine. There was only one way to prevent it, I knew that now.

As Carlisle described what he'd done to me, his heart ached. I'd long since forgiven him for the injuries he inflicted, thinking they were necessary for the transformation, but he still wished he'd known that they were unnecessary. The extra pain he thought I felt was nothing compared to what I would be facing soon. As I slipped into the house, the echo of that agony flashed through me as I was bombarded Bella's sweet fragrance. The bleach Esme used couldn't hide _that_ from me.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward," Carlisle said, unaware of my presence. He shook his head. _Especially not now._ He regarded Bella's warm face, noting her drooping eyes. _She needs sleep._ "I suppose I should take you home now."

"I'll do that," I said evenly. Bella didn't need to hear more fairytales on the way home. This world wasn't for her, and somehow I had to separate her from it… separate her from me. It was the right thing to do.

She looked at me, trying to read my face the way I'd read hers so many times before, but I wiped my expression clean of any emotion. I couldn't allow her to see my struggle, how my love for her battled against the murderous monster. I couldn't let her see that love could only win by losing… by losing her.

This would be the last time she could be here, surrounded by so much peril. Taking her from here would be the easy part. Removing myself from her life would be the impossible task. But I had no choice, now.

"Carlisle can take me," Bella said, staring into my eyes. Seeing nothing, her face fell and her gaze drifted down to her blouse, which was a shredded mess of blood and frosting. Another graphic reminder of what a fiasco her birthday had become.

"I'm fine," I said, seeing the distress in her face. I had to get more control over myself to keep her from worrying about me. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something."

I left before she could start another argument. The less we spoke, the better. I hadn't run far when I heard Alice's mind.

_I'm on my way back._ _Esme has the perfect shirt,_ Alice thought, then looked ahead in time for my benefit. I drove Bella home, and parked in front of her house. When Alice tried to look beyond that moment, there was nothing. My resolve was wavering, and she knew it.

"What are you trying to decide?" she asked, coming to a stop next to me. Again the future swirled in her mind, but it was a dark fog. Though she couldn't talk me out of wanting to leave, the vagueness meant that my will wasn't strong enough yet to follow through with what had to happen.

"Edward, you are meant to be with her," she guessed.

I responded by breaking into a run, trying to distance myself from the hope woven in Alice's words. Fate was much too cruel to allow such a future for me.

Bella's voice cut through the night. "Esme, let me do that."

Esme noted Bella's blush with a swallow. "I'm already done. How do you feel?"

"I'm fine" Bella said automatically. Unfortunately she's had to use that phrase too many times in my presence. "Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had." They both laughed lightly, oblivious to the source of the humor – Bella's injury.

We stepped in, and Alice took over. "C'mon, I'll get you something less macabre to wear," she said, leading Bella upstairs.

We all knew that Bella was going to question Alice, and though Carlisle wanted to hear the answers as much as she did, he chose to distract me.

"Are you all right, Edward?" he asked. Both he and Esme were trying to read my face, and for once being made of living stone was a good thing.

"No," I answered truthfully.

Esme thought about hugging me, but when I turned my frozen gaze on her she changed her mind.

"How's Jasper?" Carlisle asked.

"_How's Jasper?"_ Bella echoed upstairs.

Typical, putting herself last, again. "He's fine," I said, mimicking Bella's mantra.

He frowned. "This wasn't your fault. A mistake was made…"

"Don't bother, Carlisle," I said, cutting him off. "Words are not sufficient to remedy this situation." No, something had to be done. And I had to do it. I ignored Carlisle's worry.

Bella continued her unselfishness, forgiving Jasper for his nature. _"It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?"_

"_Of course."_ Alice was right, as was Rosalie. Bella wouldn't have been here but for _my_ insistence.

Carlisle continued to mull over my stolid behavior as he righted the table, but said nothing more.

Esme finished cleaning up and placed the unopened presents back on the table, wondering if Bella could still enjoy them.

Finally Bella emerged, and I stood by the front door, wanting her to hurry, yet wanting time to stop. I couldn't bear for her to be in danger, but couldn't imagine living without her.

"Take your things!" Alice cried as Bella turned to leave. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them." _Will she ever find out what's inside?_ she thought with a grumble. Her vision had yet to clear.

Esme and Carlisle said goodnight. Everyone was watching me as I waved Bella to the door, but I refused to acknowledge them.

_What are you trying to decide, Edward?_ Alice thought as I turned away. Her inability to see my future only added to my worries… it could only mean that I wasn't strong enough yet to follow through on my intentions. In how many more ways would Bella pay for my weakness?

Bella nearly ran out of the house – maybe the horror what had happened was finally sinking in. No, of course not, but I refused to dwell on her unnatural reactions.

Silently I opened her door and she climbed into the truck. As we pulled away from the house, I centered my thoughts on the task at hand. Taking her home – and leaving her there. Alone.

* * *

_End Note:_

_If you're a fan of 'first light' or some of my BD work, check out www (dot) twilightawards (dot) this-paradise (dot) com - I've got a few stories up for the competition. Voting starts in October!_


	5. Decision

_Author's Note_:

_Thanks to all of you who are following this story - I really appreciate your reviews and comments! This chapter is very long, I hope you enjoy it. I have to send more hugs and kisses to my beta team - what would I do without you?_

_This chapter makes a vague reference to 'As Bella Sleeps' - my other MS short story, FYI 8-)  
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_On another note, I do have a DSOM play list... and for this chapter the one song that really put me in the mood to write was 'Let Me Go' by 3 Doors Down. I'm also partial to 'Cold As Ice' by Foreigner... probably too old for most of you!_

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**Decision**

The trees flew past us as I tore down the driveway, pushing Bella's truck to its limits. As if hurrying to say goodbye to Bella would make it any easier.

"Say something," she said desperately.

I couldn't mask my irritation as I replied. "What do you want me to say?" _That I hate myself for nearly killing you… again?_

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her shrink against the door of the truck, and I castigated myself. "Tell me you forgive me." Her voice was quiet, but her words cut me to the core.

"Forgive _you?_ For what?" She couldn't possibly be trying to take responsibility for this appalling situation. Absurd.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened," she said.

There was no way she could put this on herself – I was the one who dragged her here, forced her to endure a party she didn't want, surrounded by blood-thirsty monsters. "Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty." If she'd been anywhere else it wouldn't be an issue. Suddenly my mind filled with an image of the party Bella should have had…

"It's still my fault," she pressed.

Her insistence brought my guilt into sharp focus, and the words spewed out. "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage. If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself." The steering wheel creaked under the stress of my grip, and I barely avoided crushing it in my hands.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" she demanded.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I snarled. Mike Newton was an ignorant child who was hardly aware of the world around him… but he was infinitely better for Bella. He would never be driven to hurt her – to kill her. As much as it turned my stomach to imagine him holding her, Mike Newton—or someone like him— was who Bella should be with… not me.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton! I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."

_Would you have me kill you? _

Alice's vision of my Bella with blood-red newborn eyes showed me the awful answer. "Don't be melodramatic, please," I said to her, trying to contain my self-directed anger. I had to quell these emotions, lock them away along with the love, the longing I had for her. We were close to her house now. I had to say goodbye.

"Then don't you be ridiculous," she snapped.

I had no response. When the truck came to a stop in front of her house, I continued to stare out the windshield, willing myself to say the words. The words that would rip my heart out. _Goodbye, Bella_.

But silence was all I could muster.

"Will you stay tonight?" she asked timidly. Her simple request sapped what little strength I had.

I remained frozen, looking away. _No, I won't_ I tried to say, but my heart betrayed me. "I should go home." And never come back. It's what is right.

"For my birthday," she begged, and I knew I'd lost. With only a few words she destroyed my plan, pulling me, and the danger I posed, closer when she should be pushing me away. But it was clear that I couldn't leave her… not yet. Part of me rejoiced, yearning to reach out to her and hold her close. The other part of me was shamed. In time I _would_ protect her, this I swore.

"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." The argument was as weak as my resolve. Why couldn't I just say _No!_

"Okay." She heard my capitulating tone, and the relief in her voice shredded my will. "I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." With her good hand she opened the door and jumped down. I didn't move – making one last weak attempt to extract myself from her life. She turned back and awkwardly gathered her gifts.

"You don't have to take those," I said, finally looking at her. The contents were not something that she would need after I was gone.

"I want them," she said without thinking, then paused, scrutinizing my face.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." And the other one is from me… she'd made it abundantly clear that my gifts were the least desirable thing in her mind.

"I'll live." A half smile crossed her lips as she slammed the door shut, preventing any response. She had complete control over me. If only she would tell me to go, then there would be no issue. But that was the weakness talking – she wasn't responsible for this situation – I was.

I exited the truck and snatched the burden from Bella's arm. "Let me carry them, at least," I said in defeat. Perhaps I should just concede my weakness tonight, and try again tomorrow. "I'll be in your room."

"Thanks," she said with a brilliant smile.

"Happy Birthday," I said with a sigh. Was there another way? I leaned down, unable to resist brushing my lips against hers. When she strained to stay in contact as I pulled away, a genuine smile filled my face, displaying the love I had for my perfect angel. But then I ran, knowing what that love required of me.

Before she'd even opened the front door I was through her window and seated on her bed. As I waited in her room, I questioned my judgment again. If Carlisle had taken Bella home, I wouldn't be sitting here. I could have disappeared into the night, vanished without a trace. She would be confused when I didn't show up for school tomorrow, but she would remember the last time I disappeared. Would she wait, expecting me to return? Or would she search? Where would she go…Alaska?

No, it was wrong to sneak away like a coward. She deserved peace, closure. I couldn't _just_ leave her – had to free her of me. I had to break our connection; make her understand that this goodbye was different, that it was forever. _I had to do the impossible._

Her voice floated up the stairs, filling me with a completeness I knew I would crave every day for the rest of time. I indulged myself for a moment, remembering the same fulfillment when she first said she loved me as she slept. It'd been a dream to me as much as it was to her, I realized, and it was coming to an end. If only the dream would fade from my memory the way it would from hers.

I heard Bella say a nervous goodnight to Charlie as she nearly ran to the stairs. A question formed in her father's mind, though I wouldn't have known it's exact content if he hadn't given it voice.

"What happened to your arm?" Charlie asked.

"I tripped. It's nothing." Bella's ability to lie had not improved, but Charlie was distracted by the TV.

"Bella," he said with a sigh.

"Goodnight, Dad," she said, then rushed up the stairs. The bathroom door closed loudly, and the water went on. I picked up Carlisle's gift to Bella and ran my fingers along the sharp folds, trying to avoid thinking about the beautiful woman changing a few feet away… and the fact I was too weak to truly make her safe. I loved her so much – but I was pathetic.

Moments later she swept in, oblivious to my mood.

"Hi," I mumbled.

"Hi," she said, displacing the presents and planting herself in my lap. The heat of her cheek against my chest was electrifying, and I couldn't resist wrapping my arms around her. Again she took control of me, chasing the struggle from my mind.

"Can I open my presents now?"

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I asked, unable to fight any more tonight.

"You made me curious." She picked up the package from Carlisle and Esme almost gleefully, and I felt a flicker of happiness. It was still her birthday, after all, and if she could finally find some joy in that fact, I would not be the one to squelch it.

I took the present from her. "Allow me." There would be no more blood spilled tonight. I unwrapped the present, tossing the paper neatly in the wastebasket next to her tiny desk before returning the narrow box to her exquisite fingers.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she said sardonically. The box opened easily, and Bella lifted the white vouchers out and held them so they would catch the light. She squinted at the cards, her brow wrinkled with confusion. She read silently, her face relaxing, then becoming jubilant. The sight was stunning.

"We're going to Jacksonville?" she nearly squealed.

"That's the idea." But no, _we_ wouldn't be going.

"I can't believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." Her excitement was lovely. I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth – that she'd be going alone. Not today, not on her birthday.

Instead I responded, "I think I can handle it." So it _was_ only my gifts she rejected out of hand. I frowned. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain." Even now, after so much time spent with her, I couldn't predict her reactions.

"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"

Her exuberance was contagious, and I actually chuckled. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize you were capable of being reasonable."

She reached for the last present, the nearly deadly package, but I snatched it away. There was no way she was going to touch her fingers to this paper ever again. Once unwrapped, I handed her the home-made CD. The silver of the disc glinted in the weak light.

"What is it?" she asked, genuinely confused.

In answer I grabbed the CD player on her bedside table and slipped the disc in. Would she appreciate this gift, or find it childish compared to the airline tickets sitting on the bed? I pushed 'play' and watched her intently.

The music filled the room, and she froze. Even without a clear vision, Alice had assured me that Bella would love this gift, but her reaction was curious. I remembered when she'd heard the song for the first time, sitting at my piano. The same expression had painted her face then, and she had been just as speechless. That image was forever marred by the memory of the bright red stain on the carpet next to the instrument.

When she broke out of her trance this time, she rubbed her face. When I realized that it was because tears were welling in her eyes my heart broke – did the music remind her of the trauma of just an hour ago? How I'd carelessly injured her?

I glanced at her arm and at the yellow antibiotic stain surrounding the white bandages. The anesthetic must be wearing off – that must be causing her tears. And I keep causing her pain.

"Does your arm hurt?" I knew where the Tylenol was; I should have gotten something stronger before I left Carlisle.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She pressed her lips tightly together and leaned a little closer to the CD player.

Another unpredictable response from my love… my music had brought her to tears. She'd heard the song so many times emanating from my lips, and yet this reproduction touched her heart, probably because it could be here when I wasn't. Would she listen to it and cry after I was gone? Leaving wasn't going to be as easy as disappearing into the night… I could see that now.

But this moment was about her, not me. "I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here."

"You're right." She touched her bandage gingerly, probably without realizing it.

"How does your arm feel?"

"Just fine," she said, of course, but I could see her face reddening from the stress of the discomfort.

"I'll get you some Tylenol." I would get a prescription for something stronger from Carlisle in the morning. There was something wrong with that thought, but when Bella grimaced again, only one thing mattered. She was hurting.

"I don't need anything," she whined, but couldn't hide the ache in her eyes as I set her gently on the bed next to me. The pills were in the bathroom, and she would need water as well.

When I reached the door she hissed, "Charlie," and I had to smother a laugh. I could run down the stairs and out the front door without Charlie seeing me… I may as well have been in another state, sneaking around up here.

"He won't catch me." In two of her heartbeats I was back at her side, handing her the pills. Thankfully she didn't argue – her arm must really hurt. This had to be the last time…

"It's late," I said. With the music still playing, I carefully lifted her off the coverlet and resettled her under it. Foolishly I lay down next to her. Just one last time, I told myself. She snuggled against me, resting her head on my shoulder and sighing contentedly. And I wanted this to last forever.

"Thanks again," she whispered.

After everything that'd happened, she was thankful. "You're welcome." She fit so perfectly against me, like she was made just for me. So right.

_No_. It wasn't right, it was selfish. To take this warm, vibrant life and corrupt it with my darkness was the ultimate sin. But was it right to just disappear? Leaving would protect her from the physical damage I continually cause her… what about the mental anguish? There was no doubt she loved me, and that my leaving would break her heart. How could that be right? What about _my_ heart?

The CD became silent momentarily, then Esme's song began. I remembered how my mother had accepted Bella unquestioningly into our family. My feelings were her only concern in the beginning – how Bella improved my life – but she had come to regard Bella's welfare as important as any of ours. I hoped that Esme would see that my feelings were no longer of any consequence. Even questioning how leaving would make me feel is wrong. I once told Bella I would hurt myself by leaving if it would keep her safe. Noble words at the time…could I live up to them?

"What are you thinking about?" she asked over the music.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." And how weak I was, knowing the right path but unable to force myself down it.

She tensed under her thin quilt. "Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not_ ignore my birthday?"

What was she scheming? "Yes."

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again." My frozen heart trembled in response. I shouldn't…

"You're greedy tonight," I said to the both of us.

"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she said, her voice laced with irritation.

I laughed. Her attempt at reverse psychology was as pathetic as one of her lies. Of course I wanted to kiss her. I never wanted to _stop_ kissing her. It was leaving that I didn't want to do. But there wasn't really a choice. I sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." I put my hand under her chin and drew her to me.

Her mouth was warm, and as always, eager. The heat of her desire met the fire of my thirst, fanned by the sweet taste that permeated me, even through my sealed lips. The strength I'd been searching for reared up, and my heart flew to my throat as I realized this should be the last time I'd kiss her. I pulled her closer, trying to convey all the love I had for her through this last embrace. As her body pressed against mine, my chest tore open, and I learned that heartbreak was not a metaphorical term. My heart ripped open… I couldn't breathe from the depth of the agony, and my eyes tried futilely to tear. No, I couldn't do it… I couldn't go… she was my life.

A small voice in my head put words behind the strength, their simplicity cutting through the pain. _Let her live._

Somehow I pushed my Bella away, and the first piece of my heart ripped away with her. She lay on her pillow panting, as I was, though my labored breaths were an attempt to suppress my sorrow, not control my lust. I tried to lock the emotions away. It was her birthday – I couldn't subject her to this pain tonight. "Sorry, that was out of line."

"_I _don't mind," she said breathlessly. When her eyes opened, they sparkled with life up at me.

_I love you so much, Bella…_ Those were the words that rested on my tongue, but I banished them. It wasn't fair to encourage her, either. "Try to sleep, Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again." The flush on her face was so exquisite; I had to make a fist behind her head to keep from stroking her cheek. So many reasons to stay…

"You're overestimating my self-control." In so many ways.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" She tried to make light of the way she attracted me… literally like a moth to a flame.

I considered her question, trying to compare the burn in my throat to the ache in my chest. At first it'd been her blood that drew me, but now, there was so much more. When I remembered the softness of her lips, the excitement that filled me was not due to thirst, but to lust. The warmth of her body called to mine, inviting my skin to find hers… but it also reminded me of the radiant pleasure of her blood flowing over my tongue. For every temptation her delicious blood posed, there was an equally seductive enticement offered by her flesh. Everything about her seemed to have been created with my desires in mind.

"It's a tie," I said, smiling in spite of myself. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?" If only _I'd_ been created to love her, rather than destroy her. Fate was a cruel vixen.

"Fine." She slid close to me again, draping her injured arm over my shoulder. Her breath began to slow almost immediately, ebbing and flowing over me with her enticing scent. The lump in my throat burned with thirst, as it always would. It was reality's calling card.

I had to leave – we _all_ had to leave. Only then could Bella be safe from me, from the danger I brought into her life. But how could I? The resolve I'd felt in her kiss was evaporating quickly as I held her. I couldn't just walk away. She was as much a part of me as my hands, my legs, or my heart.

Bella took a deep breath and shivered as she relaxed. I pulled the quilt a little tighter around her, trying to trap more of her warmth against the chill of my icy skin. _One more reason to separate myself from her._

_I'm so sorry, my love._ Her bandaged arm now became slack on my shoulder, no longer needing the cool relief she'd been subtly seeking. _I've caused you so much pain_, my head ached.

_But I protected her. She'll be fine,_ my heart replied.

This time…

Bella took a deep breath, interrupting my thoughts. Her heart beat strongly in my grasp, and I tried to focus on its soothing rhythm and drive the argument from my mind. My path was clear, and I needed to get the most out of these last minutes with her.

Carefully I stroked her hair and enjoyed the faint, artificial remnants of strawberries that lingered. For the longest time the smell of Bella's shampoo had been lost behind the supreme power of the scent of her blood, but now I could discern it as a separate aroma. I could even distinguish Bella's own scent of freesia and lavender separately from the incredibly sweet smell of her delectable blood. My lungs filled with the bouquet, and I slowly committed every minute detail to memory.

Her hair was so silky, and my fingers slid effortlessly through her dark brown tresses. On this last pass, a single hair came free in my fingers, and I lifted it away carefully and grimaced. Even now, barely moving near her, I caused her damage. It was so wrong for me to impose myself on her life. It had to stop, and there was only one way it could. I had to go.

All my decisions had been about what I wanted. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to touch her warm skin. I wanted to kiss her luscious lips. I wanted to give her a birthday party, when she wanted to have nothing to do with it. And I wanted to spend the rest of her life by her side. What I wanted was so wrong. And then there was the greatest evil, the one desire that defined a monster in me even greater than the bloodsucking murderer I was. The image of my Bella as a cold, dead vampire appeared and the self-centered creature I was narrated the image. _You could have her forever…_

_No_. This demon would not win and doom her perfection to eternal night. The fact that she agreed with the evil side of me only exacerbated the situation, but I fought them both.

I looked at my love, peacefully sleeping. As a vampire, she wouldn't enjoy this comfort – there was never any such peace for me. So many things she would lose just to satisfy my selfishness. It was so wrong for me to even consider damning her like that. I had to let go.

Carefully I rolled the errant hair between my fingers. This would be the last time, the last night I could be with her. She had to be safe. I would never put her in danger ever again. The right thing was for me to leave, to take my world away from her so that she could live the normal, human life she was meant to live; and to ascend to the afterlife she deserved. There could be no more argument.

As I held Bella for the final time, I let the full weight of my decision sink in. My presence would not be the only thing that had to be removed from her life; all traces of my cursed world must be eliminated. My family would have to leave too. Only Alice would try to argue – she had developed a friendship with Bella that she'd never had with any other human. She clung to the visions she'd had of Bella becoming immortal, but those would change. I didn't look forward to seeing what the future held now

It was nearly time to start over anyway, so this change wouldn't be that hard for Carlisle to manage. I'd never asked much of my family in the past, and I'd given up much for them. They would grant me this one favor – in truth, they would probably embrace it. The lie I'd told myself; the outright lie, that somehow I could make Bella happy had affected them, too. They would be relieved to be free of that obligation.

My lungs filled again with Bella's sweet scent, enticing the burn in my throat, and I heard Charlie stirring downstairs. I could tell from his nebulous thoughts that he was happy with the outcome of what he'd seen on TV, and that he was exhausted. He would be heading to bed soon. I had let go. I had to let _her_ go.

With that one thought I was overcome with grief. It was time. Gently I pulled my sleeping Bella as close as possible and buried my face in her hair. Her breathing didn't change, and she tightened her arm around me again.

"I love you so much Bella, please forgive me," I barely whispered. She took a deep breath.

"Edward," she said, still asleep. The word cut me like a knife, and I shook with a tearless sob. I will never be the same without her.

"Bella," I choked. I heard Charlie's heavy steps at the bottom of the stairs, and I knew I had to release her. Once I did, I wouldn't hold her like this again, ever. "Sleep well, my love," I whispered, but the words faded to nothing on my lips. My chest trembled as I inhaled, and then I loosened my arms. As I slid my arm from in under her fragile body, she rolled away from me. If only she'd release me this easily when she was conscious.

Charlie was outside her door, and I sped into the far corner, as far away from Bella as possible. The light from the hallway illuminated her for a moment as he looked in on my angel. "Good night, sweetheart," he said softly, just like he did every night. He would take care of her when I was gone. He would be the one to comfort her after I hurt her one last time.

The door closed, and Charlie trudged off to the bathroom. Bella still didn't move, and she lay turned away from me, sleeping peacefully. My arms begged to hold her one more time, but I wound them around my own chest instead. The decision was made. I had to start living with it.

I stood there, unmoving, for a long time, unable to take the final step and jump from her window. All I could think about was her, how much she had changed me in these past few months. This one human girl had somehow chased away the monster in me, and wrapped herself around my cold, silent heart. So much happiness she'd brought me, and I'd brought her nothing but suffering in return. Bella deserved so much more. I had to give her the chance to find that life she was meant to have.

But I couldn't leave.

Woven into my every thought was the burning desire to take her back in my arms. My whole being craved her closeness, and even this small separation tore at me. How would I be able to leave? How could I stay?

By the time the sun started to rise, my throat ached from the lump that had been there all night long. I'd tried to force myself to leave, but couldn't. During her dreamless hours I'd convinced myself that there were many things that had to be done in order to remove myself from her life, and that my family needed time to make the transition as smooth as possible for them. Selfishly I'd told myself that I would ease myself out of Bella's life, but it was a poor excuse for the fact that I was too weak to just walk away. And with my cowardice came the chance I could injure or kill her…

The green LEDs on the clock showed 6:30 – time for Bella to rise. Normally I would be holding her, and wake her with a kiss, but not this morning. I took another breath, but the air did not fill me. Slowly I knelt down next to her bed and touched her warm, bare shoulder. The moment I did a shiver raced down my spine. How many touches were left?

"Bella, time to wake up," I said softly. This was another last – I wouldn't stay with her tonight. Not if I stood any hope of departing permanently.

She rolled to face me, her beautiful eyes fluttering open. Slowly she focused on my face. "Good morning," she said, and smiled sleepily.

Bella reached out her hand to touch my cheek, and winced in pain. _I caused that_, I reminded myself, and caught her hand before she could touch my face. "Careful, Bella, your stitches…" I said.

She looked at me warily and frowned. I needed to go. The longer I stayed, the more I questioned my decision.

"I'll let you get ready for school. See you there." She grimaced again, and rubbed her temple with her other hand – it was clear her head hurt, too. I bent down to kiss her, and barely avoided pressing my lips to hers, quickly kissing her forehead instead. Still so selfish. Even with this innocent peck, her scent became a taste on my tongue, her pulse gently throbbing against my lips. It took all I had to pull myself away from her warmth as I turned and leapt out her window.

My head automatically turned back and I glanced up at her room before turning for home. The first link had been broken.

As I ran, my mind began to create the list of tasks that accompanied a relocation of this magnitude, hoping to find a distraction from the ache in my chest. Since Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper had already moved, at least to the human eyes around us, the bulk of the transition would fall on Carlisle's shoulders. He'd done this many times, so it shouldn't be too much of a burden. Esme would follow Carlisle no matter where he went… and then there was Alice.

The indecision of last night undoubtedly had Alice watching and guessing at what I was planning, and I knew she would be against it. Her friendship, her version of loving Bella had skewed her view of right and wrong as well. She was so convinced that Bella was meant to become immortal that it was irritating. Alice had no memory of her human life, so she had no reference as to what the cost to Bella would be. She would feel like I was taking her sister away from her. I wasn't looking forward to facing her.

The house was close.

"_Alice, are you sure? He wants to _leave_ her?" _ Emmett's voice rose in pitch with his disbelief.

"_Yes, I'm sure. His mind seems set, for now." _An image of me climbing the stairs of the porch blinked through her thoughts._ You're an idiot, you know that? _my sister thought for my benefit, knowing I was close by.

"_It's about time."_ Rosalie was annoyingly cheerful.

_No, Edward can't throw this away. Poor Bella, this is going to devastate her_. These last thoughts from my mother hurt the most. The hardest part of leaving was the knowledge that Bella would suffer yet again because of me. She would probably come to loathe me for wasting so much of her short life_._

No, she wouldn't hate me. She didn't hold grudges, nor did she stay mad for long. I knew her better than to expect anything different. Bella moved past her ill feelings towards others – I'd seen her do it time and time again. But her short human memory and forgiving nature would allow Bella to move past me, allow her to easily find someone else to make her smile. I tried to find some hope in the fact that she would live a normal life without me, but I only felt grief – and jealousy for her next suitor.

I reached the steps, and the door opened. "Alice," I said, unsurprised by the glare she focused on me.

"This won't work, you know," she jeered, and a crystal clear image of my Bella dressed in a long white gown filled her mind. I was there too, holding her hand, sliding a ring onto my love's slender finger.

"Stop it, Alice, that's just your imagination." She'd seen this vision on and off all summer, because it was a fantasy of mine. I'd once toyed with the idea of proposing to Bella, but never acted on it. The image only steeled my resolve. She _would_ marry some day, but she would marry a human. I clenched my teeth at the thought of Mike Newton standing in my spot. "That is not my future – it never was."

"We'll see," she said in an insolent tone. She closed her eyes, concentrating on me. I cringed, afraid of what she would see.

The first images were exactly what I feared. I was at school with Bella, in class after class, staring mindlessly at the instructors. How many days would it take for me to finally do what had to be done? The scene changed, and became blurred. A figure huddled on the ground, but there was no way to tell who it was.

"You're not as sure of yourself as you'd like us to believe," she muttered as I passed her.

I snarled as I stomped past her into the living room. The couches were full – only Jasper was missing. All eyes turned toward me as I moved toward the wall of windows. I didn't meet them at first, collecting myself after Alice's onslaught.

"I assume Alice has told you what I'm planning." I took a breath and turned around and looked at Carlisle. Everyone else deferred to his lead, waiting to see where he stood.

His face was drawn. "Yes. It is your intention to leave Bella. Don't you think that taking yourself out of her life is a drastic step?"The lump in my throat returned_._

"Bella should never have been exposed to our world. It has nearly killed her several times already. She needs to be allowed to live the human life she was destined to." I kept my voice even, emotionless.

"She makes you so happy, Edward. You make each other so happy. Surely there's another way?" Esme said. The lump grew, and I tried unsuccessfully to swallow it.

"No, there is no other way, Esme. It's not fair to Bella to be in constant danger, and it's not fair to you to have to pretend to be something you're not."

Esme looked down. She had as much trouble as anyone being around Bella, fighting her thirst like the rest of us.

"I still say it won't work, Edward. You're tied to her in ways you can't even understand. You're not strong enough to leave – I told you that in the beginning. I've seen the future that should be." Alice refused to accept the wisdom of my decision, seeing only her own selfish desires. Her obstinance only pushed me harder down the road I knew I had to travel.

"Oh yeah? You also saw only two futures for Bella last spring – immortality or the grave. Seems your visions aren't what they used to be." I refused to let the memory of that horrid day return.

"You'll come back, if you manage to drag yourself away," she said doubtfully.

"Watch me," I growled. In many ways my sister was just as stubborn as Bella, and this was just a warm up for argument she would make_._

Carlisle didn't say anything, quietly watching our exchange, analyzing my reactions. He was trying to decide how dedicated I was to this plan. He knew me too well.

I sighed, turning to logic again. "Alice, your visions aside, I can't just stand by and watch Bella continually broken because of us. I have to protect her, and right now, we are the most dangerous thing in her life." Alice looked at me and set her jaw; I wouldn't be able to convince her. There's more than one way to spin this…

"How's Jasper?" I asked quietly.

Her face changed, and I heard everyone's thoughts turn to my brother. He hadn't returned since he nearly killed Bella last night, but Alice knew where he was, still fighting his shame.

"He's fine, he just needs some time," she murmured. Her lie didn't fool anyone.

"You should be with him. Maybe you two could go up to Denali. The hunting is plentiful this time of year." Whenever Jasper had a crisis like this, it took time, Alice, and a lot of distraction to bring him back to the family. Removing Alice from Bella's life now would be easier for me as well – she would not want to lie to Bella, and probably would just urge her to make my leaving impossible. I felt another stab of pain in my chest at the thought of Bella begging me to stay.

"I'll go after school," she said. _Bella won't let you do this. She loves you – she loves _us_ too much._

"No, you should go now. This is between Bella and me, your presence will only complicate the situation." I looked at her darkly. "Don't make it harder for her or Jasper."

Alice's eyes widened. "You want us _all_ to leave," she whispered.

I looked at Carlisle again. "Yes."

The atmosphere in the room became charged. Each member of my family considered the implications of my request, and the fact it was the first time I'd asked anything of this magnitude of them. Even Rosalie couldn't come up with another instance.

"No argument here," my least favorite sister sneered. _It's about time you let this fantasy of yours go,_ she thought. I frowned at her. She had been boycotting Forks for a while, dragging Emmett to the furthest corners of the earth because she resented Bella's presence. At first it was just my fault, for falling for a measly human, but when everyone else accepted Bella easily, and that's when Rosalie went on strike.

At my announcement her mood became exuberant. Though she would miss this rainy corner of the world, and its nearly endless days of sunless weather, she was already celebrating her return to our family. She was happy to be rid of the human I loved, even if it meant moving.

"Rose, calm down," Emmett scolded. _I'm sorry it can't work out. She seemed so right for you._ He briefly wished I'd allowed Bella to turn in Arizona, but knew that my love for Bella would have been tainted forever by regret. As he remembered how I'd saved her, he straightened up. _You're stronger than any of us, ya know? _ "If you think it's the right thing, Edward, I'll do whatever you ask." No one could ask for a more devoted brother.

Alice's mood turned somber, realizing that she would not see Bella again before we left.

"And what about me, Edward? I love her too." Her eyes flashed with betrayal.

"Then you should understand better than anyone how it is only right to leave. She has suffered so much because of us, because of me."

"You're just too stubborn to give her what she wants, to make her safe," Alice retorted, seeing Bella in her mind as her immortal sister.

My teeth ground together. "It's so easy for you to want to take away her humanity – something you have no memory of at all. Bella has no concept of what she's giving up, and neither do you." She rolled her eyes. "What about Charlie? You were the one worried about him in the beginning – how killing Bella would kill him, too. Has that changed?"

Alice paused, remembering that first disastrous day and how she'd warned me that Charlie would have reacted if Bella had disappeared from his life. Her expression softened. She'd grown attached to Bella's father, too, and didn't want to hurt him, either. When she started to argue again, Carlisle decided to step in, silencing us both with a single raised hand.

"Bella's humanity is not at issue here," he said sternly.

"Our leaving will make her safe," I said through my teeth.

"But I can't even say goodbye?" she whispered, and I frowned, seeing only misery in her face.

"You know that Bella won't let you go, either, Alice. It'll be easier for both of you this way," I said softly. She didn't understand the gift I was giving her – not having to see Bella's eyes when she heard the worst word… _goodbye_.

Alice's expression changed again and she glared up at me. "I thought you loved her. How can you treat her like this?"

My anger took over. "I _do_ love her – more than you can possibly imagine. Why do you think I'm doing this? It's not about me or you – it's about what is right for Bella. That's all. It is _right_ for her to be able to live her human life. It is _right_ for her to have friends that don't have to fight the urge to kill her with every breath they take. It is _right_ for her to be able to sleep, dream, and have a family. This is what is _right_ for her. Period!" I shouted.

"No, it's _not_," she shouted back, then turned on her heel and left. I knew she was headed to find Jasper, and that it was time for me to get ready for school. Alice was luckier than she knew – I didn't look forward to the pain I would endure over the next days… and for the rest of my existence.

The silence was filled by questions in Esme and Emmett's mind, and Rosalie's gloating. They looked to Carlisle who was looking at his hands. His thoughts were a tangled web of past memories, second guesses, and concern. He wanted more time.

"Carlisle, how long do you need?" I asked.

My father looked at me sadly. _To move?_ I nodded once. "We can leave today, if that is your wish," he said. _How much time do _you_ need?_ He studied my face intently as I tried to say the words that were right.

I failed.

"I would like some time to say goodbye." Like an addict unable to admit their dependency I tried to hide behind excuses to extend my fix.

Carlisle frowned, easily reading the weakness in my eyes. _You are still uncertain, I can tell._ "I see. Very well, would two more days be long enough?"

"Yes." My mind instantly calculated the number of hours, minutes, and seconds that such a schedule would leave me with Bella. It was more than I had a right to ask for.

_We will speak about this tonight_ _Edward._ Carlisle was unconvinced of my resolve, and I knew that this was not a request. He would understand, though. After hearing his discussion with Bella, he couldn't help but agree with me.

With another curt nod, I headed up to my room. I had to change, and get ready to face Bella… and begin to say goodbye.

* * *

_End Note:_

_Are you a writer too? Join me for NaNoWriMo! Check out the thread in the Lounge over on the forums on twilighted (dot) net!_

_We're writing novels in November! Join us! I'll be your writing buddy on NaNoWriMo (dot) org  
_


	6. Separation

_Author's Notes_

_Sorry for the delay - but the next three chapters should come fairly quickly. Yes, that's three... Edward's angst is long and painful... I hope you can bear with him!_

_Some musical inspiration... With or Without You by U2, and The Reason by Hoobastank. Yeah, I'm a little twisted when it come to music, I know... 8-)_

_Thanks to all of you who've cried, sighed, and reviewed. I'll get you through 'The End', but then I'll need a break (and probably some sessions with a psychiatrist). NaNoWriMo is coming in November, and I'll be working on a new original story for the month. The goal is to crank out 50,000 words, so I'll probably be quiet for a while._

_If you'd like to join me, check out nanowrimo (dot) org - I'm blondieakarobin over there if you'd like a writing buddy!_

_On another note, there's a new contest going over on The Twilight Awards site, and I've got a couple of stories up over there. Voting is open, if you're so inclined 8-)._

_www (dot) twilightawards (dot) this-paradise (dot) com_

* * *

**Separation**

I parked the same Volvo in the same spot in the same parking lot as yesterday. Nothing looked any different than it had a mere twenty-four hours before, but everything was. Things had been so different, so innocent then. If only I'd acceded to Bella's wishes, let her have the quiet birthday she'd wanted, maybe… But no, this would have happened sooner or later. I was lucky that Bella left her disastrous party with only stitches and not a tombstone.

The déjà vu continued as Bella pulled up next to me, though the look on her face wasn't one of consternation today. I knew she was staring at me, trying to read my mood. When her pulse accelerated I was tempted to see what emotion her face displayed, but I looked away. No, her feelings, her thoughts, were not my concern any longer – only her safety. As I opened her door I glanced at her injured arm. Hidden beneath layers of fabric, no one else would know what I'd done to her.

"How do you feel?" I asked, not realizing in time how dangerous a question it was.

"Perfect," she said, nearly spitting the word at me. She slammed the door of her truck as I took her backpack. Without a sound, we walked to class. As much as I'd dreaded having to make conversation with Bella, her silence was infinitely worse. And her irritation was palpable.

Even though my throat burned hotter than Hades, I shivered. For the first time in my immortal life I felt cold. I deserved her silence, and had no intention of breaking it, but it was a wall between us, a long-forgotten barrier. That first wall had fallen so easily – but this one couldn't. It had to stand forever, separating me from her warmth. I should be cold – it was what I deserved.

But still I fought against the truth. I ached to feel her warmth against me, knowing that a single kiss could dazzle her out of her sullenness. I opened the door to our first class, and as she walked past, her heat washed over me. My hand rose, nearly touching her back, but I stopped it just in time, stuffing my betraying fist into my jeans. No. If she was ready to cut me free, all the better.

Bella's mood did not improve all morning. I kept my eyes straight ahead, pretending to be engrossed in whichever teacher was before us, but really focusing all my attention on my peripheral vision. I was fooling myself, thinking I was ignoring her, and I guessed that she knew it. Bella shifted every few minutes, checking the clock or adjusting her sleeves. When I asked about her arm, she shook me off, as averse to speaking as I was. She seemed distracted, as uninterested in the lectures as I was. _Stop trying to read her…_

As I walked her to PE, I handed her a slip of paper. On it I'd forged an excuse from physical activity in Carlisle's handwriting. "Here," I said without looking at her.

Bella took the paper from me without a word, careful not to touch my skin. We'd come full circle, I realized, remembering that first touch in Biology last year. I had avoided her touch then, she avoided it now. She was so perceptive, was she aware that I was slowly saying goodbye?

Our longest conversation came at lunch when Bella inquired about Alice's whereabouts. When she heard that Alice was gone, Bella's face contorted in to an expression of shame and hurt. My resolve was tested again – I so wanted to put my arm around her and comfort her, tell her that everything would be fine, but of course it wouldn't. I could ill afford to hold her – once I put my arm around her I wouldn't want to let her go. She had to have her life, safely away from me. It was the only right thing.

The last class of the day was hardest, one of the few I didn't share with Bella. I spent the hour trying to make myself compose the words that I would say, the final goodbye. When I imagined myself walking away that final time, there was a new thought woven into the agony. What would I do with myself once I left? Where would I go? Far away…

My mind drifted back toward Bella's class, hoping for a second-hand look at her, and I chastised myself again. No matter how far I traveled, she would always be the center of my world, constantly calling me back. What could possibly draw my thoughts away from her?

Finally the bell rang, ending the torture.

I met Bella outside her class, and we walked quietly to her truck. Her mood had shifted, maybe to frustration? Without asking, I would never know. I half expected her to scold me, remembering a vague promise I'd made her so long ago…

"…_warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good…"_

I'd found the request humorous at the time, actually happy that she'd found my lack of attention distasteful. It was just one of the many promises that I'd broken, that I would break. But I'd never promised to stay indefinitely… "I'll be right here as long as you need me," I'd said. Clearly she didn't need me to injure her any longer. She didn't need me to kill her.

As we reached the truck, she was the one to break our silence. "You'll come over later tonight?" she asked. Her tone was sure.

I should know why she wasn't expecting me to follow her home, but I couldn't fathom the reason for the change in her routine. What was she doing this afternoon alone? I scrambled to remember what was special about today, even though it shouldn't matter. "Later?"

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." She seemed proud to have caught me unaware.

"Oh," was all I could think of to say. I'd planned on spending the afternoon working at her kitchen table on homework that was a waste of graphite and paper. Then I would leave her before dinner for the night, taking the next step in my extended goodbye. Tonight she would sleep alone.

Bella having to work presented only a minor deviation in my plan. Adaptation was a yet another strength of my species, so I should be able to handle such a trivial change in stride and say goodbye for the day now, rather than later. But breathing became impossible at the thought.

"So, you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?"

_No, I'll see you tomorrow._ That's what I should say. What difference was a few hours? But there were so few minutes left, how could I give up even an hour? I wondered if she could hear the weakness in my reply. "If you want me to."

"I always want you to," she said with such conviction that I had to work to keep my face expressionless.

_I'll always want to. _"All right then," I replied flatly, and helped her into the truck. As with every goodbye, the urge to kiss her overwhelmed me, but as I had this morning, I avoided her mouth. Her forehead was warm, and wisps of her hair formed a fine curtain between her skin and my lips. My eyes closed automatically, shutting out the world around me as I savored this small taste of intimacy. Surprisingly, my thirst was no where to be found, and my lips were the only thing that were warmed by the kiss.

I retreated to my car, straining to keep my eyes forward, refusing to watch her drive away. The sound of her truck couldn't be ignored, though, and I heard the brakes squeak as she prepared to turn out of the parking lot. The thoughts buzzing around me were drowned out by her vehicle's fading thunder as she made her way into town.

My hands rested on the roof of my car as I listened to the sound fade into nothingness.

_Edward looks even worse than at lunch. I wonder what happened? He looks like he lost someone dear._

Angela Weber's kind concern was closer to the truth than she could possibly know. She smiled warmly as she passed, and I nodded at her before diving into my car. But it wasn't Bella who was dying, it was me.

The parking lot was nearly empty, but I didn't start the car. Where would I go? I couldn't handle sitting outside Newton's and listen to the thoughts of my most likely successor, but my ears ached to hear Bella's voice again. I turned on the stereo, trying to find some distraction. The music I'd grabbed on my way out this morning filled the car: Mozart's _Requiem_.

If I can't even fill these few hours away from Bella, how would I manage days, weeks, _decades_ away from her? My heart became a heavy stone in my chest as I pondered my future. There had to be something I could do that could lighten my burden, if only for a little while. I was so lost in my thoughts that when the passenger door opened I jumped.

"Wow, I startled Edward. Take a picture!" Emmett said as he lowered himself into the seat next to me.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Emmett was the last person I would expect to be pestering me – I couldn't believe Rosalie'd let him out of her sight.

"Come on – we always used to spend Bella's working hours together." He remembered fondly the time we'd spent together alone, and looked forward to spending more time with me. The prospect of fun didn't ease my trepidation.

"Hey, _you_ were the one that went into hiding. I'm surprised Rosalie doesn't have you busy planning your next excursion." My words came out sharper than I'd intended.

_I'm sorry I haven't been around, Edward. I've really missed you._

His regret was genuine, and triggered my remorse. "No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I always resented the way Rosalie has you wrapped around her finger, but I guess I can understand it." My world was ruled by one woman as well.

_The perils of being in love,_ he thought, and I looked away, the weight in my chest becoming unbearable.

"So what are you doing, sitting here listening to this dirge? Let's find something fun to do before I have to leave." So this was a brief respite before Rosalie stole my brother away again.

"Where are you going this time – back to Africa?" I tried to put some enthusiasm into the question.

"No, New York, I think. We'll stay with you guys and help set up the new house. Rosalie's helping Esme pick colors… for linens or curtains, or towels, or something." _Like who cares whether the walls are cream, or off-white, or vanilla._

"You're such an insensitive oaf, Em. Don't know you know that Esme's favorite color is light almond?" My attempt at teasing fell flat, though.

_It kills me to see you so down, bro. Isn't there something that I can do to help you?_

I sighed, blowing cold air over the steering wheel. "No, I don't think there is. Without her there is no joy for me. I don't know what I'm going to do after I leave."

_I'll be there for you, Edward, I promise. We'll find something to keep your mind off of her._

Stunned, I looked up at my brother. "You're not trying to convince me to stay?"

He grunted. "I told you that I would support your decision, didn't I? I get it, bro, I do. You're trying to protect Bella the best way you know how. I'd do the same thing for Rosalie, no matter what Alice or Esme, or even _you_ might say. I didn't go to Africa on my own – you know that. But I live for her, I live _because_ of her. I just wish you could have the same happiness."

"You don't think I should turn Bella?"

"It'd be a helluva lot easier if you did… but what I think doesn't matter, does it?"

I couldn't speak. Emmett really did understand, and for one brief moment the heaviness lifted.

He shifted and started to poke at the radio, needing to lighten the mood. _Course the hunting in Africa was awesome. You'd love a leopard. They're a challenge to track._

Rap music filled the car, and I groaned. "This is _not_ helping, Emmett." The incoherent words and pulsing base were enough to give even an immortal a headache.

Every one of his deadly white teeth showed as he grinned back. "Bet you're not thinking of her now," he nearly sang, and reached for the volume.

I slapped his hand away and shut off the music. "Don't…"

_And what are you going to do to stop me?_ He crossed his arms with a smirk.

His attempt to distract me nearly succeeded, and I had to admit that not everything about being a vampire was a curse. I would've never had a brother, let alone one as true as Emmett, had Carlisle not made me immortal.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do, Em… and thanks. But I don't think I'll be good company." He shouldn't be burdened with me.

_Not even for a little while? We're flying out in a few hours…_

"No, you go have fun. I'll be okay," I lied.

His face fell, and he opened the door. _No, I don't think you will, Edward. I hope I'll see you soon._ It was clear in his mind that he didn't really expect to see me… possibly ever again. For all his humor, Emmett's view of the world was very clear at times.

"Bye, Em," I said quietly. He was right, I wouldn't enjoy his company soon, if ever. I started the car, not knowing where I was going, reviewing Emmett's words. Maybe Africa would be a good place to start – it was about as far from Forks as possible. Though I doubted that tracking a leopard would be that difficult for me.

Tracking… the word brought back more unpleasant memories. The last tracker I'd encountered had tried to take Bella away from me, and I still regretted that I hadn't been the one to rip his head off. His other companions had fled; Laurent before the fight started, Victoria after it'd ended. She'd stayed loyal to James until the end. She was as vicious as he was.

Victoria was still out there, somewhere, hunting humans. It was doubtful she would ever return to this part of the country for years – nomads ran from exposure, making only trivial attempts to mask their kills. Knowing that this area was claimed by our family would be enough to keep a single vampire like Victoria from venturing here again. But she would find other victims, and I knew from her memories that she was brutal with them.

When I realized that I'd parked at the curb in front of Bella's house, I knew I'd found my distraction. Hunting Victoria could be the one thing that could keep my mind off of Bella. Maybe…

Looking at the tiny house, and the old lace curtains hanging in one window in particular, all other thoughts vanished. I could remember every time I'd scaled the wall and opened the window, entering the only heaven I'd know. I turned the CD on again, trying to find some relief from my own memories.

Thankfully Charlie arrived home early, and invited me in. "Bella'll be home soon," he said, looking at his watch. "Ya hungry?"

I just shrugged, and followed him into the house. We exchanged pleasantries about my classes and the quiet day he'd had at the police station. All the while, I was bombarded by the images and temptations of the past. The house carried Bella's scent in its walls, the floor, in its very essence, and the aroma inflamed my throat as always. We sat in the kitchen – the place where I watched her live.

I remembered the pleasure that filled her face when she would sample her cooking; the blush when our hands would touch as we did the dishes; and feeling of unadulterated joy I felt every time she greeted me at the back door, her chestnut eyes endlessly deep with adoration. It was wrong of me to be here, waiting for her, but this was another piece of my love that I would part with tonight. She wouldn't see me here again. Her life would be her own, untainted by the evil world I bore like a second skin.

Charlie was unaware of my turmoil, and pulled out some leftover pizza while we waited for Bella. I actually had to choke down a couple bites when he eyed me curiously. I hadn't dined with him alone before, and it seemed like he was surprised by my lack of enthusiasm for the food. I couldn't be sure though, and the obscurity of his thoughts were another reminder of the mystery of Bella's mind. Everything led back to her in this place…

Thankfully, dinner didn't last long, and we moved into the family room. As we passed the stairs leading up to Bella's room, I couldn't stop the memories from goading me. In my mind she bounded down the stairs, looking utterly amazing in my favorite dark blue blouse, literally falling like a feather into my arms. I pushed the image away before it could continue…

I sat in the chair – Charlie's normal spot – but he didn't complain. Bella would be home soon, and if I was on the couch she would sit next to me, testing my resolve again. Charlie switched on SportsCenter and slipped in to quiet concentration on the scores as they were displayed on the screen.

He was commenting on the Mariners bullpen when I first heard the truck. She was home.

She ran across the yard, her footfalls a soft padding on the walk. The door hit the side of the house as she entered. "Dad, Edward?" she called, her voice frantic.

I bit the inside of my lip, hearing her tone. But it was Charlie that was responsible for caring for her – I could no longer fill that role.

"In here," Charlie replied, not responding to her urgency. She appeared, surveying the room with worry in her eyes. She calmed when she saw me, but I didn't meet her gaze.

"Hi," she said timidly. I didn't move, afraid to respond and lose the battle that my body was waging to jump up and hug her.

A hint of confusion wove through Charlie's mind, but he didn't even glance at me. "Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay," she said, and I felt her eyes still on me. She didn't move, waiting for a greeting from me. I had to say something.

I looked at her and smiled, remembering my manners. "I'll be right behind you," I said, then tore my eyes away. Another lie – I wasn't going to leave the chair I was in until I went to the front door.

She sensed my deceit and stared at me, motionless. Eventually she turned on her heel and sprinted into the kitchen, ripping another small piece of my heart away as she did.

The chair scraped against the linoleum as she slid it out from the table and sat down. I couldn't see her, but I could hear her every movement. Charlie asked me something about the football stats on the TV, and I answered, not paying much attention. Bella was just sitting in the kitchen. I hadn't heard the pizza box open, nor had the disgusting smell of pepperoni intensified. Her breathing was labored, and her heart was racing. What was she thinking about?

I crossed and uncrossed my legs, fighting the urge to go to her, and thankfully she calmed. Whatever had bothered her must have resolved itself. She was strong, she would heal. I heard shuffling in the kitchen, and hoped she was finally getting something to eat.

As I settled into the chair again, wishing for the same ability to recover, her pulse jumped again. I tensed, but she rushed up the stairs to her room. I caught a glimpse of her face as she flew by, and determination was all I saw.

The next sounds I heard should have surprised me, but the clicking of the camera was just the sort of unpredictable reaction I'd come to expect from Bella. At least something good was coming from her birthday presents.

I was beginning to worry that I would have to go upstairs to say goodnight to her, when she came down the stairs, much slower than she'd gone up. It was the camera that reappeared first, as Bella snapped another photo.

I didn't react, but she had my full attention. She insisted that I take one of her and her father, and I began to grow suspicious. Bella wasn't one for sentimentality, why this sudden interest in preserving the moment?

Charlie volunteered to take one of the two of us, and I lightly touched her shoulder, posing for the picture. She wrapped her arm tightly around me, and I wondered if she'd learned of my plan to go. Had Alice gone to her at work?

I forced my lips into an empty smile when the camera flashed. Thankfully Charlie put a stop to the photography after that, and I sat back down, in the chair. Just a few more minutes, then I would go. I kept my eyes on the TV, and away from the stairs only a few feet away.

She sat next to me, on the floor, her breaths coming in fits and starts. There was no scent of tears, so she couldn't be crying—what was distressing her?

It was me, of course. Be it fear, anger, or just frustration, my presence had to be what caused her discomfort. I rose to go.

The sight of her on the floor, wrapped in a ball, crushed me. She was so small, so vulnerable, and she was trembling. Why was I putting her through this? "I'd better get home," I said, hoping she'd be relieved.

"See ya," Charlie said absently.

Bella slowly unfolded herself, leaning on the couch to keep her balance. The urge to help her up was hard to beat back, but as she reached her feet, I exited out the front door. I made a beeline to my car, while she scrambled to keep up.

"Will you stay?" she asked, but her depressed tone told me which answer she expected. As much as I'd hoped that she'd wanted me to go, it was apparent that the opposite was true. I wouldn't be a coward this time, though.

"Not tonight." Not ever again.

The rain began to fall with my words, providing the tears I couldn't cry.

Bella didn't make a move to touch me, but stood back, her arms crossed over her chest. She held all her emotions in, just as I did, watching as I got in and drove away.

I tried not to look at my mirrors, but I couldn't resist. Bella stood motionless in the rain until I was out of sight, silently imploring me to return to her side. Very few of my nights had been spent away from her; I'd only left to go hunting. The thought of spending this night alone, without the sound of her heartbeat to comfort me, brought the lump back to my throat.

It had to be this way – she had to be safe…

Bella wouldn't let go easily, and I would have to hide the rest of my feelings from her if I was to convince her to go on with her life without me. That was tomorrow's task, though; tonight's was facing my father.


	7. Domestic Disturbance

_Author's Note:_

_Here's the next installment - the music for Edward's conversation with Carlisle is Queen's Who Wants to Live Forever?_

_And for all you who what to kick Edward in the butt - Alice is on your side. But you'll see that soon enough 8-)_

_Thanks again for reading - the next chapter is 'The End'._

* * *

**Domestic Disturbance**

As I approached the house, the only mind I could sense was Carlisle's. Alice must still be with Jasper; Esme was on her way home from dropping Emmett and Rosalie at SeaTac airport. Carlisle reviewed one of his favorite medical texts as I parked. He noted my arrival, but didn't stop reading until I stood at his door.

_Come in._ The tone of his thoughts was calm. Carlisle rarely became angry, and I didn't expect his temper to rear its head tonight.

_Have a seat._ I also didn't expect to hear Carlisle's voice; with no one else present, he chose not to use it with me. It was a silence I needed to get used to, Bella's sounds would soon be gone from my life forever.

Carlisle evaluated my appearance, and skipped the preamble he'd prepared. _You look terrible, Edward. This plan has not fared well for you._

"No, it hasn't. But _my_ welfare is not at issue here, Carlisle, you know that." I looked him in the eye, determined.

_Why do you feel that tearing yourself out of Bella's life is the only choice? Treating one injury by causing another is never the answer._ He imagined how Bella would feel when she realized that I was leaving her, vividly picturing her tears.

My teeth came together with a snap. "Please, spare me the visuals." I took a slow breath; getting angry served no purpose. "The closer I get to Bella, the _more_ injury I cause her. You have been witness to the most graphic examples. This last time it wasn't even an external threat, it was my own _brother_ that nearly killed her - due in large part to _my_ extreme thirst. And in my weak attempt to protect her I maimed her. Surely you can picture _that_ in your mind."

Carlisle looked away, unable to stop the memory of me throwing Bella into the table, of Bella lying in a cacophony of broken glass, frosting, and her own, sweet blood from appearing. My jaw tightened as he winced at the recollection. _And you won't even consider alternatives?_

Alice's voice rang through his mental ears, _"She will become one of us, and soon. This vision won't leave me Carlisle - it's one of the strongest I've ever had."_

_If you stayed just another year, you could be together forever. I would even consent to helping you, Edward._

I looked down, overwhelmed by Carlisle's proposition. Never had the thought of turning Bella entered his mind in my presence. He'd been adamant that Emmett would be the last. Only once had I seriously entertained the fantasy of asking, but it was not something I'd ever really considered doing. The fact he would even offer to change Bella stunned me, especially in light of her physical health.

"You would damn her soul to hell, for me?" My word choice was intentional, and Carlisle knew it.

_You know my views on that subject. And honestly, it would not be easy for me to do._ Carlisle sighed; this offer was not made in haste, and it became clear he'd spent many nights thinking about it when I'd been with Bella. _But it is obvious that she is meant to be with you, son, and it seems that she is meant to become an immortal. She doesn't understand what she would be giving up, which is why she needs the time with you. Perhaps you could convince her otherwise, but you have to be with her to do that._

I remembered when Bella bluntly asked Carlisle to change her, little more than twenty four hours ago. "Why didn't you volunteer this service to her yesterday?"

_As I told her, this is between the two of you. But should you and she decide that immortality is her destiny, I'll assist you, if necessary. You know that I will do what ever you require of me._

My mind swam with the love Carlisle felt for me, and the memories of Alice's visions of a pale, crimson-eyed Bella. The temptation was so great... and I covered my face with my hands. No, it is wrong for me to dwell on this; she doesn't deserve to suffer in the sleepless, dreamless, hell I was consigned to.

"I can't doom her to my empty existence, Carlisle. She deserves to live, not suffer this unending thirst, fighting the monster within, every second of every endless night. She deserves the heaven I cannot give her." If I could cry, my eyes would be tearing. The thought of her soul being barred from paradise pierced my heart like a stake.

_You are more than that monster, Edward; your ability to love makes you _so much_ more. If you weren't, she would have died long ago. _Carlisle's eyes softened._ The fact that she is alive and in love with you proves that you are _not_ a monster, Edward. You have risen above the thirst._

"Perhaps. But in realizing that, I know that it is not _my_ life, _my_ desires, or _my_ safety that matters. And my love for her dictates that I have to do what ever it takes to give her what _she_ deserves, to protect _her_." A mental silence formed as Carlisle tried to choose his next words. Another point occurred to me, and I broke the pause first. "When you look at your family, Carlisle, if you could make us human - give us back the life we should have had - would you do _that_?"

Carlisle looked away, at the paintings behind me and frowned. His mind sped through the possibilities of what my brothers and sisters would say if given the choice to become human. Rosalie would jump at the chance, and Emmett would follow, without question. Jasper's path was not as clear. He would do almost anything to free himself of the torment of his talent, but wouldn't want to give up the strength and speed that allowed him to protect Alice. Alice had always wondered about being human, but her decision would hinge on Jasper's. Esme would stay with Carlisle, be it as vampire or human. He then looked at me, knowing my choice would be as easy as Rosalie's. _You would choose mortality with her._

Without hesitation I answered. "Yes." The future that could never be flashed before me. Holding Bella with arms that couldn't crush her, kissing her without poisoning her, sleeping - _dreaming_ - of her, and growing old with her. What I wouldn't do for such a future.

The same thoughts paraded through Carlisle's mind. _If only I could bestow such a gift._

He had to see that she deserved that human life. "By leaving, I _am_ giving her that gift. She can have that life we all should have lived," I said.

Carlisle's face drooped in resignation, and I knew the discussion was at its end. _Very well. We'll do as you ask. Esme has found a suitable residence in Ithaca, and has started the necessary arrangements. Is there anything else you need?_

"Can you speak to Alice? She is clinging to a future that will not happen, and she needs to leave Bella as much as I do. Please ask her to let Bella go."

_Why don't you ask her yourself?_

"If she comes back before you leave, I will." I looked away, anticipating his next question.

_You are not coming with us?_

"No."

Shock coursed through Carlisle's mind. _You can't isolate yourself, Edward, it will only be harder for you. Come with us so that we can help you heal, too._

"I'll catch up with you," I said half-heartedly.

_I want your word on that point_, he thought sternly.

"I have a few things to do first, but once those tasks are completed, I'll find you." By then, maybe, my heart would heal... but I doubted it. Just the thought of being near my family, hearing their happiness, their completeness with each other, knowing I would never share that joy, made my chest ache. No, I would never return, but Carlisle didn't need to know. I turned to go.

He noted my lack of commitment with a frown, but decided that it was a discussion for another time._ What will you do tonight? Your mother will be home soon._

I stopped at the door and pinched my eyes shut at the thought of facing Esme. Without turning around I spoke. "I'm going for a run."

Worry filled Carlisle as I left. Esme's thoughts danced on the fringes of my mind as I exited the house and sprinted away - away from the only family I had.

The forest was dark under the waning moon. Only a hair's-breadth of white shone down as the moon's glow was slowly eclipsed by the earth's shadow. How appropriate, as I was about to push myself out of the only light I'd known.

Bella lingered in my thoughts as always, and I quelled the memory of carrying her weightless body on my back as I ran. I was alone, and would be until my end. I focused on the one task that had yet to be finished - the one thing that might provide a distraction - Victoria.

As much as I hated to admit it, I would need Alice's help to start my search. She could show me where Victoria was headed, give me that first point to begin from. Then I would track the nomad. She wouldn't know that I was coming, so she wouldn't be able to hide for long. As I made my plans to search for her, I found a little peace from the constant pull of Bella's spirit - until I realized where I was.

The light ahead of me brought me to an abrupt stop, and as I stood at the edge of the trees I faced a tiny house with a police cruiser in the driveway. Like a moth drawn to a flame, even when I ran away, I ran to her.

This is so wrong... I tried to turn and go, but my feet wouldn't obey. Her breathing and her pulse were audible from where I stood, and held me in place as if they had shackled me to the ground. I couldn't stop my eyes from finding her window - the portal to my love.

This had to be the last time I came here - I _must_ deny myself these temptations. It was so wrong for me to be here. _Just one last night_, my heart cried.

_No, this had to end_, my mind argued. Finally I managed to shift my feet and began to look back into the trees when I heard her.

"Edward, don't," she said in her sleep. "Tell me...please." My heart felt like it would explode, and I'd walked into the yard before I pulled myself up short.

"I love you, Edward," she sighed in the darkness. The pain was so intense that my vision blurred. It would take less than a second for me to be by her side, feeling her warmth, watching her peaceful face, breathing her scent. She was restless, tossing and turning, continuing to mumble my name. I had to go.

Try as I might, I could not make myself run away, it was as if I was tearing my own arm off to leave, and I couldn't do it. Trembling, I forced myself back to the trees, only to sit in the damp greenery, pulling my knees to my chest. Here I would listen, going no closer. Each beat of her heart reminded me what I had to do; that I had to go. And yet, the gentle pulsing begged me to stay, to love her and protect her fragile heart.

27,630 beats later, the darkness gave way to a pale pink as the sun rose. I rose with it, finding a sad pride in not having fallen to her temptation, even when she woke, sobbing. The pain I was causing her had to stop.

Never again would I come here, and I let this latest bond slip away as I turned and ran. Only one night left.

When I arrived back home I said nothing, and Esme just watched as I went upstairs. Carlisle had spoken to her about honoring my decision, and I heard him quietly remind her as I'd entered. She was trying to avoid thinking about me, busying herself with packing, but her thoughts still drifted to me at regular intervals. Bella's face also floated through her consciousness as Esme mourned the loss and suffering of the girl who could have been her daughter.

I changed, and as I did I tried to convince myself to skip school, to stay away from Bella. I'd made it all night without seeing her... but instead of making it easier for me to leave, I only craved her company that much more. Carlisle needed another day to finish the preparations for the move, and I wouldn't leave until I knew that my family was gone. _Take this last chance to be with her,_ my selfish heart argued... and I headed to my car.

At school, I couldn't help but meet Bella at her truck, and when she arrived, my entire body exploded with longing for her. My absence last night made me even more sensitive to every aspect of her. My thirst burned hotter than it had in recent memory, and I swallowed the copious venom that filled my mouth at her approach.

_Her blood is what I want most of all,_ I reminded myself, _she_ is _my natural prey._

I managed to keep my eyes off of Bella for most of the day, and said hardly a dozen words to her. All the while the emotional upheaval raged in me; the joy at being with my love, the despair of separating myself from her, and the dark apprehension of the looming final farewell.

My only contact came when she was so distracted in English that she didn't hear her name after two attempts. I whispered the answer, unable to stomach the scolding she would get for not paying attention. She responded, avoiding any further questions from the teacher, and I went back to shutting myself off from her. Why was I even here? I should have left by now... this was just prolonging her discomfort. But I owed her that last goodbye...

At lunch Bella pulled her camera out of her backpack and handed it to Jessica. Soon the roll of film was full of idiotic shots of the adolescent humans around me. Seeing the camera flash reminded me that I needed to erase all evidence of my existence in Bella's life, and I sadly realized that I would have to visit her room one last time. It was not something I looked forward to.

The school day ended, and I saw Bella off, again with nary a word, and without a kiss. Thankfully she didn't ask if I would be visiting her tonight; the answer would not have pleased her. I left the campus and drove to a distant entrance of the national park. With time to _kill_ on my hands, I planned to do just that - and sped off into the forest to hunt. I would need all my strength to finally leave Bella, permanently.

This hunt was a chore, and I took no pleasure in it. The deer were too easy to find, too easy to kill, and too soon I was finished. My animalistic side never really took over, and the whole exercise was competed with the efficiency of a machine. So much for trying to distract myself. I considered forcing myself deeper into the park and hunting for larger game, but knew the results would be the same. After filling myself with deer blood, I made my way home.

Before the house even came into view I knew who was waiting to meet me. Alice and Esme were talking, and as I neared, Alice began to repeat the memory of visions she'd had of Bella through her mind, knowing I would see them. Surprisingly, Jasper was with them, quietly attempting to read. He was jumpy, anticipating my arrival. His worries revolved around Alice, though, not himself. What was Alice planning to say to me? I slowed, and considered turning around.

_Don't bother, Edward. No matter when you come back I'll be here,_ Alice threatened. Through Jasper's eyes I saw her frown, and Carlisle's mind shifted from the newspaper he was reading to her.

"Alice..." he warned as I parked.

I came in through the kitchen, and didn't stop on my way to my room. Alice's rebellious thoughts hadn't ceased, and she put voice to them. "Do you know what this is going to do to _her,_ Edward?" she sneered before I could reach the stairs. Her mind filled with an image of Bella curled in a ball, crying in the dark. It was impossible to tell where she was, surrounded by blackness.

"Stop it Alice. You think I don't know that she is going to suffer again because of me?" I said sharply, and started up the steps. The image was brutal - seeing Bella so alone, so sad because of me. At least this would be the last time Bella cried on my account.

"What about _your_ future, Edward?" Alice said, raising her voice. Her mind filled with an image of me in a ball this time - but I was already familiar with that feeling. "You aren't going to be in any better shape."

The pain in my chest exploded, and I squeezed the banister so hard that I left a handprint in the solid oak. Slowly I turned around to face my sister. "You can stop watching me as well. If you must look ahead, then show me where I'm going." I snarled. A red-headed vampire flashed through my mind briefly, and I ground my teeth together.

"You know it doesn't work that way-I can't just shut you out. You think I haven't tried before?" Her tone became accusatory. "You think that you are an island; that your life doesn't matter to anyone, even to us. Quit being such a martyr, Edward."

As Alice vented, Jasper tensed, and Esme and Carlisle prepared to intervene, but she didn't stop. "I don't think you even know how to be happy. You find the perfect mate, and then throw her love away like it's a piece of garbage." At her words I stepped toward her, my fists clenched.

Carlisle stepped in front of me as Jasper sprang in front of his mate. "Alice, that's enough." _Calm down, Edward_, he thought.

_Don't threaten her, Edward,_ Jasper thought vehemently.

"I thought you were her friend," I bellowed back. "_I _treated her like garbage?" I glared at Jasper, and Carlisle put his hands on my shoulders. "You're the one who'd throw her humanity away like it's a worthless piece of refuse. 'Just a quick nip, Edward, that's all it'd take,' you said, like she was a flask of brandy. And you have the gall to call her _sister?_"

_"STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!"_ Esme screamed at the top of her lungs. The sound, shrill and fearful froze us all in our tracks. "I can't take this any more." She rushed past me up the stairs and slammed the door of her room. I covered my eyes with my hand as I listened to her thoughts.

_Our family is falling apart around us. Why? What have I done wrong? All of my children are hurting... and there's nothing I can do. They don't deserve this..._ the thoughts shrieked through Esme's head as loud as if she were still shouting right next to me. They easily overwhelmed the concerns of everyone else. She cried tearlessly, and her outburst only added to the agony I already felt.

It was all my fault, and I just continued to inflict pain. Now my mother was grieving, too. I had to get away from everyone.

"I'm sorry. Carlisle, you'd better go to her. Please tell her I'm so sorry for hurting her, too," I said softly and turned back to the stairs.

"Edward please, this isn't the way," Alice pleaded, and Carlisle paused, waiting to see if he needed to intercede again.

"Regardless of what you think, Alice, this is my call. I need your promise that you will stay away from Bella."

"But..."

Carlisle turned to her and Jasper, raising his voice for the first time in years. "No more arguing." Alice swallowed, recognizing our father's frustration, and his tone quieted. "You may not agree, Alice, but the decision has been made. Do you intend to honor it, or defy Edward's wishes?" He peered down at her, hoping she would give up her crusade, even though he thought she was right.

Jasper took her in his arms, whispering so softly in her ear that neither of us could hear him. She nodded.

"We promise to honor Edward's request to stay away from Bella," Jasper said solemnly.

"Alice?" I knew she was trying to find a loop hole, something that would allow her to contact Bella, but she finally gave up.

"I promise." _But I'll be right behind you when you come back._ She reviewed a different vision she'd had, one of Bella wrapping her arms around me, both of us dressed in the gold of Forks High School's graduation gowns.

The conjecture had to stop. "And don't be looking for her future, either. We've done enough damage. There's only one thing I'm interested in," I said, ignoring her thoughts. She already knew what I was planning to do, and could provide me the starting point for my search, if she chose to.

She turned on her heel and picked up a suitcase that had been sitting by the door. In her mind I saw Victoria stalking a tent in the wilderness. As the red-head tore the shelter open and attacked the occupant, I saw a map next to the victim, the title clearly visible. "Thank you," I said before I flew up the stairs to my room. I closed the door behind me, but still heard the conversation downstairs.

_"Carlisle, do you want me to go to Esme?"_ Jasper said. He was ready to calm her, if necessary.

_"No. Just meet us at the house."_ Carlisle replied, putting his hand on my brother's shoulder. _Maybe having everyone else around her will help_, he thought.

Jasper nodded somberly - his plan to sulk back into solitude put on hold.

Alice gave one more thought to our mother as she considered saying goodbye, but took Jasper's hand. The only future she could see showed Esme crying in Carlisle's arms. "_We'll_ be there," she said. On the way to the garage she got in one more parting shot. _All of this will be for nothing..._

I tried to block out the sounds and thoughts as Carlisle consoled Esme, but couldn't, and suffered with them. Eventually he convinced her to go for a walk, and they too exited the house. I was alone.

So much strife I'd caused. Hopefully there would be peace for everyone once I'd gone.

It was only a few hours until school, and then it would be time to say goodbye to Bella forever. My legs began to shake, threatening to collapse as the prospect of eternity without her crushed me. I took a deep, unnecessary breath and tried to pull myself together. _She had to be safe_, I reminded myself. My feet finally began to take commands again and I moved to my computer.

After a quick search, I found the area I'd seen in Alice's vision, as well as what may have been one of Victoria's previous victims. It wouldn't take me long to get there. She wouldn't be taking human life for much longer.

After scanning a few articles about killings in the same area, I selected my destination. The computer screen blinked off and I moved to my closet.

I reached deep into the back corner, finding my large, black leather satchel. It had been a long time since I'd used a bag like this; it was reserved for long trips away from home. A very similar bag was on my shoulder the day I left Carlisle and Esme nearly eighty years ago to embrace the monster within me. Esme had cried that day, too.

The lump in my throat reappeared, but I hoped that it would be easier for her this time. Her family had grown so large since then, and all of her other children would stay. They would make her happy again.

I randomly selected some clothes and packed them in the bag, then retrieved the small box containing my extra IDs and money. After sorting through the stack of passports, credit cards, and driver's licenses I selected a few and put them in the bottom of the bag, along with a stack of cash. I then slipped my black leather jacket off its hanger and emerged from the closet.

There was another box on the shelf-the one that held the few trinkets that reminded me most of Bella. The thought of taking it vanished as soon as it appeared. The last thing I needed was more reminders of her; I already saw her face every time I closed my eyes. I emerged from the closet and glanced around my pitiful room once, looking to see if there was anything else worth taking. The shelves containing my CDs and my very few books stared back at me, but neither held any interest. The hunt would be the only reason I would exist, and after I found my quarry, I would wait. As I extinguished the light and closed the door to my room my chest became an empty void. My life, what it was, would end all too soon.


	8. The End

_Author's notes_

_Here it is - The End! Whew! Be sure and check out my notes at the end. I'm taking a little break but will be back to this story - promise!_

_Mood Music for The End:_

_When Edward's in Bella's room... Hinder's "Better Than Me"_

_and the song that will always be Edward in New Moon to me: Linkin Park's "What I've Done"_

_By way of a tease for the Epilogue (a long way off 8-), Maroon 5's "Wake Up Call" is totally Jacob to me - except for one stanza..._

_"I'm so sorry darling, Did I do the wrong thing? Oh, what was I thinking? Is his heart still beating?"... that's Edward's response 8-)_

_Enjoy, because it's not really The End, is it... hahahaha_

* * *

**The End**

After such a stressful night it was almost a relief to drive into the parking lot of the school. Today was the last day – the last day I would see her, the last day of what I could call my life. But she would live a much longer, much happier life, without me. Any pain I suffered would be easy payment if she could live the human life she deserved.

Her truck pulled up, and I couldn't stifle my first reaction. I smiled at the thought of her arrival, anticipating the first wisps of her scent, the electricity of her touch. Quickly I looked down before she could see. I'd succeeded in separating myself from her over these last days; I couldn't indulge in these thoughts – not today. I prepared for the onslaught on my senses as she parked.

When I looked up my eyes were empty again. Bella came around my car, her face drawn. She could feel the coming change, I could tell, but she was fighting. Part of me wanted her to resist, to keep me from leaving, but I carefully locked those selfish thoughts away. She deserved better than me.

"Good Morning," Bella said without feeling. As I lifted her backpack off her shoulder I put my other hand in my pocket, preventing her from wrapping her fragile fingers around mine. My throat began to burn intensely; my time away from Bella had weakened the resistance I'd built up against her delectable fragrance. Memories of that first, fateful day filled my mind, but amazingly, the monster remained in check. I swallowed and nodded, not quite meeting her stare. She sighed and we walked to class.

Her face was filled with a new determination today, and though I tried to ignore the set of her eyes, I couldn't. I sneaked peeks all during class, looking for clues to what she could be thinking. I justified my curiosity as preparation for what was coming after school. Even now as we sat in class I could see the wheels in her head turning, trying to understand what was happening. She was trying to read my mind as hard as I'd tried to read hers.

The silence between us continued, and I regretted that I couldn't hear her voice more on this last day. Every second with her was agony knowing that there were so few left, but also ecstasy since I deserved none of them. Finally I walked her to her last class, one we didn't share.

"Will I see you after school?" she asked, and I hated the fear I caused in her eyes. _She should fear me,_ I reminded myself.

"Sure," I said nonchalantly. She frowned, and turned, entering the building. I sighed as she disappeared. The rest of the afternoon would be filled with the two tasks I dreaded most: collecting any evidence of my presence in Bella's life, and saying goodbye.

Class started all through the school, but I headed into the forest. Without thinking, I automatically made my way to Bella's house. Even though it was a nice day for a run, the trip brought me no joy. Nothing would bring me happiness again, not without her. My throat tightened as I approached her house.

I reached for the key under the eave, rather than heading to her window. There were too many memories that surfaced at the sight of that simple pane of glass, and I couldn't afford to dwell on them now. Quickly I ran up the stairs. _The faster I get this done and get back, the better,_ I thought, but I couldn't help but stop as I entered her room for the last time.

It felt like it had been so long since I'd been here, even though it'd only be a couple of days. I almost expected things to be different somehow, but they weren't. Everything was exactly the same, and it hurt all the more.

_Get to work_, I told myself. There was only one reason I was here: to erase myself from her life. The fewer reminders she had of me, the better. Perhaps there was some wisdom in Bella's insistence that I didn't give her any gifts… there was little of me here to collect.

There were her birthday presents. I easily located the tickets and removed the CD from her player. For a moment I struggled with the idea of removing the radio from her truck, but discounted that idea. It wasn't from me, after all, and leaving a gaping hole in her dashboard would cause more problems than it would solve. The same was true of the clothes that filled her closet courtesy of Alice. It was only MY existence that needed to be removed, so she wouldn't follow after me. She wouldn't chase after the others.

I looked around again, and spotted her photo album on the floor. _The pictures she took yesterday…_

I took a deep breath and tried not to think about the bed I sat on, about the nights spent there, holding her… _DON'T…_

Gingerly I picked up the book, opened it, and was greeted with the first photo she'd taken. I stared at the picture, not recognizing the face—my face—smiling up at me. It was before – when I was still innocently happy. I snatched the photo and turned the page. As I studied the photos from school, I found myself in the background of most of them, so I decided to remove them all. She could easily take new ones. Then I turned to the last page.

My silly Bella… I couldn't stop the thought as I stared at the folded photo. Again I was confronted with my own image, recognizing this dead face. I pulled the photo out and turned it over, revealing her. _This is side that mattered_, I thought. Briefly I ran my finger over the image, wishing that there could possibly be some way I could stay. For a second I considered taking the picture with me, but as much as I was taking myself out of her life, I needed to keep her out of mine. Reminders like this would just tempt me to return.

Only her writing was left on the pages, my name inked below an empty frame. I couldn't erase it, and though I considered blacking out the words, I chose not to. This one thing I would leave. It was selfish, but she would probably tear the page out herself. I set the empty book back down on the floor and prepared to go. I collected the items I was taking and looked around one last time, picking up the negatives that were sitting on her desk. There was nothing else I had to find, to take. What would I do with these reminders?

I couldn't dispose of them – they still belonged to Bella regardless. And I couldn't take them with me… As I stood the floor creaked under my weight, and I looked down.

The loose floor board came up easily, revealing a small space between the joists. Somehow the thought of leaving these memories behind, so close to her, comforted me. She would never know, but I would. One last selfishness…

As the board slipped back into place I realized that my heart was being sealed in to the tiny space as well. I would never be whole again. I stood, took one more look, then ran out of the house. _Goodbye_, I thought, and steeled myself for the end.

Classes were nearly over, and I decided to sit in my car and wait out the final minutes in the parking lot. I flipped open the glove box and perused the CDs there. One by one I took them out slowly, reading each word on the paper inserts. None of them piqued my interest, but by being so deliberate I managed to pass the few minutes until the bell rang.

Only a few moments remained of my time with her, so I went to meet her as she exited her class. Forcing my eyes ahead, we walked to her truck. I couldn't help but steal a glance at her as we walked, and I could see resolve forming on her face. She was preparing to fight. How I loved her…

But I had to stop this. "Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked, trying to stay detached. Her look became startled.

"Of course not."

"Now?" I asked too quickly as I opened the door of her truck.

Bella became wary. "Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I glanced at the envelope on the seat, stuffed so full it was barely sealed. _She'd had double prints made. _ In a flash I grabbed the letter. "I'll do it, and I'll still beat you there." I managed a smile, but she didn't return it.

"Okay," she said and I closed the door for her.

The letter was heavy in my hand as I walked to my car without looking back. I would have to be fast to get this safely locked away with the other memories before she arrived. Thankfully the parking lot was jammed behind me and I raced to her house.

There was little time, so I did what I couldn't do before and leapt through her window. I carefully opened the envelope and removed the photos, quickly placing them under the floor. The flap of the envelope now invited me. It had opened easily enough – Bella hadn't sealed it well – and all I had to do was re-lick the glue. I closed my eyes as I lifted the flap to my lips.

This would be the last taste… and I let my tongue drift over the paper. In this one moment I remembered her kiss, but the flavor was so strong, it brought back much more. My mind filled with the taste of her – that one terrible taste I'd had in Phoenix, as she lay torn between death and transformation. The euphoria her blood had brought me, and the monster that it called to returned in a flash. _I _am_ that monster, and that is why I must leave._

Time was nearly up; Bella would be arriving soon. I finished sealing the letter and the floor, and didn't bother looking back this time. Slipping into my car, I hid the letter under my traveling bag in the passenger seat and turned on the radio. I covered my eyes with my hand, trying to focus on what had to happen in these last minutes.

Bella was no fool. It was obvious that she was worried that something was seriously wrong, but my true intentions appeared to remain a mystery to her. It was clear that she would resist me. She wouldn't understand that this was the right way – the only way to keep her safe. She would be hurt by my words, and the thought of her sadness was like a knife in my heart.

How would I do this? _Where_ would I do this? In all my trepidation, I hadn't considered where we'd be standing when I made that final break. I'd assumed it would be here at her house, but as I envisioned standing on her porch, in her kitchen, by her truck, nothing felt right. How could I taint the places she lived with such a despicable memory? I wanted to remove any reminders of me, not leave an indelible stain that she would have to pass every day.

My eyes drifted up, across the lawn and to the crack of trail that broke the edge of the trees. Bella hadn't traveled that way since I'd warned her about the dangers in the forest months ago… and it held no positive memories for her, as far as I knew. That was the spot, then, just at the head of the trail. Perhaps my goodbye would discourage her from ever treading that path again, keeping her just a little farther away from the dangers lurking in the woods.

I reached down and turned off the radio. The music had been no help, only serving to remind me of what I was about to give up. I realized that my one refuge would no longer hold any peace for me. The ache in my chest intensified, but what I felt didn't matter. Only she mattered – her safety. I tried to breathe as I heard her truck approach.

Bella looked uneasy, parking at the curb. As I moved to meet her I couldn't help but take in every detail of this last encounter. How her hair moved around her as she turned toward me, the shape of her body, the smoothness of her skin, the warmth of her deep brown eyes – everything was burned into my memory, forever.

Her scent drifted toward me, and the fire in my throat warmed. For once I didn't try to push the bloodlust away. I embraced it, remembering the creature I am – why I was here – what I had to do. This monster, and all others like it, had to be removed from Bella's life for good. This image was what I kept before me as I reached toward the love of my existence.

As I took Bella's bag from her she relaxed for a second. When I reached around her and placed it back into the truck the tension returned. She was so observant, so smart, so beautiful…

_No, don't…_ I chastised myself. This was going to be difficult enough without indulging in my own feelings. I am a monster – and she would die if I stayed.

"Come for a walk with me," I said, suddenly remembering that first day when the bloodlust had nearly won. Sitting in that classroom, my thirst raging as it never had, I'd thought of a thousand ways to kill Bella. Taking her into the woods was one of the first options I'd come up with – how ironic that this would be the way I would be ending my own life. The brief flicker of life I'd found with her…

The heat from her hand wrapped itself around mine as I led her to the trees. Her heart was beating fast, matching the pace of her breathing. I recognized the reaction from long ago – the flight reflex. Even she could see the demon next to her. A fissure began to slowly form in the center of my chest as we slowed, entering the cover of the foliage.

I stopped, within easy sight of the house, and dropped her hand, breaking yet another connection between us. Bella frowned nervously as I gazed at her, diverting my attention momentarily. The words I'd planned to say ran through my mind.

"Okay, let's talk," she said strongly. _She had no idea what I was about to do to her._

Inhaling, I started. "Bella, we're leaving." She took a breath, too, but her expression relaxed and my heart sank. This was going to be exceptionally difficult.

"Why now? Another year –" she started.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I studied her expression as her brow furrowed in thought. It was as if I was speaking to her in Greek – understanding eluded her. I stared down at her waiting for her mind to grasp what I was saying; waiting for her to realize how I was about to hurt her.

Her eyes changed and her face paled. My stone heart writhed in pain.

"When you say _we_ –" she whispered and paused. _No, don't do it, there has to be a better way_, my heart screamed, but I would not be swayed.

"I mean my family and myself," I said mechanically. _Not you_…

She shook her head, displaying the argument I was expecting. Bella didn't speak as my words slowly penetrated her being. Surprisingly, her expression transformed to relief.

"Okay, I'll come with you." And the argument began. With every word, part of me longed to stay, or to take her away – to some how be with her – just the two of us. But it was my proximity that had put her in so much danger – nearly killing her, how many times was it now? No matter where _she_ was _I_ had to be some where else.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going," _where I'm going,_ "it's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me," she said stubbornly. How could I get her to see, to let me go?

"I'm no good for you, Bella," I said firmly.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."

No, that's wrong… she is the best part, she is _all_ of my life. Always she saw things backwards. Something stirred in the back of my mind – something black and deceitful.

"My world is not for you." And never would be, no matter what Alice saw.

"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right." Finally she saw something for what it was. "It was exactly what was to be expected." And would happen again, the next time her blood was spilled in front of me. I cringed at the thought of my lips at her throat, unable to stop myself when she was injured again.

Bella didn't give up, her blushing anger more enticing than her argument. "You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay –"

"As long as that was best for you." But my presence had only brought her more tribulation, more pain.

She winced as she waved her injured arm in frustration. "_No!_ This is about my soul, isn't it?" she yelled. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care. You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!" she shouted.

I ripped my eyes from hers, tilting my head down but seeing nothing. How wrong she was – I could _never_ take her soul, destroy such a beautiful, perfect spirit. If I could give her mine in return, maybe, but mine had long since made its way to hell. There was no way I would allow her to join me there, no matter how much she begged. That would be worse than watching her die.

Again, she her logic was the reverse of what it should be. She would sacrifice her most precious possession for me, to the one… creature… with absolutely nothing to give in return. If she could only see things the way they truly are… but no. What if I twisted my argument to match her logic?

The blackness in my mind took form, becoming the one lie that would be impossible to sell, even to one as gullible as Bella. _I'm no good for you, Bella_, I'd said, but she couldn't accept that fact. The reverse was agony for me to even think. _You're no good for me…_

But how could she possibly believe it? She'd witnessed the rebirth of my being, transforming from a solitary existence into one where I spent every moment possible with her. The evidence was not just emotional, but physical. Esme, Carlisle, even _Rosalie_ had commented on my appearance, the light that Bella instilled in my features. No, she would reject this lie before it left my lips.

But what choice did I have? Arguing with her until she became so exhausted that she fell asleep? The thought of seeing her peaceful, trusting eyes closed again, made my arms ache to hold her. Just hearing her furious voice, her shouts, was nearly more than I could take – it'd been days since she'd said so much to me. But I had to go – she had to be free to live.

Somehow I had to convince Bella I didn't love her. She saw through everything with her superhuman perception – how could I sell such a lie? But if she saw it in reverse, could she finally understand that I was wrong for her, that she deserve so much more? What would I do if it didn't work?

I stared at the ground, taking every feeling, every truth that Bella had instilled in me and locking it away. The hole in my chest ripped open wide, and I let everything that she'd given me disappear into it, finding that nothing remained. I was gone – everything that was Edward Cullen disappeared with her; all that was left was the cursed stone shell I wore. It was with empty eyes I looked up at her and spoke the heinous words, the greatest lie.

"Bella," her name pierced me, "I don't want you to come with me." I looked at her face, but didn't see her eyes. I couldn't bear to witness the anger that must be there.

She didn't move, though, and stood staring up at me blankly. Her brow creased, as if trying to make sense of such a simple statement. She must be choosing her next argument – she knows that I live for her. How many times had I confessed my love to her in these past months? We spent hardly an hour apart. I hadn't been more than an a few minutes away from her since returning from Phoenix. How can I convince her that all my actions had been meaningless, when in truth they were the first worthwhile things I had in my life?

Her lips began to move. "You…don't…want me?" Her voice was confused – and that shocked me.

"No," was all I could say. I continued to peer at her, not blinking, keeping all my thoughts hidden. She had to see through this lie – how could she believe such a myth? Her expression changed only slightly, but not to the angry disbelief I was expecting.

"Well, that changes things," she said evenly. My heart, hidden away from her ripped in two, and I had to look away. Bella _did_ believe me, and that hurt so much more. How easily she accepted the lie that I could just throw her love away. It was as if she was leaving _me_ now.

The argument I'd planned to make shifted slightly in my mind, and a different version of the same words began flowing out of my mouth.

"…I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that," I ended, actually incorporating a small piece of the truth. I was a shameless liar, and I stared at her, heartlessly.

"Don't," she whispered, "Don't do this." Each word speared me. _No, don't do this!_ my heart screamed in agreement. I pushed the words away. _She had to live._

"You're not good for me, Bella," I lied again. Her face fell, completely embracing the words. _How can you believe me – without you I'm _nothing_. There has never been anything as good for me as you, my love._

_She must live_, I argued silently.

She struggled again with her words, starting to speak, but then paused. I waited, barely enduring the torture. Her thoughts would forever remain a mystery to me, and the pain of that realization nearly broke my will.

"If … that's what you want," she said softly. _What _I_ want doesn't matter…_

_She must live. _ I could only nod in agreement – the pain was too much. Her demeanor changed again, becoming distant. Her hands swayed at her sides, and fear rushed through me at the thought she may faint. There was only one thing more, then I would go.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." Her face softened for a moment and I could see that she would do anything for me, that she cared that much. Every cell in my body begged me one last time to stop, to wrap my arms around Bella and never let her go. _It is all a lie!_

My chest began to ache and I had to fight for every breath, carefully concealing the truth from my one and only love.

"Anything," she said, and a hint of strength lay behind the word. I couldn't hide my feelings as I made my last request of her. I gazed deeply into her eyes, willing her to know how much I loved her, how important she was to me. Lost in her perfect chestnut pools, I had to remind myself to speak

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I commanded.

She nodded weakly, and I knew she understood. Carefully I tried to lock away all the love, all the concern, my whole life, hiding it from her again. Pushing it all away, for without her I was nothing.

_But she will live._

I reinforced the lie. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him." _And for me._

"I will," she breathed, nodding her head again. At least she didn't argue this one point.

I owed her my own oath, though it rang hollow, mixed in with all the lies. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." As I spoke the words, I tried to brand them into my heart. She deserved nothing less from me.

Bella teetered before me. Again I feared she would faint – if I had to carry her to the house I didn't think my will would hold. My words were gentle, soothing, at least to her. "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." _But not for me…_

As if she read my mind she said "And your memories?"

"Well…"

How I wanted to tell her that I would remember every intimate detail of her. Her smell, her touch, every single word she'd ever spoken to me, every look, every smile, every tear, even her unbelievably delicious taste was etched into my memory permanently, never leaving me, always there to haunt me until the end of my days. I couldn't even lie to her – she would see through me in a second.

"…I won't forget. But _my_ kind…we're very easily distracted." I tried to smile, to convince her, and myself, that it was true. At the moment, I couldn't see how I could possibly avoid thinking of her, of this moment. _Victoria,_ my mind whispered, but the name faded away on the breeze.

Bella'd believed me, believed the outrageous lie, and this was the end. It was finally time to leave. If I stayed any longer I wouldn't ever go. I stepped back, my chest empty but for the pain – a pain I would live with until the end of my existence.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." As I prepared to turn away, her expression changed to surprise, and it caught me off guard for a second.

"Alice isn't coming back."

It seemed I must continue to torture her, and myself. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." Her face was vacant now – completely empty, just like my spirit.

"Alice is gone?"

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I struggled to keep Alice's visions of me and Bella happily together from intruding on my mind. That future would disappear now.

Bella was swaying again, her face white, her eyes empty. She took a breath. How I wanted to hold her.

_It is time…let her live._

"Goodbye, Bella," I said softly, taking one last, long look at her beautiful face. Before I could move, she stepped toward me.

"Wait!" she croaked, and her hands came up to me.

I trapped her arms, carefully preventing her from reaching out to me, but before I could stop myself I bent down, foolishly touching my lips to her forehead. The electricity I felt whenever I touched her skin had not diminished in these last torturous days, and it flashed through me like lightening in that half second of contact. I savored the warmth, the smell, the feeling of her pulse in my hands and under my lips, and for one more second the sound of her heart. My senses were full of her, and my heart tried again. _Don't_ _do it! Stay with her, forever… she needs you, she LOVES YOU._

Fighting every instinct I had, I let go. "Take care of yourself," I whispered, turning away before she opened her eyes.

_She will live…_ but the words were empty, as I knew that my life was over. Without her I would only exist, until the day she died. Then I would cease to exist, and there would be peace. There had to be peace…

Without looking back I ran as fast as I could. Each step tore at my flesh, ripping another small piece of my heart away and leaving it behind me. In three of her heartbeats I was standing next to my car.

I listened for her footsteps to cross the lawn, but heard a much more disturbing sound, the fading rustle of leaves. She was trying to follow me.

_Bella, don't try and find me… _

My eyes turned toward the trees again, my legs begging me to go find her, but with all the strength I could muster I turned the opposite direction and ran into her house. I found a piece of paper and quickly scribbled a note, mimicking her unique handwriting and telling Charlie where to find her in case she got lost. I glanced at the clock as I set the note by the phone. He would be home in minutes to watch the early game; she couldn't go far. He would make sure she was safe.

As I returned to my car, I heard her again, still walking through the greenery. There was nothing left inside me now except pain, and with every sound it deepened. If I stayed another second I wouldn't be able to stand it – I would go to her. And once she was within my grasp I would never let her go.

Quickly I got behind the wheel, barely seeing the road as I drove away for the last time. Her scent clung to the interior of the Volvo, creating a ghostly vision that beckoned me from the passenger seat, begging me to return. Blindly I headed out of town. As the minds of the drivers around me buzzed in the back of my head, I turned off the main road and into the forest. Unaware of exactly where I was, I pulled over, unable to take the torture any longer.

That last glimpse of her face, with her eyes gently closed, was permanently etched into my eyelids, and every time I blinked it appeared before me. There could be no agony worse than this…

_But there could be_, I reminded myself. Another image filled my mind, one of blood mixed with Bella's beautiful hair, surrounding her broken body. Not a nightmare – a memory. Too many times her life had been endangered by me, by being exposed to my world. It was just a matter of time before she would be injured again, probably fatally. Then she would be gone forever, and it would be my fault.

The pain of that thought brought my hands up to my face as my chest was slashed open and everything inside vanished. As empty as leaving her left me, the idea of her dying literally erased my existence. I forced myself to breathe, to calm down, but the sensation was now permanent. At least without me she would live. She would enjoy a human life, and it would end someday in a human death. Then she would find the paradise I would never see.

_She_ will forget _me_, I thought, and the pain only increased. The look in her eyes, the easy acceptance of my rejection ripped me again. How could she believe that I could just leave her? I was so prepared for her to fight, to beg, to make it impossible for me to leave, that I was shocked when she didn't. Her love had changed me in innumerable ways; I had assumed that it was the same for her. Had I been wrong all this time?

I tried to breathe, but couldn't. Every thought that crossed my mind only caused more hurt. Even as I tried to think about how much better off Bella was without the danger my world posed, I found no comfort. As she moved forward with her life, mine ceased. There was nothing for me now, _nothing…_

The silent torture was broken by the vibration of my phone lying in the cup holder. I lowered my hands and picked it up, trying to decide if this was really a distraction or if it would only amplify the pain. Finally I looked at the caller ID, expecting it to be Alice. I was mildly surprised that it wasn't.

"Yes, Carlisle," I said softly. My breath was ragged as I fought to get enough air to speak.

"You've spoken to her," he said, matching my tone. He fell silent, waiting.

"Yes," I sobbed, tearlessly. How such a small word could carry so much sadness. My throat closed, and I couldn't speak anymore. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't see anymore.

"Stay where you are," he said, and the line went dead.

Alice had told him where I was. My hand moved to the key, preparing to go, but I still hadn't found my senses. Part of me longed for my father's company, just for a little while, but my pain was not his, nor should it be.

Slowly I managed a breath. He deserved a real goodbye. I straightened up and rubbed my face, trying to erase some of the sadness. My emotions could not be locked away again; Bella had the only part of me that allowed that – my heart.

_Please wait, Edward, we are almost there,_ Carlisle's thoughts intruded.

_Please Edward…_ and Esme's. My head fell against the steering wheel at the thought of facing my mother – she would be nearly as hard to say goodbye to as Bella.

Again I reached for the key, trying to find the strength to run from them, but by that time a familiar black car pulled behind mine and stopped. I forced another uneven breath, then grabbed the black leather bag next to me and deliberately opened my door. The ghost of Bella smiled at me, sitting next to the letter I'd promised to mail. The apparition remained in the car when I got out. I stood, waiting, my eyes glued to the ground.

Esme reached me first, not allowing me to take even a step toward her. She wrapped her arms around me and put her head on my chest.

_I'm sorry, Edward… We love you… Please don't go…_ the thoughts repeated over and over in her mind as she held me tight. I loved her so much, my mother, and I returned her hug, resting my cheek against her hair.

"You know I have to go. I'll keep in touch, I promise," I whispered.

She shook her head and didn't move.

I finally dropped my arms, but she refused to let go, and I was afraid that I would have to repeat the scene I'd just suffered through with Bella. Thankfully Carlisle interceded.

"Esme, we have to let Edward choose his own path," he said gently as he broke her hold on me. His thoughts carefully mirrored his words, though there was something more…

Esme finally released me, but then pulled my face down to hers and kissed me on the cheek. "Remember that _we_ love you, too. Please come home soon," she begged.

"I love you, Mom," I said hoarsely. I glanced in her eyes for a moment, but when my lip began to tremble I turned away, staring into the darkening trees.

She stepped back, and Carlisle held her for a moment, trying to comfort her without betraying his own sadness. Esme then trudged back to the car, and I reluctantly looked at my father.

_I must ask you one last time, is this the only way?_ He studied my face, unable to hide his own sadness any longer.

I tried to swallow the lump that filled my throat. He meant the words only as a confirmation, yet they hit me hard, tempting me again. One more opportunity to turn back…

"Yes, it is," I said firmly, looking away again.

The temptation increased as Carlisle remembered Alice's description of the vision that no longer existed, and the image I'd seen in her mind returned. I had my arms wrapped around a white-clad Bella as I leaned down to kiss her. A future that Alice still believed in.

In my mind the white transformed into the soft pile carpet in what used to be my home, and the red of her lips became a bloody pool surrounding her creamy skin. I set my jaw at the sight. Alice's version of the future was far from perfect, and there would be no more mistakes.

"A lot can happen between now and then," I snapped as my eyes came up to meet his. Regret filled me immediately. "I'm sorry, Carlisle. It has to be this way. I love her too much, and the danger is too great." _Please understand_, I thought.

I inhaled again, but the breath did not fill me. Suddenly I remembered that my hand wasn't empty. "There is one thing you could do for me, though." I held out my keys. "Could you please mail the card in the front seat? It's a letter from Bella… to her mother." My throat closed on her name as the sound of it speared me. Carlisle carefully took the keys with a nod. He gazed into my face, worried.

_Where will you go? Our family is incomplete without you, Edward._ My sadness was now mirrored in his eyes, and drove the pain into my chest again. I couldn't stay and torture them, too.

"I'm going to kill Victoria." The name changed part of the sadness to hate as I saw the red-head's face flash through my mother's mind. She was listening intently to my every word. "She cannot be allowed to pose a threat to anyone, let alone Bella."

Carlisle studied my expression and briefly considered offering to come with me. Before I could protest he thought of Esme and changed his mind. He put his hands on my shoulders.

_Be safe, son. I love you,_ he thought as he then put his arms around me and hugged me goodbye.

My voice came out as a croak. "I love you too, Dad."

He stepped back, and without another glance I turned and ran into the forest. Both Carlisle and Esme's thoughts were filled with sadness and love as they watched me disappear.

The cold, moist air whipped through my hair as I ran, but it did nothing to calm me. It only reminded me of the empty maw that was my chest. Unable to cry, unable to sleep, unable to forget – now I knew that I was truly damned.

Only one thought could distract me, and as the trees blurred around me, the words I'd seen on my computer screen briefly obscured the image of Bella in my mind.

Hiker Found Mauled on Trail near Billings, screamed the headline. Victoria was hunting…

* * *

_End Notes:_

_So there it is – he left her, just like you expected. 8-(_

_And though this is the end, it's not. Check out the updated first chapter – the PREFACE. There is much more coming – how Edward tries to track Victoria, stumbling across her kills, not knowing what she's truly planning. How she learns that someone is following her, and leaves a trail that leads him to South America._

_Then there's the Volturi… So much to tell! How about a snippet or two:_

From the chapter, Dead Man Walking, Edward's first perception of Aro's talent:

Demetri bowed his head. _"Masters. A new vampire has arrived and requests an audience with Aro. His name is Edward Cullen."_

The brothers exchanged a glance and memories of Carlisle appeared in both men's minds. _"_Edward_ Cullen? Interesting,"_ Aro said, stepping toward Demetri with his hand raised. He wanted to read his minion's thoughts, to see my image for himself. Demetri took a single step and also raised his hand. As they touched, I heard Aro's mind fill with the sights and sounds well beyond what I sensed in Demetri's head.

I gasped as I realized that he was receiving all of Demetri's thoughts: all his memories, all his ideas, even all his fantasies, from the beginning of his life. Aro _was_ powerful – more so than even Carlisle had realized. Reflexively I leaned over my knees and pinched the bridge of my nose – I would have to bare it_ all_ to Aro.

And one from the Chapter Verdict, la tua cantante:

"But still – la tua cantante! What a waste!" Several vampires around us had encountered their singers, and they sighed quietly, reliving the experience. Aro recalled my memory of tasting Bella's blood – and the bliss it brought me – but though my throat roasted, the taste lacked the intense temptation it once had.

"I look at it more as a price." The greatest love should come with the highest price. I prayed that I'd paid enough.

And one last teaser from The Vote, Bella's (and Edward's) epiphany:

I may not deserve her, but she was mine. Her heart raced in my grasp, just as mine would've, were it possible. We would share _her_ heart, and I would savor every beat.

Reluctantly I released her lips as she wobbled beneath me. The strength of her love left me breathless, and as I rested my head on hers I drank in her scent, her flavor, with gusto.

"_You love me."_ The words repeated in my head – and her epiphany took hold of me.

I'd arrogantly thought that she was incapable of understanding how deeply I adored her, but her words illustrated how wrong I was. She understood so much better than I did—and she always had.

_I'll be back on this in December… after I've recharged and hopefully knocked out another book (hee hee hee). Maybe one of these will actually sell! But I will be back, promise!_

_Thanks again for all the reviews and for coming on this sad journey. Hopefully things will be a little happier when I get back to this (though not for a while!)._

_blondie_


	9. Distraction

_Author's Notes:_

_I'm back! I can't commit to a specific posting schedule, due to the upcoming holidays, but there will be at least one more chapter before Christmas._

_You'll remember that we left Edward running into the forest after saying goodbye to Carlisle and Esme, headed to Montana to start the hunt for Victoria._

_This is where we enter that world of the twilight unknown, and so I have a little more leash to play with as Edward attempts to find his nemesis, Victoria. Given that, you all know that I still will try and stick to canon as much as possible. I hope you enjoy this little jaunt outside the fence, so to speak. 8-)_

_Thanks to Roo and NoMoreThanUsual for beta-ing this chapter!_

_Oh, and I like Pink Floyd's 'Run Like Hell' for this chapter - Well, I like it for a lot of things... 8-)_

_

* * *

  
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**Distraction**

Every step I took away from her became more and more labored. It was as if I was running through wet concrete, and the farther I went, the thicker it became. How I wanted to go back – to climb into her bedroom and beg for her forgiveness. It wasn't far, and I knew time would mean nothing if I was going towards her. I ached to hear her voice, even her screams of anger. The punishment would be heavenly if I could only be with her again.

But my punishment meant nothing compared to what she'd been put through in the past eight months. No, I had to keep going. Away… let her go…just one more step…

City lights appeared before me, but I had no idea where I was. The faint sound of cars announced some kind of civilization and I turned toward it numbly. She would be safe… I was far away from her. _What was I going to do without her?_

My head cleared, remembering my self-imposed mission. The hunt…to find and kill Victoria. The name, and the red-haired memory it conjured, freed a tiny corner of my mind of the yearning. I had a purpose, be it an empty one, and I found, if not peace, then perhaps direction in it. _Victoria…_

Alice's final vision had pointed the way to the remote wilderness in Montana. The hunt would take me even further away, hopefully dulling the piercing pain Bella's absence left in my chest.

The highway came into view, its green and white signs announcing the city of Olympia ahead. It'd taken much longer than usual to run here; the sun had already set, and the dark, moonless night had settled on the town. The flights to Billings had long since left. I'd have to be more creative with my transportation.

Running would take too long; I needed a car. I followed the road into the city, running in the trees along the shoulder for a while, but veered north as I recognized the streets. There was a dealer nearby–over the summer Jasper and I'd come out to look at the new Mustangs. I wonder if they'd gotten the newSaleen. It wouldn't be as finely tuned as the Volvo, but it wouldn't smell the same, either…like _her._

_That scent, so sweet…_ My knees buckled, but I caught myself on a light pole. _Transportation… hunt… Victoria._ My feet moved forward.

The lights at the dealership gave the rows of cars an unnatural blue tint under their fluorescent glow. I walked straight into the showroom, spying the black car that would be mine. With its racing stripes and slotted hood, the car exuded power, speed. The opposite of inconspicuous, this car screamed for attention… and my memory betrayed me again.

"_We _try_ to blend in,"_ I'd said.

"_You don't succeed."_ Her voice floated above my thoughts, teasing me with the double meaning of her words.

_I_ will_ succeed_, I vowed to myself silently._ She _will_ be safe and eventually— happy._

The conspicuous nature of the car didn't matter anyway. If I was to track Victoria, I would have to follow her ways. Nomads traveled almost exclusively by night, hiding during the day. In the dark, the car wasn't as eye catching, and I needed the speed. My last indulgence.

The floor was quiet tonight, and the salesmen were clustered around the reception desk, undressing its female occupant with their thoughts. The girl was unremarkable compared to my Bella. My thoughts wandered back to her brown hair and chocolate eyes, before I caught myself.

_Victoria. Must. Find. Victoria._

"Ahem. May I speak to the sales manager?" I asked, interrupting the men's fantasies.

The three men stopped their ogling and faced me. The tallest one matched my height, and he glanced at his partners. _What does this kid want?_ His thought was echoed in the others' heads.

Grateful for the interruption, the woman smiled at me. "I'll call him."

The tall one held up his hand, interrupting her. I picked his name, Stan, out of the snickers in the others' heads. "He's with a customer. What do you need?" _A glass of milk? Your mommy?_

"I _need_ this," I said, pointing at the high performance car beside me.

"Right. And you just happen to have sixty grand tucked in between your school books." Stan glanced back at his friends and they all laughed.

I didn't have time for this nonsense. "Please interrupt the sales manager and show him my card," I said to the receptionist, ignoring him. Her eyes glazed over as she nodded her consent, holding her limp hand out to me.

"_You really shouldn't do that to people,"_ Bella's memory whispered.

I withdrew a black credit card from my back pocket and started to pass it to her in a painfully slow human gesture. With great restraint I let the loudmouth snatch it out of my fingers.

_What the hell is this? Daddy's credit card? We're the big man on campus tonight, aren't we?_ "What is this?" He looked at the card. "A _black_ American Express card? You really are clueless. What's this made out of, an empty soda can?" _Where'd he get this, at a joke shop?_

_Oh SHIT!_ His buddies recognized the significance, and one ripped the card out of his hand and headed to the offices at a run. The other threw an elbow into Stan's ribs. "I think you'd better tone it down." He straightened his tie and squared his shoulders. "Would you like to test drive the car, sir?" he asked, becoming every bit the businessman.

Stan snorted. "You're going to let him into the car because of _that?_" He threw a thumb over his shoulder at the man disappearing into the back hall.

"Absolutely. Centurion card holders receive only the highest respect here at Olympic Ford. I'm Andrew, by the way." He held his hand out but I ignored it. He awkwardly waved toward my car. "This is the new 2006 Saleen S281 Extreme. It is equipped with the standard six speed manual transmission…"

"A Centurion card, right," Stan snorted. "You're what, eighteen, nineteen, kid? I don't think so."

_Shut up, Stan,_ Andrew thought. In the back, a copy of my credit report had just finished printing, and the sales manager was picking his jaw up off the floor. Maybe things would move a little faster now.

My attention returned to Andrew. "I'm quite familiar with the specs of the Saleen. Is this one equipped with Sirius?" That would explain the black bump on the trunk lid.

"Yes, it is, sir, we installed it yesterday."

Stan laughed, thinking that I must be pretty full of myself, but another man in a suit appeared behind him with my card. "I'm sorry for the impolite treatment, Mr. Nicholls. I'm Fred Hutchins, the Director of Sales. This is the car you're interested in?"

Stan looked at his boss. "You are not serious…" but Fred shut him up with a single finger. _Should I fire him in front of the customer or not?_

"Yes. I'm in a hurry and would like it gassed up and ready to go as soon as possible."

Fred grinned, knowing his secretary was madly typing in the back. "I've started the paperwork already, Mr. Nicholls. Would 45 minutes be too long? You are welcome to wait in my office unless you'd like to inspect the car further. It is in pristine condition, I assure you."

"Your office would be fine." I glanced at Stan, whose mouth was hanging open, and smirked. He would be joining the ranks of the unemployed in about thirty seconds.

"Right in here. Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, thank you."

The receptionist noted the fit of my slacks as I walked away. Andrew was hoping I'd mention his attentiveness.

"I'll be right back," the manager said as he backed out of the office and closed the door. Before going to the secretary to speed her work, he fired Stan, and gave the other two salesmen raises. The thoughts of the humans weren't enough to distract me, and when the receptionist started doodling on her message pad, her hand morphed in to Bella's in my mind, looping and swirling across the paper. Tomorrow Bella would be in class, drawing the same circles and diamonds, as bored as I would be with the mundane subjects. The urge to join her brought me to my feet.

I wrung my hands as I paced, trying to erase the memory of her warm skin against mine. _Remember how easily her papery skin is broken, how freely her delicious blood flows…_

James' face appeared, recalling how Bella's blood calls to every one of my kind. I savored the sound of his head being torn from his body, wishing that it'd been my hands that'd ended his existence, not Jasper's. All three of the nomads had longed for my love's blood…and I still owed Victoria for that. Her evil, crimson-eyed face smiled at me, obscuring the image of Bella.

As the clock on Fred's desk clicked off the excruciating seconds, I fought to keep Victoria's impending death at the forefront of my thoughts.

* * *

Thirty-eight minutes later, I was behind the wheel of my new vehicle. Fred offered to give me the tour, 'vehicle orientation' he called it, but I waved him off with a hundred dollar bill and drove away. I hit the freeway with my foot to the floor, and as the speedometer topped 150, I actually smiled. Speed was the last vice I would allow myself, and this machine didn't disappoint. Once out of the city I killed the headlights and pushed the car to its limits. At this rate I would reach Bighorn Canyon easily before dawn.

As I passed the occasional car I caught the driver's shock, assuming they even saw me fly by at well over twice their speed. _Slow down_ blinked through the mind of a semi driver, bringing back Bella's fears of riding with me.

"_He drives like a maniac." _Every thought, every action, came back to her, taunting me.

"_Don't_,_"_ she whispered in my mind, begging me to return. The gaping wound in my chest migrated to my back, as if talons were ripping at me, trying to pull be back to her. _No… I am stronger than that. She will be safe. Safe from Victoria._

My nerves calmed a little as I focused on the map I'd studied of the terrain surrounding Billings, but still Bella whispered to me. I had to find some way to drown her out, to stay centered on tracking, or I'd be crawling back to her within a week.

I looked at the radio, barely glowing in the dash, and ran through the list of stations in my mind. Music would bring her memory back to me even stronger, but was there something else I could listen too? Sports? Not at this time of night. Talk radio? No, that was an audio version of the drivel I heard from human minds all the time. Country/Western? Ug, too many songs about losing your girl. Then I found the listing that would be perfect. _Thank you, Emmett_.

I flipped on the radio, muting it as I scanned up to channel 43. Rap. I couldn't stand the sound, but as my brother had effectively demonstrated, it filled the extra space in my brain that Bella had been trying to occupy. It even made it difficult to concentrate on Victoria, but I wasn't constantly tempted to turn around and head west… back to my love.

_Victoria_… her crimson eyes floated in front of me as I raced down the dark, empty highway. I thought back to last spring, limiting myself to the one personal encounter I'd had with her.

Her thoughts had been devious and visceral; she had no use for others, save for her own entertainment. When she and James and Laurent had approached our baseball game, the sport was far from her idea of fun.

_What is the point of searching out a bunch of vampires? They have nothing to offer us. Surely none of them could rival James, _she'd thought. She lived for the chase, reveling in being both prey and predator in the games she played with her companions. James had been her measure for everything as she regarded us, once she'd gotten over the shock.

_Eight… in one place? A permanent settlement? What kind of vampires are these? And their eyes… No matter._ Her thoughts mirrored her companions' as she set her surprise aside and analyzed our strengths. _Males and females evenly balanced, mates no doubt. Perhaps there's some fun in that._ She immediately discounted all the women as fighters in her mind, assuming her experience would allow her to best any one of them.

She regarded Bella as the weakest among the women, even before learning of Bella's humanity. The fear in Bella's eyes had been so clear that night. The road blurred before me as her wide, timid eyes obstructed my vision momentarily. Then her eyelids closed, showing me that last moment…

"No, I won't go back!" I shouted at myself. Twenty-four hours hadn't passed. _Get a grip!_

The thumping on the radio changed, pulling me back to the present, and Victoria's thoughts returned. Her arrogance was her weakness, I decided, though she had a keen awareness of those around her. She had regarded each of the Cullen males carefully. Emmett's strength was obvious, as was Carlisle's leadership. _Look how they stand there, pretending that we are nothing to them,_ she thought derisively. _The tall blond, he is the true fighter. He stands tall, but his eyes and his scars say more than words. He is the dangerous one._

Finally she'd regarded me. _He and the weak one, they are together. No scars, but there is something about him. Wiry, possibly fast._ She reviewed the terrain they'd covered to get to our baseball field, marking an escape route in her mind, should it be necessary.

When the wind betrayed Bella's true, fragile nature, Victoria had become as ecstatic as James had, but I stopped listening to her at that point. Without a word from James, he'd known that she would follow the rest of my family while he followed Bella. They'd used this strategy before, James as the point of the spear, she as containment. He valued her as a hunter, and enjoyed watching her indulge in violence – almost as much as he coveted committing it himself.

How would that translate, now that she was alone? She'd easily scouted Forks; clearly she was capable of interacting in the human world without giving herself away. Would she continue to look for challenging kills or stick to the easy pickings? James had been the tracker; she bowed to him when they'd hunted. After seeing Alice's view of Victoria's next meal, the easy route seemed the likely one.

My own nomadic days came back in a rush as I tried to put myself in Victoria's place. Exposure was always an issue; but even in today's world disposable humans were easy to come by. Here in the wilderness, hunters and hikers would be her staple, but she wouldn't stay in one area for long. Would she remain in the north, possibly hunting around the fringes of the cities, or move to the south, and the more populace, poorer communities?

In my executioner days, I'd hunted around the large cities, preferring the north where I rarely ran into other immortals. The cities attracted the criminals, the ones I'd not only killed, but punished. Every one of my victims had earned his fate, but justifiable homicide is still murder. Bella deserved much better than me.

"_It doesn't matter…" _her memory chastised.

_Victoria_. Surely time would numb my memories of Bella... _Stop it…_

_Victoria. Hunting. Focus._

Victoria wouldn't be as picky with her victims as I'd been. The murder scene I would visit first was the site of a grisly killing, according to the reports. The hiker, a young man, had been badly beaten and mauled. Victoria had to disguise her feeding, but I knew that she relished the torture as much as the feast. Hopefully there was still a trace of her scent left so I could confirm my theory. If I could identify her hunting pattern, then she would be easy to track, and predict.

The body had been found near one of the campgrounds a week ago, but it hadn't rained or snowed, so there was a possibility of picking up a trace of Victoria. With only an hour until dawn, I couldn't dawdle.

Pulling into the campground, I parked just outside the cordoned off area. The main camping area was scheduled to reopen for the weekend, according to the notice posted at the gate. I detected no traces of blood, but nature was very efficient at cleaning up her leftovers. Following the trail that had undoubtedly been left by the human investigators I found the scene. There was no crime tape; there'd been no crime, at least to human eyes. A single yellow stake marked the victim's resting place in the center of a small ravine.

I tried to put myself in Victoria's place, finding the human, then toying with him, hurting him. Throwing him against a tree? I circled the stake, searching, then finding his hairs lodged in the bark of a cottonwood tree. Taking a deep breath, I smelled her faintly, her scent mixed with the victim's. Carefully I inspected the tree again, spying a single droplet of venom near the hairs. She must have taunted her prey, inciting even more fear in him before delivering the fatal strike.

My stomach clenched at the thought of such unrestrained violence. The victim had just been married, I'd read. He was not someone who deserved such a horrendous fate. She would pay for this crime, as well as her acts against Bella.

The anger kept me from delving into the past as made one more circle around the area. Her casual scent was gone; it'd only been the strength of her venom that left any trace at all. But I knew where she was headed, who she'd been hunting next. As I dashed back to my car, I also recognized that I wouldn't make it in time to save the helpless camper.

Thankfully a few broken clouds littered the sky to dull the sunrise. I was one of the few cars leaving the campground so early in the morning, but there was a sizeable line heading in. Had the sun been free to blaze down on me through my untinted windshield, I would have been a spectacle that few would've forgotten.

The cloud cover increased the further east I drove, freeing me from being trapped in my car until nightfall. This latest kill would be harder to find, though I had an idea where to start, based on Alice's vision… and Google Earth.

I spent the afternoon running across the bushy terrain, following the tributaries of the rivers, looking for the one that held a battered tent and a dead body. There were only a few humans in the vicinity, hunters, and I gave them a wide berth. As I wound my way around them, I heard a gut wrenching scream in the distance.

As miles flew under my feet, a new urgency filled me. I may be too late for the human, but Victoria could be waiting over the next rise…

_No, Glenda, no…_

I crested the hill and stopped. The thoughts came not from Victoria, but from a human man, the companion of the female hiker I'd seen murdered in Alice's vision. The air was silent but for his crying… my quarry had long since gone. As I searched the perimeter of their campsite I listened to the man's laments.

_Oh, Glenda, I'm so sorry. I should never have left you alone… Oh, God, why? She deserved to live, why didn't you take me? What will I do now… I should have stayed, I could have protected you… There is nothing left for me._

He had no idea what had taken his wife's life, had no idea that if he'd stayed he would be lying beside her dead. But his words ran like ice through my veins, feeding the pain in my heart.

_What if Bella gets hurt, now that I'm gone? What if I could save her? She's so fragile…_

"What if I killed her?" I growled to myself, remembering her blood on my lips. The concept seemed impossible—I loved her so much—but I remembered my first reaction when she'd cut her finger. It wasn't to save, it was to attack. I was just as much a monster as Victoria—worse because I disguised my predatory side so well.

_Victoria. Focus on the hunt._ How I wished I could find the nomad – killing her would be like killing the worst part of me. I let the animal in me loose, her scent guiding me like a beacon. Only hours had passed since she'd been here, she couldn't be far. My feet sped me through the trees, leading me to the place where I could release all the hatred I held for myself.

The space between the trees widened, and Victoria's scent faded. She'd followed a straight line out of the forest, avoiding much of the leafy foliage that caught her aroma as she passed through. I got one last strong whiff as I followed her path through an isolated patch of young maples. The murmurs of a far away human mind broke into my concentration.

The sound of his radio echoed in his thoughts.

"…_at the south end of Twentymile Creek, just east of the NRA border. Coroner en route."_

"_Tango romeo five niner roger. ETA eight minutes,"_ the human replied as the sun broke through the clouds.

Sliding to a stop, I left a trench in the hardened earth before skidding back into the cover of the last trees. The mind I'd heard was a pilot, and he was heading this way. Reflexively I looked up, scanning the sky for the chopper.

"_What was that?"_ said the copilot, and I knew he'd seen me.

"_I don't know, a flash of something. It's on the way, keep your eyes peeled."_

_Dammit_. I buried myself in the group of saplings, scolding myself for being so careless. Both men scanned the ground below them as they flew over, but saw nothing. The pilot's thoughts turned to their mission, to check out Victoria's last kill. _"Mark this location on the GPS, we'll come back after we scout the scene of the DB."_

The helicopter turned in the direction I'd just come from, and I surveyed my situation.

To many, the sight would be spectacular. Ahead of me was literally nothing. No trees, very little grass, just flat, barren land, bathed in bright sunshine all the way to the horizon. For me it was only an unremarkable end of the trail, and a stark reminder of the emptiness of my existence.

It'd been cloudy when Victoria had crossed this area, so nothing stopped her from continuing on. Now that the sun had come out, the barren, scentless land before of me may as well have been an impenetrable wall.

My eyes criss-crossed the brown earth, searching for some trace, some flash or glint that would show me where she was, but there was nothing. Nothing but brown.

"_Brown is warm,"_ Bella said in my mind.

Clenching my fists as if I could physically punch back the memory, I followed my own scent back into the forest, carefully darting from tree to tree. Once the branches masked the sunshine, I veered north, giving the search and rescue helicopter and the approaching ground personnel plenty of space.

Victoria would live another day. My hunt would not be as easy as I'd predicted, but at least it would occupy me for a little while longer. Without Alice's visions to help me, I had reading and research ahead of me, providing more distraction…I hoped.

As I ran back to the car, the man's grief echoed in my head. Though I tried to push his sobs away, they persisted, growing louder, twisting and changing in my mind. The sound became my own grief as I imagined myself crying over Bella's lifeless body, but my hypothetical sorrow was overshadowed by guilt. Seeing the bright red crescent at her jugular, knowing _I _was the one who'd taken her life, I became both murderer and victim in one fell swoop.

Tearing out of the parking lot, I took out my frustration with my monstrous existence on the road. In the end it didn't matter; I'd never be that close to Bella again. I wove in and out of traffic, trying to outrun the awful truth. Bella would live a long, happy life, and then pass on to an eternity of paradise, without any further interference from me. I would never experience her warmth again, hear her laugh, see her blush, ever again. I deserved nothing less.

I only prayed that there would be an end for me as well. Ashes to ashes, after all...


	10. Trick or Treat

_Author's notes:_

_Thanks to all of you who've read and reviewed... our journey through the blank pages in NM continues..._

_I know you're all waiting until Edward heads to Italy, and I thank you for your patience. Hopefully the wait (painful though it is) will be worth it! But as hard as it is for you, it's many, many times more difficult for Edward. (It's not particularly fun for me, either...)_

_Alice returns to speak for you all again in this chapter..._

_Thanks to my wonderful betas NoMoreThanUsual and Roo - poor Marcy was sick! So glad you're doing better, my dear!_

_As far as a song for this chapter, I have to go with Sarah McLachlan's "Angel":_

_Spend all your time waiting  
For that second chance  
For a break that would make it okay  
There's always one reason  
To feel not good enough  
And it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
Oh beautiful release  
Memory seeps from my veins  
Let me be empty  
And weightless and maybe  
Ill find some peace tonight_

_

* * *

  
_

**Trick or Treat**

Victoria was getting careless. She didn't even bother to try and disguise the body this time – leaving it in a roadside ditch where the police easily found it. I knew she'd been in town less than a week, but had killed already. Pickings in the wild had gotten slim when the cold weather had taken hold and driven the hikers and hunters back to their warm homes, so she'd changed tactics. She'd led me to the city, her new choice of prey particularly disturbing.

"How many nights will you be with us in Hamel, Mr. Randall?" the night clerk said as the clock on the wall chimed four times. Her eyebrows rose, inspecting me, wondering why I would be checking in at this ungodly hour.

"Until tomorrow morning," I said, picking up the pen chained to the counter. Next to me sat a stack of the latest edition of the Star Tribune. The headline announced the latest in a string of murders the Twin Cities had experienced over the last month. So, Victoria was more cunning than I thought, masquerading her kill as one of those committed by the serial killer.

Victoria's head would roll… soon. She couldn't hide in a city as big as Minneapolis for long, and the human world was much more my home than hers. Her last meal had been a small one, a child, so she would be hunting again, probably at sundown. That gave me one day to prepare. We would both lay low on this bright, sunny day, then I would finally end this.

The mousy woman across the counter smiled sweetly, waiting for me to complete the check-in form. "Are you here for business or pleasure?"

_Becky_, her nametag read. Her eyes and her thoughts started to wander down from my face, and I hastily handed her the paper. The rude thoughts that rattled through her mind made me appreciate the silence of the wilderness.

"Business," I said sternly, capturing her eyes with my own. As I stared my throat warmed, and the monster in me quickly ticked off twenty ways to end this vulnerable human's life. The effect was _not_ dazzling.

Her lust turned to fear in an instant as she remembered the vague description of the serial killer and compared it to me. _Tall, young, dark hair._ _His eyes are so black…so empty… so cold…God, where is Bob? Should I call the police? _

I tried to soften my gaze. "I'm consulting at Polaris, just up the road."

Becky didn't buy my story, and her flight reflex took over. When she calculated her chances of escaping, her heart picked up speed again, seeing the odds were not in her favor. "Th-that's great," she stammered, sliding my key across the imitation marble. She immediately backed away, reached for the phone, and pressed a single speed-dial button. Without waiting for an answer, she began speaking overly loudly. "Butch, sorry to interrupt your workout. I'm ready for you to mop the lobby…" Her eyes darted back to mine furtively, as she mentally searched me for weapons.

On the other end of the phone a computer's voice informed her that she had no new voicemail messages. "Fine, see you in two minutes," she said, speaking to the machine as if it were a person. Her charade would have worked on another human, but I knew there was no one hearing her conversation but me.

With my key in hand I had no further interest in her, and she was more than relieved to see me stalk away. Her brush with the immortal world was swift and painless. Becky didn't know how lucky she was. I might be scary, but Victoria was deadly.

"_What do you mean by scary?"_ Bella's voice said naively as I walked down the hall to my room, drowning out the cheesy music drifting through the roadside motel. The rest of the building was quiet, most minds slept dreamlessly, and the others couldn't compete with my recollection of her words. And the memories were returning stronger every day.

My own remembered voice intruded on hers. _"Don't I scare you?"_

"_No more than usual."_

Gritting my teeth I got to my room and went straight to the TV, trying to find something to mask the sound of my traitorous thoughts. A rap video appeared, and I turned it up. The revolting sound worked better than I could have hoped. Now, if I could just keep from closing my eyes.

My thoughts grudgingly returned to tonight's list of activities. That was what my life had been reduced to, a list. The longer the list, the better; each task leading to the next, like a setting up a row of dominoes. I had to will each one into place, force my mind to focus on each ivory rectangle, minimizing the opportunities for my thoughts to wander back to that rainy corner of the world where my heart resided. Unfortunately, I knew that one day the dominoes would fall, leaving nothing to keep me from her. My greatest fear was that some day I would succumb, running back to her, dooming her. _But not today._ At least that's what I told myself for the thousandth time.

I set my satchel and shopping bag on the bed and another domino was set into place. No, I was strong enough to stay away. She deserved a normal, human life, the one thing I could still give her. Before my mind conjured her again I returned to my list. _Next task_, I commanded.

Today had more dominoes than usual… time to restock, recharge, and clean up. Pretend to be human for a few hours. Weeks in the forest had left me unkempt, and though I didn't care, interacting in the bustle of a large city demanded a certain level of civility_. I may be a monster, but I'm not an animal._

As I ripped the tags off the new clothes, a new face appeared in my mind. Alice would've spent much more time and effort shopping for the shirts and jeans I'd purchased, but she would've been much more upset to see the filthy clothes I was discarding. I wondered how she was, my favorite sister. I wondered if she'd forgiven me. _I doubt it._

The other point of this exercise was to recharge my batteries, though in a much more literal sense than what was plastered on the brochure next to my bed. Electricity, clothes, and if I had the courage, a phone call were the reasons I'd wandered into town. The clerk's fear had reminded me of another task I needed to attend to when my brief stopover in civilization was complete – I needed to hunt.

I dug through my leather bag and found my cell phone and new laptop. The latter had become a necessity when I'd been unable to get close enough to Victoria to sample her thoughts or define her patterns. After losing her scent on more than one occasion, I'd had to resort to searching the Internet for mysterious killings and maps to find them. After two weeks of nothing, I'd finally caught her scent around the latest victim here.

But first things first. I connected my phone to the charger and plugged it in next to the bed. The small silver device sat on the bedside table, waiting for me to make the call I'd been dreading. Carlisle wouldn't wait much longer, though. The laptop got plugged in next, before I meticulously folded and packed the extra set of new clothes I'd bought. The phone seemed to grow larger as I dawdled.

I'd ignored Carlisle's last two calls, knowing he would leave a message if there was an emergency, but my voicemail remained empty. He could only want one thing, then. For me to fulfill my promise to check in. I owed it to him to keep in touch; I owed it to Esme.

Shower or call first? Like the coward I was, I picked up the set of clean clothes and headed for the bathroom. The call would wait a few more minutes. Guilt washed over me along with the hot water as a different face appeared next to Bella's in my imagination. My mother's soft features frowned back at me as I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair. So much distress I'd caused…

The shower was only a short delay, and too soon I stood in front of the mirror, toweling off my hair. When it was wet it was a darker brown, and I focused on my eyes before I could compare the color to anyone else's. My irises were so dark I couldn't discern my pupils. Yes, I definitely needed to hunt.

I regarded the face in the mirror, noting with a sigh how different I looked. Removing the layer of grime and filth that came with living a nomadic existence couldn't erase the lifelessness that stared back at me.

"_I've seen corpses with better color."_ It was my voice narrating Bella's pale, nauseated image from my past life.

I'd returned to my true state, a predator with only lures and hooks. The beauty had faded, the dazzle had fled. Was this how I'd looked that first, murderous day, contemplating the multitude of ways I could end Bella's life? What could have drawn her to me, a hideous monster, so obviously dangerous? "Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds," I quoted to myself.

I remembered the photos I'd secreted in her room; how the Edward that was hers seemed to glow with adoration. She'd seen through the deathly image hunched and brooding before me, and had impressed her light on me. _That's what it was,_ I realized. Just like the sun lit my hard, statue's skin into a rainbow of colors, the richness of her spirit, _her soul_, was reflected in me as well. Her absence left nothing but a cold, empty vessel – a mirror in a darkened room. No, that wasn't quite accurate. I was hardly a passive looking-glass hanging silently in a dusty frame.

A killer's eyes bore into mine, the black circles and hollowed cheeks exuding the vacant, soulless evil that I embodied. I swallowed the trickle of venom on my tongue, reminding myself that I would have to kill again tonight, even if it would just be a helpless animal that fell victim to me.

The burn in my throat didn't flare at the prospect, but remained a dull ache, easily ignored these days. The pain I felt every time I closed my eyes eclipsed the thirst, for with each blink she was there, begging me to come back. Her eyes… her hair… her hands reaching out on that last day… _Stop it_.

_Victoria_… I had to keep my strength up if I was to finish the cunning vampire. The full moon hanging outside my window highlighted my negligence… it'd been a waxing quarter when I hunted last… three weeks ago.

My own words haunted me again. "_There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand…"_

No, I couldn't let myself dwell on Bella, and tossed the towel aside. The bottomless pit that lived where my heart used to be stretched wide, threatening to pull me into its black depths. I threw the towel aside and turned away.

_Next task: the call._ I was here for a reason, not to reminisce.

Once dressed, I took a deep, useless breath, then picked up my cell phone. It rang only once.

"Edward, it's about time," Alice said, and my hand trembled. She was not who I'd been trying to reach. Why did she have Carlisle's phone?

"Where's Carlisle?" Had something happened?

"He's here, don't worry, but I wanted a word first. Are you ready to go back yet?" I pinched my eyes shut, only to see Bella laughing freely in my mind.

"Let me speak to Carlisle, Alice. I have nothing to say to you." If I didn't hear Carlisle's voice in five seconds I was hanging up. She would tell them I was all right.

"Bella is still hurting, you know." I cringed at the sound of my love's name. "She can't live without you any more than you can live without her. You're pushing her to the edge, Edward. She may just jump." Her voice was dark.

I knew Bella – she would never do anything so drastic. No, she had her father and would do anything for him. "Bella…" her name broke in my throat. "Bella promised. She will take care of herself for Charlie."

"Maybe you should just check on her, to make sure."

Damn her. She'd been watching me again… seeing the temptation to do just that cross my path every day. If I went back I wouldn't be able to leave again—I knew that—and so did Alice. She was ruthless.

The knowing tone of her voice made me suspicious. "Alice, if you went back, so help me I'll…"

"No, I haven't," she sneered, "But my bags are packed. I'll be right behind you when you give in. You aren't that strong."

"_I'm betting on Alice,"_ Bella's memory murmured.

Grimacing, I scolded my sister and myself. "Stop keeping tabs on me. You aren't supposed to be watching." A montage of Bella's bloody past flashed through my mind, stoking the fire in my throat. The sensation disgusted me and empowered me at the same time. I couldn't go back. She had to be safe.

"This is all wrong, Edward. You're going back—the longer you wait the more pain you inflict on us all. You're not the only one suffering, you know."

Of course I knew, why did she think I was calling? The _only_ reason was to give Carlisle and Esme a little peace of mind.

Her five seconds were up. "Are you going to let me talk to Carlisle, or not?" I snapped as I slid my thumb over the 'End' button.

She didn't speak into the phone again. "He wants to talk to _you_," she said.

"Edward," Carlisle said, and the pain twisted in my chest. His voice was even, almost warm, but I could hear the concern lurking behind the façade.

I returned the greeting with the same false lightness. "Hello Carlisle. I just wanted to let you know that I'm all right," I lied. At least I could keep this promise…the promise to keep in contact with him.

"Are you coming home? Your mother is very worried about you." The pretenses fell with a nearly audible crash, the sadness in his voice tearing at my conscience.

"No, I have a fresh lead, but since I had a moment, I thought I'd check in."

"Thank you." He couldn't contain his disappointed sigh. "Where are you? We could meet you, just for the afternoon. Esme misses you terribly."

In the silence I heard his hope, and it only added to the ache. "Maybe, but Victoria is exceptionally mobile. She doesn't stay in one place for long." I should just say no, but I knew that it was Esme who'd really made this request. Crushing her hopes was too brutal. "I'll call you if an opportunity arises." The silence continued, and I steeled myself for the next question. "How is Mom?"

Carlisle shifted; papers rustled in the background. "She is… coping. Rosalie and Emmett decided on a small wedding for a change, if you can believe that." I could see the smile that had to be cracking his lips. "We all went to Niagara and got soaked as they said their vows in the spray of the Falls." The sound of his smile faded. "Jasper stood in for you."

Another stab—I'd been Emmett's best man in each of his and Rosalie's many weddings. "Good, it's about time he started shouldering some of the matrimonial burdens," I said casually.

He cleared his throat unnecessarily. "Ahem, yes. He's out hunting with Esme now."

My fingers found the bridge of my nose. Esme wasn't coping very well; neither was Carlisle if Jasper had to have a one-on-one session to calm my mother. I continued on, though. "Please give Rose and Em my congratulations."

"I will, when they call. They chose to honeymoon in Europe this time, Paris I think." All emotion vacated his voice. No wonder Esme was so upset; I wasn't the only one who'd abandoned her.

Carlisle didn't give up. "Edward, please, this hunt is…"

"Very necessary," I finished. I couldn't go home, my presence would only add to Esme's sorrow. "Victoria is an unscrupulous savage and has to be stopped. If you'd seen her latest victim, you would agree. He was _twelve_, Carlisle, still dressed in his Halloween costume." I'd seen the body through the minds of the investigators on the scene, the few who could stomach the sight, then traced her scent back to the quiet neighborhood where she'd stolen the boy as he trick-or-treated before I realized I'd been following the wrong trail.

The silence lasted longer than I would've expected. "Then let me help you. Together we could stop her, and you'd be free to come home."

I couldn't read his thoughts, but his tone was clear. He had switched camps and was batting for team Alice. The betrayal stung, but I couldn't muster any anger, not while he worked to pick up the pieces of the mess _I'd_ made. "No. Esme needs you more than I do. Victoria is alone, I can handle her."

Carlisle swallowed out of habit. "Edward, I think you should reevaluate your situation… and your decision."

Again I ignored him, at least the authority he tried to impress on me. "No. The decision is made. Nothing has changed." The conversation was over. "I'll call you again when I get the chance. Give my love to Esme and the family," I muttered, wishing I could turn back the clock for my family and give them the happiness they'd had a year ago. They didn't deserve to suffer for my mistakes.

He blew out a useless breath, defeated. "Very well. Be safe, son. We love you," he said sadly.

The memory his words evoked caught me by surprise.

_A wrinkled piece of paper lay on the desk next to a sleeping Bella. I'd carefully unfolded the tiny square, noting how the creases were tattered and on the verge of tearing. How many times had she read the two simple words that stared up at me?_ Be safe.

"_Be safe,"_ Bella had murmured in her dreams - and now repeated in my head. _"For Edward."_

I closed the phone, the sight of Bella's tangled hair and sleepy smile lingering in my unfocused vision.

"Please be safe," I whispered, unable to say her name.

_Maybe you should just check on her._ Alice's words echoed in my mind, and I nearly crushed the phone, trying to force my thoughts back to the present. I picked up the laptop, intending to search for more crime in Minneapolis, but my fingers didn't obey. The domino in my mind tipped…

_Just a quick visit._ Before I knew it, I was staring at a map with a blue line drawn from Hamel to Forks. 1,790 miles… I could catch an early flight and be back before Charlie returned from fishing. _No, no, no._

The computer fell from my hands. Before it hit the polyester bedspread I'd curled up in the corner, my knees pulled up tight to my chest. The dominoes in my mind tumbled down, each knocking over the next, falling with a soft, imagined thump that resembled a human heartbeat. _Her_ heartbeat. It was all I could do to stop myself from running out the door.

Alice had emphasized that Bella was suffering—had she seen something? Was Bella in the hospital yet again?

No, my sister was just baiting me with vague innuendo… She wanted an excuse to go back herself. Bella was safe – safe from me – with a life free of mythical killers and immortal demons. I couldn't go back. And I'd promised…was my word worth nothing?

My fingers slid through my hair before tightening into fists. I'd made another mistake – taking a break from tracking was an idiotic idea. Without the need to concentrate on the scent, the clues, my mind went straight to the one place it was barred: straight to Bella.

As my forehead hit my knees, my heart took up where Alice left off, egging me back to my longing…my love…my life…

"_I didn't like it. Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too,"_ Bella said softly, blushing behind my eyelids.

I fell deeper into the despair I'd been avoiding. Space seemed to close in on me as she called to me, holding her arms wide. In my mind her heat swirled around me, mixing with her scent. The sensation was so real that when I opened my eyes I expected the room to be filled with freesia and flames.

It was the keys in my pocket that burned, calling to me. It would be so easy… I imagined myself standing in front of her house, climbing through the window and finding her asleep, like I had so many times before. So peaceful, so fragile… but _no!_ I hurled the keys across the room, embedding them in the drywall above the headboard.

_A fine demonstration…_ It was her peace, her beautiful, delicate fragility that had to keep me away. The only thing I could bring her was pain, death, or worse, damnation.

_Bella is still hurting…_ Alice's voice intruded again. The thought of Bella crying because of me drew my eyes up to the door. I hugged my legs tighter, keeping them from betraying me. She would live and move on. In fact, Bella probably already had—Alice was a more accomplished liar than I was. That was it... Alice could've seen Bella burning her tongue on a Pop Tart, nothing more, and exaggerated the story for my benefit.

Slowly I rocked, out of sync with the rap music on the TV, trying to pull myself back from the brink of temptation. It wasn't until the sun set twelve hours later that I stood, grabbed my things and left at a run. The motel was filling up for the evening, and I escaped my self-imposed prison before the thoughts of the happy, the busy, and the lively could overwhelm me.

_Check out. Feed. Then scout Victoria's most probable hunting grounds._ My latest list formed easily. A new stack of dominoes accompanied it, and I started over, pretending that mine was a life worth living.

I dropped the room key in the check out box, setting up the first domino in my mind before glimpsing the date on the top of the lone remaining newspaper. The irony took my breath away.

Today was November second, _Día de los Muertos_

Day of the Dead.

* * *

_End Notes:_

_Sorry, I know Edward was in the shower, and we'd all love to stay there with him, but that's not what this story's about ;-(_

_For a sexier shower scene, check out my other story, Spontaneous Combustion. A little diversion sounds pretty good, right about now._

_And you get ten points if you can name the author of the 'I am become death' quote without using Google. (I had to look it up, too... 8-)_


	11. Black Friday

_Author's Notes:_

_Welcome to 2009! I hope you all had a great holiday! I did, and thank you for all the reviews. I know I haven't responded to you all, and I apologize - but I've read them all, and really appreciate the feedback! I was hoping that this story might get nominated for the next round of The Twilight Awards, so if you'd like to nominate me (or any of your favorite stories), the website is: www dot twilightawards dot this-paradise dot com_

_Also, this story will be discussed next week (the second week in January) on the Temptation podcast, episode three, I believe. Check it out at temptationtwilight dot blogspot dot com - I'm very honored that they picked DSOM to talk about!_

_So Edward continues to hunt for the elusive Victoria. I'll warn you here that she gets her hands dirty in this chapter. It's still PG-13, though, so hopefully it's not too gory. I'm sure that most of you know where the title comes from, but for those who don't: The Friday after Thanksgiving (in the US) is called 'Black Friday' because of all the money retail businesses make that day. It puts them into the black (makes them profitable)._

_Since Edward was in Canada, I also included a shout out to a few of my readers from the Great White North. I know I didn't catch all of you, but I appreciate all the support! And GO SHARKS!_

_Finally, mood music…_

"_Nobody's Hero" by Rush (of course)  
But he's nobody's hero  
Not the handsome actor that plays the hero's role  
Not the glamour girl who wants to sell her soul_

_As the years went by, we drifted apart  
When I heard that she was gone  
I felt a shadow cross my heart_

_and OAR's "Shattered"  
How many times can I break till I shatter?  
Over the line can't define what I'm after  
I always turn the car around._

_

* * *

  
_

**Black Friday**

The snow blew off the windshield as I drove through the busy streets of Toronto. The traffic was heavier than I'd expected it to be this late on a Friday; apparently few Canadians were interested in hitting the post-Thanksgiving sales south of the border.

"Let's share a cab home, Meredith," a woman on the street said to her friend. _The busses aren't safe, _she thought. The two bundled women waited at the corner, held up by the same stop light that hindered me. The only pedestrians out in the chilly night, their words mingled with the low hum of the traffic.

"Sounds good," Meredith said, her eyes trailing over my car. _Too bad _he's_ not going my way._ "Check out that one."

They both moved toward the curb so they could peek in through the untinted windshield at me. I turned my face toward the opposite corner, willing the light to change. Trapped in the line of waiting cars, I couldn't escape their gaze.

_Look at that profile,_ Meredith thought, wishing she could touch my face. Other fingers had traced my features, and my cheek burned at the memory.

"_Don't move,"_ Bella whispered, the quiet beat of her pulse accompanying her words.

The other woman on the curb spoke, interrupting the dangerous memory. "He's a little young, but holy smokes." _Now that's a present we all could use._ Her simplistic mind shifted gears. "Darn, I still need to figure out gifts for the other directors, Janna, Barb, Sherry and Camille."

Meredith didn't acknowledge the comment at first._ Turn this way, tiger, let me see those peepers._ "We could head to Buffalo and hit the Galleria – they might have something," she said as the signal finally changed. "If only we could find someone… I mean _something_ that nice here in town." She leaned over to check out my temporary license tags. _American, of course,_ she thought wistfully.

I gave in and glared at the women as I pulled away, and was rewarded with their gasps.

_So sad,_ one thought.

_Such dark eyes, pure loneliness,_ the other added.

Pity? These women took one look at me and felt pity? They had no idea… they were like children who thought the bears at the zoo were cute, not knowing that the vicious animals could run down, dismember, and consume a person in a matter of minutes. It would only take me seconds to dispatch the women, far less time than the traffic light had afforded me.

My constant reminder chimed in. _"You're always crabbier when your eyes are black,"_ Bella said nonchalantly.

As I parked, I realized that my appearance must have darkened even more. The women had felt no fear, had seen only the loss that I suffered. Piece by piece I was fading away. Without Bella I was nothing, and apparently I now looked the part.

She argued, of course. _"I did mention you looked very nice,"_ she said, following up with a sleepy _"So beautiful."_

I shook my head, denying her claim as I exited the car. I took a deep breath, sampling the cold night air, then leapt to the top of the closest building. Crossing the rooftops to the north, I tried futilely to bury my pain, lock it away, leaving only fury and determination behind. I _needed_ my monster, needed the hatred if I were to face and kill Victoria. And tonight, I had the best chance of doing just that.

After weeks of chaotic hunting, Victoria had finally fallen into a pattern. She'd taken to lurking the darker fringes of major cities, making the homeless, the penniless, and the friendless her staples. After her young victim in Minneapolis, she'd feasted in the outskirts of Chicago, then headed further east, crossing over the border to feed in Windsor, Canada. The next logical stop was here, Toronto.

Her last victims had also been similar: young prostitutes. The first had been with a customer, and both had fallen prey to Victoria's thirst. The second was alone, but met the same violent end. The unfortunate humans had suffered broken limbs, ribs, and in the case of the man, a fractured skull. As much as I would've liked to inflict the same injuries on her, Victoria was slated for a quick end. She wouldn't get the chance to escape me or the flame that would reduce her to nothing but ash.

I had to give Victoria credit – she was more meticulous with her leftovers than I'd assumed. Nearly all her victims had been left in some kind of moving water, easily explaining the lack of blood in the bodies. The others had been left in the wilderness where nature was blamed for erasing any remnants of the life-giving liquid. Not one of her kills had any immortal suspicions connected to it, though many different human suspects had been questioned, and in one case, arrested.

Cleaning up Victoria's messes had never been my intention; it was just curiosity that drove me to look into the results of her appetite. In the case of the arrest, though, I took the time to sit outside the Minneapolis police station until I found the investigating officer's mind. Why I did it, I still couldn't say. But I waited for hours, sitting in my car in a dark corner of the parking garage, listening to the wonderings and thoughts in the police station.

Amazingly, my phantom Bella had remained mostly silent, knowing, but not saying, why I'd needed to do this strange thing. _"Should I say 'have fun,' or is that the wrong sentiment?"_ she'd asked, staring at me from across an infinitely wide cafeteria table when I'd blinked.

I couldn't help but grin, just as I had the day the words had been uttered. "No, 'have fun' works as well as anything," I repeated to myself.

"_Have fun, then,"_ and though her image remained, she didn't speak again.

As if I'd walked into the building, I started with the mind of information officer at the front desk.

An amenable fellow, he calmly directed the worried, the troubled, and the ignorant to their destinations. Several calls came in about the arrest, and I learned the lead investigator's shift started at noon, only minutes away.

Toting a brief case, the cop I'd been waiting for arrived through the same doors as all the other traffic. The desk officer greeted him with a handshake, congratulating him on taking another killer off the streets. After exchanging a few pleasantries, the detective settled in for the day, and I sat a little straighter in my darkened car. The murder topped his case load and his first priority was to question the suspect again. He phoned the jail, located behind the police headquarters, and ordered the suspect to be placed in one of the interrogation rooms.

Finding a single guilty mind in a multi-story jail was a nearly impossible task, but by staying 'tuned in' to the cop's thoughts, I mentally followed him across the street and into the building seething with vileness. Very few other thoughts entered my escort's head; he was intent on seeing this suspect incarcerated. As he entered the tiny, bland room, he had no doubt that the man opposite him was guilty, but the evidence was thin. The cop needed a confession, and resisted the urge to beat it out of the suspect.

As he considered his line of questioning, I switched channels to the man in orange seated across the table. The criminal's thoughts were smug. _You can't pin this on me, I didn't do it._

The inquisition started simply, "Where were you at…" and "Who saw you there…" The suspect _was_ innocent, of course, of the murder he'd been arrested for, but as the conversation progressed, I learned what I'd hoped to be true.

"Fine," the cop continued, setting up the criminal. "Maybe you didn't kill David Reynolds, but what about Missy Wilson?" He tossed a new photo on the table.

The inmate stared at the picture of the young girl splayed out on a different grassy shoulder, and his innocence vanished, replaced by a practiced mask I recognized. Carefully the killer hid his satisfaction from the interrogator, but I saw it all. As he denied this second crime, my stomach knotted, watching him relive the last moments of the young girl's life, hearing him berate her, becoming aroused at her fear, and finding supreme bliss as he stabbed her to death.

His mask wasn't good enough, though, and I started the car. The cop saw enough to sense the truth, pressing the suspect even harder about Victoria's victim. By the time I drove away the felon couldn't contain himself any longer and had cracked, admitting to the girl's murder, and others, but had steadfastly refused to confess to Victoria's victim. No, only the guilty would be convicted of her crime, and I'd left, curiously satisfied.

Victoria's other victims remained unsolved cases, but as they'd not been part of mainstream society, their loss was not missed. I leapt down to the sidewalk and approached my destination, the thoughts rushing past me now like a wild Canadian river. These humans were equally as disposable, at least in the eyes of some. It didn't take much research to find this shady side of Toronto, I'd only had to rundown the murder statistics to find the neighborhood known only by the intersection I circled, Jane and Finch.

High-rise condominiums dominated the landscape around the intersection, housing thousands of possible meals for Victoria. She wouldn't hunt in the buildings, I was sure. Her consistently sadistic method of satiating her thirst precluded this area. With so many possible witnesses just feet away, she would have to kill quickly and quietly, two things I had yet to see.

As I searched, I became the hunter, opening my senses and quieting my mind. I couldn't give myself over completely to my feral side; I, too, had to be wary of witnesses. When tracking in the natural expanse of the wilderness, I'd been limited by very little. Here, eyes watched at every turn, and I couldn't afford to lose any kind of control. Though I ignored my fiery thirst, the monster in me still waited for its chance to resurface. And this venue was too similar to those I'd used as hunting grounds so long ago.

Ever present, Bella asked, _"Is that something I might get to see?"_

Now, as then, I replied, "Absolutely not!" and begged my Bella to let me complete this violent task uninterrupted.

"_Later, then,"_ she whispered.

I expanded the circle, keeping the skyscrapers as the center, listening, watching, and smelling. At last I caught her sweet scent, recently deposited after the day's snow fall. My hatred kept all other thoughts at bay, save one. _Victoria was close._

She'd walked down this street against the buildings. To the left, the condos rose, but to the right sat a small strip mall with a mini-mart and a smoke shop, and it was in that direction I walked.

A group of men congregated at the door of Mo's Smokes, directly in the path created by Victoria's scent, forcing me to work my way around. I'd picked up a fainter trail to the north when the group's conversation piqued my interest.

"You should have seen her, man, she was hot. Blazing hair, and the wildest red contacts." In his mind, the young black man pictured the vampire I searched for.

"No way, you're full of it."

"No, really. She was standing right where you are." The speaker checked his watch. "I've got to get going if I'm going to catch her."

"Where you meeting her?" Another asked not believing a word of the story.

"Tim's, over by Fountainhead Park." He pictured Victoria sauntering down the street to the west. The image blurred; the human was not completely sober.

Torn, I decided to check out his story and continued to loop around the group silently, finding a much stronger trail in the direction the man had indicated.

"You think she'd mind if you brought a friend?" The new speaker's intentions were far from honorable and my teeth snapped together. He was an experienced sex offender, and I considered letting Victoria have him before I closed in on her.

"Nah, Daryl, come on. It'll be a blast." He compared his physical attributes to the criminal's, and decided he would be more to Victoria's liking in any case. The two men split from the group and headed toward me.

Sinking into the shadows, I stood undetected as the men passed me. I cast a wide net with my mind, picking through the mental voices I heard, searching for the high-pitch of Victoria, but finding nothing remotely close. The exercise took longer than I planned; the two men were a couple of blocks away by the time my attention returned to them.

"There she is. Hey, baby, it's me!" the drunk called. I looked through his eyes and saw a woman with flaming red hair in a long fur coat walking ahead of him. The fur coat I recognized, it'd belonged to Victoria's last victim according to the subsequent news reports. There was something off about her hair, though, the color was a shade darker than what I remembered, and curlier. And I still didn't hear Victoria's thoughts.

I caught up with the men just as the woman's thoughts rose out of the mental clamor.

_What does he want?_ She turned, revealing her dark chocolate skin, and I knew I'd been tricked.

"Who are you?" the tipsy human asked, quickly sizing up the woman.

Daryl, the predator, didn't care who she was. "Nice coat." He imagined taking her on the fur, holding her down while she struggled in his grasp.

"Thanks. It was a gift." The woman, a hooker, smirked; remembering how she'd seen Victoria drop it at the corner of the building a block away, then disappear.

This was a setup, a false trail. But why? Did Victoria know I'd caught up to her, or was she trying to throw off the human authorities? The other scent, barely detectable…that had to be her true path. She must be running, having left the red herring…

The scream interrupted my musings.

"Get her back there," the sober man said, his excitement barely contained. _Scream again, baby,_ he thought.

"Here, take my purse," she begged, dropping it. Her mind filled with wordless fear, seeing the flash of a knife in Daryl's hand. She didn't have time to scream again before the two men pushed her behind a nearby building.

I stayed where I was, telling myself I was only planning my next course. My attention stayed on the trio, though.

Once out of sight of the street, the drunk lost interest in the prostitute and picked up her handbag instead. He slouched down next to a dumpster, content to go through its contents while his companion toyed with the woman, delighting in her terror.

"I'm a sucker for red-heads," Daryl whispered in her ear.

I shouldn't get involved – this is a human crime. A phone booth across the street caught my eye. One quick call to 911 would send the mortal help the woman needed.

Another scream echoed in the quiet darkness._ What if she's someone else's Bella,_ my past chided. Instead of bringing pain, the memory fueled the monster in me. The executioner…but this was not my fight. My path lay behind, slowly getting obscured by the falling snow.

The woman felt Daryl's grasp loosen, and she considered running away. She discarded the idea, unable to come up with a place to run to, and instead ticked off her attacker's vulnerabilities in her mind.

_Eyes, crotch, nose,_ she thought, and I froze. Everything was too familiar.

"_What were you thinking?"_ I'd asked, not expecting the answer I received.

Bella's voice was hard._ "I was going to smash his nose into his brain."_

Daryl waved the knife threateningly in front of the woman's face. It would take me less than a second to disarm him and bury the knife in his heart. Or to use it to filet his face. I needed five seconds to skin him alive. But this wasn't my concern – my vigilante days had long since ended. I turned away, trying to tune out what was happening behind the store before more memories came back.

In response, the thoughts seemed to get louder in my head. _You're not even going to try to run? _

"_I fall down a lot when I run," _Bella whimpered in my head.

Daryl's next words sealed his fate.

"You've got some fight in you, don't you? Hey, Randy, she's a brave one."

In that instant I was transported back to a different street in a different city, facing a different criminal who'd thought nearly the same thing: _Brave, this one. Maybe better, I guess…more fight in her._

"Stay away from me," the woman cried, mirroring Bella's words exactly.

I wasn't aware that I'd actually moved until Daryl's shoulder dislocated with a loud _POP_. Without thinking I'd leapt over the building, grabbed the knife and the hand holding it, and twisted it behind his back, separating his shoulder in the process.

He screamed, and I rejoiced in the sound. "You deserve to die a slow, painful death," I breathed in his ear, his racing heart bringing the venom surging to my lips.

"_Are you okay?"_ Bella's memory questioned with a scratchy voice. Just like so long ago, she calmed my temper just enough to stop the murderer in me.

Summoning every last vestige of humanity I could muster, I threw the demon toward the street rather than crushing his skull against the brick wall next to me. A woman's gasp reminded me I wasn't alone.

_My hands…_I stared at my white fingers, stunned by the heat that had leaked into them from the lowlife's skin. The sensation dissipated, but was replaced by physical pain in my digits. The last human I'd touched before him had been Bella.

As always, my throat burned, but instead of inciting the ravenous thirst, it only stoked my memories of Bella. None of these humans smelled remotely appetizing compared to her, but they reminded me of how I'd longed for her, for her blood. But the burn was good – the burn meant she was alive and human. My suffering insured her survival, as did my absence.

"Who… what are you?" The woman's wide black eyes were filled with a confused mixture of relief and horror. She ran through a list of comics she'd seen on her nephew's desk.

_I'm not a superhero._ "Go," I said coldly and stepped aside. Daryl had limped away, followed by his staggering companion.

She hurried past, stopping to scoop up the contents of her purse. With one eye on me, she shoved her possessions in the bag, her pockets, whereever she could to speed the process, pausing only for a second when she realized all her cash was gone.

"Here," I said, holding out a handful of bills. "There's a taxi coming, if you hurry you can catch it." The cabbie's off-key singing nearly overpowered his random thoughts.

Her confusion intensified as she snatched the money from my hand. "Um, thanks," she said, then took off at a run.

Alone again, it wasn't Bella that whispered to me, but Carlisle.

_So much compassion, so much control._ But even in my memory he provoked me. _She's very good for you, isn't she?_

"She's a hooker," I said, purposely misinterpreting my memory's meaning.

As if Carlisle were standing next to me, he continued. _You go back to Bella._

Frustrated by my own mind's taunting, I picked up the dumpster, easily the size of a small car, spun and flattened it against the side of the brick building. Trash and shards of clay exploded around me as I fought the urge to go find my love – on foot if need be.

Bella, my danger magnet, had experienced this exact situation – could she possibly be attracting even more deadly fiends to her door?

"_You're dangerous?"_ she reminded me. _"But not bad."_

Finally, a memory that helped. I _was_ the greatest danger to her, with the exception of Victoria. My quarry still waited, and she was dangerous _and_ bad. Victoria's false trail would have shaken a human tracker, but as I approached the vacant corner near the smoke shop, I had no trouble detecting her scent. She would die, soon.

Before my mind's Bella could ply me with more memories, I let the smell consume me as I followed it north. Going in the city was slow – the concrete and asphalt didn't catch Victoria's scent like the woods had – but after losing and finding it several times she led me out to the farmland, and the aroma strengthened with every tree or scrawny bush she passed.

She drew me north, and I realized that the sound of traffic always lurked in the distance. The highway wasn't far, and Victoria seemed to have used it as a guide. Just as the lights of another, smaller city appeared ahead, her trail veered west, crossing the six-lane road. Her path led me not into the population center, but around it. I began to think this was another trick – Victoria's thirst had to be intense, I was fairly certain that she hadn't fed in at least a week. But the scent continued to grow stronger, so I let it lead me.

The farms gave way to barren trees and frozen ponds, and I sped up even more. Victoria had continued to follow the highway north, crisscrossing it several more times, as if to avoid the larger bodies of water. Her reasoning escaped me – why didn't she swim across and completely erase her trail? Wet in this weather _would_ be inconvenient; frozen clothes tended to literally snap into pieces, but she could easily steal more. The only conclusion I could make was that her false trail in Toronto had been laid for a human's benefit and that she had no idea that it was a vampire tailing her. She could afford to be lazy and stay dry. So much the better for me.

Finally she veered east, into a completely uninhabited area, stumping me again. Where was she headed? Her scent was the strongest I'd found yet – only an hour, maybe two had passed since she'd run through here. Another musky scent mixed with hers, one that I recognized as moose. No, she couldn't be tracking an animal after passing up so many tasty humans.

The moose's path and Victoria's separated, and I wrote off the convergence as coincidence. Emmett would've kicked me for passing up a moose, but I refused to let my thirst distract me – not when I was this close.

I wondered where my brother was, if he and Rosalie had come back for Thanksgiving. Esme didn't make a production out of the holiday, but she did make a point of finding a moment with each of us during the day and expressing her gratitude for our presence in the family. This year, my moment had come in the form of a text message. I'd feared having to talk to her, feared hearing the disappointment and sadness in her voice, so I was grateful for the unassuming characters that wished me well and hoped for my quick return. I was also hurt though, missing my family more than I expected.

While my family was most likely hunting – in Alice's case for bargains – Bella would be spending the holiday with her father. Would she be preparing the traditional feast for Charlie? Perhaps she was visiting her mother, away from the cold and wet that she hated so much. Another possibility reared its head: she could be spending it with another – whomever she'd chosen to replace me. I'm sure the male population of Forks High had lined up at her door, once word got out that the Cullens had left.

The growl that escaped me disappeared into the quiet forest. I wanted her to find happiness, I reminded myself, and that would include loving another. Somewhere in the distance a coyote howled. _Even worse,_ I thought, _she could be spending Thanksgiving on the reservation with Black, and his ignorant child._

My disgust at the thought yanked my consciousness back to the present. Drawing the frigid air deeply into my lungs, I let Victoria's essence control my direction. The icy breeze brought the aroma of freshly spilled human blood to my nostrils and I recoiled. My throat turned to cinders; in that single breath I'd tasted three different humans in the wind, one stronger than the others. None could compare to the draw of Bella's blood, but the flavor brought back faint echoes of the amazing bliss I'd felt when her perfect serum had crossed my lips.

"_Thank you, Edward,"_ she'd said after I'd nearly killed her. The recollection turned my pleasure to revulsion.

Light announced the location of the bodies; silence told me I was too late. I reached out as far as I could with my mental hearing but was greeted with the same quiet solitude. Victoria had fed and moved on.

The two-story farmhouse stood in the center of a clearing, flanked by two leafless trees and several smaller buildings. Through the open front door I saw a crumpled form, but didn't bother to investigate it. The obvious absence of life meant that I was free to continue my search. There was no one left to save here.

I rounded the edge of the clearing, seeking Victoria's exit point. The only fragrant traces were those I'd followed to this remote home, but she may have found another means of escape. The open garage door was the most apparent clue, and I noted the quickly fading bare footprints leading from the house to the carport. _Damn it_ – I'd missed her by minutes.

The vacant garage confirmed my supposition – Victoria had stolen a vehicle. Was this the motivation for the long trek to this isolated spot, to acquire a means of transportation that wouldn't be immediately missed?

The snowfall increased, obliterating the miniscule chance I had of tracking the car, so I turned my attention back to the house. Viewing the aftermath of Victoria's meal wasn't high on my list, but if I could find out the make and model of the car, I might be able to employ the help of the human police without their knowledge. Should she cross the border, their computerized identification software would catch her, and with a little hacking, be adjusted to notify me.

I climbed the few steps up to the porch and slipped inside the house. The first body lay just inside, thrown into the pile of snow clothes stacked next to the door.

The man's eyes stared vacantly up at the ceiling, his face battered, but intact. His neck had been torn open so viciously that it would be impossible for a human to discern what kind of animal could have caused the injury, but the lack of blood in or near his body would look suspicious to even the most unobservant of investigators. Lying at the foot of the stairs was a twelve gauge. Victoria must have lured the pajama-clad husband downstairs before taking his life. He didn't seem to have suffered as much as some of her past victims; she must have been too thirsty to play with him too long. I doubted she extended the same courtesy to her second victim.

The smell of blood wafted down from upstairs, accompanied by a floral scent, but I ignored it, choosing to search the downstairs first. If I found what I needed, I wouldn't go any farther into the house.

In minutes I'd picked through all the drawers and cabinets, but found nothing resembling records that might contain a description or possibly even plate numbers of the missing car. The only clue I found was a photo of a shiny new truck on the fridge with a young, dark-haired teenage girl behind the wheel. Perhaps this was what Victoria was driving.

With a quick breath, I climbed the stairs. The smell of blood was troubling, not just because of the ravenous thirst it incited in me, but because of the strength of the smell. Victoria usually drained her victims dry, leaving nary a drop behind, but only a quantity approaching a pint could produce a scent this strong. I cringed, imagining the kind of damage Victoria would have inflicted on a person to cause such waste.

I crested the stairs, and could see the woman who had to be the man's wife lying on the floor of her bedroom at the end of the hall. From my vantage point she didn't seem to have suffered much either – her arms and legs appeared undamaged. If I hadn't smelled Victoria's distinctive fragrance as I stood there, I would've sworn that a different vampire had committed these murders. Behind the body sat a desk, and my hopes of finding the information I desired grew.

A dripping sound came from behind a closed door as I headed to the master bedroom, and with only the slightest sniff I knew the mass of blood resided inside the closed room. The floral scent also emanated from the tomb, drifting on the tang of burning wax. One scent in the bouquet stirred my memories, and I cut off my air supply before I could put a name to it.

The soft, dancing light that crept under the door confirmed the flames in the room, and my curiosity grew. The smell, the dark hair from the photo below sent the pit in my chest quaking, trying to suck me into the past. The memory I forced on myself was one of red eyes under an untidy mass of strawberry hair, and the ache transmuted to hate. All my weakness, my selfishness, my self-loathing were stored in the rift, ready to be poured out on the abomination that was Victoria.

My plan for violence and revenge chilled me, and I passed the room by, re-focused on my search. Stepping carefully over the woman in the bedroom, I searched the desk. This woman also had her throat torn to shreds, but her eyes were peacefully closed. Victoria must have been starving to have dispatched two humans without so much as breaking a finger.

Unable to muster any enthusiasm for inflicting similar damage on the vampire, I flipped through the files and papers. Among the phone bills and tax receipts I found the insurance form that gave me all the information I needed on the new, blue, Chevy Silverado, including the license plates. When I got back to Toronto, the first order of business would be checking out how secure the border patrol's servers were. With all the documents returned to their files, I started back down the hall.

The dripping had slowed to one drop every eight seconds, and I paused at the door. There was no reason for me to view Victoria's last victim; I'd found everything I'd needed. The light thrown by the flame hadn't increased, though, and I wondered. Had her plan to cover her tracks failed somehow? A fire would destroy all the evidence, but had she not stayed long enough to insure its success?

Cursing myself, I slowly pushed the door open and froze. It was here that Victoria had satisfied her taste for violence, and the evidence was spattered everywhere in the tiny bedroom. Droplets of blood had reached every one of the pink walls, spilling onto pictures, clothing, books. Life covered life – bathed in crimson, the trivial bits of this girl's existence were saturated with the one thing that'd given it form, meaning.

The brutality of the scene caused me to gasp, sucking in richness of the teenage girl's maple-sweetened blood and the smoke of the single candle burning on the table next to her. My eyes wandered to the ceramic dish, nearly empty of wax. The flame had licked at a nearby stack of paper, but hadn't spread as intended, and the charred edges of the fuel had escaped the reach of the fire. A different fire blazed in my throat, stirred by the by the scent of the purple wax… _lavender… _The smoke curled up from the candle toward me, and another scent – or was it a memory? – floated to me. _Freesia…_ When I freed my gaze to move from the candle to the bed, time stopped. _Everything_ stopped.

A bare arm stretched out toward me, the bright red bite mark on her palm glinting in the flame's light. The crescent matched the scar on Bella's hand exactly.

"_My hand is burning!" _The voice in my head was faint, hollow; not the scream it'd been in Phoenix. _No…_

The girl's long chestnut hair was swept across her face, hiding her eyes, but another crimson arc peeked out between the matted locks on her throat.

…_her wet hair tangled like seaweed… _Just like Bella's. The brown eyes I saw every time I blinked faded in to the shadows. _Bella…where are you?_

Lying across her waist, the girl's other pale wrist also bore the impression of teeth. My vision blurred, enhancing the similarities between this broken girl and my Bella.

"_Edward. It hurts." _Bella's memory was just a whisper. _No, don't go…_

And in the center of the teenager's chest, a fist-sized hole. The deep blue fabric of her top had ripped under the force of the punch that'd rendered her heart to nothing but pulp, unable to pump blood.

"_I would rather die than stay away from you." _With those words, my memories of Bella vanished, leaving my mind – my life – a black, empty void. The chasm in my chest wrung itself inside out, expelling all the pain, the hate, the memories, just as this girl's blood had been spewed around the room. Nothing remained inside of me – it was as if my being had been erased. She was gone…

"_NO!"_ I screamed, reaching out and flinging the girl's hair aside. I knew she wasn't Bella – she couldn't be – but until I saw the girl's long, pointed chin, her cloudy blue eyes, her thin dead lips, my mind impressed Bella's image on this broken body. And in that moment, Bella had been dead.

I'd known that my life would end when hers did, but no amount of imagination or contemplation could have prepared me for the complete emptiness her death would bring. The nothingness was so intense that I couldn't believe I still held a corporeal form – it was as if my very molecules exploded, disgorging every last bit of me into the void. The sensation was worse than death, worse than any hell. Formless, unfeeling, invisible. Beyond dead… eternally empty.

If I'd been able to wretch, I would have. As it was, my stomach heaved, and I had to turn away.

My hands trembled as I stepped back, stumbling away from my worst nightmare. "No… _she's_ safe," I told myself, falling to my knees. My ghostly Bella returned, and I'd never been happier.

"_I miss you,"_ she said in the darkness.

"…_It's like you've taken half my self away with you."_ I'd replied.

"_Come and get it,"_ she commanded.

As the endless darkness in my chest coalesced into the familiar unending pain, I looked again on the helpless girl, but answered the memory. "I will."

No matter how much I fought, how strong I pretended to be, I'd always known that I would return, some day, but I'd buried that weakness, refused to acknowledge it. Seeing this tragic sight, the embodiment of one of Bella's possible futures, finally broke me. I closed my eyes, selfishly welcoming Bella's smile and open arms, feeling her pull stronger than ever. How I wanted to trace her lips, feel the fragile softness of her skin against mine, even suffer the scorching thirst she elicited in me…just to verify what I knew to be true; that she was alive and happy, far from here.

Mixed with the thin comfort was sadness. She _would_ die, some day, and my return would only hasten that end. Another drop of blood fell, punctuating my paradox. In the end there could be only death.

"…_or she'll be one of us someday,"_ another memory whispered.

No…I'd never stoop that low. Bella could never be allowed to experience the void, the endless nothing that I was fated to die with. I'd gladly suffer a blank eternity before that. Her soul wouldn't vanish into the mists as mine had. She would know heaven, and I could only hope it would be as wonderful as the paradise I'd found when I was with her. My selfish heaven…

"I _will_ make you safe, first," I repeated.

One level of my selfishness would win, some day, but accepting that, I would still fight. If I could just make it a year, I'd give Bella the chance to find her new life, start college, and find the human love she deserved. Then, when I did return, she would turn me away. Only her words could keep me away permanently, I realized that now. I just had to give her enough time to compose them.

If only I could just catch a glimpse of her today, see her healthy blush…but no. A year was nothing to me, the monster who'd lived for more than a century. Why did it seem like every second seemed slower than the last?

Surely I was strong enough to last for that trivial amount of time. Besides, Victoria was still waiting for me. Time would pass faster with her distraction.

The thought of seeing Bella erased the emptiness, even eased the pain, but imagining her telling me to go, to leave her, brought to life a new agony. I tried to find a time when she'd said those words, even in fun, but I couldn't find a single instance where she'd told me to go; even though there'd been so many opportunities to do so.

The opposing statement filled me. _"I'll always want you," _she said in earnest.

A glimmer of hope flared like the flame dancing in this horrific room. _She could take me back._ As I slid the candle closer to the singed stack of what appeared to be old schoolwork, the resulting blaze completed the metaphor. My hope could only result in destroying Bella, as surely as the fire would devour this young girl's body. In the girl's case I would walk away – but when Bella was gone, I would throw myself into the flames with her. Hell couldn't be worse than the emptiness I'd felt in those few bleak seconds that I'd imagined her gone.

Mechanically I exited the house, the fire upstairs crackling as it feasted on what used to be three people's lives. In the midst of my self-inflicted torture over my failure to Bella, I caught Victoria's scent, and mine, and ran back the way I came. _Back…_

No, not back, forward. Victoria now suffered the same restraints that an automobile posed as I did. Gas…roads…_back…_

Bella would be in her bed sleeping, most likely peacefully at this late hour. So many times I'd watched her, held her as she rested and dreamed. The image of the girl's bludgeoned chest superimposed itself on the quiet scene, her blood dripping on Bella's light blue walls. _Back…_

She wouldn't even know I was there. Just a quick trip to make sure she was safe, healthy. The idea of returning to that dreary, wet corner of the world shrank the fissure that permanently split my chest open; as I anticipated that first whiff of Bella's excruciating but divinely sweet fragrance, the pain subsided slightly. One quick leap up to her lace-covered window, a peek, a breath, and then…

And then… What little conscience I had reasserted itself, reminding me that leaving the first time took every ounce of strength I'd had. The only conclusion to such a self-indulgent plan would be my continued presence in her life. _And then I wouldn't be able to leave her ever again._

Caught between fantasizing about Bella and agonizing over my unending failings, I didn't realize I'd left my intended path behind until I reached the edge of the cliff. I pulled up short, faced with a huge expanse of water.

Just the thought of seeing Bella again had sapped my control, once I'd headed back, toward her, I hadn't stopped. I wasn't even sure which Great Lake lay before me – I couldn't even remember crossing the highway. Without this inland sea to break my reverie I would have run all the way west…back to her. No, this was wrong. I couldn't even entertain the idea of seeing her again if I wanted to make it a day, let alone a year, away from her.

The snowfall ebbed as I defiantly pulled my jacket closed and turned my back on the lake, heading southeast. I placed the image of the unnamed girl before me as a reminder of both what I could do, and what I had to do. The teeth marks on her neck could easily be mine on Bella's throat. I had to stay away, protect Bella from the worst danger: me.

And I had to stop Victoria. Her barbarous existence had to end. I'd been so close…next time I would have her.

Then I would continue to fight, as long as I could. "A year, at least," I said aloud, my conviction not as strong as I'd hoped. Bella would live safely for a year before I endangered her with my presence in the end.

As the dormant trees whipped past me, she appeared behind my eyelids, her creamy skin glowing in her blue prom dress. _"It's not the end, it's the beginning,"_ she murmured.

* * *

_End Notes:_

_I'm sure you have some questions after reading this chapter, ones that Edward can't answer, but Victoria (and hopefully I) can. These came from my betas – so you aren't alone!_

NoMoreThanUsual asked: Does Edward know that Victoria is ACTIVELY hunting Bella right now? Or is he just eliminating possible threats to her?

_No, Edward doesn't know that Victoria was hunting Bella. If he did, he would have done more to protect Bella. At the end of NM we see how upset he is when he explains to Bella that it was after he went to South America that Victoria came back to Washington. He didn't know. Actually, she's not actively seeking out Bella yet, she's working through her anger and grief, just starting to formulate a plan that will hurt both Bella and Edward. If I can ever get Victoria's voice right, I'll have to write her story…_

_The bigger question at this point, I think, is: Did Victoria know that Edward was hunting HER? Here's what I envision…_

_Assuming Victoria's talent is to sense when she's being hunted and to escape, I believe that she knew someone was coming after her. Edward was closer than he thought in Chicago, and tipped Victoria off. She felt him in Detroit/Windsor, but didn't know if a human or a vampire was chasing her. Edward's never gotten close enough to read Victoria's thoughts, though… her talent warns her too soon._

_So, Victoria knows someone is after her. If it's a human, she'd let him catch her (and eat him), if it's a vampire, she's got bigger problems. Her first task is to figure out what species her hunter is. Hence the dance in Toronto._

_Edward alludes to the fact that a human could have fallen for the trail she left leading him to the hooker, and that was by her design. Then she intentionally led Edward (not knowing it was him) up into the wild north, to test to see if he was following. Only a vampire could follow her so far and so fast. When she happened on the farmhouse, just west of Hurdville, she coincidentally found the girl who looked just like Bella, and did to her what she longed to do to Bella._

Roo asked: Would Victoria hide the bodies? I know Stephenie said something on her website about how nomads would uproot trees and bury bodies in the roots so that the police wouldn't find them…or does she just not worry about the Volturi?

_Leaving the bodies to be found was part of Victoria's plan to see if it was a vampire following her. It was a risk, leaving the bodies, but if her pursuer was a vampire, they would be compelled to clean up her leftovers to avoid being connected to them. After making the kills and setting the scene like she'd tried to burn down the house, but it didn't work, she drove away and waited, possibly somewhere elevated, yet miles away where she could see the area the farmhouse was situated in. She planned to go back the next day and check, to see if the scene had been disturbed or not, but when she saw the smoke rising, her suspicions were confirmed. She was being hunted by a vampire. If Edward hadn't torched the house, Victoria would have, sometime the next day._

_She did return, and circled the property looking for traces of the hunter. Did she find Edward's scent? What do you think?_

And finally, Marcy asked: Hookers carry purses? I have no idea…

_Hahaha – if they don't, then I would say the hooker was 'off duty' when she was approached by the men. Now that's what I call a thorough beta!_

_Hopefully this answers some of your questions as well – a lot of thought goes into everything I write, and my betas keep me on my toes. Thanks so much to my wonderful friends, and to all my readers. Happy New Year!_


	12. Adeste Fidelis

_Author's Notes:_

_I'm sorry for the wait! Real life interfered...and to be honest, I was too happy to write Edward. He gave me a little vacation before dumping this insanity on me. So I beg your forgiveness. The next chapter is started, the wait shouldn't be nearly as long. Then, I THINK, the following chapter will see Edward arriving on Italian soil. Unless he has more surprises in store..._

_So where were we? Edward had tracked Victoria into Canada, and run across a kill that looked eeriliy like Bella. He was so close...Let's see where he is now._

_The songs for this chapter are in this chapter...'In Your Eyes' by Peter Gabriel, and 'I Will Remember You' by Sarah McLachlan. I'm sure there are others, if you have a suggestion I'd love to hear it!_

_Thanks for hanging in there with_ _me!_

_Extra special thanks to guest beta's Tigress5cubs and Strider (check out her story, too). Thank you so much, ladies, you both added so much to this story! MWAH!

* * *

  
_

**Adeste Fidelis**

The voices, the memories were all I had left.

Bella, in her blue prom gown, put her phantom arms on my shoulders. _"If you weren't a thousand times stronger than me, I would never have let you get away with this."_

I fisted my hair viciously, but none of the strands came free. Not this time. Pulling my hair out wouldn't remove the memories from my mind.

My fists moved to my eyes. "I miss you so much, Bella," I whispered.

I'd been sitting here, on the banks of the river for…I didn't know how long. For weeks I'd been searching the Northeast for some trace, some whiff of Victoria, but had found nothing but death. Human death.

The death Bella would have, many years from now, I prayed.

Victoria had returned to the US a day after her carnage in Ontario, entering dangerously close to where my family had relocated. Before I could warn them, I'd received Alice's scathing text.

_Nice sentiment. Do you worry this much about Bella?_

That was nearly a month ago. In ever-widening circles I'd hunted, lurking around homeless shelters and dive bars, even checking out killings in the suburban centers around major cities, without any success. In the midst of blizzards and ice storms I continued on, not bothering to feed. Each new murder scene brought a new body, another human life brought to a violent end. And with each failure, my grip on sanity slipped a little more.

Sunny days found me curled up in my car, hiding in some shaded alcove, trapped with her and the growing crowd in my brain. A year, I'd promised myself, but I could see her window so clearly when I closed my eyes. I opened my eyes and stared at the water rushing past, imagining what the reunion might be like…

_She slept, her hair swept behind her in a tangled tapestry. With a deep, searing breath I reached out to her cheek. The corner of her mouth turned up to meet my touch. With a sigh, she opened her eyes…_

"NO!" I screamed.

"_It seems much easier for you, now,"_ Bella whispered, her breath hitching.

Yes, she came to me so much easier now. Other ghostly murmurs joined the chorus, pushing me over the edge.

First, the obvious, my sister: _"I love her, too,"_ she said, rubbing salt in the open wound in my chest.

Then the obscure, a slightly too-friendly lab teacher: _"So, Edward, didn't you think Isabella should get a chance?"_

"_Like you don't know," _Jasper, of all people, answered.

"_Can't you see where you're headed?"_ Alice taunted from the past.

Yes, I knew where I was headed. _A year,_ I told myself, _couldn't you give her at least a year?_

Insanity had once been defined as doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I kept looking for Victoria, but found nothing. I kept telling myself I was strong enough to stay away from Bella, but every waking moment went to her. And without the ability to sleep, there was no respite. The cycle repeated, day, night, light, dark. And nothing changed…except for me.

Weak to start with, my will, and my body, had deteriorated even further with neglect. I'd proven that I wasn't good for Bella, now I looked the part. Why couldn't I get it through my head, or through my missing heart, that I couldn't go back?

In the distance a coyote howled. An animal, that's all I was. If a coyote could chew his leg off to escape a trap, why couldn't I let my heart go, cut it free and move on? My stomach twisted painfully. _Because you're not in a trap,_ I told myself. Bella didn't cage me, capture me like prey. No, I was much worse off. My prison was of my own making, tended by the most beautiful creature to walk the earth.

Instead of confining me, my Bella begged me to return, to give in, to hurt her, to _damn_ her. She had her fingers locked around my heart, squeezing it every time I considered her offer. That's all I really wanted to do, return and spend every last one of her human days with her. She'd age, become wrinkled by time and wisdom, but her beauty would never fade. Then she would drift away, rising to her forever, to the paradise she was so unwilling to accept.

And I would finish my journey, throw myself into the void, begging for some relief from the emptiness.

Why wait?

The idea gnawed at me. It was the ultimate solution, to permanently remove myself.

"_You are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself,"_ Bella cried.

I snorted at my memory. "Too late." I'd done nothing BUT hurt myself.

She didn't give up, moaning, _"Stay, Edward, stay with me. Don't leave me."_

That's what I'd be doing by…dying…before she did – leaving her. I'd managed to pull my physical body from her, but my heart, my spirit remained with her, even if she didn't know it. Taking that final step, erasing my existence away from her permanently…was impossible. Especially when I knew I was going back, some day.

Bella appeared before, me, standing in the snow, smiling. She was still in her gown, her arms open. How I loved that blue on her. My eyes closed, and I twirled with my love, under the crepe paper and balloons of prom. Maybe insanity wasn't as bad as I thought.

_She's not for you,_ my conscience tried to warn, and failed.

Another remembered voice ended our celebration.

"_Can I cut in?"_

My arms fell to my sides and my eyes opened. The circle of footprints in the snow demonstrated just how far gone I was. The annoying boy in my mind continued, putting his filthy hands on my Bella's perfect waist.

"_You look really pretty, by the way."_

He interrupted my fantasy, spinning Bella away, just like he had months ago. She happily danced with him, far from my grasp. _No, anyone but_ him.

The Quileute mirage looked at me and smiled. His face blurred slightly, becoming older; his clothes more primitive. The boy, Jacob, became his ancestor, Ephraim, still holding my Bella.

"_I'll protect her, save her, from you," he snarled, and whisked my Bella into the trees, exploding into his wolf form as he did._

The next howl that broke the night, broke me as well. _Not him…not them,_ I thought over and over. I'd kill them all before I'd let them take my Bella. I imagined chasing the wolves down, forcing their fur throat to my teeth, tasting their bitter blood on my tongue. Their strangled whimpers and screams brought a foreign laughter bursting out of me. No, they couldn't take my Bella.

The last one to die was the boy, Jacob. Even his human blood was sour, a result of his breeding, no doubt. His scream was the most satisfying of all.

The sensations were so real that my stomach warmed, filled with imaginary blood. It was with a start that I opened my eyes.

The clearing around me was littered with dead coyotes.

I could only stare in shock. My imagined attack hadn't been fictional—it wasn't wolves I'd killed, but their four legged cousins. I'd also imagined killing him, Jacob, in human form, and terror consumed me. Slowly I inhaled, testing the air for the sweet cloy of human blood. How low had I fallen?

Thankfully all that greeted me was the musky tang of animal blood.

I fell back into the snow, sated for the first time in months. The burn cooled and the voices quieted. All but one.

"_I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?"_

I scrubbed my face with my hands. If only my love could be enough.

After disposing of the remains, I hiked back to the car, following my own trail to the end of the deserted road. Emmett would've laughed, seeing me so dirty – he always teased me for being such a neat eater. As I changed, I thought back on the past hours, and my loss of control.

My mental instability wasn't solely due to my longing for Bella. I'd experienced what Carlisle had, centuries ago. My thirst had won, taken control. While he'd devoured a herd of deer, I'd taken down a pack of coyotes. I had to be more careful, lest I endanger something higher up the food chain. Something human.

In fresh clothes, I got back behind the wheel. But my initial problem still remained. Where would I go? Tracking down another killing seemed pointless, but I had to find something to occupy myself before I folded and turned west.

I tried to divert my attention by parking close to a truck stop, hoping the murmur of other minds would distract me. An old red Chevy in the parking lot made distraction impossible.

My head rested against the steering wheel, the ebbing darkness unable to negate the image permeating my vision. Though I'd regained most of my mental faculties, Bella still haunted me, her hand reaching out, unrelenting. _"I was hoping that you might have changed your mind."_

I fingered my hair again, wondering if the pain of yanking it out might break the cycle, but was interrupted by a sharp rapping on my window.

"Hey mister, you okay?" _Please let him be alive._ The officer sighed with relief when I lifted my eyes to him and lowered my window an inch.

"I'm fine, officer," I said, kicking myself for missing his approach.

_You're as pale as the corpse they found at the river,_ he thought. The body without any trace of Victoria's scent. My latest literal dead end. "Where're you headed?" he asked.

I wish I knew.

"_No trail?"_ Bella asked between the officer's heart beats.

The patch on his shoulder told me that I was still in Kentucky. Before he could notice my hesitation, I pointed away from the rising sun. "St. Louis. Just taking a break."

He evaluated my appearance. "Sitting out here in this weather isn't the safest way to take a break." _Fall asleep and you'll freeze to death._

Once I would have found his concern amusing.

"Why don't you come into the diner and…"

I turned the key, bringing my car to life. "No, thank you. I need to get going anyway."

He considered arguing, but thought better of it, thumping the roof of my car instead. "More power to you," he said and walked toward the truck stop's diner. The cop didn't see me grimace at his words.

More memories swept into my brain, and Charlie's voice rang out with laughter, just like it had after uttering the same words last spring. I couldn't join him this time, though.

"_You take care of my girl,"_ he warned.

God knows I'm trying.

I drove about a mile away, then pulled over, out of sight of passing cars and helpful policemen. Without a destination, I truly didn't know where I was going.

As I debated where to continue my futile search, my phone buzzed three times. Not a call, a message.

Carefully I opened the phone, wary of the source of the text. What I saw shocked me.

_**TARGET DETECTED NB 04:25 20 DEC 2005 LAREDO TX**_

When I'd set up my surveillance of the border patrol cameras, I'd hooked into the entire network, hoping to catch Victoria crossing back into the US from Canada. I'd never bothered to disable my piggy-back program after it'd served its purpose, and didn't expect Victoria to cross the border in that car again. The last thing I would have expected was to see her return from _Mexico_.

My fist came down on the center console, destroying the useless cup holders.

Victoria had crossed the _entire country_ without my knowledge, without leaving a single clue in nearly a month. I'd been such an idiot! I'd spent an entire week fumbling through the environs of New York City alone, while she'd been where – Acapulco? Cancun? _Dammit!_

Clarity returned as I turned the car southwest, speeding toward the Lone Star State. I fished my hat out of the passenger seat – not even the sun would stop me. As the sky lightened, my foot crushed the gas pedal, threatening to push it completely through the floorboards.

I crossed into Texas with different ghosts haunting me, phantoms that, for once, weren't mine. My only knowledge of the Lone Star state came second-hand, from Jasper. He'd spent decades wandering the scrub-covered flatlands of Mexico and southern Texas, killing humans and vampires alike. He'd made me privy to a sampling of the violence he'd participated in; my own experiences paled in comparison to the raw brutality he'd not only been subjected to, but inflicted on others.

His conscience had long since been assuaged, as he viewed his time with his creator as one of war, though the scars he carried weren't as easily erased. Though he denied it to everyone else, I knew he hated living with his past written all over his skin. But we all had our scars. Sometimes I wished mine were as obvious as his.

"_You're still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?"_

Yes. Maybe Bella would run when I saw her again. Unlikely, but if she did, I wouldn't follow. It was the thought of standing in her presence, no matter what the outcome, that made me suck in a cold breath. "A year," I whispered, and pulled off the freeway.

I'd made good time today. The rain had kept the traffic light, and the miles had raced by under my wheels. I arrived at the gas station outside of San Antonio just after sunset. As if I didn't have enough to keep my phantom Bella with me, the music blaring through the station was Peter Gabriel's _In Your Eyes._

"_Love, I get so lost, sometimes  
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart."_

I jammed my credit card into the reader, but he continued on, turning my pain into melodic agony.

"_When I want to run away  
I drive off in my car  
but whichever way I go  
I come back to the place you are."_

Bella's brown eyes appeared as if reflected in the shiny black window of my car.

"I love this song," the woman inside the tiny store said, bouncing to the beat and diverting my attention. I focused on her mind, trying to find something trivial to drown out the music. The customer across the counter smiled politely, but didn't reply. The cashier glanced out the window at my car. "Nice ride."

"Thanks," I said to myself, looking back at the achingly slow gas pump. In the polished metal I caught my distorted likeness. My eyes were actually amber. The last time they were this color was when…

"_I have a theory about that,"_ Bella said coyly. Her eyes closed, showing me the picture I'd seen that last day. _"Wait!"_ she called.

I shook my head desperately trying to erase the image.

"_In your eyes  
the resolution of all the fruitless searches  
in your eyes  
I see the light and the heat  
in your eyes  
oh, I want to be that complete  
I want to touch the light,  
the heat I see in your eyes."_

My hands were shaking by the time the song ended, each word burying itself in me like a dagger. The rumble of a Texas state trooper's car muffled the final chords and my eyes rose to meet his. He lifted an eyebrow at my car, making a mental note to watch for my speed-loving vehicle out on the road.

I didn't respond, but watched as he sauntered into the mini-mart.

"How's things, Wendy?" he said.

"Fine, Jack. We haven't had any more trouble today."

I listened as a distraction, ignoring the new song that started in the background. Bella seemed to be making music requests tonight; _I Will Remember You_ serenaded the clerk now. Such a simple chore became torture.

I actually considered whistling to drown out the lyrics.

"_How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun  
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one"_

The song could have been written just for me. Gritting my teeth I watched the numbers changing on the pump. _I could suck the gas out of the ground faster than this pump,_ I grumbled to myself.

"_I__'__m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose  
Clinging to a past that doesn__'__t let me choose  
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night  
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light"_

Thankfully, the cop's thoughts interrupted me. "That's good. We haven't seen hide nor hair of the woman who tried to rob you. I would've thought that someone with such a striking description would be easy to find," the cop said as he finished filling a huge soda cup.

The pump clicked off, but I didn't move. The image that filled the clerk's mind had frozen me in place. She'd been robbed by _Victoria_. And lived…

"Yeah, the eyes on that woman were spooky. I wonder if they were contacts. Most red-heads have green eyes, not black. Eh, wigs are pretty good these days, I guess."

The clerk remembered Victoria jumping over the counter and grabbing her by the throat, but then being released when a tour bus pulled into the station. I hope she thanked whatever god she prayed to. To be in the grip of a hungry vampire and walk away with barely a bruise was close to miraculous.

Almost gleefully I replaced the pump. Victoria had to be hunting tonight, perhaps here in San Antonio. An unfamiliar anticipation drifted over me.

I could have her tonight and prevent more killing, more death. And I could rid the world of a ruthless, murdering monster. Not since my vigilante days had I looked forward to killing this much – even my wish destroy James was tempered with the urge to protect Bella. No morals, no conscience, not even Bella would intercede on Victoria's behalf. She would die, and no one would mourn her.

hye

"I still don't know how she broke the time lock. One second it was there, the next, the door was lying on the floor," the clerk said, remembering the confused scene. "Spooky."

The cop brought his cup to the counter. "Get those cameras fixed, okay? You really need some kind of protection out here."

The girl was about to reply when the cop's cell phone rang. I didn't pay much attention to the message, but the cop dropped his cup and ran out to his car. He jumped in and peeled out, his thoughts focused on a girl a little older than Bella.

"Juliet-four code three to Austin. Chris, I need the details of a fire on sorority row, NOW!" he screamed into his radio. As he sped off, I caught the reason for his fear.

A sorority house at the University of Texas was on fire…four or five were presumed trapped or dead. A strange purple flame had been spotted, and haz mat units had been called to the scene.

Venom burned with a purple hue, though it was rare for anyone to see it, it burned so quickly. I tore off after the cop who was frantically trying to call his daughter, one of the few students still at her house even though the semester had ended.

The blue and red strobes pulsed like a visual heart beat, reflecting off the glassy, wet pavement ahead of me. The patrol car cut through the darkness like a hot knife, travelling at panicked speeds approaching a hundred and twenty miles an hour. I followed behind, just another black shadow in the drizzling night. A shadow with a purpose, finally.

I was strangely comfortable, racing behind the terrified human. A day ago I had no purpose, no hope, and was minutes from breaking my promise. But insanity does that to a person, I realized. My problem was that the derangement still lurked within me, whispering, laughing, and taunting me every moment of every day with deep brown eyes that turned my whole world a dull sepia.

"_Sure. Brown is warm. I _miss_ brown."_

I miss brown, too, my love.

"Which sorority, Chris? I have to know!" the trooper yelled into his radio. His daughter's face smiled back at him from the photo mounted on his visor. _Please, God._

The man's panic brought back different, disturbing memories of another phone call to another cop, not so long ago. Charlie must had been similarly upset, not knowing where Bella had disappeared to during those awful days in Phoenix, but the call I'd made was hardly comforting.

_Setting Bella in the scene that Alice had prepared at our hotel and then stepping away was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Still broken, still bleeding, I'd had to leave her in the hands of the human EMTs, unable to touch her. Carlisle had to hold me back when she moaned in pain when they transferred her to the gurney._

They're helping her, not hurting her. You have to let them work, Edward._ Carlisle thought._

You'll be with her soon. It won't be that long._ Alice showed me the future: soon I would be sitting next to an unconscious Bella, alone._

_We followed the ambulance as closely as possible without attracting undue attention. Even with the traffic I could hear her heartbeat in the vehicle ahead of us, a faint echo of what it should be._

_The next hour was excruciating as I paced; exiled to the waiting room at Scottsdale Memorial. Carlisle had been permitted to observe Bella's treatment from behind glass. I watched with him, hearing again the long list of her injuries. The responsibility for her pain rested with me, but I longed to have exacted the same injuries on James. He'd paid the ultimate price, going up in flames in that horrid dance studio, but it would never be enough to cover the cost to Bella._

_One of the ER doctors took Carlisle aside. "She's stable, thanks in large part to your quick action, Dr. Cullen. We couldn't find any more shards of glass in her wounds. We're sending her to X-Ray to verify the severity of the breaks and check for skull fractures, then she'll be moved to a room. She's very lucky you found her."_

_Carlisle shook the physician's hand. "Lucky for all of us. Thank you for caring for her."_

_Bella rolled by behind Carlisle, pushed by an orderly and accompanied by a nurse pushing a rack of monitors, IV's, and the pint of blood that was slowly dripping into her arm. I took a step toward the door separating me from her._

"_No, Edward, don't. You have to be patient," Alice said, catching my arm. _There are other things that you need to do.

"_What? Carlisle has filled out all the forms." I snapped. Another nurse approached my father with yet another clipboard as I spoke._

We need to call Charlie and Renée.

_I pinched the bridge of my nose. Charlie._

_The last time I'd seen Bella's father, he'd glared at me out the window of the coffee shop. Carlisle had spoken to him, but even without hearing Charlie's thoughts I knew he still blamed me on some level for Bella's sudden departure._

_Alice put her hand on my arm. "Why don't you go outside? The sun is setting and the shadows are long on this side of the building." She plopped down in a seat and picked up a magazine. Because I didn't know what I would say to Charlie, she couldn't see how he would react, and shrugged. Her thoughts turned to the video camera in Carlisle's car, wondering about Bella's statement that James knew my sister._

"_I want to see that tape, too, Alice," I said before walking away. Watching James torture Bella wasn't something I looked forward to doing, but I had to know what she'd endured. Bella couldn't carry that burden alone._

_I didn't think before dialing, still unsure of how to tell Charlie what had happened._

_He answered on the second ring. "Edward," he said warily. "She's not here."_

"_Yes, Chief Swan, I know. I'm calling from Arizona." _

_He took a deep breath as my statement registered. "You're where? Why can't you just leave her alone? She obviously wants nothing to do with you," he said sternly._

"_That's why I came here, sir, to apologize and ask her to come back. I didn't mean to chase her from her home."_

_Charlie's anger exploded. "That's exactly what you did, chase her away. And now you're stalking her? I'm calling the police…"_

"_Hang on, sir, I didn't come alone. My father and sister are here, too. Bella knows she is safe. She agreed to see me."_

"_So why exactly are you calling me? If you're expecting a 'thank you,' you're going to be waiting a helluva long time."_

_An eternity, no doubt. Another lungful of useless air visited my lungs as I prepared for the worst part. If Charlie forbade me from seeing Bella, I wasn't sure what I'd do. _

"_No, sir, I don't expect anything. As I said, Bella agreed to meet us at our hotel. She decided to take the stairs up to our room and on the way, tripped and fell." The lie tore at my conscience, but I couldn't tell him that not one, but two different vampires had tried to kill her. With a guilty swallow I pushed away her heavenly aftertaste. The intervening hours hadn't dulled the memory of the crimson ambrosia that pumped through her veins._

_Charlie's sharp intake whistled across the receiver. "She fell?" he repeated._

"_She's going to be fine, sir," I started quickly, speeding through the worst part. "She broke her leg and received some deep cuts that required stitches. Some ribs were also broken," I finished quietly. I'd let the doctors tell him about the hairline fractures in her skull they'd just discovered. _

"_From falling down stairs? What did you do to her?" he screamed._

_If only he knew. "I didn't even see it happen." But I would, when I viewed James' video. That _bastard_… "She fell down two flights, and through a plate glass window. No one is more sorry about this than I am, I assure you. My father got to her and administered first aid immediately. She's getting the best possible care."_

"_You listen to me, Edward Cullen, you stay the hell away from her, you hear me? If I catch you…"_

_A stony hand took the phone from my ear._

"_Charlie, you need to calm down. Edward did nothing but try to help. What happened was purely accidental. Bella was excited to see my son and tripped, that's all." _Considering her past, this shouldn't be too hard for him to accept,_ Carlisle thought, remembering the first time he saw Bella's x-rays. _

_Charlie didn't speak at first. "Carlisle?" he asked, confused._

_Carlisle's voice was calm and even; authoritative but reassuring. "Yes, Charlie. Bella is strong, and will recover fully from her injuries. I just got off the phone with Renée. She's already on her way." He paused, but Charlie didn't speak. "I've taken the liberty of reserving a seat on the eight o'clock from Seattle for you. Do you think you can catch that?" _

Carlisle's soothing voice had made all the difference, a neutral third party in a volatile conversation. Now, as I raced down the freeway behind the distraught trooper, I recognized the same even control in the dispatcher's voice.

"Jack, it was the Kappa Sigma house, not Delta Kai. She's fine, Juliet-four."

"_Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief."_ The word 'Juliet' brought back the last time I'd seen Bella happy, covering the memories of her bruised and comatose face.

The cop said a quick prayer of thanks, and made promises to attend church more often as he slowed to an irritating eighty miles per hour.

"Roger that. Thanks Linda. Have the victims been ID'd yet?" He thought of his daughter's friend, a member of the house that burned.

The radio crackled. "No. According to Austin Fire, some kind of accelerant must have been used. The fire was too intense for rescuers to get into the building. No bodies have been recovered."

"I'm going to check out the scene, I'm due for a break. Juliet-four, ten-seven."

The cop called his daughter on his cell phone again, finally reaching her as he led me through the streets of Austin. The girl's voice shook as she spoke, sniffing back tears as she worried that her friend was among the missing. Her father assured her that he was close, and would help.

When the cop reached the fire line, I circled the block, parking along a dark side street. I doubted he'd recognize my car, but couldn't risk it. Leaping fences and buildings, I found him again, catching his daughter as she collapsed into his arms.

I tried to ignore their reunion, letting the father and daughter comfort each other in privacy. When the details of the fire crept into their conversation, I gave them my full attention.

"I talked to Kim earlier, she said she'd met a new girl at the library computer lab and they were going back to the house to watch a movie," the girl said, her voice breaking. "She invited me to come. If she was one of the ones that died…" I recognized the fear and guilt in her thoughts, the longing to change the past.

The two embraced again, and I headed back to the car. The human family had provided me with the lead I needed – a trusting soul would be the perfect target for Victoria. Was she the 'new girl' from library computer lab?

Since Victoria was still using a vehicle, it was no surprise that she left no trail near the fire. But she wasn't getting away so easily this time.

After a quick stop near Starbucks to Google a map of the UT campus, I drove to the library. With ten minutes to spare until closing, I found the computer lab and followed my nose to the terminal Victoria had been using.

A few keystrokes and a stunned silence later I was staring at an airline reservation for Victoria James.

To Buenos Aires. _What?_

She bought a ticket to Argentina? My mind raced, sifting through what I knew about my nemesis. She ran when endangered; she liked to play games. Which was this?

Her flight was scheduled to leave Dallas in about an hour, so there was no way I could make it in time. But the direct flight first thing in the morning arrived only two hours after hers. As the announcement that the library was closing sounded over the loud speakers, I booked my own flight. The two flights left from the same gate, and if luck held, I could verify that she'd actually boarded the plane before I stepped onto one myself.

With renewed purpose, I hit the road. Maybe leaving the continent would dull my memories. But did I want that?

Bella frowned. _"What are you asking? My permission?"_

What if travelling farther away meant that the image in my head would dull, the voice become less than a whisper? The gaping hole in my chest grew larger at the thought.

"_I thought you were desensitized,"_ she whispered.

She taunted me all the way to Dallas, reminding me of all the things I loved about her. I didn't reply to her imagined questions and pleadings, but I didn't try to shut her out, either.

"_I thought we were past all the evasiveness,"_ she groused, and I actually smiled. No, she wouldn't leave me to suffer in silence, not as long as she waited somewhere, her heart beating and her cheeks blushing. One cycle would be broken when I caught Victoria. The other would continue, as would Bella's life.

By midnight I was walking through the doors at DFW, my bag over my shoulder. The terminal was quiet; only a few flights were scheduled to depart in the middle of the night. I headed straight for the first class desk. I set my wallet on the counter, flipping it open to expose my driver's license and the photo I'd acquired at a drugstore on the way. The red head in the picture wasn't Victoria, but the resemblance was close enough to trigger a human's memory.

"Good evening, Mr. Masen. Do you have a reservation?" The tall, auburn ticket agent had a warm smile for me. _Wow, I wish I was twenty again._

I nodded and the agent, Elizabeth, beamed. Bella commented on the apparent return of my charm. _"You have to know the effect you have on people."_ I guess my nervous breakdown and subsequent meal had served a positive purpose, in the end.

"You're booked on the 7:35 to Buenos Aires. I see your seat is in the last row of first class. I can move you up to the first row, if you don't mind the bulk head," she tittered. _Those long legs deserve the extra space. If only I had the vacation time, I'd go with him._

"_Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"_ Bella smirked.

"That would be fine, thank you," I said. I angled the wallet before picking it up.

The photo caught the agent's eye. _She's pretty, too. A relative, I hope._ She looked a little closer. "Is this your sister? I could've sworn I saw her here earlier this evening." Victoria appeared in her mind's eye, picking up her ticket to Argentina.

She had been here.

"No, the photo came with the wallet, actually." I smiled and collected my ticket from Elizabeth.

"Huh. Just coincidence, I guess. Have a nice trip, Mr. Masen."

I nodded, then made my way to security.

Victoria's scent had been completely obliterated at the checkpoint, but if I really wanted to, I could hack into the security system and see if she'd been photographed. But as soon as I cleared security I caught the tinge of her sweet fragrance and follow it through the terminal.

The trail led me to a bookstore, long since closed, and to a seat facing the windows at my gate. The probability that Victoria was on the run strengthened. I sat on the opposite side of the gate, preparing to wait out the night until I boarded the plane.

I'd just opened my laptop when my phone rang. I'd expected Alice to call earlier, when I'd had my lapse, but she'd remained quiet. Was she waiting until I was more coherent before laying into me? Hesitantly I checked the caller ID. It wasn't Alice, but Emmett. What could he want? Probably just to tease or goad me—I put the phone back into my pocket.

No sooner had I gotten my lap top situated when my phone buzzed again.

"Answer the damn phone, Edward. I need to talk to you," the message read.

The phone rang again in my hand. Fine. "What do you want, Emmett?"

"Hello, to you too, bro. Glad to hear you're still alive."

"Of course I'm alive. Sorry if you lost the bet."

"Ouch," Emmett said. "You had Alice worried, you know, with whatever stunt you pulled yesterday. I swear she turned green when she saw that vision and choked out your name. What the hell did you think about doing?"

Dammit, she's not supposed to be watching me. "Nothing. You know how dramatic she is. Is that all you called for, to chew me out?" I prepared to hang up.

He didn't answer immediately, and the total silence piqued my curiosity. Where was he?

His answer came slowly. "No. I was calling to ask you to come home for Christmas. We all miss you. Esme especially is worried and would love to see you, just for the day."

"I can't, Em, I'm waiting for a flight south right now. I don't know when I'll be back." Even if I didn't know where Victoria was going, I couldn't spend the holidays with them. I'd barely kept from purchasing something and sending it to Bella, even knowing how she hated presents. Sans wrapping paper, of course.

"Mom is really suffering, missing you. Think about her feelings," Emmett said.

I sighed. She'd been so sad when I'd left—I couldn't put her through that again. But maybe if I spoke to her? "I know, and I'm sorry. But seeing me would only make things worse for her, and I don't want to ruin Christmas for all of you. Especially you, Em. I doubt Rosalie would be happy to see me."

"She'll get over it. Come on, just for a day, Edward. Can't you even do that?"

I couldn't argue the fact that seeing Esme, and even Emmett wasn't appealing. It was also extremely selfish. "No, I'll be in Argentina. Victoria is only a couple hours ahead of me." I ran a hand through my hair. "How about if I talk to her? Is she there?"

"No, she's with Carlisle. It's Solstice." That explained the silence. Emmett must be the only one in the house.

A traditionally pagan holiday, Carlisle had added it to his personal celebrations at least two centuries ago. As long as I'd known him, he'd made a point of going out alone on this, the longest night of the year, and communing with God. He'd invited each of us to join him, and I'd followed him a few times out of curiosity, but none of the rest of us shared the belief he had in a merciful God. Only Esme accompanied him, more out of respect and love than faith.

My father spent the dark hours meditating on his life, measuring his actions during the past year, decade, or century against what he believed God would have expected of him. He confessed his sins, and found some absolution in the process. I'd listened to his thoughts, but hadn't shared them.

When he and Esme left for his annual worship, the rest of us usually went on an extended hunt. Rarely did so many of us hunt together, but this was the one night when all of my siblings would hit the wilderness together. The feasting usually devolved into snowball fights and games—the one time we really felt like children.

The Solstice hunt was one of Emmett's favorite events—had he passed it up to call me?

"Why aren't you out with the others?" I asked.

"I didn't want to call when Esme was around, and to be honest, I wasn't really interested in going since you weren't going to be here." His words became a whisper. "I miss you, brother."

My stomach sank to my knees. "I miss you too, Em. But you should go out. Find a moose or something."

He didn't answer.

"It's better this way, really. You don't want to be around me. _I _don't want to be around me, most of the time."

"_Why is that?"_ Bella whispered.

Defeated, Emmett sighed. "I won't harass you the way Alice wanted me to, so I'll let you go, then. One thing, though. I'm pretty sure I can guess what set her off yesterday, and I will warn you that you'd better not be planning to off yourself. You even think about that again and I'll tear your arms off, you hear me?" The threat lost steam as sadness in my brother's voice flowed directly into the hole in my chest, enlarging it.

"Thanks, Em, I hear you. Take care of them for me, okay?" I couldn't take much more guilt.

"I will."

I closed the phone. My brother knew me too well. Maybe I could arrange to meet him sometime, but then I remembered how he'd affected Bella. He'd brought out her blush with his jibes, treating her like his little sister from the first time he spoke to her. Even on that last, normal day he'd teased her into a beautiful flush.

"_Thanks a lot, Emmett,"_ Bella whispered, her face a red that rivaled any rose. Embarrassment only enhanced my angel's beauty.

My brother laughed loudly. His next words came from a different memory, one from last summer. _"Hell's not so bad if you get to keep an angel with you."_

He was right. But the opposite was also true. Hell was infinitely worse without an angel.

Without _my_ angel.


	13. Ano Nuevo

_Author's Notes:_

_We're so close! This chapter will cover a lot of ground and a lot of time, taking us right up to Stephenie Meyer's extra "Rosalie's News." Check the endnote for the link to that story – it will serve as the chapter following this one. I can't improve upon her writing, and won't even try!_

_So buckle your seatbelts, this is going to be one heck of a ride through South America! Oh, and watch for a little Midnight Sun missing moment!  
_

_Mood music: I don't know if I've already tagged this one or not, but John Mayer's Dreaming with a Broken Heart sets the mood nicely for this chapter. Another, strangely appropriate, piece of music is the theme to the movie 'Castaway'._

_Be sure and read the End Notes!

* * *

_**Año Nuevo**

If I'd thought that distance would ease the constant ache, the nearly physical pull on my being that Bella exerted, I was wrong.

Stepping off the plane in Buenos Aires, I'd caught the most minute trace of Victoria. Mixed in with the smell of humans, machines, and Jet A, was the tiniest hint of vampire. It was so faint that I thought it was my imagination at first. But I inhaled and caught it again—a single, sweet, undead note floating in the sea of unknowing life. For that moment, that second, I felt relief. Half a world away from where my heart lay, I thought I had a chance to be free. But in the next second, a ray of sun stabbed through a crack in the Jetway, bouncing off my hand like it'd hit a disco ball.

Bella smiled in my mind, the sun lighting the red highlights in her lustrous hair. _"Very nice-looking."_

The sunshine had touched the same spot she did that day in the meadow, but it carried nowhere near the heat that her skin did. Bella was so innocent then, so trusting…and so was I. I'd never understood why humans longed so much for their childhoods until now. The young were so undisciplined and messy. But ignorance truly was bliss. No longer innocent nor ignorant, I, too, wished for simpler times.

"_Someone has to be the adult."_

Yes. I had nearly ninety years on Bella; _I _should be the adult. Yet I wanted nothing more than to fall at her feet and beg for her to take me back.

During the first days in Argentina I clung to the hope that the change in climate, the dark skin of the residents and the less familiar chant of Spanish would deter me from thinking about Bella. I hadn't spent much time in this part of the world; surely the newness would provide some diversion.

It didn't.

The long, sunny, summer days tormented me more than the lack of leads. Limited to dark corners during the day, I should've been reading newspapers or listening to radio reports. I should've rented or bought a car with tinted windows so I could scout out places Victoria could be hiding in the daylight. I should've found an Internet connection so I could find the most likely places she would be hunting, come nightfall. So many things I should've been doing, rather than hiding with my memories of _her_.

"_Burned by the sun?"_ Bella laughed.

I spent my days in some dank hideaway or another, arguing with her – no, arguing with myself. I repeated the reasons why I'd left; why I had to stay away. She, or rather, the selfish side of me, countered every one with a smile, a laugh, and a wave beckoning me back.

"_It's not that far of a walk,"_ she teased.

When the sky turned as black as my mood, I pulled myself out of my hole for a little while. I scouted old crime scenes, the less desirable neighborhoods, and the edges of the tourist areas looking for some trace of the red-haired demon.

"_What was it you were looking for?"_

_Victoria_, I reminded Bella weakly.

Just like in the US, I found nothing. Soon Bella intruded on my nights, pushing the memories on me in waves, smothering me.

Breathless, she rested her translucent hand on my shoulder. _"You're driving me crazy."_

_That makes two of us,_ I thought, reaching for her. I could have sworn my hand warmed as it neared her face…

I didn't know how many days had passed before I gave up. I decided that maybe if I let my memories have me, uninterrupted, for a little while, I'd be able to find the focus to return to the hunt. That's what I told myself, anyway, as I left the city, heading into the delta.

I crossed through the swamp, running so fast that my feet didn't have time to sink into the spongy bog. A river came into view, and I picked a tree and settled in its branches, shaded by the thick foliage.

The lies came easily. _Buenos Aires is home to millions, it would take time to find Victoria. If she knows I'm following her, this little break will lull her into a false sense of security._ _I need time to think._

Right.

I couldn't bring myself to admit that Victoria had stymied me again, but I hadn't found any evidence she'd ever left the airport. This bright, muggy land was not the ideal place for a vampire – had she found her way onto another flight? How had I missed that?

Slumped against a tree, the steamy air condensed on my cool skin, the droplets resembling human sweat. Something about her strategy escaped me. I stared across the river at a tapir climbing into the water and my concentration wavered.

The sight of the cow-sized creature should have stoked the smoldering embers in my throat, but I felt nothing. My eyes had reverted back to black weeks ago, I was sure, and the unending thirst had strengthened. After so long, I expected my neck to have a black cast from the constant baking. The thirst always burned, but never consumed. But the thirst was nothing compared to the pain of heartbreak.

For once I initiated the conversation with my hallucination. _"What's your favorite gemstone?"_ At the time I'd wondered if she'd prefer a necklace, bracelet or ring.

"_I suppose…onyx. It's the color of your eyes today."_

Her cheeks had turned a lovely shade of crimson as she admitted her weakness for me. Her fragrance always intensified when she blushed, increasing the burn. I was surprised that the fire didn't rear up now, but my throat remained at a dull simmer. A stab of fear caught my breath. Was I losing her?

"_That must have been a nice change for you,"_ she said, wrapped in gauze and tubes.

"No, I like how _you_ smell," I said to the leaves. Maybe it's a signal. I shouldn't indulge myself like this. I should go back to my self-imposed quest.

"_You'll come over when I'm home…right?"_ she asked, catching me off guard, just like she had months ago.

I pinched my lips shut, preventing the wrong answer from leaking out. _Not yet,_ I thought in reply.

Only a few months had passed since that fateful day… not nearly the year I'd promised myself. Each week, each day, each _second_, was harder to bear than the last. But I had to make it. Then I could ruin another of her birthdays when I returned. I was hardly a present.

"_No presents,"_ she repeated.

Of course, Bella hated presents, as she probably hated me. As a 'thank you' she would undoubtedly send me away. Where would I go then?

"_Please…"_ she whispered.

That would be all it would take. She didn't know the power she held in that one word. It would be enough that I would do whatever she asked. Unfortunately, Bella seemed to tap into its power to put herself in danger rather than to protect herself.

"_I demand that you take me home,"_ she'd said that stormy night outside of Forks. I'd been ready to ignore her, but she'd whispered that dreaded word. _"Please."_ I'd let her go and nearly lost her forever.

"_Okay, I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. Will you show up?"_

As if to punctuate her request, a jet flew by, heading northeast, toward her. My head swiveled around. The airport was only a few miles away…

_No!_ I shook my head. How many more months did I have to wait until I saw her? _No. The question is: how much longer can I protect her?_ I corrected myself.

"She deserves to live, she must live," I chanted, the words becoming fainter and fainter.

My mindless muttering was interrupted by my phone. Without thought I snapped it open.

"What?" I snapped.

A sigh greeted me. Esme's sigh. "_Hello_ is the customary greeting." Her admonition lacked its usual forcefulness.

My mind blanked. "I'm sorry, Mom. Hello." Why was she calling? Was something wrong? "Is everything okay?" I sat up a little straighter, even though she was thousands of miles away.

"Things are quiet here. I don't mean to bother you, but I thought you might like some company today, as it were." She spoke slowly, cautiously.

"It's no bother." It'd been so long since I'd heard Esme's voice, and though it contained as much sorrow as my absent heart, it was comforting, nonetheless. "I'm glad you called. Are you at home?" I could hear low murmurs in the background.

"Yes. Your father is at work, but Jasper and Alice are home today. Where are you? Emmett mentioned that you were going to Argentina?" Her strained voice belied her interest in small talk, but I played along.

"I'm outside of Buenos Aires. Are Emmett and Rosalie still traveling the world?"

"Yes. They came home for Christmas, but left to finish their European honeymoon. We missed you," she added quietly.

My throat ached, not from thirst, but from the baseball-sized lump filling it. "I'm sorry I didn't make it back." I couldn't continue, I had no excuses and couldn't make any promises.

"I understand."

"He doesn't know, Mom," Alice said in the background, before being shushed.

"What don't I know? Is Carlisle okay?" As I spoke the words I realized that Alice didn't sound upset, but chagrinned.

"Carlisle is fine, there's nothing to worry about." She sighed again. "I was just worried about you. Have you made any…progress?"

I narrowed my eyes at her hesitation. Something was going on, but I couldn't suspect her of anything underhanded. "Some," I said vaguely. "I'm sure Alice has…"

Alice didn't let me finish, interrupting, "I haven't been watching you, Edward. At least not on purpose."

Esme said nothing, but I could imagine the glare she gave my sister. Interruptions were not something my mother abided.

"Sorry," Alice mumbled.

"Please don't blame your sister. I asked her to check on you today. It's been so long, Edward. Would you consider meeting us in Rio, just for a day? Just to humor your mother?"

Guilt overwhelmed me. Esme only wanted to confirm my well-being, I was sure. She wouldn't like what she found. "Mom, I don't think that's such a good idea. It's summer here… and…" I couldn't let her see me like this.

"I understand," she repeated. "You do know that we'd come in a second if you needed us, don't you?"

Something else lurked behind her concern. "Yes, of course I do, Mom. Is there something I should know?"

She didn't answer right away. "No. Nothing. I just wanted to remind you that we love you." Her voice hitched. "That _I_ love you."

"I love you, too, Mom. Thanks."

Again Alice hissed, but didn't say anything intelligible.

"I guess that's all then. Be safe, Edward."

"I will. Goodbye, Mom."

I hung up, unable to shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. Why would she call, but not tell me was bothering her? But there was a clue...

_Today_. She'd said it twice. Why? I opened my phone again, checking the date.

If I'd had a heart it would have stopped. Today was January eighteenth; the day I'd first seen Bella, first been tempted to kill her, exactly one year ago.

My eyes closed and I saw her, staring across the cafeteria at me. Her hair, her eyes, her blush as clear as they were that first day. Her scent filled me, but the burn still didn't come. Had I overcome my thirst for her perfect blood? If I'd tamed the beast within me…

The pop of the man's shoulder in Toronto obscured her voice as she said my name. A pile of furry bodies marked my true nature. No, the beast inside me was alive and well, and after all this time, it would be dying to feast on her perfection.

But I'd made it a year.

My heart, the lifeless lump of stone that resided in Bella's soft, delicate hands, called to me with her voice.

"_This is completely unnecessary."_ She smiled at me hopefully. _"You…just have to turn around and come back."_

The struggle between my want and her safety, my immortal need and her fragile humanity, was flaying me alive. Was there no relief?

"_You already know how I feel."_

Yes, I knew.

My scream echoed through the swamp, sending birds and animals fleeing.

"_You owe me an explanation," _she said.

"Please," I begged, "Can't you see how dangerous I am? I don't deserve you."

"_Are you trying to be funny?"_ Bella's ghostly image threw her hands on her hips. _"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time. You're good at everything."_

Even my made-up Bella couldn't see herself clearly. I itched my eyes, unsure if I was willing her apparition away or trying to make it corporeal.

"_What are you going to do?"_

What I did so many times before. Run. Only this time I locked down my body and ran into my mind. I must have resembled a gargoyle, a frozen monster peering down at the world. It was the only way I could keep from going back to her.

My hiding place was the past. That day…the curiosity, the animalistic ferocity of my craving…I'd wanted her more than I'd ever wanted anything.

I still did.

Every detail of that day passed before my unseeing eyes. I'd considered my hurried retreat cowardly at the time, now I realized it was only a manifestation of the protective instinct I had for Bella. That had been my first response – to protect her – even if it was only from the venomous thoughts of the children around her.

More memories…the delight in Tanya's eyes when I arrived at her home, the slow dulling of her happiness as I pulled away from her. The mistaken resolve to claim control of my life when all along it had been Bella's. From that first moment, that first look into the depths of her silent soul, I was hers.

Days passed, both inside and outside my thoughts; I was numbly aware of the world, but not a participant in it. The date, never important before, hung over me like a shroud. A week passed, and a new anniversary dawned, and the ache, the pull became unbearable.

_Not her._ The mental shout echoed through me, just like it had a year ago. My first reaction was to protect, again, but in the midst of crisis, fear, and relief, the heat of her body elicited another feeling. The moment was fleeting…I'd never examined it this closely. When I held her close, trapped under the twisted wreckage, the want became more than physical, and paradoxically more physical. Protection became…possession.

I didn't understand it then, but I'd already fallen for her. Here, in the soggy jungle I saw so clearly what had been obscured last January. Only Alice had seen the truth.

"_I don't know if you _can_ leave anymore,"_ she'd said, clinging to the dichotomy of Bella's future.

But I'd changed the future…and was still changing it. Bella had lived; she would live.

When the sun rose again, I blinked the dust out of my eyes. After a week spent as a statue – catatonic would be the human term – I finally woke. I hadn't been able to leave then, but I'd overcome that hurdle, barely.

Every day was an anniversary now, today marked the beginning of how I'd tried to coexist with Bella. Live next to her, but apart from her. Had I really thought _that_ difficult? What I wouldn't give to endure that 'hell' again. Her only words that day echoed through my head…

"_Hello, Edward."_ Her voice was pleasant, gracious. I hadn't even the manners to look at her. Course, I couldn't allow myself to even breathe around her back then.

A low growl made my head turn. I'd been frozen so long that the jungle had tightened its bubble around me. Less than a hundred yards away, a tapir limped toward the river, injured. It didn't sense the jaguar until it'd landed on the tapir's broad back.

As the cat pierced the tapir's skull with its long fangs and crushing bite, I couldn't help but admire his strength and grace.

"_What's your favorite?"_

Three simple words that brought reality crashing down around me. I was a hunter, just like the cat – I should be hunting him. No not him, _her_.

For the first time in over a week, Victoria invaded my thoughts, and I turned away from the cat tearing its prey apart. Yes, I was a hunter. Time to act like one.

* * *

"_Another year…"_

Not the future, but the past. Every day started the same. The sun rose, and Bella whispered those two words to me before throwing the memories of the previous February at me. I tried to shake her away, but she persisted, waiting for me in the remembered purgatory of high school.

Her hands always appeared so pale and fragile against the black counters of the biology lab. Biology…the irony of the two of us meeting in that class used to amuse me. Prey and predator sharing a table, fighting the biology of their species while studying the chemistry of life.

Chemistry, yes, but she was what I'd studied. Life was what she gave me. I prayed I could return the favor a little longer.

Water dripped through the trees onto me as I sulked, watching her fingers repeat those simple experiments, savoring the radiant heat of her body, so close to mine. Wishing it could be so again.

My amended promise to stay away for a year had gone by the wayside as I fought to make it even a month longer. Today would be particularly brutal. I'd moved north of Buenos Aires, looking for small, remote villages that Victoria might be terrorizing, having found no trace of her in the sprawling metropolis. It also got me away from the people and their affectionate ways. Yes, things here were different.

Today was February fourteenth – a day of no particular importance on the Argentinean calendar. The cultural differences only amplified the loss in this case. _The population here may not celebrate the commercialized Valentines Day, but the lack of personal space and easy displays of devotion make every day seem like a celebration of love._

The tiny village I'd visited was more like a large family than a neighborhood, and the recollection of _my_ family drove me into the hills.

The terrain here was much more rugged, more like the stereotypical rainforests seen on the Discovery Channel. The sun didn't reach the ground, even at high noon. But I'd known the exact moment it'd crossed the horizon.

"_Another year…"_

I'd started losing the battle against her pull this time last year. So many of the human boys had her on their mind on that day that it'd been irritating. As if any of them were worthy of her.

Their juvenile fantasies came to a head in biology. I'd arrived early, unable to stomach the humans fawning over each other in the cafeteria. Fawning over the girl, even if only in their fantasies.

I feigned reading, not looking up when the tokens arrived. To raise funds for the Prom, the student government had sponsored a candy sale. Jessica Stanley marched in with a box of heart-shaped suckers before class started and set them on Mr. Banner's desk.

"If you have a seating chart, I'll pass these out for you," she said, batting her eyelashes at the teacher.

_If only you paid as much attention to your homework as your makeup,_ he thought. I covered my smirk with my hand as he passed her the list. "Here you go, Ms. Stanley." He didn't look up, continuing his paperwork.

Jessica turned up her nose and turned to the tables. She worked her way through the empty class, setting one or two lollipops at various stations, commenting to herself about who seemed to be pursuing whom. At Newton's seat she took her time, hiding two of his gifts under the book on his desk, but leaving hers centered in front of his seat. _At least there's not one from Bella,_ she thought. I made a fist under my table before reminding myself that the girl didn't matter.

Jessica saved my table for last. The three suckers left in her box were all for Bella. She peeked at the names on the cards.

_Tyler, still apologizing, no doubt. Who else would spend money on her?_ Her curiosity went unsatisfied; the other two sweets were anonymous. She had no idea that Tyler's guilt had been overshadowed by an unrealistic fantasy that Bella actually favored him on a more personal level. As she guessed at who purchased the other gifts, I hid my smile. I knew exactly who'd sent them.

Eric had been too timid to sign his note, opting for the cold 'Your Friend' salutation, rather than anything bolder. The third card brought my teeth together with a snap. Mike Newton wasn't afraid to be bold. He was testing the waters with the girl, again. Admirer, indeed. He was so far beneath Bella, I was surprised he could even carry on a conversation with her.

Jessica glanced over at me and her heartbeat sped. _Could Edward?_ _No way. I'll ask Angela. Maybe she knows who bought these. _

Me? Why would she even consider that I would send the girl such a meaningless trifle? I hadn't spoken to Bella in weeks.

Stopping at the instructor's table, Jessica pulled one last sucker out of her pocket. "Happy Valentines Day, Mr. Banner," she said sweetly. _If I can butter the old guy up, maybe he'll cut me a break._

He didn't look up from the test he was grading. "Thank you, Ms. Stanley, the same to you."

She set the sucker on the desk in front of him, and then dashed out, grumbling about how ungrateful he was.

Mr. Banner glanced up at me, and seeing my disinterest, pulled the candy toward him. Jessica hadn't bothered to write on the card, and he slipped a black pen out of his shirt pocket.

_To Isabella, From…from?_ My nostrils flared at his thoughts. I'd heard his fondness for Bella in his thoughts, but had attributed it to pride; the adoration a teacher has for a good student. But there was more to the feeling, and even he refused to acknowledge it.

"Edward, would you bring me a triple-beam balance from the closet, please?" he said suddenly.

"Yes, sir," I said, obediently walking to the back of the room. Thinking himself unobserved, he slipped his unsigned token among the others on Bella's desk, then hurried back to his place.

I wondered who Bella would think sent it. But what Bella thought would never be known to me.

I delivered the unnecessary instrument to the front and then settled in my seat as the bell rang. Bella was one of the first to arrive, turning as pink as the candy when she saw the pile of sweets on her table. Flames scorched my throat and I looked away. _You'll live through this class,_ I promised her silently.

She unzipped her backpack and pulled out her notebook. Before she could sweep the candies into the bag, Newton jumped onto the corner of the table.

"Hey, Bella, did you get any Valentines?" His voice trailed off when he saw the pile.

"Um, yeah, I guess so." She threw them into the backpack and set it on the floor.

"You're not even going to read them?" _Who else is after her?_

Her cheeks turned from rosy to blazing red. I swallowed uncomfortably.

She buried her nose in her notes. "Later. Class is about to start." Attention always seemed to bother the girl, even if it was affection.

"Nah, we have a few minutes." With absolutely no sense of propriety, Newton jumped down, reached into her bag and put the gifts back on the table. "Wow, you have a lot."

Sighing, Bella picked up the first one. I watched her reaction through the cad's eyes. "This one's from Tyler." The unspoken 'of course' and eye roll told me she didn't find the gesture endearing.

Mike actually chuckled.

She continued. "This one is from 'An Admirer.'"

"How romantic," Mike said in what he thought was a sexy voice. In less than a second I could crush his windpipe, silencing that fake rasp forever.

"I suppose," Bella said, ignoring him. I fought back a laugh at her dismissal of his gift. "This one says 'Your Friend.'" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I wonder if that's Angela."

Her response, as usual, was completely unexpected. Angela and Bella had struck up a friendship and it was clear that Bella valued that relationship above most others.

Mike didn't hear her comment, thankfully. He would have misconstrued it, of that I had no doubt. "Who's the last one from?" he asked, wishing he'd signed his name.

She flipped the card open. "It's not signed. It's to _Isabella_." The little crease appeared between her eyebrows, the V that formed when she concentrated on something. Irrationally, I wanted to trace it with my finger.

"Who do you think that one's from? No one calls you Isabella any more." Then Mike glanced at me. _But it sounds like something Cullen would say._

Mike looked at her again, and much to my surprise, _her_ eyes darted in my direction. Did she suspect me of such a cowardly advance? Why did I want to smile at that fact?

She dismissed me with a minute shake of her head and tossed the candy back into the bag. "Class is starting, you'd better sit down," she said to the vile boy.

Mr. Banner smiled sweetly in her direction, noting the blush still lingering on Bella's cheeks. Just as Mrs. Cope said to herself when I was around, he reminded himself that Bella was less than half his age.

Half his age…she was closer to being his age than I ever would be. But on that day, a year ago, jealousy and love had started to war in my heart. I should have stopped it then.

As I drowned in the past, I alternately cursed myself for being too weak to walk away on the one hand, and for being too short-sighted to have wasted those days with her on the other. Those weeks passed with my silence – I could have been learning even more about her, had I the courage to talk to her. I was such a fool.

"_You try very hard to make up for something that wasn't your fault."_ She was always so forgiving.

I wasn't. I couldn't forgive myself for everything I'd put Bella through. I couldn't forgive Victoria, either.

Admitting defeat, I reached into my pocket. Victoria could hide from me forever. But there was one person she couldn't hide from. I dialed slowly, somewhat surprised that the phone didn't ring as I did.

"Hi," Alice answered.

I waited for an accusation or jibe, but none came. "Hi, Alice. You know why I'm calling."

"Yes. You're not doing well, Edward," she said sadly. "I miss you."

The anger and condemnation were absent from her tone. It'd been so long since I'd heard affection permeate her words that I couldn't help but return it. "I miss you, too, Sis."

"I can't talk you into coming home, just for a little while, can I?" I wondered if she knew that the defeat in her voice was more convincing than her anger.

I didn't bother to answer her question; she undoubtedly saw my course. "I need your help."

"I know." She clicked her nails against something hard. "You're not going to like this. I don't see you catching Victoria, Edward. I see you in Bella's bedroom. Every day you're gone, the vision gets clearer."

No snide comeback formed on my lips because I knew she was right. But I wasn't ready to give up. The longer I stayed away, the safer Bella would be. She wouldn't want me back, anyway, after what I'd done to her.

"Edward?" Alice asked, her concern snapping me back to reality.

"What about Victoria?" I pictured my sister's face and the blank stare that she'd be wearing as she searched the future for me.

"She's hard to see," Alice said, her frustration obvious. "I don't think she plans much; she seems to be rather impulsive. Wait… She's hunting."

She gasped. "It's hazy, but she's in a city near the water, the ocean, I think. It's warm, her victim was wearing light clothing. Victoria killed a girl…" her voice trailed off.

"Is there nothing else?" A coastal city could be anywhere.

"They are surrounded by colors…beads…and feathers? There's music, but the woman's screams are too loud. I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine." Alice had described a celebration of some kind… "Can you tell when this will happen?"

"It's quite a ways off, ten days, maybe two weeks? I could check again later and call you." Her intention to help seemed sincere.

"No, you've given me enough. I think I know where she's headed." Due east. "Thank you."

"Rio? Yes, it could have been Carnival. Where are you now?"

I pulled the phone back and looked at it in shock. No, I _was_ really talking to Alice. "You don't know?"

"You asked me not to watch you, and I've tried, Edward, I really have. I can't always ignore you, though, especially when you're hurting so much. I still think…" She stopped abruptly, and I heard rustling. "What I think doesn't matter any more. I truly want you to be happy, Edward. We all do."

My throat tightened. "Thank you, Alice." She shifted again, and I heard the murmur of conversation in the background. "I'm in northeast Argentina, I think."

Alice hadn't been watching me…what had she been doing?

Bella asked the question for me. _"So, did Alice see me coming?"_

"Huh. And no, I haven't been watching her either, though I've been tempted more than once to look."

"What have you been up to?" I tried to put some real interest into the question.

"I'm in Mississippi."

She didn't need to tell me why, and Bella didn't comment either, thankfully. "Have you found anything?"

"Some. I'll tell you when you come back," she giggled, not unkindly. "I borrowed your Mustang. Nice ride."

"It's yours."

"Thanks, but it's a little heavy in the corners for me. Maybe Jazz'll like it." A book closed. "Speaking of which, he's going to call in seven minutes."

"Not together on Valentines?" I wasn't surprised; candy and flowers weren't really Jasper's style.

"He had a test today. We'll celebrate when I get home." She paused, and I wondered if she was looking forward again. "You'll need fresh clothes when you get to São Paulo. Don't pass up the next jaguar you encounter. I'd wish you luck, but, well…"

"You don't see it helping. I understand. Thanks again, Alice. Take care." I rose as I spoke, getting my bearings so I could start the search again before I curled back into a ball and buried myself in memories.

"Goodbye," she said, the sadness returning.

I flipped the phone shut and tried to muster some enthusiasm for the coming run.

"_Run the whole way?"_ Bella said, her lips trembling. When her imagined lips neared mine, my knees buckled. When her fingers locked behind my neck, I backed into a tree, toppling it to the ground.

"_You'll be the death of me,"_ I'd whispered. I didn't know at the time how true those words were. There was no life for me without her.

* * *

My failure was complete. Victoria wasn't in Rio. I was beginning to think she'd never set foot on the continent.

My phantom Bella was becoming more and more demanding. _"You could have saved yourself all this regret."_

Fighting her siren's call every step of the way, it'd taken me nearly two weeks to cover the five-hundred miles to Rio de Janeiro. Carnival had already started when I arrived, turning the city's schedule on its head. The humans hibernated on the beach during the scorching daylight hours, sleeping and baking. It was after the sun had set that the reveling got into full swing. With temperatures approaching eighty degrees at midnight, there was no need for the people to change out of their string bikinis and t-shirts.

Even with so much available prey to choose from, Victoria should have been easy to find. Desperate for some tangent to take me away from my mental tour of the past, I surveyed parade routes, inspected floats, chased down nearly every feather in the city. But Carnival came and went with nary a hint of Victoria, and the memories of my growing infatuation with Bella strengthened.

In a last ditch attempt at locating the nomad, I scouted police headquarters. It didn't take long to discover the truth: according to the local authorities, this had been one of the most violence-free Carnival celebrations in recent memory. They joked that Lent must have come early. What they didn't know was that the lone vampire in attendance had given up humans decades ago, Lent aside.

_I would be sacrificing this year,_ I thought. Though Ash Wednesday would have been a fitting anniversary for me, it was the following day that marked the beginning of the end.

A year ago I'd succumbed, unable to ignore Bella any longer. How I wanted to do the same now. When night fell, I walked through the city, keenly aware of where the airport was, and exactly how long it'd take me to get there on foot.

"_What? Are you speaking to me again?" _she asked angrily, closing her eyes. She'd said the same words a year ago.

Charlie chimed in. _"I thought maybe that Mike Newton…"_

Newton…I wanted to say he was the reason I'd broken my silence with Bella last year, but it was really my weakness.

Bella's arms opened to me, beckoning. Her imaginary heat swirled around me. _"I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."_

I ducked down an alley, as if I could hide from her. A year, a month, a week…I wasn't sure I could make it a day.

"_Edward, please…"_

My finger burned, remembering when I'd touched her lips. _Oh, Bella…_

"You're ready now, then?" I said, wishing she'd deny me.

"_A girl can dream."_

In the days that followed, I was only able to force myself to search for an hour or two, checking out the now decaying decorations one last time. Bella filled the rest of my hours, getting closer and closer as I remembered those days – and nights.

I'd started watching her sleep a year ago. Sitting in her room, breathing her scent, listening to her mumbled dreams.

"_Come back,"_ she said, showing me how she'd tossed and turned after her trip to First Beach. That defining trip where she'd learned what I really was. _"Come back."_

Next came the anniversary of the awful night in Port Angeles. Human predators had cornered her, and I barely made it to her in time. And yet, with all her fear, her frailness, what were the first words out of her mouth?

"_Are you okay?"_

So selfless, so trusting. Bella looked at me from the passenger seat of my car, her hair wind blown, her hands healing, and she smiled.

I made my way away from the beach, heading into the poorest parts of the city to hide. With no leads, I had nowhere else to go. My thirst loomed large, but I had no desire to hunt. I should have separated myself from the humans, but I knew if I ran into the wild lands again, I wouldn't stop. Not until I reached the cold, wet forests of Forks.

The anniversaries continued, getting more personal, more sensual…

No one questioned me as I climbed the stairs of the decrepit tenement, nor did they take notice when I jumped into the attic.

I huddled in the attic, waiting for the latest memory to hit, the one that had me hugging my legs to prevent me from giving in.

March twelfth. The meadow.

I'd come so close that day to ending her life. Or had I?

She knelt in front of me, her face glowing in the sun. With a deep breath she leaned in close, her lips parting, her throat inches from my teeth.

_Lub dub, lub dub,_ her heart sped up, calling to me. The skin on her neck pulsed, exuding an aroma more enticing than anything else on earth. _So close…she wouldn't have time to feel any pain._

But I didn't imaging biting her…not at first. To feel her flesh against my lips, taste her skin with my tongue, that's what I wanted. The bite would follow, of that I had no doubt, but it was carnal desire that gave me that tenth of a second's hesitation. That fraction of time to separate myself.

Now, as I huddled in the dust and grime, ignoring the babble of a hundred minds, I wondered if I would have killed her. Only moments later I had my head on her chest, her heart beating so loudly that it echoed in my head. She was so warm, so soft, and so beautiful.

_Of course I would have killed her – that's what I am, a blood-thirsty killing machine!_

I ached to feel her head on my chest again, to feel her hair against my cheek. Would she leap at me the way she had that next morning, jumping into my arms and pressing her lips to mine? The thought seemed to erase all my pain, close the chasm in my chest.

"_You left!"_ she scolded, running a fiery finger over my collar.

"Does it matter?" I asked timidly.

"_Not really."_ She held perfectly still, waiting for me to kiss her.

To be healed, to have her…it was more than I could stand. It wouldn't be long now.

_Just one more day._ Could I deprive her of danger for one more day? Another hour? I wrapped my arms around my legs, wishing to become the statue again.

"_Will I see you tomorrow?"_ she asked, the smell of her tears overwhelming me.

My forehead crashed against my knees. I couldn't say _no_.

* * *

_End Notes:_

_The next chapter can be found at Stephenie Meyer's website: www dot stepheniemeyer dot com. Look under the New Moon tab for Extras - You'll find 'Rosalie's News' (what would be the next chapter here) 'Miscalculation' is also wonderful, I highly recommend it!__  
_

_The timelines between twilight and new moon parallel each other quite closely – SM was quite a genius with that! One anniversary that we didn't see: March 16, 2005, the day Bella went to the ballet studio. What day did she jump off the cliff?_

_March 16, 2006_

_Next chapter: we're off to Italy!_


	14. Dead Man Walking

_Author's Notes:_

_Thanks to all of you reading, reviewing, and crying along with me. Unfortunately, I can no longer respond to every review - I'm really bummed about that, but know that I read every one, and respond when I can (and when I'm not writing 8-) !! I appreciate all your notes and comments, and try to answer all questions I get. _

_We've finally made it to Italy! Don't celebrate too much - Bella is still on the plane somewhere..._

_I continue to thank and be thankful for my wonderful betas, NoMoreThanUsual and Roo. They keep the story running smoothly and in voice, as well as catch those niggly canon issues that try to slip in. You ladies are wonderful!_

_Thanks also to xEternallyDazzledx over on youtube for creating a trailer for this story! Check out the video on youtube.  
_

_Another great video is'Was It A Dream' by 1hopelessromantic - It is a visualization of "Rosalie's News" over on Stephenie Meyer's website. YOU DID GO READ THAT, RIGHT?_

_If you search for the authors' names, I think you'll find the videos.  
_

_And finally, mood music:_

_for the first half: "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult_

_and for the end: "You Found Me" by The Fray:_

_In the end  
Everyone ends up alone  
Losing her  
The only one who's ever known  
Who I am  
Who I´m not, who I wanna be  
No way to know  
How long she will  
be next to me

* * *

  
_

_Remember, this follows "Rosalie's News" on Stephenie Meyer's website.  
_

**Dead Man Walking**

Black. Nothing. Empty.

I stared out of the plane's window at the fading twilight. Where stars and a moon should be appearing, I saw nothing.

I was nothing.

Bella was gone, taking everything with her when she'd leapt to her death. Her voice, her image, her scent...everything she'd given me was taken with her into the void. She didn't even leave me any pain. Selfless to the end, she refused me punishment for my sins.

Nothing.

There was no 'why,' no 'how could she.' I could never have predicted she would commit suicide; but when had I ever been able to anticipate her responses? Only one truth remained: no matter what her reasons were for jumping, I had to be at fault.

Even the 'what ifs' were meaningless. _She's dead, Edward._ That's all that mattered.

And yet I felt nothing. I _wanted_ to hurt, to burn, to suffer...but that would give me a reason to continue my worthless existence. I was more than willing to spend an eternity in pain after leaving her to such a dreadful fate, but where was the justice in that? No, I'd earned this emptiness, but couldn't endure it. If only I could take my own life as Bella had.

As the blackness wrapped its cold fingers around me, a fiery poker touched the back of my hand. I remained motionless as the human's thoughts leaked into my consciousness.

_...cold. God, is he even alive?_ The young woman next to me removed her finger and lifted it to the flight attendant call button.

"Did you need something?" I said, not bothering to look at the woman.

She jumped, knocking out her ear buds. _Dude, he's awake!_ "You didn't seem to be breathing," she said in a Texas accent, her hand on her chest. "I was worried you might be sick."

I took a breath so I could reply. "I'm fine."

_You don't look fine...you look...dead._ "Oh, okay." She went back to her book and I went back to...nothing.

Why I continued to look through her eyes, I'll never know, but what I saw actually made my head turn. She was reading about Volterra, trying to make a decision.

She glanced at me, then back down to the page. "Have you ever been to Italy before?"

"No." I'd only seen the country through Carlisle's memories.

Her disappointment came out as a sigh. "Bummer. I was hoping to get some help deciding which excursion to take." _Volterra sounds like one of those medieval castles, maybe I'll do that._

"Sorry." My gaze didn't waver from her book, though, and she interpreted my stare as interest.

"See, I won this trip on the Internet." She held up a brochure with a stone clock tower on the cover. "My travel agent suggested this tour, to a town called Volterra, but since he also routed me through Rio, I'm not sure I should take his advice." Her hand came up to cover a yawn. "I was thinking of going to Florence, instead."

"May I?" I held out my hand for the flyer. As expected, a small map on the back pinpointed the tiny town, describing its proximity to both Florence and Rome. It wouldn't take me long to cover the two hundred miles on foot.

She pointed at the paper. "It looks like a quaint village, but Florence is only a little further from Rome." Another brochure appeared in her hands. _And David is there,_ she thought. Her cheeks pinked as she compared the naked statue's face to mine. "I'm Marcy, by the way."

I set the brochure back on her stack of papers, the name of the tour company catching my eye. Venoso Travels. Surely the Volturi weren't that obvious. Lying next to the pamphlets on her tray table was a card with a photo on the cover. Two young boys smiled broadly above the scrawled caption. _Miss you Mommy_.

"I'd go to Florence, if it was my choice." At this point I had no choices.

"A friend of mine said there's a great restaurant in Volterra. It's apparently inside the prison of all places. It's run by the inmates on some kind of rehabilitation program. She heard the food was great, though." _I wonder if the customers get to use knives or not._

"I wouldn't know." My interest in the woman's papers waned and I grabbed the headphones out of the pocket in front of me. Pretending to plug them into the plane's audio system, I turned back to the black window.

"Well, thanks. You might want to try channel 14 - Hanson's _Dream Girl_ is on the play list." Her thoughts wandered to a young, blond singer. The lustful fantasy faded with a pang of guilt as she played with her wedding ring.

A different dirge played through my mind.

_"He's at the funeral."_

The empty words were all I had left. Spoken by an unknown man a half a world away, they should cause some reaction, some agony. I bit my lip, trying to force the emotions to come.

"Would you like something to drink, sir?" a different voice said.

"No, nothing," I said, releasing my lip. The cut I'd made, but not felt, sealed itself immediately. Not having the pain to punish me was a hell worse than any eternal fire.

The woman next to me turned her attention to the flight attendant, finding someone more amenable to her musical tastes. I turned back to the blackness of the plane's window and pulled the blanket up over my shoulders. It provided no warmth, of course, only privacy as I hid my face and pretended to sleep. My eyes remained open, mirroring the night as I prepared myself.

The facts were simple. I lived. She didn't.

For months the only thing I saw when my eyes closed was Bella's face. Now she was gone. All that was left was black emptiness. I didn't even bother to breathe, losing interest in the masquerade I'd been living for a century. The constant buzz of thoughts floated far away, hardly noticeable in the void that my mind had become. My only function left on earth was to occupy space.

This remaining time of my existence would be spent on one task: orchestrating my demise. Unlike Bella, I had to rely on others to do what I couldn't. It shouldn't be hard - the Volturi were decisive and swift when it came to punishing those they deemed 'law breakers' - and there was only one law to break: _Keep the secret_.

The options were endless. As the plane started its descent, I considered how many ways I could accomplish my goals. I should've bought a comic book - then I'd have detailed instructions. There's always the classics: "Faster than a speeding bullet; more powerful than a locomotive; able to leap tall buildings in a single bound." All things I could do with ease, I just had to ensure a living, breathing, pulsing, audience.

But I had to guarantee the _only_ end result would be my termination. No one else could suffer from the mistakes I made. Enough had suffered already.

While the simplest tack would be to blatantly commit an atrocity, I had to ensure that my actions would not have any unintended consequences. The witnesses to my final sin would be safe; the Volturi couldn't risk a mass extermination in their own front yard. My feats would be explained away as the ravings of a drug-amplified madman, and I would disappear in a puff of violet smoke.

But the talents of the Volturi were legendary - much greater than mine - so I had to assume that they would learn of my familial connections. Only _I_ was to be punished, no one else, and I had to protect my family. I owed them that much.

Then there was Alice. She had to know where I was and what I was planning. I winced at the knowledge that she would witness my demise in crystal clear detail, in fact probably already had, but some things could not be avoided. I wished she would stay away, but I knew my closest sister as well as she knew herself. She was following me, of that I had no doubt. I wouldn't have much time.

I gritted my teeth. I should have called her, convinced her to stay away, but it was too late. My phone was gone, along with the rest of my things. All I had left filled my pockets; a passport, a little cash, a credit card. But what did it matter? Alice wouldn't listen to me. She would defy her own vision to try and help, just like she'd tried to help Bella.

But how could I protect my family yet meet my end? I would have to approach the Volturi first.

I pinched my eyes shut, forcing Carlisle's memories of the brothers out of the blackness of my thoughts. Aro, Marcus, and Caius were ancient - thousands of years old. Carlisle had spent much of his time in Italy in Aro's company. Aro's ability was also to read minds, but through direct physical contact with the one he wished to read. It was a foregone conclusion that I would have to reveal my thoughts to him, displaying openly the love I have - _had_ - for Bella and for my family. Surely being on the receiving end of the invasion I committed constantly should stir a reaction. Fear, worry, anticipation...something.

Nothing.

My thoughts blanked as I listened for Bella's whisper, searching for one last memory of her pink cheeks. All I saw was black, the black of Aro's hair.

The questions would come after I opened myself to him; the inquisition a requirement to obtaining my goal. I took a deep breath trying to steady myself for what would be a difficult conversation. Would my connection to Carlisle help or hinder me? Aro seemed to respect Carlisle, but found his sense of morality and his chosen lifestyle... lacking. If I hid my knowledge of my family - if it were even possible - but was then found out, the results could be catastrophic. My deception would entice them to hunt my family, and the result being... I shivered to even think about what would happen.

If I could just convince Aro that I was alone now and that my family had nothing to do with my desire for my end, they would be safe. That way, if my request is denied, I could to force their hand without any unintended repercussions. Alice, especially, would suffer so much more than she deserved by my decision; I had to protect her and the others.

I barely noticed when my nothingness moved from the inside of a plane to the faceless bustle of Rome. Mindlessly, I ran, caring little for the curious looks that strayed in my direction. No one who saw me would recognize me, not that it would matter if they did. Urban congestion became rural sprawl as I flew to the northwest. Any other time, running at this clip would have exhilarated me; now it, like everything else, was meaningless. I slowed only when the Volterra city gate rose above me, devoid of any emotion, a zombie. Soon there would be peace. There had to be.

The sleeping town was adorned with flags and banners, dressed for a party. I forced myself to read the Italian printing, unable to appreciate the irony. Tomorrow would be Saint Marcus Day, the celebration of the eradication of vampires from the city. _Plenty of witnesses, should the need arise_, I thought. Though my demise was ensured, I felt no comfort.

The castle rose above the other buildings, a dark, foreboding stronghold looming in the night. The clock in the square tolled 1:00 am as the nondescript entrance to the Volturi's home came into view. Behind the benign glass doors I heard a plethora of vampire minds, but it was the one outside the building that caught my attention.

_Chi é questo?_ a nearby mind thought. A gray-cloaked figure drifted down from the towering castle wall and approached me.

"_Buon giorno, il mio amico_," he said cordially. I understood his greeting and his matching Italian thoughts, translating both easily. _Clean cut, a bit wrinkled, American,_ he assumed as he gazed at me from under his large hood. He noted my eyes. _This one is thirsty, looking for a free meal, no doubt..._

His reaction caught me off guard. I _was_ thirsty, but that desire, like everything else, had vanished with those fateful words. When was the last time I hunted? It was of no consequence now.

"_Signore_," I answered without breaking stride. I didn't have much time before Alice would catch up with me.

The vampire blocked my path and another cloaked figure appeared behind me. "You seem to know where you are going. What is your business in Volterra?" he said in English. His voice became more authoritative as he spoke, with only a hint of an Italian accent remaining. He evaluated me in a new way, listening with a different part of his mind. In other circumstances I would have taken more interest, tried to decipher what was presumably his talent, but any curiosity was lost to the void.

"I wish to speak to Aro," I said as I stared directly into his dark crimson eyes. _I'm not the only one who's thirsty_.

The vampire behind me snorted._ Confident, aren't we_, he thought.

The one in front voiced his thoughts. "That's quite presumptuous of you. What's your name?"

_I don't have time for this... _ "Edward Cullen. And you are?" I said firmly, waiting to see his reaction. Few vampires bothered with surnames, the concept of family didn't exist to them. This was the first test of Carlisle's influence.

The vampire's nostrils flared in contempt. Maybe provoking the guard would be my _only_ option...

"Should I know you, Edward _Cullen_?" The last word rolled off his tongue like a curse, but stirred a memory for him. A rumor he'd heard... His eyes grew wide, and he glanced quickly to the vampire behind me. _Cullen...not the animal lovers...could the stories be true?_ The same thoughts filled both men's minds.

The cloaked figure blocking my path reconsidered his rudeness. "I am Demetri," he said, pausing as he considered me again. "Perhaps Aro would like to see a Cullen. Follow me."

We passed a single guard inside the door - a human male clad in a red jacket - and took an elevator to the second floor in silence. The lift opened to an elegant reception area, and I saw another human - a female this time - behind the opulent desk. She, too, evaluated me as we approached, but unlike the man below, she knew exactly what I was. The Volturi had quite a façade cultivated here, employing humans as part of their cover, but I dismissed it. Only one thing was important to me.

"Good evening, Demetri," she said pleasantly. She looked at me again, and I could hear the desire in her thoughts to become what I was: beautiful and immortal. A glimmer of memory sparked in my mind. Were these the same thoughts that Bella had? Her name echoed in my empty brain, bringing none of the joy or longing I'd known for the past fourteen months.

_"She's dead, Edward." _

_"He's at the funeral."_

"Hello, Gianna." Demetri and his companion both lowered their hoods as he spoke, slowing only for a moment. "Wait here, Edward," Demetri commanded, then shot a look at his comrade who motioned me to one of the opulent couches in the room.

I obediently sat on the one he indicated and stared blankly at the flowers on the table in front of me. The colors blurred as I ignored my eyesight and focused on the buzz of thoughts in the room beyond. I easily found the men who would hold my fate in their hands.

Aro and Caius were engaged in conversation over a rash of suspicious killings in Mexico. Only one of those in attendance was participating in the conversation, a woman dressed in a charcoal gray cloak. The Volturi 'brothers' were adorned in long, midnight black robes, two shades darker than Demetri's dark gray cloak, others wore conventional clothing. The crowd surrounding the two was made up of personal protectors, trackers, and members of the elite guard. None spoke unless first addressed by one of the brothers.

I recognized one of the elite from Carlisle's memory - a girl named Jane. Carlisle only knew her by reputation; she apparently had the ability to cause physical pain in others; to torture them. Because of her talent she was the most feared of the elite guard, even though she was only a child when she was changed. Next to her stood her twin brother, Alec, whose ability to disable the senses of another was equally as powerful as Jane's, though less painful. I should fear the twins - one or both of them would probably be loosed on me - but self-preservation had been the first thing to fall into the abyss of nothingness.

I focused briefly on Caius. He was intently analyzing Aro's every word, continually measuring the information he received against any threat of vampire exposure. His gift was not apparent to me, though I found it unlikely that he was without some extraordinary talent. Caius envisioned a strategy for quelling any threats in Mexico, remembering past disturbances in the region.

Behind Aro and Caius, a group kept quiet guard around Marcus. Marcus was not part of the conversation, rather, he sat quietly in a richly upholstered chair at the end of the room. I was surprised by what I heard in his mind, because it was all but blank. He looked upon the room, ignoring what his eyes showed him. The sight was enigmatic...glowing trails interlocked the vampires, some thin wisps, other bright beams varying from blue to red. The web centered on Aro and Caius, who were connected by a nearly tangible white spotlight. Marcus' blue bond thinly held him to his brothers.

Carlisle had known that Marcus possessed a gift, though it had never been revealed. I assumed the lights Marcus saw represented some kind of connection or link between the vampires, but didn't care to investigate it further. Only the unique red light connecting Jane to Alec made me pause. The wisps connecting the younger vampires to the ancients were also white, with hints of orange where it touched the twins.

As I focused on Marcus, the blankness in his mind was suddenly replaced by a deep sorrow, and I caught my breath at the shift. Marcus' blue connection suddenly brightened. He suffered intensely, but the cause eluded me. The sensation was familiar, but distant. I envied him his grief; I wished for such punishment, but received none. The void took my last chance at penance; I prayed that it would swallow the rest of me as well.

Demetri entered the brothers' room. Red curtains trimmed in gold covered all the walls; an elaborate parquet floor hid the stone beneath. I could see through his eyes that the high ceiling was supported by a complicated web of carved beams, giving the chamber an air of a throne room or cathedral. Demetri approached the three Volturi reverently, waiting to be recognized.

He didn't have to wait long, as Caius immediately noticed his entry. _Demetri..What brings you in from patrol? _Caius wondered. A hint of concern laced his quiet thoughts.

My focus shifted to the dark-haired ancient next to Caius. "Yes?" Aro asked, regarding the new arrival. All conversation in the room stopped.

Demetri bowed his head solemnly. "Masters. A new vampire has arrived and requests an audience with Aro. His name is Edward Cullen."

The brothers exchanged a glance and though memories of Carlisle appeared in Aro's mind, it was my first name that piqued his interest. Listening to his thoughts required more attention on my part, having to translate the mixture of languages floating through his mind, including ancient Latin.

_"Edward _Cullen? Interesting," Aro said, stepping toward Demetri with his hand raised. He wanted to read his minion's thoughts, to see my image for himself. Demetri took a single step and also raised his hand. As they touched, I heard Aro's mind fill with sights and sounds well beyond what I sensed in Demetri's head.

I gasped as I realized that he was receiving all of Demetri's thoughts: all his memories, all his ideas, even all his fantasies, from the beginning of his life. Aro _was_ powerful - more so than even Carlisle had realized. Reflexively, I leaned over my knees and pinched the bridge of my nose - I would have to bare it_ all_ to Aro. As I pondered the consequences of sharing everything in my mind with him, he finished reading Demetri.

Aro looked up and they each took a step back. Excitement colored Aro's voice. "Yes, interesting. Finally! Something new. Please, show our young friend in."

I stood as Demetri came to collect me. I had no choice but to follow; only one path lay before me now.

He led me through two ornate wooden doors into a long hallway. I could see in his mind that he could sense exactly where Aro was, and that Caius was near him. Briefly I wondered if this was what he'd been doing to me before, marking me somehow with his mind, but it mattered not. Ahead of us were two doors, covered in gold. The end was near.

Demetri was curious to see what had brought me here; he assumed that I wanted to join this powerful coven. I frowned at the thought - he couldn't be more wrong. We passed a panel secreting another door, and he fondly remembered how he and his comrades slaughtered their prey in the room hidden behind it. I snorted, and he glanced back over his shoulder at me, surprised at my reaction.

He opened one gilded door, ushered me in, and then stepped around me, leaving his comrade outside the room. As Demetri moved forward, he glanced back slightly, inviting me to follow behind. Some of the vampires in the room showed interest as we passed; others purposely ignored me, including Caius.

Marcus regarded me briefly with disinterest. None of the glowing threads of light that he saw touched me; he only saw a faint crimson glow around me.

Aro's gaze fell on me as I entered and only intensified as we approached. When we stopped before him, everyone turned their attention to their black-haired master.

"Good morning, Edward," Aro said smoothly. The curiosity in his thoughts was so strong, I was sure that everyone in the room knew exactly what he was thinking.

I leaned my head forward in response. Aro's questions filled my mind, and I waited for the inquisition to begin.

"You know Carlisle, I take it. How is my old friend?" Aro asked. He peered into my ebony eyes, disappointed that he couldn't discern my diet.

"Carlisle is well, I believe."

_Believe?_ "You are his creation then," Aro surmised, and I dropped my head again in affirmation. "Tell me, Edward, does he still refrain from human blood?" _Surely not_, he thought.

"Yes. Carlisle has never fed from a human. I strive to follow his example." _At least I used to..._

A low murmur made its way through the assembly.

Aro hid his shock well._ Three and a half centuries...I underestimated him._ "Interesting. So what brings you to our humble home today, Edward?"

"I have a request." I paused. The mention of Carlisle's beliefs suddenly made the words extremely difficult to voice. I knew how much he would disapprove of my decision to exit this world.

Aro studied my expression briefly. "Do not distress words, Edward, there is a much simpler way. Please, come closer." He raised his hand, requesting to hear my thoughts. The intensity of his curiosity was palpable. "Carlisle no doubt told you of my gift."

"Yes." I considered for a moment. Aro would see it all, my family, my love, my pain. Would he see Bella, pull her image out of the abyss? A flicker of something...not hope, but maybe anticipation...licked the edges of my consciousness as I stepped forward.

Perhaps this was for the best - he couldn't help but understand if he did see it all. And though it may seem I that had the option, Aro's thoughts made it clear that he would not continue any discussion with me if I refused him. _It would bring the end sooner, _I thought_._ My hand rose to meet his, following Demetri's example.

His touch was so light that it barely registered on my skin. Aro bowed his head over our hands, concentrating intently as my past repeated itself before his eyes. In his mind I reviewed my life; the first one hundred years flying by at high speed. My blurry human life passed in a blink, only to be replaced by my immortal family's faces as they flashed repeatedly in the echo of my thoughts...then _she_ appeared.

I hadn't seen Bella's face in my mind since the fateful phone call, and I savored her image. That first touch in biology, her innocence in the meadow, the sound of her screams in the ballet studio, her sorrow in the forest - each memory flashed by as fast as the others, but it was like I was seeing them for the first time. The pain filled me as the pictures of her rolled through Aro's mind...but it vanished again at the sound of the man's words of just hours ago.

"_He's at the funeral._"

Everything returned to black. It was over. Aro dropped his hand and stared at me as he sorted through the myriad of thoughts. The curiosity in his eyes was replaced with amazement. He'd discovered my talent, and was impressed. But there was more... his thoughts swirled, trying to hide his other discovery from me.

"Well, you are a quite a find, aren't you, Edward." He paused and gazed intently into my eyes. _You can truly read minds from a distance?_ he thought.

"Only what you are thinking at the moment," I answered indifferently.

Caius eyed me suspiciously. "What is this?" he growled, as Aro chuckled.

"Edward has an exceptional gift, dear brother. He can hear thoughts, but without the necessity of contact. What a wonderful talent." Aro's voice grew more serious. "You may think yourself limited, but on the contrary, your gift is quite powerful."

"Why have you come to us today, Edward?" Caius was more wary now.

Aro looked expectantly at me, though he already knew why I was here. He was forcing me to say the words. I turned to Caius. "I'm here to end my existence."

Caius' expression changed to surprise. "You wish to die?"

"Yes." Several of the guard immediately imagined dispatching me in their minds, more than happy to oblige me. Maybe this wouldn't be so difficult after all.

Caius was still cautious, though confused. The only vampires he'd seen ask for death were those who'd been hunted down for one offense or another. Jane had tortured these wrongdoers as they were dismembered, and many had begged for death in the end. A quiet request for death had never been heard. "Why?"

"Does it matter?" I asked, my somber voice echoing through the chamber. The words were familiar, but I couldn't place them.

Caius didn't care for my apathetic attitude and prepared a scathing retort, but Aro cleared his throat, interrupting him. His thoughts had moved to a different subject. "You've experienced _la tua cantante_, and resisted?" he said.

Everyone's eyes turned to me, fascinated, as their master shook his head and continued. "No, not just resisted, you embraced her, loved her, _tasted_ her?" His voice filled with awe, but his words stung. The Italian description he used for Bella, _my singer_, was so appropriate given how her blood, her touch, her soul had called to me like the most beautiful music. Soon the crowd started whispering, incredulous. Aro's thoughts followed suit; his were the only ones that mattered to me.

"Yes," I answered. The murmuring grew louder and Aro raised his hand. The room immediately became silent. _What a waste,_ he thought.

"And even though you left Bella to her fate, you still wish to end your existence now that she may be gone."

"She _is_ gone," I said, looking more intently into his murky eyes.

"And this is why you wish to die?" Caius added. _Fine, let him die. We have more pressing issues to attend to._

"Yes."

"But what of Alice's visions? She's seen you with Bella in the future, has she not? How can that be if the girl is dead?" The strange thoughts crept into Aro's mind again, and he tried to hide them as he had before. It was more than curiosity... want? Greed?

Caius interrupted my concentration. "Who is this Alice, Aro?" he asked impatiently, mirroring the confusion of the crowd.

Aro's eyes didn't leave mine as he answered. "Alice is another talented member of Carlisle's family. She has the ability to see into the future and foresaw Bella's death. She has also had many other visions of Bella that show her very much alive, even becoming one of us, which Edward has seen in her mind."

As he spoke, the images of Bella in her graduation robes hugging me, Bella leaning in to kiss me in a white wedding gown, Bella with ruby eyes and pale skin, arm in arm with Alice; these visions were repeated in Aro's mind, making his point. I winced, knowing that they would never be. More air made a useless trip through my lungs.

"Alice's visions are based on choices. The future she sees changes with each decision." At the moment, my future would be a cloudy haze in her mind until Aro made up his mind.

Aro's thoughts became more curious about Alice. Caius was becoming alarmingly interested in Carlisle, about how big his coven had grown.

_No, not them, this isn't about them._ I frowned. This was exactly what I'd wanted to avoid.

Aro's thoughts re-focused on me. "But _you_ never saw the vision of Bella jumping off the cliff." he said.

"No," _thankfully._ I pitied Alice, having to endure so many tragic events.

"And yet you are convinced that Bella is dead?"

"Yes." The voice on the phone had confirmed it. Charlie was attending her funeral - what more proof did I need?

"So you've lost your mate, and have no desire to continue living," Caius summarized.

"Yes."

_A familiar story_, Caius thought, and he glanced back to Marcus. I realized it was the death of Marcus' mate that put him in his stupor, and he'd remained there ever since. I glanced at the dark figure in the chair, understanding him better than anyone else in the room. He personified the future I was trying desperately to avoid.

As Aro studied my face again as he slowly shook his head. "This is unprecedented, Edward." He paused, and I heard something new in his mind - envy. Aro wanted my gift... He again struggled to turn his thoughts elsewhere when my expression reflected my understanding. He looked at Caius.

"We need to discuss this." Caius frowned as Aro continued. "Demetri, please escort Edward to the city gate and wait there with him. We'll send Felix to collect you when we've decided."

Demetri nodded slightly and held out his hand, directing me out. As we exited I heard Aro explaining to Caius that the distance was necessary to negate my ability. Again I could hear longing in his voice.

I stayed focused on the Volturi's thoughts as we exited the building.

_"Why did he bother asking?" Caius inquired._

_"Edward is worried about the repercussions of taking matters into his own hands. His loyalty to Carlisle and his coven is as strong as most mating bonds. He has a deep connection to them," Aro explained, touching Marcus's hand as he spoke, ignoring the torrent of Marcus's past and reading his evaluation of me._

_Caius still couldn't understand Aro's hesitancy. "Are they encouraging him to do this?"_

_"No, in fact they would stop him if they could. His coven is quite unique - Carlisle has created and attracted a diverse group of talented vampires." His thoughts drifted toward Alice, wondering about the extent of her gift. _

I sighed - this was not what I wanted. Their thoughts grew faint as we quickly crossed the city.

_"How many are in his coven?" Caius asked with some alarm, but Aro held up his hand, refusing to answer._

_I could tell that Caius was willing to give me my peace - he saw me as a trivial being of no consequence. He didn't see any benefit in adding another mind reader to the guard, but my death would provide useful training practice._ _"Are you in favor of granting his request?" he asked._

Their thoughts faded from my mind before I heard Aro's response. _Dammit_.

The moon crept over the buildings, lighting the city with its glow as it rose. Demetri led me to a small alcove near the entrance where we could stand and wait. No one human was awake in this part of the city, and only Demetri's curiosity kept my mind from being completely blank. He had his own questions, but didn't voice them, so I didn't answer. The sound of the crickets was what I concentrated on, their rhythmic chirps counting down the end of my time.

The sky had turned navy blue by the time Felix came into range of my ability. "They've decided," I warned Demetri.

He looked at me doubtfully, but then Felix rounded the corner closest to us. "It's time," he said.

The assembly room had been cleared since I'd last been here; only Aro, Caius, and their personal guard remained. Only the two ancients knew what my fate was to be, the other vampires in attendance were as curious as I was. Most wished for the same violent outcome I did, seeing my demise as a spark of entertainment in a rather dull, sedentary life.

"My dear Edward, welcome back!" Aro said with enthusiasm. "Your wait wasn't too inconvenient, I hope."

"Hmph," I snorted, noting Caius' sneer.

_Arrogant child,_ he thought.

"I'm afraid you'll have to wait just a few moments longer," Aro continued, almost jovially. "There is another matter I'd like to discuss with you first." He let his offer to join the Volturi slide through his thoughts.

I didn't hesitate in my response. "No, thank you."

"You haven't even heard..." Caius started before Aro raised his hand. Before Caius could protest, his brother tapped his forehead. "Of course," he said, rolling his eyes. _You read the question in my brother's uncontrolled thoughts._

Unfortunately, Aro's thoughts were far from uncontrolled; I still couldn't sense if he'd grant my request.

"You must understand what an honor it is to be extended this opportunity. The last to receive such quick acceptance were Jane and Alec," Aro said.

Jane winced at Aro's comparison. _He's offering him a spot with the guard? Surely not..._ "Master?"

"Don't worry, dear one, your place is well secured. But talent such as Edward's doesn't cross our path often." Aro's gaze didn't waver. _There's much here for you to learn; you'd be well compensated for your time._ He pictured the archive he'd compiled in another part of the castle that included works of art, lost texts, and priceless artifacts. A short string of unfamiliar syllables ran through his head - in Etruscan, I decided.

_There's so much I could teach you, Edward. You would even be allowed to continue your...alternative eating habits...should you so desire. _He envisioned me in a cape as dark as Jane's, standing in the place he saw as highest, at his right hand, feeding him the thoughts of everyone around him.

He had no intention of giving me anything else.

My temper took over. "I have no desire to be anyone's personal listening device, though I could see why the idea is enticing." I smirked at Jane, implying her thoughts _should_ be monitored. I got exactly the reaction I wanted.

"Why you _insolent_..." She took a step forward, prepared to give me the pain I so richly deserved. She glanced behind me at Felix, hoping he would finish the job once she'd had her fun.

I braced myself for the end, but it, too, was denied me.

"Stop!" Aro commanded, freezing everyone in the room. _Cunning_, he thought. "If that is your decision, then so be it." His friendly mood cooled. "We deny your request. To end your life would be...wasteful," he concluded. "You are free to go, Edward."

He waited for a response, but all he saw was my back as I stalked away.

_I told you,_ Caius thought.

Aro tried one last time. "Oh, and my dear Edward, I know what you're planning. Should you act against us, you _will_ meet the fate you desire. But be so warned: You'll have to forego the unnatural philosophy of your family to do it. Should you find that...unpalatable...I would be happy to extend my offer to you again." A whisper of a thought followed the statement, another alternative, it seemed, but he squelched it before I could derive its full meaning.

"We'll see about that," I retorted, then slammed the door behind me.

The Volturi's thoughts became a dull hum in the blackness of my mind as I left the castle. They'd send someone to follow me soon enough; I had no doubt. I stayed near the buildings as the sky lightened with the coming dawn. The city was awakening, and as I walked aimlessly, I watched workers clean the streets and collect garbage in preparation for the day's festival. Soon the streets would be filled with innocent humans, oblivious to the superior species all around them. They would be the witnesses who would guarantee my fate.

I approached the main plaza with its enormous fountain and clock tower and located a shaded corner. Instinctively I curled my body into a ball at the foot of the stone wall. I tried to remember Bella's face again, but the image wouldn't come. After all I'd done, she'd finally left me completely and I turned to more pressing needs. How would I end this meaningless existence?

Any number of superhuman feats would draw enough attention that the Volturi would have to act quickly. But Aro was right, the most decisive action would be to hunt - expose these ignorant humans to the monsters who lived side by side with them. The guard would have no choice, then. It would be minutes before I became ash.

I tried to steel myself against the terror I would inflict. Killing wasn't so hard - I'd done it countless times before, so long ago. My memory returned as hundreds of faces, those of my victims, appeared in my mind with perfect clarity as I remembered the monster I was eighty years ago. I'd cornered them, one by one; listening to their thoughts as their worries turn to fear. Fear turn to horror when I laid my hands on them, their final thoughts usually turning to repentance as I drained their life away.

Some froze, some struggled, some begged for mercy, but it made no difference. They'd all succumbed to me, my teeth cutting through their warm flesh with ease. So many in those few years - I'd not thought of that period of my life in a long time. How hard would it be to resurrect that murderer?

_It wasn't the same - you know that._ My inner voice, the conscience that had driven me back to Carlisle in the end, reminded me that I hadn't hunted just any humans. Innocents had been safe from me, only criminals needed to fear. In order to guarantee my goals here, however, that distinction could not apply. I would have to kill publicly, violently, mercilessly, and indiscriminately - killing _most_ _especially_ the innocent.

I cradled my face in my hands as Carlisle's voice came back to me. _You are more than that monster, Edward. That is what gives you the ability to love._

_No, it has to be this way, there is no love in me anymore,_ I told myself.

The sun rose, casting bright streaks of light across the fountain before me. Shopkeepers arrived around the plaza, unfurling awnings and sweeping sidewalks. Some pushed carts of souvenirs into the plaza, preparing to ply the crowd with all types of edible rubbish and plastic baubles. Soon the area would be teeming with people, flooded with the rich scent of their blood. _I could do this..._

How many would have to die? I tried to imagine stepping into the center of the crowd and beginning the carnage. The Volturi were expecting me to do something - even now I could hear the thoughts of several of the guard as they watched the plaza, waiting. Maybe only one or two humans would have to die...

They couldn't die quickly, though; just snapping their necks wouldn't be enough. I had to display what I was in all my deadly monstrosity - my teeth at their throat, allowing their arterial blood to spray on the crowd before taking that first swallow. The screams would follow when the crowd realized what I was doing, and I would have to chase my second victim. I would finish the first though - his life was doomed once my lips reached his skin, so there was no point in prolonging his suffering. It would be even more effective to select a woman or a child to prey upon, but I couldn't bring myself to even consider that. Only grown men would die today.

I stood, watching a man push his broom past the entrance of the alley I'd been holed up in. _He would be perfect_, I mused, and I tried to imagine the pulse of his blood in my mouth, the cloying relief as I drank away his life. He looked at me, my would-be victim, and I heard fear race through his thoughts at the sight of me. I stared back, swallowing dryly, for once unable to muster the venom that came with the hunt.

He strode away quickly, thinking of his family as he did, terrified, but confused.

_You are not a monster, Edward, you have risen above that,_ Carlisle's voice chided.

I sank back against the wall again, defeated. My father was right - I wasn't that monster any more. Sadly, I discarded the idea of a killing spree. _What else can I do?_

I could pull some Superman-type stunt - throw a car through a wall or jump off a building, but it wasn't vampire enough. On this day - the celebration of the elimination of the supernatural from Volterra - the display had to demonstrate that aspect. I had to show these people that I wasn't human. But how?

As I struggled to find the best way to end my existence, my mind filled with new words.

_Be merciful to me O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak...For I hear the slander of many; there is terror on every side; they conspire against me and plot to take my life._

A verse from Psalms...the last thing I would expect to be in the center of my thoughts, and yet the words were completely appropriate. Carlisle would be proud. I repeated the words, wondering how God would respond to a prayer offered by a vampire.

In answer to my question, Bella's image reappeared in my mind in a burst of bright light. I closed my eyes and clung to her. She was in our meadow, her face glowing, her hair flecked with red.

"_My kind of day_," she said, smiling. "_It's so light...so open_." Of course, her heaven would be full of sunshine. She'd always been my light, my sun.

Then the pain returned, searing my skin and scorching my lungs. The murmurs of thoughts around me faded away as I struggled for a breath through the agony. I deserved nothing less.

"I miss you so much," I choked. "I'm so sorry...if I'd known..."

"_Edward_." She traced my eye with one finger, slowly, carefully. "_I didn't know where you were_."

Guilt consumed me, digesting my hardened bones in a pit of acid. "But you promised you'd stay safe for Charlie."

She frowned. "_I fell_." Still altruistic, Bella tried to deflect my unasked question.

"Why?"

"_You don't want to hear it._" She brushed a renegade lock of hair back behind her ear. "_You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose_."

Did she die believing the lie, the hideous fabrication that I didn't love her? "I never stopped loving you, Bella," I whispered.

"_Well, that changes things_," she said, reminding me that she _had_ believed.

All the 'what if's' crashed down on me in a cold avalanche of regret. If I'd gone back, if I'd never left, if I hadn't been so selfish...she would be alive right now. I tried to take solace in the fact that she'd found her eternity. _But I could've had her forever..._

Bella rebuked me with a shake of her head. "_It's too late_."

"I'm..." _Sorry?_ How absurd could I be? I'd killed her. Despite everything I'd done, I'd killed her. A simple word couldn't capture the full scope of my sin, or my remorse. My eyes stung as tearless needles pierced them. How could I even think that I deserved something as simple as death?

For once, Bella didn't argue. "_It sounds reasonable_." Surrounded by delicate wild flowers that paled in comparison to her radiance, she raised her perfect, angelic hand and invited me to join her. As if I could. _"Show me what you meant, about the sun."_

My hands slipped from my face and I inspected my arm, just as she had, that day in the meadow. That day she'd marveled at my skin's inhuman sparkle. In my mind, Bella nodded gently as tiny reflected rainbows danced across her cheeks, telling me what I had to do. She was leading me to my final peace.

The vision changed and I remembered the last kiss, on her birthday. The softness of her lips, the feel of her hair on my fingers, her heavy breathing and racing pulse - it all came back. As the kiss ended, a new, childish question crept to my lips.

"Can you stay with me, Bella, until the end?" I had no right to ask, after robbing her of her life, but no matter what I endured, I remained a selfish monster.

Bella, ever selfless, just smiled. "_I'm not running anywhere_."

* * *

_Chapter End Notes:_

_The verse is Psalm 31:9-10 and 13, NIV. It was one of our scripture readings at church a while back, and sinner that I am, totally heard Edward in that passage!_


	15. Heaven and Hell

**_Author's Notes_**

_Thanks to all my Super Stalkers! What a surprise it was to find so many love notes in my inbox! MWAH!_

_And now a word from our sponsor:_

_I'm currently participating in the Author Auction to benefit SupportStacie. Stacie is a woman fighting cancer without the benefit of insurance. To help her out, I'm selling myself (along with many other authors)! The highest bidder will win a story from me of their choosing. I've put no limits on what the story can be._

_So get out your wish lists and bid! Hop on over to my profile for the link to the website.  
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_You can find more information about Stacie at www . SupportStacie __. net__ – bidding will remain open until 9pm, Central time (GMT -6) April 6th_

_And now, on with our feature presentation:_

_This chapter turned out to be much more of a challenge than I thought. Edward was particularly stubborn about letting me into his head, and I was forced to have a heart to heart with him:_

Edward: You have no idea how much I hate you for doing this.

blondie: The fact you're addressing me directly gives me a pretty good idea. _Thank God you're fictional._

{he raises an eyebrow, hearing my appended thought – _Shoot!_}

Edward: Not to you.

{he puts his imaginary, granite hand on my arm and damn, if I can't feel the ice of his polished skin freezing up my skin.}

blondie, shivering: Fine. I have an over-developed imagination when it comes to you. But people want to hear your side of the story! You've seen how many readers have finally gotten why you left – so many of them used to hate for you for that!

Edward: I could care less what they think of me. I won't relive this torture again.

blondie: But it all turns out for the best in the end! It's the tribulations that make your story one of the greatest love stories of all time.

Edward: How can you even begin to understand what I was feeling? Your simple human mind can't grasp the depth of my pain, my anger OR my love.

blondie, whispering: Bella understood.

{In a sparkling flash, Edward's hand sweeps through my laptop. Thankfully, my computer doesn't believe he's real, and remains in my lap, intact. The growl that follows startles me though, and I scramble to grab the computer before it falls on the floor.}

Edward: You are no Bella!

{He stalks toward me, fists clenched}

blondie, cringing: I know, I know, geez. _Note to self: Watch out for that hair-trigger violent overreaction._

{Edward stops, seeming to debate between attacking me and stalking off}

blondie: _I'm an idiot for saying this but…_I do know what it's like to find your soul mate.

Edward, with a cold laugh: _Soul_ mate! You really don't understand me at all, do you?

blondie, murmuring: Some days, no.

Edward: You'll never know how I felt until you're faced with causing the death of your mate. And I doubt you'll get it even then. Your connection to him is nothing like what I have with Bella.

{He brushes me off with a wave of his hand, but I'm already up on my feet. Even his yummy smell doesn't distract me this time as I lock eyes with him only a foot away}

blondie, angrily: Bullshit! Eternal love isn't limited to bloodsucking vampires. I've imagined what it would be like to lose him just as many times as you've thought about losing Bella. _You arrogant bastard!_

Edward, glaring: And have you thought about killing him?

{A pained, crooked smile creases his lips when I have no response}

blondie, frustrated: Fine. Maybe I don't know _exactly_ how you feel. But if you'd tell me, at least I can try and explain it in terms a human might understand. _Stupid stubborn fictional immortal!_

Edward, smirking: But why? You said it yourself, everyone knows the story already. Why can't you just leave it alone?

blondie: Because, this is the crux of your struggle – the point where you finally get it. _The climax, duh!_

Edward: What? That I'd finally kill her? {He runs his hand through his hair, grimacing}

blondie: No, where you started to accept your destiny. That you would be with her forever.

Edward: {snort} I don't think so. That wasn't until much later.

blondie: Really? And when you were down to two choices for Bella, which did you pick?

{Edward opens his lips, but then snaps them shut. He paces around the room, and I begin to think he's going to leave without answering when he stops in front of me.}

Edward: I really hate you.

blondie: I know, but I, we, all love you. {chewing my lip, I tried my best Bella imitation} Please?

Edward, rolling his eyes: Never, ever do that again. {he sighs, and I know I've won} Good luck in getting this down on paper.

blondie, grinning stupidly: Thank you. I always do my best for you.

{I reach out to give his arm a squeeze, but he backs away}

Edward: Cut the crap and write.

blondie: Yes, sir.

_I hope this chapter lives up to all of your expectations!_

_Mood music: Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton; Without You Here by The Goo Goo Dolls

* * *

  
_

**Heaven and Hell**

The plaza filled with people, their thoughts and voices a dull hum in the back of my mind. No one approached me as I huddled alone in the dark shade next to the clock tower. The humans ignored me; the vampires watched and waited.

But I wasn't alone.

Grief. Regret. Anguish. Profound guilt. I had plenty of company.

"_Don't,"_ Bella whispered. In my dark thoughts, she was a shining beacon, illuminating all my flaws. She scowled. _"It's not your fault."_

Yes, it was. My mental echo of Bella may not believe it, but I knew the truth. I wondered what she felt in those last moments…if she cursed me for trampling her heart before she jumped to her oblivion.

"_No, forget it,"_ she said. She closed her eyes and turned away. _"I'm feeling extremely insignificant."_

"You're right." I'd ignored the gift of her memory too long. With so little time left, I would allow myself one last selfish indulgence.

I raised my eyes from my knees and looked across the plaza at the reflection of the clock in one of the windows. Like Bella, I chose the time of my death myself. At high noon I would stride into the sun in front of hundreds of humans, demonstrating the horrific beauty of my kind. Moments after that, the condemnation would come, and I would welcome the fire. My ashes would be swept away; worthless debris before a cleansing wind.

Only a minute or two remained in my time on this planet. The sun shone brightly, the instrument that would be my end. I rose and walked to the entrance of the alley. A few feet from the end I stopped, looking down at the junction of day and night at my feet. How ironic that to end it all I would have to cross this shadow line, stepping from darkness into light. It was the extinguishing of Bella's light that drove me here at all.

"_She's dead, Edward,"_ Rosalie's voice repeated, and I heard an overtone of regret.

I blinked and Bella frowned in that instant. _"What is it that upsets her?"_

"Not even she wanted you to die, my love," I whispered, wishing I could touch her just one more time, but she was gone. Despite all my efforts…

"_You're doing it again,"_ she chided.

The hands of the clock clicked off another minute, one more to go. No one would be hurt except me – the best end I could hope for. I silently apologized to Alice again, wishing she didn't have to see the violence, wishing she would know the peace I hoped to find in the end.

With that thought, I slowly unbuttoned my shirt.

The first witnesses to my inhuman nature would be a small family who stopped right in front of me. As the seconds counted down, I regarded the group. Two parents, two children, a perfect balance; just like my own family. My brothers and sisters, my mother and father, would all mourn me, and I swallowed another guilty lump for causing them such grief. But, like the couple in front of me, they were complete. Three perfect pairs; they had each other for comfort. I understood that their love for each other would overcome any pain or sorrow they'd feel over me, and now they would no longer worry about me – the odd man out. This was best for them as well.

I only wished I could thank Carlisle for giving me this life. He'd never stopped questioning himself about me, and as I stood in the twilight of my…life…I could see that he had bestowed on me the greatest gift. Because of him I'd met Bella and experienced heaven, even if it was only for a moment. That was worth everything, and I wished he would know that.

My shirt fell to my feet as I heard the hands of the clock shift again and the first chime ring out. It was only two steps to the sun – to the end – and I closed my eyes to see Bella clearly for these last seconds. The last goodbye.

I sorted through the memories, choosing which ones would take me down this final path. The first was one of the most recent: we were watching Romeo and Juliet with my arms wrapped around her. I smiled as I remembered how she reacted when I whispered the words in her ear. Her tears mourned the loss of true love and had unfortunately proved prophetic. Romeo's story was mine, the only difference that my Juliet had succeeded where his had not. The clock tolled again.

The scene in my mind changed, and Bella sat on the leafy ground in front of me, her skin even more pale than usual. Her head dangled between her knees, her hair falling to the side, exposing her delicate neck. Her pulse was visible through her skin, pounding out a frantic rhythm as she fought off her queasiness.

"_Show-off,"_ she murmured, then she opened her eyes. Her lips, just inches from mine, parted slightly. The invitation I'd been contemplating as I'd carried her though the forest crossed my lips.

I remembered how soft her skin was as I cradled her face between my hands – and how rude I was, not really asking permission to kiss her.

Bella's eyes widened, showing me everything I couldn't hear in her thoughts. I searched her depths to find fear, disgust, or even anger. What I saw was trust and love – the same love we'd declared in the meadow. She trembled in my fingers, and the fire in my throat raged even now. Another deep chime sounded.

I'd moved so slowly, pausing before bringing my lips to hers. Her expression didn't change as I stole myself. I had to be sure, to guarantee my bloodlust was securely contained and that I could run if I lost control. _I can do this,_ I told myself.

With the gentlest of touches I brought my lips to hers. The flames raced from my throat to my skin, accompanied by the ever present electric current she incited, magnified a thousand times. Until that moment I'd thought that the infernal thirst was the greatest desire that I would ever feel.

I was wrong. When her body answered mine, thirst was the last thing on my mind. She sucked in a breath, weaving her fingers into my hair, her heart flying. Her warmth surrounded me like a cocoon, wrapping my cold, hard chest in her delicate butterfly's embrace. When her lips opened, encouraging me to taste her, the burn in my throat flared, testing my control. The thirst wasn't the only thing tempting me…her soft tongue was so close to mine. If I opened my lips…

It was the clock that freed me this time, reminding me that I'd never know.

Bella never flinched away from my lips, or my hands. She should have been repelled by my hard, icy skin, but, like everything else, her reactions were backwards. When I could feel her skin temperature drop, I'd pull away, not wanting to chill her. She'd only cling to me tighter, refusing to take her own welfare into consideration.

I remembered how she would stroke my hair and my face, her touch lighter than a feather's. Even in her fingertips I could feel the heat she radiated from within her willowy frame. She was the embodiment of life, the opposite of everything I was. How she could find me anything but repulsive would forever remain a mystery.

The tolling bells were lost behind her voice.

"_I love you, Edward_," she whispered. So many times she'd said it, sometimes quietly, sometimes laughingly, always fiercely… and yet every time the words filled me with a serenity that was indescribable. I listened to her laugh, how it, too, was warm and rich, so…_human_. The sound of her breathing, her heartbeat, filled my mental ears, together giving me little clues into her thoughts when her words didn't.

I never did find a way to read her thoughts, but her smirks, her grimaces, her blushes, told me nearly enough that it didn't matter. Bella's lovely, expressive face mirrored her musings constantly, reacting to every word or touch. Her eyes were such a rich brown, so deep. When she smiled, her eyes twinkled and sparkled as brown eyes never had before, and when she looked at me her gaze enveloped me with her love, pulling me to her like a magnet…and she thought that _I_ dazzled _her._ The clock continued its relentless count – only a few chimes left.

The breeze kicked up around me, bringing with it the smells of the crowd around me. Mixed in with the sweet blood, the musty cotton, and foul food was a breath of freesia. I drew in a deep breath, losing myself in the memories. It seemed much easier now, so close to the end, to pretend Bella was close.

The lavender came freely on the wind, along with the sweet, mouthwatering flavor of her blood. From the grave she called to me, exactly my brand of heroin. I allowed the memory of her taste to fill me. For though it was the monster in me that desired that part of her, Bella's blood was what drew me to her in the first place. Would I have bothered to know her at all, had she not called to that vicious part of me?

The sound of the clock briefly interfered with my reverie.

"Edward," she called faintly. She sounded…impatient? What could she be waiting for? An impossible answer flashed through my mind. No. She couldn't be waiting for me.

For a brief moment I considered my life before Bella, but there was nothing that could compare to how she'd affected me in those few short months. Everything else was meaningless, as was a future without her. Only my time with her mattered – only during that time did I truly live.

"_I love you, Edward,_" she said again in my memory, "_I'll always love you._"

She died without learning the truth: that I _did_ love her, that I'd _never stopped_ loving her.

"_I thought you couldn't read my mind,"_ she said.

As another chime beckoned me toward the end, I remembered Carlisle's words on her birthday, the last day I saw my Bella smile with my own eyes. "_How could there not be more for one such as Edward,_" he'd told her. My mind drifted again, and I imagined that he could be right – that somehow, some way, Bella would be the one to greet me in whatever came after this… life.

I heard her again, calling me. "Edward…" Her voice, though quiet, was different; it was as if she was here with me, beseeching me. Her smell engulfed me, but it was more intense, like she'd been walking in the rain. I could see her in my mind's eye, holding her arms out to me, welcoming me. If only I could walk into my memory and stay _there_. I took a step closer to the end as the clock bellowed another chime.

"Edward, look at me!" Bella commanded, louder this time. The sound was so real that I couldn't stifle my smile. I expected her to continue and tell me she was ordinary, just like she had that day in the cafeteria, but she didn't. _"I'm not saying goodbye,"_ she countered instead, but her voice had changed, faded somehow.

I took my last breath, listening for her to call me again, to pull me into my daydreams. What greeted me was the slap of shoes on the cobblestones, a rasping pant, and a pounding heartbeat. I let myself pretend it could be her. While I knew the fantasy would be fleeting, I couldn't fight the growing hope, the completely irrational longing that she was close, that we'd be together.

"_Feeling better?"_ she asked, but the memory seemed flat, artificial, compared to the thundering pulse that seemed to be getting closer. One more step, and I would find out if she really was there, waiting, or if there would be nothing. Before I could complete the stride, something soft fell against me.

Automatically my arms wrapped around…her? The fragrance that I'd imagined rushed over me like an avalanche, burying me, and I felt her warmth billow around me like a dense fog. Could it really be her? _No, my mind must be playing tricks._ I slowly opened my eyes to see who I held as the chimes sounded again.

_Bella was in my arms!_

I gaped at her, my angel, trying to believe she was real. Bathed in a white glow, the sparks of red that ignited in her hair gave her an unearthly beauty. For so many months I'd heard her remembered words, imagined her perfect face, all in my mind…but this was different. She wasn't an ethereal spirit – her soft hands pressed against my cold chest, as if she was trying to restart my heart. I lost myself in her wide eyes as I tried to understand how I could have found this paradise.

"Amazing, Carlisle was right," I murmured in shock. There was a heaven after all, and by some miracle, I'd managed to find it.

No, she'd brought it down to me.

I still couldn't believe it – I couldn't have earned such a reward – but I wasn't about to turn her away. The abyss in my chest disappeared under her gentle fingers; the heat of her touch instantly mended all my wounds. It was as if we'd never parted. The pain, the guilt, the loneliness all disappeared. Could it be possible? Would we be together, forever, just as she promised?

As I looked at my love, her lips moved. "Edward," she barely breathed, and the word coursed through me carrying a happiness so intense that it was nearly painful. She mouthed something else, but no sound came out.

I smiled – after hearing her voice for all this time, _now_ she was unable to speak. Maybe she was just a more substantial delusion, a creation of my mind. I didn't care, I couldn't have asked for a better way to die.

Tentatively I stroked her cheek and was rewarded with the tingling and slight blush I'd longed for these past terrible months. The look on her face was one of concern, and as the clock tolled I wondered if her time with me would be short. It didn't matter – even this one second was more heaven than I deserved.

She took a deep breath against me and her face softened, but the concern remained. Could she still be worried about me?

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing – they're very good," I assured her. If it were possible, she felt more fragile than I remembered; death – or my failing memory – had thinned her frail body. Her dark-ringed eyes were sunken behind protruding cheek bones and her strong chin had sharpened. The feminine heart shape of her face had been hardened, as if she'd lost ten pounds. She was older, I reminded myself. And yet, she was still Bella…_my_ Bella.

I closed my eyes briefly and kissed her silky hair. Romeo's words fell from my lips, capturing my astonishment and awe. "Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, that had no power yet upon thy beauty."

The clock gave up its final chime, reminding me of the earth I'd once walked. The ringing pulled on a warning string in my mind; surely my dead ears must be playing tricks on me. I let my other, more trustworthy senses take over.

"You smell just exactly the same as always," I said and took another quick breath, feeling the flames scorch my throat like a blow torch. The sensation surprised me; I would have expected the thirst to be quenched in heaven. "So maybe this _is_ hell. I don't care. I'll take it." I looked down at Bella, never wanting to leave her ever again, whether she was an angel or merely a tempting construction of my past.

Bella spoke urgently, "I'm not dead, and neither are you! Please Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!" She squirmed in my arms and looked up at me with panic in her eyes.

Her words were…_new_. For the past months I'd heard her repeat nearly every syllable she'd ever uttered in my presence, but I'd never heard this phrase before. Confused, I needed to hear her speak again.

"What was that?" This time I listened carefully, reveling in the rhythmic pounding of Bella's heart.

She pushed against me, her hands a soft contrast to her sharp cry. "We're not dead, not yet!"

The world came to a screeching halt as my heaven crashed back to earth. _She's alive?_

The glow around Bella's face faded, and I could see the outline of the cobblestones behind her, reflecting the sun's rays toward us. The wind swirled her hair and her scent around me. Slowly I registered the murmur of the crowd, and caught my breath as the truth freed my mind.

_She's ALIVE!_

For a handful of milliseconds I rode the waves of euphoria – not only had I not lost her, she'd found _me!_ After the constant battle to stay away, she'd come after me. And I knew I'd never leave her unprotected, ever again.

When time returned to its normal pace, the joy vanished, swept up in a maelstrom of emotions that nearly ripped my sanity away. _She's alive, and needs more protection than ever before…BECAUSE she came after me!_

"Is he in the light?" an immortal voice whispered. _Who is the girl?_

_What have I done?!_ Horror, mixed with guilt, fear, and anger, ate its way through me like acid.

Bella continued speaking, unaware of my excruciating revelation. "But we have to get out of here before the Voturi–"

Before she could finish her sentence, I'd spun her against the stone wall and set myself as a shield between her and the approaching vampires. The storm within began to coalesce into a single, seething beast. _Not her!_

Felix and Demetri stopped in the deep shadow and regarded my protective stance carefully.

_She's human, _Demetri thought, surprised not by Bella's presence but by her heartbeat.

I fought to control my baser instincts, facing for the first time in my life, the conundrum of the victim: fight or flight. The light that had been my accomplice now became my jailer…but not Bella's.

"The ghost disappeared, Mommy," the little girl in the plaza said, tugging on her mother's sleeve. "Oh, there he is, look!"

Could this child be heralding Bella's escape?

Impatient for the girl's mother to notice us, I had to force myself to speak calmly. "Greetings, gentlemen. I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters."

Felix was the first to answer. "Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" _I'll give you what you want,_ he thought, baring his teeth in a wicked grin. He'd hoped for a reaction for Bella, but she only tightened her grip on my belt loops.

Finally the human took notice of her child. "_Che cos'è_?" she said in Her eyes followed the child's outstretched hand toward me. They widened, seeing me shirtless and defensive. She saw Bella's frightened face, but couldn't see what I was protecting her from.

"I don't believe that will be necessary," I said sternly, measuring the distance to the end of the alley. If I could get her into the plaza, she could leave with the crowd. "I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules."

Aro's voice echoed in Felix's head._ "Bring him back if he tries to make a spectacle of himself. I want him alive." _Felix added his own interpretation: _Harboring a human is quite spectacular, I think._

_Back off Felix, if we're exposed,_ _we'll share his fate_, Demetri thought. "Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun. Let us seek better cover." _We only want to talk, Edward. _The wind blew his cloak open slightly, proving they were wary of the light as well.

"I'll be right behind you. Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?"

Demetri considered letting her go, but remembered Aro's other warning. _If others may arrive, bring them to me._

Aro was expecting someone to stop me? No, no, NO!

"No, bring the girl." Felix sneered. _She smells delicious._

Fury's red haze distorted my vision. "I don't think so." I enunciated every word, barely containing my rage as Felix imagined his lips on Bella's neck. _You'll never lay a finger on her, _I mouthed. I'd remove his fingers first, given the chance, before removing his head.

Bella's breath was hot on my bare back. "No," she squeaked, her hand landing on my shoulder like sigh.

I didn't take my eyes off the guards when I unceremoniously shushed her. A stab of guilt only fed my temper – and I had plenty of anger to go around. Topping the list was Rosalie. If she'd left me alone like I'd asked, I'd be in Forks right now, on my knees begging for Bella's forgiveness. And then there was that nameless voice on the phone with his callous _"He's at the funeral."_ Changing a single word would have altered so many lives.

The pettiness of that thought led to the true core of my anger, me. I was at fault; and the hatred meant for others easily got reflected back on myself – I should have confirmed Bella's death…no…I should have been there to protect her in the first place.

Demetri looked at his companion, frustrated at his eagerness for violence. "Felix, not here." When the larger vampire relaxed, Demetri turned back to me. "Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all."

My empty stomach heaved at the thought of Bella facing the ancient and his minions. "Certainly, but the girl goes free."

_He's talking to someone in the shadows,_ the woman in the plaza realized as she watched me, and squinted in Felix's direction.

Demetri leveled his stare at Bella. He noted her fingers clinging to my shoulder, unaffected the cold temperature of my skin. Clearly she was no stranger to our mythical existence. "I'm afraid that's not possible. We do have rules to obey," Demetri said. S_he knows too much. _

My anger grew exponentially. _Rules?_ Apparently some rules only seem to apply _outside_ of the castle. "Then _I'm_ afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri."

Felix tensed, prepared to fight. "That's just fine," he growled. _First you, then her._

"Aro will be disappointed," Demetri said with a sigh. He didn't think I stood a chance against Felix, but mapped out a plan for damage control, should the fight draw attention.

"I'm sure he'll survive the letdown." I could deflect Felix long enough for Bella to get into the crowd, I was certain. _Once she's safe, we'll see who's left standing._

Felix and Demetri smoothly separated, boxing me into this section of the alley, effectively blocking Bella's escape.

The human woman saw them, too, and her anxiety rose another notch. _He's protecting her from them! _ She pulled her husband close but hesitated.

Bella's pulse sped, but I couldn't ease her fear – it was her distress that worried the woman. The human couldn't decide whether or not to get involved.

_Do it! _I wanted to scream.

My eyes wandered up as I listened for thoughts in the buildings above us; another possible escape. If I could make it inside, maybe through the second story window…

Felix saw my eyes rise. _You'll never make it carrying her._ He grinned. _Or are you leaving her behind? I'd be happy to take care of her! _He took another deep breath, his mouth watering.

Bella moved her trembling hand down my back, unknowingly reigning in the growl that rattled in my chest.

Demetri didn't follow my line of sight. His attention was focused on Bella. He tried to sample her mind, and earned a glare from me. He returned it, wondering if I could feel what he did. With a sixth, indescribable sense, he reached out to me, filing my mental fingerprint in with others he sensed. Some were close by: Felix, the Volturi brothers; others were hundreds of miles away. _I'll find you, if you manage to escape, Edward._

I considered shouting to the humans and forcing the diversion, but was bombarded with the image of Demetri taking Bella away while I struggled with Felix. _Not yet, Edward, we need more witnesses, _a ringing mental voice rang out.

_Alice, of course!_ I turned toward the dark end of the alley, hearing her light strides drawing near. Felix and Demetri both lost their swagger, hearing her approach.

_Don't provoke them Edward,_ she thought, waiting for me to abandon that tactic before looking ahead again. The future was a muddled mass of images, undefined as of yet, but two images stood out in the mélange. The picture of Bella's pale, immortal face smiling carefully as she embraced Alice was replaced by her broken and mangled body lying dead on a stone floor.

Alice sorted through the variations on the future, but they all were equally vague. She gasped at a flickering blond image. The sight of Jasper's grief-stricken face erased any relief I felt at Alice's arrival. She'd risked her own life, as well as Bella's to save mine.

The tempest of anger devoured my guilt. How many people was I destined to doom? One last possibility flashed through Alice's mind: Bella being surrounded by a crowd of humans clad in red.

She appeared around a corner, her placid face belying the anxiety she felt. "Let's behave ourselves, shall we? There are ladies present." She shot a glance at Bella.

The two guards stiffened, their advantage lost. They knew better than to challenge one as delicate-looking as Alice, especially without knowing what extra talent she may be packing.

"We're not alone," Alice noted, her eyes darting to the humans taking an active interest in our confrontation. _It might work, Edward._

Demetri looked at the woman who was spelling out her concerns to her husband. When their eyes met, the man immediately flagged a red-coated security officer. "Please, Edward, let's be reasonable," he pleaded, worried that he'd lose all of us if the humans intervened. Aro was not known for his leniency when punishing poor performers in the guard.

Hope dulled my ire as Alice's vision cleared, showing us both the guards' retreat in the face of a human response. Bella's escape had been guaranteed until another vampire's decision erased it.

_No, dammit! _

I wasn't about to give in yet. "Let's. And we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser," I pressed, trying to force the future that saw Bella walking away alive. It returned, then flashed to the interfering vampire. _We're so close!_

Demetri's frustration came out in another sigh. "At least let us discuss this more privately." He was sure that he'd be tracking me down as soon as he let me go.

Bella's head turned, her gasp catching everyone's attention. The group of curious humans had expanded to ten. I thought the battle was won until…

_Too late,_ Alice thought. _Jane's here._

Bella's fingers twitched against my skin when my teeth crashed together. "No," I said, knowing it was too late.

Felix heard her coming first, smiling victoriously. _I would have made it quick and painless for your human._

My fists clenched behind me. _No! You can't have her!_

_We haven't lost yet,_ Alice thought. I refused to look at what she wanted to show me. I couldn't bear to watch Jane torment Bella.

_One vampire – how much trouble could he be?_ Jane grumbled as she appeared in the same end of the dark alley as Alice. _Well, isn't this quite the party._ "Enough," she said. She inclined her head just enough to glare at me. _Give me a reason, Edward._

Shorter than Alice, she hardly appeared dangerous, but as my sister regarded her, she saw that any deviation from Jane's instructions would end with either Alice or me writhing on the floor, the other engaged with one hooded vampire, and a defenseless Bella smothered by the other. My options were limited to one.

"Jane," I said as a surrender, releasing Bella from my protective cage. As if to punctuate my failure, the breeze whipped Bella's scent around me again. I swallowed, the venom searing my throat. The thirst had lost its power over me, though. Never again would it tempt me to injure Bella; the idea of my teeth on her skin disgusted me to the point of physical pain. But even if I wasn't her executioner, I was the reason she would die, and this time I'd witness her final breath first hand. No one hated themselves more than I in that instant.

Alice prodded me again. _It'll be up to Aro. _She saw us standing before the brothers, waiting, but nothing beyond. Until that decision was made, there was no future for any of us_._

Jane didn't acknowledge Alice or Bella before pivoting on her heel. "Follow me." _Aro will be pleased._ She imagined what she'd receive as thanks for bringing us in – she relished the thought of punishing us.

With a wave of his hand, Felix ordered us ahead. I ignored his mental taunts as I slipped a protective arm around Bella and guided her forward. She looked up at me with what I guessed was a host of fearful questions written on her face. _No, I won't let them hurt you,_ I wanted to say, but couldn't give her such false hope. I only shook my head and she looked away, uncomforted.

Even with my arm around Bella, something I'd ached for since I'd left six months ago, I struggled to keep my anger in check. "Well, Alice, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here," I said by way of distraction.

"It was my mistake. It was my job to set it right."_ You look terrible,_ Alice thought. _Esme won't be happy to see you so thirsty._ My eyes were blacker than she'd ever seen them.

"What happened?" I ignored her optimism at seeing our mother again. This could be my only opportunity to find out what had caused the real-life Shakespearian tragedy we were trapped in.

"It's a long story." She showed me the vision of Bella standing above the ocean, a disturbingly content smile on her lips. She crouched and then jumped, screaming on the way down. The sound matched her smile – it was a celebratory cry, not one of fear.

_For the love of…_what had I done to her? My free hand balled into a fist, but the torture continued.

Bella entered the rough water with very little splash and didn't surface before the image faded.

Alice pursed her lips, regret strong in her thoughts. _That's all I saw. I'm sorry, I should have called Rosalie when I found out Bella was alive._

"In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself."

Bella's voice echoed in Alice's thoughts. _"It was for recreational purposes only."_

"Bella's all about the extreme sports these days," Alice finished. _Which is just another form of suicide where Bella's concerned, if you ask me,_ she added tartly.

Only one question thundered through my mind. _How did Bella survive?_

Alice frowned, seeing my nostrils flare. _She was saved by Jacob Black._ Bella appeared in her memory. _"See, well, he's…sort of a werewolf."_

_A werewolf? _No…the werewolves were extinct! It couldn't be!

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bella look away from me, her cheeks pinking. _Oh yes, it could._

Alice recalled the nauseous odor and enormous size of Jacob, and the vibration he'd experienced in her presence. He'd come so close to phasing, and right next to Bella.

The street before me took on a red glow as the furor roasted me.

But it was that sadistic harpy, Fate, who'd earned my wrath. As if believing Bella were dead wasn't enough torment. Resurrecting her,only to have the Volturi kill her in front of me was beyond ruthless. Now to hear that she'd been living in constant mortal danger in the company of those savage dogs…

_She doesn't just attract danger, Edward, she conjures it._ Like watching a highlight reel, Alice remembered the last few days she's spent with Bella. As if the reconstitution of an extinct species weren't enough to cement the fact that I never should have left, Bella's own words provided yet another humiliation.

"_If it weren't for the werewolves, Victoria would have gotten me by now. Well, if it weren't for Jake and his friends, Laurent would have gotten me before she could."_

For all my searching, Victoria had returned to Forks…had been within sight of Bella! Fate had to be rolling on the floor with laughter at my stupidity. My head threatened to explode without some outlet for my anger.

_At least the dogs took out Laurent, but Victoria is still hunting._ Alice's thoughts were like gasoline on an inferno.

Only Bella's touch kept me from screaming out in pure, unadulterated rage.

_Edward, are you okay?_

It took all the control I could muster to keep walking, and Alice wondered if I was okay?

_Edward?_

"Hm," was all I could manage as a response. We continued down the shaded alley and Alice filled in the last few irritating details.

The funeral was for one of Charlie's friends, another Quileute…had he been a dog, too?

Charlie…the look on his face as he'd described Bella as catatonic when I'd left became etched into my eyelids. The things I'd done to her…monster wasn't nearly heinous enough a description.

Finally, Alice showed me…myself. She'd been sitting in Bella's room when the vision came, the sight of my own destruction at the hands of the Volturi – before I'd taken the time to think about asking for their help. I didn't make a sound as they tore me apart; only Alice's sobs narrated the scene as I vanished in a cloud of purple smoke.

After seeing what Bella had endured in my absence, I had no doubt that my demise would have brought me anything but peace. No, that would be far to easy and kind an end to such a tortured existence. Only one thing was absolutely certain. I was, and always would be damned.

Bella reappeared in Alice's memory, her hands on my sister's face, mirroring her terror. Alice spoke only one word.

"_Edward,"_ she choked.

Without a sound, Bella collapsed into Jacob Black's over-developed arms. As he carried Bella, _my_ _Bella_, to the couch, I clenched my jaw so hard that my teeth creaked in protest.

"_STOP! I can't take any more!" _I hissed, the words no louder than a breath of wind. Bella remained tense but didn't react, and my fury dissolved into helpless anguish. In my attempt to protect her, I'd only put her in even more danger. There wasn't a penance high enough to pay for my poor judgment, no matter what my motives might have been.

_I'm so sorry, Edward_, Alice thought, her sincerity lost to my pain. She'd been against my leaving from the beginning, but I hadn't listened. She tried to shoulder some of the responsibility. _I should have done something sooner…_

I slowly looked at one building, then the next, silently willing her to stop blaming herself for what was all my fault. Her loyalty and faithfulness were more than anyone could ever ask of a sister. She didn't deserve to bear any guilt for what had happened. Especially since her death would be added to my list of sins, should we fail to escape.

The image of the mutt touching Bella lingered, keeping the coals of hatred stoked while I wallowed in guilt. Even if he had saved her, he'd never touch her again. I bared my teeth at the thought of coming face to face with the dog. If only I could loose my fury on him here, now.

It was the tang of adrenaline that calmed my anger this time. The open grate leading into the underground world of Volterra greeted us as we reached the end of the alley.

_I'll go first and catch her._ Alice knew I wouldn't leave Bella's side while Felix and his hungry thoughts lurked nearby.

As Alice jumped into the tunnel, Bella skidded to a stop, throwing her weight against me.

_I'm ready. Drop her down to me,_ Alice thought. I didn't bother to answer, she already saw Bella landing in her arms.

Calmly I inched Bella forward. "It's alright, Bella, Alice will catch you." Her fear poured off her skin in waves, and at first I thought it was because of the drop.

Bella sat on the edge of the hole, sliding one foot then the other in as if she were dipping them into boiling oil. "Alice?" she whimpered.

Of course. She had no reason to trust me any more.

"I'm right here," was the reply from below. Bella still didn't move, and the vampires behind me grew impatient.

Gently I wrapped my fingers around her wrists, feeling her heart frantically forcing the blood throughout her system. "Ready?" I asked her.

Alice answered instead. "Drop her."

I looked for some kind of affirmation from Bella, but she just pinched her eyes and mouth shut, closing herself off. Remorse replaced all the hatred. I wanted to apologize, but instead I let her fall.

She let her breath out in a rush when Alice caught her, but I didn't release mine until Alice promised me she was okay.

I dropped down and promptly captured Bella around the waist, hoping that she'd let me guide her through the dark tunnels. It was selfish of me to think that she'd prefer my arm over Alice's, but seeing how she'd fared when I kept my distance from her, I couldn't stand to be even inches away. That, and despite the fact I'd done nothing but hurt her, I still loved Bella. I'd give anything to see her safely away from this hell…but I had nothing to barter with.

Without a word, Bella wrapped her trembling arms around me, out of self-preservation, I assumed. In the unlit sewer, she'd surely trip and fall – at least that's what I told myself.

_Just pick her up and go!_ Felix complained, and I considered doing just that. However, I no longer had any inclination to rush to my judgment, nor hurry Bella or Alice to theirs.

The smell of Bella's fear hadn't waned when we'd entered the tunnel, and Demetri savored the scent, exhaling loudly. I shut out his, and everyone else's thoughts, focusing only on the sound of Bella's hammering heart. Again I lied to myself as I touched her face, her lips. _I'm trying to ease her fear._ When my lips met her hair, the lie faded away, but I couldn't bring voice to the truth.

_I'm so sorry, Bella._

She gripped me even tighter, and I wanted to believe she could find it in herself to forgive me for all I'd put her through. Again I tried to find the words to ask…but couldn't find a place to start. Asking her to forgive me for lying, seemed blasphemous, considering she'd come to save me whether I loved her or not. Nothing I could say could do anything but tarnish the purity of her sacrifice.

Still I caressed her face, trying to calm her frantic pulse and fearful shaking. She never turned her face up to meet mine; her lips never reacted to my thumb as it traced her mouth. Maybe she had more secrets that she kept from Alice. Maybe her heart belonged to another.

_No, she still loves you,_ a tiny voice whispered in my head. My heart, that piece of me I'd been missing for so long, remained a beacon of hope. My kiss found Bella's forehead this time, and I yearned to meet her lips, just one last time. Even I wasn't so selfish to presume I deserved such a gift.

No matter where Bella's adoration lay, I silently promised that I would do everything possible to return her home, alive. It was the very least I owed her, for throwing her life away to try and save mine.

Our destination loomed before us, leaking a ghostly light into the tunnel. I wondered if Bella could see it yet. The silence was interrupted by a rhythmic clatter, and I realized it was Bella's teeth. She was freezing, still soaked from the knees down. What a fool I'd been!

I pulled away from her so she could keep the body heat she had left, but she literally threw herself back around me. "N-n-NO!" she moaned, locking her hands together around my waist.

I shouldn't have been happy, shouldn't have found any relief that she clung to me like I could do anything but give her pneumonia, but I did. Rubbing her arm, wishing that I could actually provide some heat to her shivering body, I allowed myself one tiny smile. Maybe she did still love me.

The feeling passed Jane pondered if our arrival would postpone her upcoming meal. I glanced at Alice, but the future remained in Aro's hands. _I just don't know_, she thought.

As we passed through the gates and barricades of the underground entrance, I wasn't surprised when Felix stopped to close them. The obstacles couldn't stop us from escaping, but they'd slow us down enough that we'd certainly be caught.

As we entered the lighted, modern portion of the castle, I listened for the vampires who would be our judge and jury.

Caius was considering a new prospect for the guard. He was unaware of our arrival.

Marcus was locked in his stupor, as always, still sitting in the same chair I'd seen him in hours ago.

Aro, however, paced in a circular stone room, thinking about me. _We should have heard by now._ His concern for my health had little to do with the friendship he seemed to offer, but more to do with greed. As if on cue, he heard the final door slam and lock behind us.

Bella relaxed in the warmth and light, but I tensed, hearing Aro's glee.

_Welcome back, Edward. I've been expecting you._


	16. Verdict

**_Author's Note:_**

_Yes, I'm a schmuck! This chapter took way longer than I thought it would – I'm sorry!_

_However, I've got some new videos for you. The dedication of my readers is phenomenal! A couple have been translating the story to Italian and Portuguese (send me the links so I can post them), and one has used the story to inspire a ballet!_

_ Several videos have been made as well, please find the links on my profile. Many, many thanks to xEternallyDazzledx and 1hopelessromantic for their artistic talents!  
_

_Thanks to my wonderful beta team, as always! Coming soon: Seduction ('Compromise' from Eclipse in EPOV), written for JaneAustenlover, the winning bidder. Also, visit the Dark Side thread over on the forums, the link is on my profile, too  
_

_Mood music: It's Not My Time, 3 Doors Down; Not Meant to Be, Theory of a Deadman; How to Save a Life, The Fray

* * *

_

**Verdict**

Without a word, we followed Jane into the elevator. Confident in her ability to disable any of us, she didn't bother to look my way. Behind her disinterested façade, she remained vigilant, prepared to loose her talent on any of us, should she feel threatened.

I didn't let her out of my sight.

Bella, on the other hand seemed to shrink into the corner of the car. I continued to rub her arm, more out of reflex than effect. She had good reason to fear. It was her trembling and her pounding heart that kept me in control…barely. I had to get her out of this horrific place, but how?

_Edward, you have to let go of the idea of attacking them. There's no success in that strategy._ The same visions repeated in Alice's mind yet again. No matter who I targeted, I ended up in pieces, sometimes smoking. The only variation was whether Alice managed to escape or not. In every instance, every single permutation, Bella ended up dead.

_Until you consider a different course, the future can't change, you know that,_ Alice admonished.

Yes, I knew that, and I tried again. If I could convince Aro…

Bella's smile flashed through Alice's view of the future, but disappeared when Felix took a deep breath.

_Such an inviting scent. No wonder he couldn't keep his mouth off her in the tunnel. _

Only the sight of Bella's dead body in Alice's mind kept me from giving in to my violent instincts and removing Felix's head from his shoulders.

_Edward_, Alice sighed imperceptibly. Finally the doors opened to the lobby.

Bella's sigh was only fractionally louder when we stepped out of the confined space and into the reception area. Her eyes roamed the room, taking in the lavish interior. She sampled the pervasive scent of the flowers, her nostrils flaring at the intense smell. It was the sight of the receptionist that caused Bella's jaw to fall open.

She'd realized the girl was human. I shouldn't have been surprised—Bella wouldn't miss something that obvious. But in the midst of the hatred, the anger, and the fear coursing through me, she instilled awe and pride. I wondered if she felt any connection to the human behind the desk…the human who longed to be a vampire, just like she did.

_Edward, things are changing,_ Alice thought.

"_You would have to mean it,"_ Aro said in the future, but then the image vanished. The inside of a plane appeared in Alice's mind – not a vision, but a memory.

_Bella chewed her lip. "If you don't do it now, you'll change your mind."_

"_No, I don't think I will,"_ _Alice replied._

Then the picture of Bella that I'd seen many times had manifested itself: my love, with white skin and red eyes, arm in arm with my sister. Was it a memory or a prediction? I couldn't tell.

The image dissolved in a swirl of purple smoke as Demetri swallowed a mouthful of venom.

Mean _what_? Do _what_? I crushed my teeth together in frustration.

"Good afternoon, Jane," Gianna said politely but confidently. She was under the false assumption that by treating her vampire masters as equals, they would see her as such.

Jane regarded her with the same interest as she would a stack of junk mail. "Gianna," she replied, without pausing.

Felix gave the human more than a glance, eliciting a not-quite-self-conscious giggle from her. He considered her a bottle of wine, aging just for him. His plans for her included more than just quenching his thirst, though, and my jaw tightened at his lewd thoughts. But it was the thirst that distracted him as he glanced at Gianna's watch. He noted the even pulse behind the timepiece. _It's almost time,_ he thought, licking his lips.

I tried to ignore Felix's disgusting imagination as we passed through the first set of doors. Alec waited in the hallway beyond.

"Jane," he crooned, before embracing his twin.

"Alec." For the first time, Jane showed some emotion other than disdain, showering kisses on her brother.

"They send you out for one and you come back with two…and a half," he said, returning the affection. Bella didn't react to his stare; through his eyes she seemed fascinated. "Nice work."

Jane laughed, genuinely amused by her twin. Were she not a vicious sadist and he not deceptively controlling, the scene would have been almost heartwarming.

"Welcome back, Edward," Alec said, turning to me. "You seem in a better mood." He pictured change in my features: lifeless and morose only a few hours ago compared to angry and determined now.

"Marginally," I said.

Alec chuckled. "And this is the cause of all the trouble?" _One measly human girl?_

Measly…if only he knew. A smile curled my lips – he had no idea of the power Bella wielded when it came to attracting trouble.

My grin turned to ice as Felix's fantasies about Gianna shifted and Bella became the girl in his arms.

"Dibs," he said. _So soft and warm…_ His imaginary hands wandered over her body as he leaned into her.

Words failed me as I turned, my rage coming out as an incoherent growl.

Felix crooked a finger at me. _She'll wait while I finish you._

Alice's touch stopped me from reacting. _There's a way out, it's becoming clearer._ She added her voice. "Patience." _Please._

I looked down at my favorite sister, but didn't see her eyes. Instead, I watched the show in her mind. Among the screams and the smoke were new images…Aro, touching Bella's hand…me, accepting a guard's cloak from Aro...Bella, crying in my arms…Alice, greeting Jasper…and a hazy shot of our dining room? The new possibilities were fleeting and mixed in with many more gruesome outcomes, most of which involved Bella's death.

_I don't know what it all means,_ she admitted, _but there are many more outcomes…if you can keep from going after Felix._

She lifted an ebony eyebrow, questioning me.

I inhaled, filling my lungs with Bella's scent. The fire in my throat only reminded me that its absence was much more painful. I blinked slowly, giving her a silent promise to restrain myself.

No matter what the outcome, Aro would be the key. I faced Alec, who'd been waiting patiently with Jane while Felix had his fun. "Aro will be so pleased to see you again," he said.

Eagerly, Jane caught his hand. "Let's not keep him waiting."

I bobbed my head. I was ready to get this over with.

Alec and Jane skipped down the ornate hall ahead of us, but stopped at the hidden door halfway down the hall.

_No, not this room!_ I hadn't been paying enough attention to Aro's mind – I hadn't realized he waited for us in this repulsive place. I glanced at Alice, but her face was wooden. Only the slightest hint of blood wafted from under the rough-hewn door. The Volturi were very thorough when they ate, nary a drop was wasted. There could only be one reason Aro wanted to meet us here.

As if she knew what happened in this room, Bella resisted my pull as I guided her through the door. Her shoulders hunched, she seemed to try and make herself smaller as we made our way through the antechamber and into the round room that served as the Volturi dining hall.

This room was bare except for a few chairs. Bella looked around the room nervously, then up to the windows, presenting another option for me to consider. The openings were narrow, but we could fit through. Outside, the jump would be considerable, and I'd have to absorb the energy to protect Bella's fragile body. There was sure to be a crowd below and the sun above, but was exposure such a bad thing at this point?

_Where would you go, Edward? They'll hunt you and Bella down,_ Alice thought, seeing my plan. _They'll start by finding Carlisle._

So much for that idea.

Bella's gaze drifted to the floor and the V between her eyebrows deepened. The grate _did_ resemble the one we'd used to enter the sewer system, but this one didn't provide an escape. Not for the living, at least. The furnace at the bottom wasn't used for heat, but for destroying evidence.

Like a piano being tuned, the buzz of the minds around us converged into a single, curious thought as we entered. Aro provided the only dissonant contemplation, smugly regarding Alice and Bella. _So, she's not dead._

"Jane, dear one, you've returned!" he chimed, ignoring us for the moment. As he took Jane's face in his hands I glanced at Bella.

Frozen to the spot, her face was filled with morbid fascination. Her pupils followed Aro's every move, but her expression didn't change. I could almost hear the wheels turning as she tried to equate Aro's odd skin and eyes with the other vampires.

Jane glowed as his lips touched hers, believing she was his perfect daughter, not his favorite hound.

"Yes, Master. I brought him back alive, just as you wished," she gushed. Make that retriever.

"Ah, Jane, You are such a comfort to me." He didn't offer any praise, or even acknowledge the presence of the others, but turned his attention to us. His unbridled pleasure at seeing the three of us turned my stomach. "And Alice and Bella, too! This is a happy surprise! Wonderful!"

Color bloomed in Bella's cheeks at his casual recognition. Aro ignored it, requiring a larger audience for the upcoming spectacle.

"Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this."

With a subservient "Yes, Master," Felix exited, and I considered our options for escape again. One less combatant didn't change the results though.

Aro turned to me. "You see, Edward? What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?"

As much as I hated the circumstances, I couldn't deny that his decision had given me this fleeting moment with Bella. "Yes, Aro, I am."

"I love a happy ending, they are so rare," Aro said with a dreamy look on his face.

I barely avoided voicing my biting thoughts._ Then give me one. _

"But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?" He addressed her like he'd known her for decades. "Your brother seemed to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake."

_I doubt that,_ Alice thought, knowing I'd thwarted her visions in the past. "Oh, I'm far from infallible." A flicker of something crossed her mind – another incarnation of the future – and I caught the sight of a black robe. Beneath the hood was a pair of red eyes surrounded by short, black hair. _No way,_ she thought and her hands curled in on each other. The image blinked off like a burned out light bulb. "As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them." _If only I could find our way out…_

"You're too modest," Aro chided. "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"

_Edward, what did you tell him?_ She shot me a glare.

Aro answered her obvious confusion. "I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know you already, and I tend to get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I'm limited in a way that he is not." He briefly considered the advantages of our combined power.

Alice's brow creased minutely, her question still unanswered. "And also exponentially more powerful," I explained. "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had."

Her eyebrows rose visibly this time. _Every thought? Even human ones? More than you can remember?_

I tilted my head in assent. Aro missed none of our silent conversation and deduced Alice's quiet curiosity. His excitement rose, his thoughts swirling with possibilities. _Alice and Edward…_

He suddenly stifled the speculation. "But to be able to hear from a distance. That would be so _convenient_." _And tactically superior. _Regretting his slip,Aro hastily looked at the group arriving behind us.

"Marcus, Caius, look!" Aro exclaimed in a whisper. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful!"

Caius couldn't see why we excited Aro so much and planned to wait out the theatrics. He passed us, his lip curling up with scorn.

Marcus, however, took one look at us and withdrew deeper within his mind.

The faint crimson he'd seen on me before had expanded into a wide, fiery ribbon that bound me to Bella and Alice; similar to the one connecting Jane and Alec, but much brighter. Whatever bond they shared, we shared, only to a much higher degree. But it was the darker, blood red bubble that fused me to Bella that he dwelled on. He'd only seen such an intense, rich color once before, and in his mind's eye, it encircled a girl's pale image. Her eyes were filled with love as she stared back at him, her ebony hair framing her smiling face. I recognized her at once – her high cheek bones and strong chin matched Aro's exactly.

_Didyme_, he thought, overwhelmed with grief. The Greek term for 'twin' confused me; she seemed too young to be Aro's womb mate. The meaning of her name was insignificant compared to the way Marcus revered her. The red halo around her deepened another shade as he remembered her kiss, her touch, and the joy she exuded like perfume. The red bond he saw…it had to be love. He hadn't seen one as strong as the one he felt for his mate ever before and never thought he'd see it again. Now he saw it tying me to Bella…and her to me.

Shrouding himself in anguish as he longed for the woman he lost centuries ago, Marcus glided to Aro and held out his hand. Aro paged through Marcus's thoughts, skipping quickly to the most recent. He too saw the glow, and that it was even stronger than what Aro had with his mate.

I couldn't help but snort. Clearly no one loved Aro more than Aro.

_What is he seeing? It's not affecting the future, _Alice thought impatiently.

"Thank you, Marcus, that's quite interesting." _Such a strong bond. I wonder if it can be broken by anything _other_ than death._ His thoughts drifted to one of the women in next to Caius – _Chelsea_. I hadn't noticed her the last time I was here. Her eyes darted around the room, but she couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. She felt a chill from Marcus, and turned to him, playing a song in her mind. The haunting melody caught my attention. It was beautiful. As she hummed to herself, Marcus tilted his head toward Aro.

Looking through Marcus's eyes again, I saw the blue thread of light connecting him to Aro brighten. Didyme faded from his thoughts, only to be replaced by Aro. _I have to live for my brother,_ he thought.

_She_ did that. The blue bonds were artificially enhanced, manipulated, by Chelsea.

I held Bella close. Her hand pressed against my bare waist in response, her breathing drowning out the music in Chelsea's mind. No, I wouldn't let her tear me from my love.

Aro shook his head, still pondering the depth of my love for Bella. "Amazing," he said, "Absolutely amazing."

_EDWARD_, Alice screamed in her thoughts. In other circumstances I would have found her frustration funny – her scowl actually resembled Emmett's.

"Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours," I explained. Bella stared at Marcus, squinting her eyes, trying to see his invisible astonishment, I guessed.

Alice frowned. _He sees all three of us, right? I love her, too!_ I looked up, then down, assuring her that her love was strongly represented, and the frustration vanished from her eyes.

"So convenient," Aro muttered, staring at me. _Such talent, and so young. In another century his talent would grow…_

Before I could react, his thoughts were gone, like he'd erased a blackboard.

Aro's eyes drifted to Bella's arm around me. "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I can assure you. It's just so difficult to understand, even now." _To bond to her, a human, your siren… Does not hearing her thoughts make it easier or harder for you?_ "How can you stand so close to her like that?" He, and many of those around us, wondered at the intensity of my thirst.

They had no idea. "It's not without effort." It wasn't thirst that drove me any longer; the effort was required to restrain me from pulling her even closer – I wanted to wrap both arms around her and hold her to my chest. Feel her heart beat against me, taste her skin, her lips. Show her how much I loved her and beg for her forgiveness. Thirst had nothing to do with my desire any longer.

"But still – _la tua cantante_! What a waste!" Several vampires around us had encountered their singers, and they sighed quietly, reliving the euphoria of imbibing such perfection. Aro recalled my memory of tasting Bella's blood – and the bliss it brought me – but though my throat roasted, the recollection lacked the temptation it once had.

"I look at it more as a price." Every poet would agree the greatest love _should_ come with the highest price. I prayed that I'd paid enough.

Aro was amused by my response. "If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong." He sorted through other memories he'd acquired over the centuries, but no one had experienced as tantalizing a scent as Bella's was to me. "I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and you, you…"

"Waste it," I finished. They only saw Bella as a vessel. The creatures around me pretended to be civilized, but couldn't see how beautiful she was, wouldn't take the time to learn how amazing she was. Carlisle was right – I _had_ risen above.

_Animals_, Alice thought, reminding me that love for Bella had overcome her thirst as well. I regretted having ever doubted her. If we found a way out of Volterra, I would have to make up for all I'd put my dearest sister through.

I opened my mind and began to catalog all those in the room, noting their strengths and functions within the Volturi hierarchy. Our best hope was to convince Aro that he had no reason to kill us, though, and I kept my eyes locked on him.

"Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him – only he was not so angry." A high compliment.

"Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well."

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame."

Bah – how little he knew of my father. Never having taken a human life, spending his life bathed in human blood but never having feasted. Carlisle would be appalled by this room – their cafeteria – reeking with the last traces of a previous meal. I ached to get Bella out of this place, away from the danger. "Hardly," I retorted.

Her pulse raced at the sound of my harsh answer, sensing my discomfort.

"I am gratified by his success," Aro continued to muse about Carlisle's way of life and my control, mostly to himself, boring most of those in the room. Finally he came to the point with a low laugh. "Just remembering how she appeals to you… It makes me thirsty."

I tightened my grip on Bella and as I did, the vampire behind Aro crept closer to him, preparing to misdirect me should I attack her master. The windows above were within reach of my jump, if I could get Bella there, maybe we'd have a chance…

_It's a possibility_, Alice thought, seeing us all make it to the windows. But then she saw us running – with Demetri right on our heels.

"Don't be disturbed," Aro said, raising one hand in reconciliation. "I mean her no harm. But I am so curious, about one thing in particular." _She blocks you, Edward. Does she block others, too?_ His hungry eyes devoured Bella. "May I?"

"Ask _her_." His disregard for Bella's sentience appalled me.

Bella's breathing hitched.

"Of course, how rude of me! Bella, I'm fascinated that you are the one exception to Edward's impressive talent – so very interesting that such a thing should occur!" _Ah, if only Eleazar were here._ "And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try – to see if you are an exception for _me_, as well?"

Bella's fear swept through me like a cold wind as her eyes met mine. We had no choice. She would have to let Aro attempt to read her if we were to live through the next minutes. Part of me hoped that he _could_ read her – then I would finally get to hear her thoughts…unedited. Did she hate me for leaving? Had she found another? Would she want me to stay if I saw her home safely? What did she feel when I touched her? There were so many things I could see.

Alice provided the answer, showing me Aro's eminent surprise and disappointment. _"So very interesting,"_ he said in her vision, clearly stymied by Bella, too. Her secrets would remain her own.

I nodded to Bella, and she raised a trembling hand toward the ancient vampire. As he stared down at her, adrenaline flooded her bloodstream. Aro terrified her, freezing her in place like a cobra that hypnotized its prey.

He waited for the parade of memories, but heard nothing. Just as I had tried, so long ago, he attempted to force himself into her head. He found nothing but the same frustrating silence.

The future became the present. "So very interesting," he said.

As much as I wanted to see inside Bella's head, I couldn't help the warm pride that filled me. The fact that she could block Aro was stunning – and she _was_ just a measly human, at least as far as he was concerned.

Bella straightened a tiny bit when Aro backed away, and glanced up at me, looking for assurance. Her shoulders relaxed a miniscule amount.

_I told you she was stronger than you thought_, Alice said, smothering her smile. The future was a flickering mass of images, all hinging on Aro.

Aro silently considered Bella, seeing in her a potential that was hard to resist. _If she can block both Edward and me as a human, how powerful would she be as an immortal? And to be tied so tightly to these two – also so unique. Carlisle has built quite a coven._ Clearly I saw a trio of dark robed vampires, with Aro in the center. The two on either side weren't Marcus and Caius, though. He erased it before revealing their faces. His offer to me returned, and he glanced at me before moving on to other subjects. "A first," he murmured.

Then his volatile thoughts took a new path. _Who else can she block?_ "I wonder if she is immune to our other talents… Jane, dear?"

The hatred burst out of me in a single word.

"No!" Bella would not be submitted to the torture that Jane could provide – it would kill her. There was a pull on my arm, but I freed myself easily.

_Edward, look…_

I ignored Alice's thoughts. No matter what she thought the future held, I couldn't let Bella endure more agony due to my negligence.

"Yes, master?" Jane said playfully. _Which will scream louder…the girl…or you, Edward?_

Felix shifted, ready to try and separate me from my love, but Aro stopped him with a look.

_Edward, it'll be all right,_ Alice tried again.

Aro was irritatingly calm. "I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune to _you_," he said evenly.

I pushed Bella behind me, hiding her from Jane's view. If I could get Bella onto my back fast enough, I could jump.

_It won't work,_ Alice thought. Felix was too close; he would grab my foot as I jumped, resulting in Bella crashing to the stone floor. I refused to watch the resulting melee in her vision, searching through the minds around me for a chink, a crack, that I could take Bella through and escape.

There were no holes. And the frustration of being cornered sent me into a frenzy. The vampires around us remained silent, waiting for Aro's signal to pounce. It would have to be a visual command, nothing could be heard above my snarls.

Another plan took shape in this last second. If I created enough of a diversion, Alice could take Bella away. There would be no future for me, but she would live and be protected. Today _would_ be the day I died, but I would perish whole, healed, knowing that Bella lived, and that she still loved me.

Alice's visions twisted in a murky fog as Jane tried to catch Bella in her gaze. Instinctively I leapt at Jane, blocking her view of my love completely. If only I could take her with me…but I wasn't fast enough.

The fog in Alice's vision cleared in that last instant, but I didn't see the future materialize. "Don't," was the last thing I heard before I hit the floor.

In less than a tenth of a second I was engulfed in flames, every cell screaming out in pain. I was burning from the inside out, my skin boiling away as my internal organs fried.

A scream fought its way out of my throat, but a soft _lub-dub_ silenced it. The gentle rhythm echoed over everything, drowning out the sizzling of my flesh.

Every muscle in my body seized; I had control of none of them. And yet I managed to keep my lips locked together, muzzling any sound I might make that could blemish the beat that kept me alive. _Bella, I love you._

"Stop!" Bella screamed, and the flames rose higher. My lips separated, baring my teeth. No, I wouldn't answer her cry. With my last ounce of strength I would spare Bella from hearing my weakness.

_Lub-dub, lub-dub._

"Jane," a soft voice said.

Just as fast as they flared, the flames waned. The absence of pain was as much of a shock as the application of it, and it took a few milliseconds to orient myself. _Bella…NO!_

"He's fine," I heard as I stood and stared at Bella, struggling in Alice's arms. In Jane's mind I saw the flames rise around the image of my love, and Bella twisted harder against my sister. _No! Not her…_

Watching her, I realized Bella wasn't in physical pain, but suffered, just the same. Only when our eyes met did she calm.

Jane turned the fire around my love even higher.

I turned to the angelic devil, preparing to spring at her again, but Jane's expression stopped me. Her smile had vanished, replaced by a frustrated grimace. _She will scream for me,_ the sadistic cherub thought.

Bella, too, saw Jane's failure and stopped struggling, melting into Alice in fear. She was safe.

_She's immune. If you'd just waited another second…_ Alice thought as I collected Bella in my arms again.

Aro's laugh couldn't drown out the hated growl rumbling through Jane's thoughts. She dropped into a crouch, intent on causing Bella pain one way, or another. Aro captured her shoulder before I had a chance to match her stance.

"Don't be put out, dear one. She confounds us all." _And she's only a human._ He chuckled again, picturing how I writhed on the ground. "You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once—just out of curiosity." His head wagged back and forth as he remembered the scream he made before his bodyguard stepped in. The whole experiment had lasted about three seconds.

I swallowed my snort.

"So what do we do with you now?" Aro asked, his testing complete.

I didn't need to see the future go blank to know that this was it. Bella quivered beside me, and not from the cold.

"I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?" _You'd hold a place of honor,_ he thought, picturing me in a robe as dark as Jane's.

Chelsea's humming returned, sweetening Aro's offer even further. I didn't have to look through Marcus's eyes to know that a blue thread of light was reaching out from Aro toward me.

The temptation was strong, but Bella's fear was stronger.

_You'd have access to millennia of history._

No, I would share Bella's fate. "I'd…"

_including works of art, literature, and music._

Her pulse raced. "…rather…"

_Bella could stay with you._

The thought of Bella surrounded by these creatures sealed my decision. "…not."

Aro didn't hesitate, turning his gaze on my sister. "Alice?" He also pictured her wearing the darkest gray, knowing she would see the result of his decision to elevate her to the highest level of the guard. "Would you perhaps be interested in joining with us?"

She didn't give Chelsea a chance, seeing only Jasper in her mind. "No, thank you," she said with deceptive politeness.

_Hmmm._ But Aro wasn't finished. "And you, Bella?"

Shock rolled through the room like an earthquake. A human had never been offered a position in the guard, let alone given the chance to say 'no.'

My disgust leaked out as a hiss in Bella's ear. Aro's offer was far from free.

Bella's eyes grew wide and her lips parted. Surely she couldn't be considering…

"What?" Caius snapped.

Aro answered as if he were teaching a class. "Caius, surely you see the potential. I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec." Both of the twins bristled at the comparison. "Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?"

_No!_ Bella didn't move, but she couldn't miss that Aro was offering her the one thing she'd always wanted. _That was before I left her, before I broke her._ Maybe she wasn't so interested in spending any excessive time with vampires any longer. But was it my company she'd wanted or had it been the immortality?

I'd not only broken her, but delivered her to this seat of evil. Aro saw Bella dressed in black, taking his regular guard's place by his side. Rage bubbled up in my chest, crept out of my lips with a low rumble.

"No, thank you," Bella croaked, her arm tense around my waist.

"That's unfortunate. Such a waste."

My growl morphed into another hiss as I played my last card. Niceties were no longer necessary. "Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought into _this_ room. So much for your laws."

Caius glanced behind me at Felix. _His insolence must be punished!_

_What?_ Taken aback, Aro gathered himself in an instant. "Of course not. We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you." His surprise was genuine, but he _had_ considered the convenience of facing us here.

"Aro, the law claims them!" Caius was irate at Aro's casual manner and my disrespect.

I looked him squarely in the eye. "How so?" He'd have to defend his double standard before killing us.

His finger rose toward Bella, and her trembling increased. "She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets." _How dare you question me, child._

I planned to do a lot more than question Volturi authority. "There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well," I accused. The argument was thin, but it was all I had left.

Alice remained quiet, waiting for the future to clear. All she could see was me, staring down at Bella. Was I the deciding factor?

_And so we reach the end,_ Caius thought, a grin stretching his ancient lips. "Yes, but when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us." _I know your intentions for her. _"That is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not." _Aro may think you strong, but I know the truth._

Bella's voice wasn't any louder than his. "I wouldn't…" she started, but her voice vanished under Caius's glare before he continued.

"Nor do you intend to make her one of us. Therefore, she is a vulnerability." His contempt sprouted into satisfaction. "Though it is true, for this, only her life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish." _But we know how likely that is, don't we?_

There were no words to express my anger, or my helplessness.

"That's what I thought," he said, happy to see he'd found the perfect punishment for me. Felix shifted behind us.

The mysterious view of the interior of an airplane flashed through Alice's mind, as Aro spoke. "Unless…" _Such conflict is not productive,_ he sighed. _The answer is simple, Edward._ "Unless you do intend to give her immortality?"

I searched Aro's thoughts, looking for the deception. "And if I do?"

"Why, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle." _She will make a wonderful immortal._ The thought darkened as the future became crystal clear. "But I'm afraid you would have to mean it." His hand rose in invitation. _There can be no deception on your part, my young friend._

_Her future is in your hands,_ Caius added with a sneer.

Two familiar images strobed through Alice's vision. I had to take Bella's life or her soul. There were no other options.

_Won't you give her what she really wants, Edward?_ Aro prodded. Ironic, that I'd always considered Fate a woman, but she'd taken form in his translucent skin.

For the first time since Bella fell into my arms as an angel, I faced her properly and gazed into her eyes. That moment in the plaza I'd had the audacity to think I could be with her forever in her paradise. And yet here I was, faced – AGAIN – with the choice of two evils. One choice would turn her chocolate eyes to a permanent ebony, her pupils fixed and dilated in death. The other would make her irises alternate between an inhuman red and a monstrous black, ever changing, driven by only one thing. Bloodlust. In either case, the warm, brown eyes of my Bella would be gone…forever.

"Mean it," she whispered. Bella searched my expression, looking for the answer I wanted more than anything to give her. Sorrow, weakness, selfishness…whatever she saw disturbed her. Or was it regret that shadowed her expression? In her selfless quest to save my life, she'd lost hers. Was immortality still her goal, or was it just escape? "Please," she pleaded.

_Please_…as if she had to beg.

The answer should be obvious – I wanted nothing more than an eternity with Bella. But I remained silent, trapped in the paradox. Every second of my indecision brought her closer to death, but still I struggled with condemning her to my existence. Was death really worse than denying her a true paradise with those she loved? How could I commit such an atrocity for my own desires? And after suffering the through the transition and waking to see me for who I really was, stripped of my predator's camouflage, how could Bella possibly stay with me? She'd hate me forever…which was what Aro was counting on, no doubt.

But I couldn't let her die. Not here, not now. _Not ever,_ my heart added. Could I mean it? Decisions can change…

_If you don't commit to your promise, he won't believe you,_ Alice's thoughts screamed, seeing the shake of Aro's head when he touched my hand. A split second later, Felix grabbed Bella, snapping her neck as he pulled her head back to get at her throat. She didn't even have time to make a sound.

_What if_…Alice thought, and the nightmare disappeared, replaced by a memory. I finally understood why she kept returning to the airplane flight. _"I'm debating whether to just change you myself,"_ she'd said, and been rewarded with a brief snapshot of her reunion with Jasper. At the time, the two events seemed unrelated, but now she understood.

_I'LL change her. He'll believe ME._ Suddenly a new future unfolded, with a strength and clarity that she hadn't seen since she'd seen I'd decided to come to Italy. In the Tuscan twilight, the three of us sped away from Volterra in a dark sedan. She searched ahead and saw a plane landing at SeaTac, and our family waiting in the airport.

She'd made the decision I couldn't. But could she sell Aro on her sincerity?

"_Certainly there's no problem,"_ Aro said with a smile in her vision.

Apparently she could. Hope ignited in my chest as I refused to think about what her decision meant for Bella. Escaping the Volturi was all that mattered – I'd deal with the consequences when we were far from here.

Alice stepped forward. Fueled by hopes of seeing some of her human life, she lifted her hand. I wondered if she would see – I'd assumed that when I viewed my past it was through Aro's mind, not my own.

Aro lit up like a supernova when Alice approached. He'd intended to find some reason to read her, but seeing her willingly offer her thoughts had him giddy as a child on Christmas morning. I shared Jane's abhorrence at the sight, though mine stemmed from disgust while hers was rooted in jealousy.

As soon as their palms met, Alice became a living statue as she threw herself into Bella's future. The past waited while Aro watched what could be unfold. She mentally repeated her choice. _I will change her,_ she thought, and the results of her determination washed over her.

"_Are you ready, Bella?" Alice asked._

"_Yes," she said with a shaky nod. Bella lay on a bed adorned with wrought iron roses and pushed her hair to the side._

_Alice smiled tightly then lifted Bella's wrist to her lips. _My sister, my sister, my sister_, she thought, fighting her growing bloodlust. _I can do this, for my sister.

My teeth crashed together as I fought back a hatred I never thought I'd experience toward Alice. _I'll kill you before I let you near her._

As if a stone had been thrown into a lake, the future shimmered, and I materialized by Alice's side.

"_No. If it's going to be anyone, it's going to be me." I pushed Alice aside, grim determination painted on my face as I leaned down and kissed Bella on the throat before baring my teeth. _Will you ever forgive me?_ my future self thought before mauling her throat._

Other scenes blinked by as Alice freed herself from the premonition…a human Bella apologizing to Jasper…an equally mortal Bella graduating from high school…then the change: Bella's writhing, shrieking form…and finally the woman I loved crouching in a pale blue dress and stilettos. Red eyes looked up at me in fear.

Alice took a breath and the visions ceased. She waited, but saw nothing more as Aro opened himself to the rest of her thoughts and memories.

Her human life was all but erased. I only saw one face, a woman with long, black hair and striking blue eyes. Probably her mother. I committed the image to memory – hopefully I could reproduce it for her later. The rest of her human life was dark, only screams and sobs penetrated the unending night.

What followed was mostly a repeat for me. Over the years I'd seen most of Alice's memories and her exploits as a clairvoyant. Aro was entranced as he saw her visions appear, then come to pass. I saw Bella jump off the cliff again and watched the black water swallow her. In the midst of the memories, he saw a vision of his own. Three cloaked figures, hand in hand. He the past, me the present, and Alice the future. True omniscience.

_Perhaps some day,_ he thought.

_NEVER_. The word fought to leave my lips.

I watched Bella crash into Alice's arms, saw her clutch herself at the mention of me with tears streaming down her face. Could she ever forgive me?

The memories continued. Charlie's face appeared, devoid of anything resembling forgiveness. His word flew by at high speed, but I caught his insinuation loud and clear. _Jacob Black and Bella?_

_No, dammit! Anyone but him!_ The reason I left was to give Bella a _normal_ life, to _protect_ her, not to push her into the arms of a destructive _mongrel_. They say the path to hell is paved with good intentions – I'd just upgraded it to a super highway.

Bella's breathing became more erratic the longer Aro stood frozen over Alice's touch. He'd found Alice's encounter with Black, and as he watched the boy fight to stay human, he compared what he saw to the creatures he'd encountered before. _These aren't Children of the Moon,_ he surmised, but I didn't care. Whatever they were, I vowed that Bella wouldn't have anything more to do with them.

Assuming we didn't die here.

Slowly Aro lifted his face, his reading of Alice completed while I fumed over the wolves. "That was _fascinating_!"

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." Alice smiled, but wasn't happy. She hadn't seen any of her own memories as Aro had extracted them.

Aro continued to compliment Alice, who fed his assertion that her view of the future had to be correct regarding Bella. He nearly giggled when he unintentionally repeated the words he'd seen himself say in her mind.

Caius, however, wasn't convinced, and felt even more threatened by us. "Aro," he warned. _We can't let them go!_

"Dear Caius, do not fret. Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household."

Jane grimaced again.

"Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!" _Such a quiet mind can only mean…_but Aro glanced at me and quashed the idea. _I do love happy endings, don't you?_ he thought instead.

"Then we are free to go now?" I asked. A murmuring of thoughts grew louder – someone was coming, a large group.

"Yes, yes. But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!" He sounded like a doddering grandfather. All that was missing was the 'don't forget to write.'

"And we will visit you as well," Caius threatened. "To be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We do not offer second chances." _This is not the end, whelp._

With freedom so close, I clamped my mouth shut, responding with a quick nod.

_Maybe you do have _some_ control,_ Caius smirked, then dismissed me as he went to sit by an unresponsive Marcus and wait for his meal to be delivered.

I wasn't the only one to hear the conversation of the group that had converged around Gianna's desk. The vampires around us shifted. Felix let out an impatient grumble.

"Ah, Felix, Heidi will be here at any moment," Aro said. "Patience." He listened carefully, detecting the hum of human hearts.

Lunch had arrived. We needed to go, now.

Alice echoed my anxiousness. _Edward, we have to get out of here,_ she warned, seeing the coming bloodbath.

"Hmm. In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later," I said.

"Yes, that's a good idea. Accidents do happen. Please wait below until after dark, though, if you don't mind." He glanced at Bella. _I'd hate for you to lose her again, _he thought. It was the loss of her potential talent he worried about, not her safety.

"Of course." We just had to get out of this room.

"And here," he said, waving a finger at Felix. "Take this. You're a little conspicuous." He unclasped the guard's cloak and tossed it to me.

I debated whether to put it on, but decided compliance was the fastest route. The wool would protect Bella from the cold, at least.

"It suits you," Aro sighed.

_If you're a Benedictine monk_, Alice added. _Even you aren't _that_ conservative._

I laughed, more at her comment than his, but stopped abruptly when the door to the antechamber opened. My head automatically turned toward the sound for a moment. Time to go. "Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

"Goodbye, young friends." Aro, and everyone else in the room, turned his attention to the arriving crowd.

"Let's go," I said, pulling Bella behind Demetri.

"Not fast enough," Alice warned, seeing us getting locked in with the feasting vampires. Instead of watching the outcome, I sped up.

We made it into the small entry before getting stopped by the unknowing victims. They filed past, unaware that their tour was about to meet a violent end.

Watching for a break, I held Bella against my side. I knew exactly when she realized what was happening.

The woman didn't speak English, but her tone and her tight grip on her rosary got Bella's attention. When the woman begged Demetri to let her leave, to escape the evil, Bella sucked in a breath through her teeth. I pulled her against my chest, trying to insulate her from the horror of the scene.

By the time we'd made it out of the chamber, Bella could barely walk, she was shaking so hard. Heidi, the tour 'guide' met us in the hallway. She eyed Bella.

_A reject? No, she wasn't part of my group._ Then she inspected me. _He's new. I hadn't heard about an addition to the guard. _She speculated silently until Demetri greeted her.

She looked at me again, hoping for an explanation of my presence, but Demetri was too anxious to quench his thirst to explain.

"Nice fishing," he said, motioning us ahead.

"Thanks. Aren't you coming?" Her smile was brilliant, and he returned it with a little more than friendly affection.

"In a minute. Save a few for me."

Bella shook even harder. I hurried her toward the doors that led to the lobby, hoping they were thick enough to muffle the sounds…but I was too late.

The cries of the dying began when we were five steps to freedom. Another sound joined them. A hum – no a _wail_ – was breaking free from Bella's lips, growing louder with every step.

How many times had I tried to explain what kind of monster I was, that I'd participated in the murderous evil that was happening in the room behind us? Only now did she truly understand.

The screaming had started. Could the running be far behind?

* * *

**_End Notes:_**

_Hope that was okay!_

_A couple explanations:_

_Didyme: Yes, Didyme was Aro's sister, but she wasn't HIS twin. It was common for the second baby, especially if it was a girl, to be just named 'twin'. Aro turned his sister, hoping she would be as powerful as he was, but her gift was to make everyone she encountered happy. I have to assume her twin, whoever he or she was must have died before Aro became a vamp, otherwise he would have turned them too. Or, maybe he did? Oh, the possibilities for more stories!_

_Marcus: Did you like him? He is what Edward would become, should Bella die and no one put him out of his misery. Chelsea keeps Marcus bound to Aro, and through that bond, keeps him alive. Poor guy!_

_The blue dress: No, Alice didn't see Bella in Breaking Dawn! She saw the culmination of her own decision, as it stood at the moment. But some things are destined, and apparently the blue dress was one of them! 8-D_

_Thanks so much for all your reviews and support! Anyone planning on attending TwiCon in July? I'll be there, along with a lot of fantanstic fanfic authors, so look for me!_


	17. Escape

_Author's Note:_

_So many wonderful reviews and comments on the last chapter – thanks so much! Many of you asked about Didyme – you can read SM's backstory on her website under Breaking Dawn - FAQ. She's Aro's younger sister, whom he changed, hoping she'd have as powerful a gift as he did. Her ability was spread joy – and many fell in love with her. She only fell for Marcus, though, and when she and her mate decided to leave the Volturi, Aro killed her in secret. He couldn't afford to lose Marcus's talent._

_Another point that was brought up was Caius – why is he around? SM's never said (as far as I know) but if he truly doesn't have any extra talents, I would speculate that maybe he knows Aro killed Didyme. He also knows the true nature of the Volturi – to collect power and rule, not just to protect and enforce (the common perception). I've always thought his talent might lie in the realm of strategy – that perhaps he was a successful leader in life. I wonder whether he or Aro was changed first. That'd be ANOTHER story to write…what if Vlad and Stefan changed them and then their children defeated them? hmmm…but I digress._

_And sorry to report, but I won't be doing eclipse from EPOV. I've done a couple of scenes, and may do a couple more, but I've got some other projects I'd like to work on. Sorry!_

_Strider, NoMoreThanUsual, and Roo keep this story sharp and on track - thanks to three extremely smart women for their continued help!_

_A big thanks to nnfarias on fanfiction for starting to translate Dark Side into Portuguese! Check out the link on my profile._

_There were many songs about coming home, and it was hard to choose. I like Michael Bublé's, but had to go with Daughtry._

_Songs: Home by Daughtry; Faithfully by Journey

* * *

_

**Escape**

The thick, ornate doors closed behind us and the screams faded, from human ears, at least.

Not only could I hear the cries of terror and pain with my ears, but in my mind. Some fought, some begged, some prayed – but one by one they all perished. Those that weren't fortunate enough to be in the first wave of victims clawed uselessly on the door, earning an anesthetizing blast from Alec. He wasn't worried about them escaping, only about the waste of their blood on the splintered portal, should their skin or fingernails tear.

Mixed with the thoughts of the dying were those of the consumers – the _superior_ species. The vampires may consider the humans cattle, but they were no more evolved than animals themselves. Hyenas...

No..._vultures_. They didn't bother to hunt, rather waited for others to procure their prey, leaving them only the task of devouring it. Barbarians.

Alice's revulsion was so complete that words couldn't describe her thoughts; her dry swallow and locked jaw her only commentary.

Overriding the clamor was a single, bone-chilling cry.

Bella.

Bella continued to spiral into hysteria, her voice echoing the helpless ache and appalling disgust that filled both Alice and me. While others died, she lived – still surrounded by fangless yet lethal creatures. No wonder she was breaking down.

I barely heard Demetri's hurried warning, "Do not leave until dark."

We marched through the overly human reception area. Adding to the surreal normalcy of this room compared to the gore of the one we'd just left, a sappy seventies ballad droned on about sailing to Never Never Land.

I led Bella gently, ready to catch her should she faint. She was safe physically, but had I killed her spirit? Had I stolen her soul after all?

The curious receptionist's concentrated thoughts joined the din in my head. _He wears the rank of one of the upper echelon, but doesn't dine with them?_ Gianna watched Bella stumble past. _She doesn't seem able to stomach the requirements for immortality,_ she thought with more than a touch of conceit. _And yet she lives?_

Bella didn't seem to register anything around us, the sound issuing from her vibrating lips getting louder and shriller, like a teapot coming to a boil. Her vacant eyes scared me the most...she'd receded into the safety of her impenetrable mind, leaving me alone.

Helpless to do anything else, I asked, "Are you all right?" but got no response. She stared at the doors we'd just passed through, tears streaming down her cheeks; each sweet drop a lance through my heart.

"You'd better make her sit before she falls, she's going to pieces," Alice said. _We can't leave yet,_ she thought, correctly reading my desire to whisk Bella away from this horrific otherworld.

Bella's eyes darted around, settling on Alice for only a second before returning to the doors. I guided her to the couch across the room, trying to comfort her with quiet shushing. She wouldn't calm, and her wails broke into screeching sobs.

"I think she's having hysterics," Alice guessed. "Maybe you should slap her."

I gaped at her. _Strike Bella? _My fingers curled in on themselves, ready to lash out, not at Bella but at anyone who'd want to injure her...including the wisp of a girl standing before me.

Alice's eyebrow arched ever so slightly as Bella sucked in a halting breath. _Relax, it was only a suggestion. Sometimes only words are necessary,_ she thought smugly. Apparently the mention of violence had been enough to shock Bella back into coherency. That didn't stop me from wanting to slap Alice.

Bella turned her empty gaze on me, then blinked rapidly, like she was waking from a hypnotic trance. The uncontrolled sobs became a more defined sorrow, quieter, but more pained. Guilty. Regretful.

I pulled Bella onto my lap, automatically chanting, "It's all right, you're safe." I arranged the cloak so her gossamer skin was protected from my inhuman touch. I wanted to tell her not to worry, that we'd find a way to keep her mortal – she was invisible to the Volturi, I could make her safe – but too many heartless ears were listening.

"It's all right, you're safe, Bella," I repeated. With a hiccup, the sobbing stopped, but the tears continued to flow.

Alice touched my shoulder. _It's working. _She turned her attention to Jasper, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw him promise Carlisle he'd wait a few more hours before heading to Italy himself. _We'll be home soon, _she thought to him more than me.

Bella took a trembling breath, and the shaking diminished. Even through the thick wool, I could feel her heat surrounding me, putting my memory to shame. How many endless days had I dreamed of holding her, my hands aching to touch her one more time? Sitting here, in this hellacious prison, I held in my arms the source of an all-consuming inferno the likes of which Dante never imagined, her delicious scent incinerating me from the inside out. And yet I never wanted to let her go.

"It's all right, you're safe. It's going to be okay." Over and over I chanted the words, willing her to believe me – wanting to believe them myself. But as she continued to cry, the truth was apparent: she'd finally grasped what kind of monsters we truly were. How would I live through losing her again?

Her breathing slowly returned to its even rhythm, and I expected her to shy away from my frigid touch.

She didn't.

"All those people," she croaked into the black fabric.

"I know." I wanted to tell her that we weren't like that; that we couldn't ever do anything so brutal, but the ever-present fire in my throat betrayed the lie. Bella had heard enough lies from me.

"It's so horrible," she said, her voice trembling along with the rest of her. I waited a heartbeat for the amendment: _You're so horrible._

It didn't come, and a familiar yearning filled me. But did I really _want_ to know what she was thinking?

Ever cognizant of her tenuous mental state I replied, "Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that."

_I wish_...so many things. Amidst the regret, amidst Bella's impending dismissal, my greatest wish had been fulfilled. My angel, my fragile, clumsy, beautiful angel had been resurrected – literally rising from the grave in order to save _me_. Could I dare to make another wish? Or would fate twist _it_ into a curse wrapped in a black cloak?

A particularly pained scream came from the feeding. Jane had found a victim with long, dark hair that resembled Bella's and was exorcising her own frustrations on the ill-fated woman. Thankfully Bella couldn't hear the screech – or Jane's sadistic cackle.

"Brutes," Alice hissed only to me. _And they call themselves civilized._

With one last deep, shuddering breath, Bella rested her head against me. She scrubbed the tears from her cheeks with the charcoal reminder I was forced to wear and seemed to relax. I thought the worst had passed. Then Gianna decided to "help."

"Is there anything I can get you?" the receptionist asked. Her intentions were rooted in genuine concern, though she didn't want to miss the opportunity to impress me, should I turn out to be someone of import in the Volturi hierarchy.

Bella lifted her face to stare at the woman, her expression a mixture of surprise and suspicion.

"No," I snapped, angry that she'd caused even an inch of separation between Bella and me.

Gianna didn't flinch, accustomed to the volatility of vampires. She gave me an understanding smile and walked back to her post, ready to return, should I give her the slightest indication I required her assistance.

Bella watched her leave. When Gianna had circled around her desk, Bella whispered, "Does she know what's going on here?" I didn't miss the accusation in her tone.

"Yes. She knows everything." _And she wants what you want...what you wanted._

A vindictive sneer curled Bella's tight lips. "Does she know they're going to kill her someday?"

"She knows it's a possibility," I said carefully. Her violent expression vanished, and Bella's eyes grew wide with obvious astonishment. "She's hoping they'll decide to keep her," I explained.

Bella paled. "She wants to be one of them?"

I nodded, my guilt shrouded in the rising joy at her use of the third person. As abhorred as Bella was, she didn't group me with the killers feasting yards away.

Her whisper barely rose above the anonymous Muzak. "How can she want that? How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of _that?_"

Had she forgotten everything I'd told her? We _all_ wanted to be part of that – the lust for human blood was as much a part of me as my fingers or my skin. I just wanted other things more. At a loss for words, my eyes were drawn to her pink lips.

"Oh, Edward," she wailed, her sobs louder than before. But instead of pushing me away, she threw her face into my chest.

Hesitantly I rubbed her back. If she was scared of me, why was she clinging to me? "What's wrong?" I asked.

Much to my surprise...and pleasure...she pressed herself even harder against me, wrapping her arms around me in a strangle hold. Bella's tears were liquid fire on my neck, dripping down the folds of the fabric onto my bare chest. "Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?" she whispered.

Automatically I tightened my grip around her, squeezing her as tightly as I dared, my love too exuberant for words. Woven into her words, her grasp, her tears, was one truth. She still loved me. Not even the moment she'd fallen into my arms beneath the clock tower was as sweet, for now I _knew_ she was alive, not some cheap imitation I'd conjured in my mind, and that her actions had been rooted not in selflessness, but in the affection she still felt for me in her heart.

Everything I ever wanted, everything that I'd been foolish enough to leave behind, sat in my arms, safe, protected. The sounds of death and torture were erased by the stuttered pounding of her heart as it beat life into mine. After all the tribulations – all the fear, the horror, the death – my Bella, my fragile piece of heaven, wanted permission to be happy.

The last victim surrendered his life's blood with only a defeated whimper, reminding me that this place was hardly one to inspire joy. And yet that's all I could feel. "I know exactly what you mean," I whispered, easing my grip just enough for her to lay her head against my chest and breathe. "But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For, one, we're alive." _You're alive._

"Yes, that's a good one."

Her soft voice seeped into me like a balm, filling me with so much love that I could only whisper, "And together." Nothing could make me any happier.

She nodded her agreement, and while my heart rejoiced, that little warning voice in my head wondered if I'd said something wrong.

I tried to buoy her spirit. "And, with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow."

"Hopefully," she said, disbelief permeating the word.

Alice immediately caught Bella's tone. "The outlook is quite good." She concentrated on Aro and saw him sending Alec out to release us after the last remnants of the carnage had been eradicated. Looking further ahead, she was greeted by the love-filled eyes of her mate. A brief snapshot of me, lying with a sleeping Bella, ended Alice's foray into the future. "I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours," she said. _It's really over._

Bella's frown surprised me – had she lost her faith in Alice's visions? Or was the prospect of seeing Jasper again causing her worry? She'd been adamant about holding him blameless months ago, had she recanted her forgiveness?

I touched the purple beneath her eyes, another sign of her physical frailty. Exhaustion was clearly taking its toll on my love; perhaps it was disguising her responses as well.

"You look so tired," I said.

"And you look thirsty," she responded, noting my own ebony eyes. Her worry faded into selfless concern and I had to repress a groan. My Bella always found a way to put herself last.

Could she understand how little my thirst affected me now? I could stand in a vat of blood if it meant keeping her safe. "It's nothing."

"Are you sure? I could sit with Alice," she said without enthusiasm. Her hand tightened around a fistful of cloak, and I took perverse pleasure in her lie.

"Don't be ridiculous." Bella's eyes unfocused as I exhaled. At first I worried she might be upset again, but then her heart skipped a beat. I half expected my heart to make up for the missing pulse when I realized I'd dazzled her...that I still could.

"I've never been in better control of _that_ side of my nature than right now." The other side of my nature yearned for me to open my cloak a little further so she could cool her cheek against my bare skin. Controlling that urge took much more effort than a simple swallow.

Bella recovered from my inadvertent distraction. Her brow creased, and she started to say something, but after a quick glance toward the receptionist, she abruptly pressed her lips tightly together. A plethora of emotions paraded through her eyes...anger, fear, desperation...all of which faded with a cautious sigh.

We had many things to discuss, not the least of which was the long-overdue apology I owed her. But this wasn't the place – not while we were still captive. But soon.

While Bella stared up at me, I detailed every minute change in her appearance. In the months I'd been gone, she'd continued aging, looking more mature than her eighteen and a half years. The hollows in her cheeks, the prominence of her chin...all things I'd attributed to her being a specter...spoke of the difficult time she had during my absence. Her thin hair was half a shade lighter and stood stiffly off her scalp. The purple under her eyes ran deeper than that caused by just a single night's loss of sleep – I guessed that it rivaled the rings under my own.

I slid my hand under her fist, and she concentrated her hold around my fingers. The startling definition of the bones in her hand and wrist made my empty stomach knot painfully. As insubstantial as she'd been before I'd left, I didn't need a scale to tell me she'd lost a little over nine pounds. And this was after she'd begun her recovery? I deserved to be flayed alive for what I'd done to her.

Alice interrupted my guilty thoughts. "So you ran all the way from Rome? I don't think that's the best way to get home." She spoke quickly, keenly aware of the nosy human at the desk across the room.

"What would you suggest?" Bella's gaze drifted to my lips as I spoke, but she didn't seem to comprehend what I said.

"We came in through Florence, but didn't have any time to really see the sights. The drive was fantastic, though." She giggled, hoping to find an equally responsive automobile to get us home.

"You did get lucky with that car. We'll need one with four real seats this trip."

"She could sit on your lap," she smirked. _At least I'll get to drive._ "If we can find a fast enough car, we'll make to Florence in time."

Bella's eyes sparkled as she glanced at Alice, and earned a wink from my sister. Her gaze didn't linger, though, and returned to inspect my hair.

_She's really something, Edward. She came after you without a second's hesitation. _ Alice didn't mean for the thought to continue, but I caught the gist. Bella wouldn't have left Italy alive if I'd succeeded.

I swore I'd never put her in that position ever again.

Alice moved on, picturing Florence and mentally ticking off names like Prada, Armani, and Versace like she was calling roll.

"In time for what, Alice?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"Just a little shopping. This is my first time in Italy, you know." _Gucci, Ferragamo, Luisa..._ The list went on.

"Bella's not going to be in any shape for an extended expedition. There are people waiting for us to get home," I said quietly. Only a few would be happy to see me...Charlie definitely wouldn't be one of them.

Alice nodded, knowing how anxious Jasper was.

Bella repositioned her hand so it was resting over my heart and I bent down and kissed her hair. Strawberries...she was still using the same shampoo. I covered her hand with mine, and after a second she spread her fingers so mine could mingle between hers. She didn't look up until Alice spoke.

"What was all that talk about _singers?_" Alice asked.

Bella perked up when I explained how she was what Aro called _la tua cantante_.

Alice laughed. _How appropriate. She's your singer, you're her music._

Her blood might sing, but it was just one refrain in the symphony that was Bella.

Alice's musings continued, and she not so subtly worked her way back to spending time and money in the Florence fashion district.

"What about Charlie?" I asked, making sure Bella couldn't hear me. "He's got to be beside himself." I didn't speculate on what kind of reception he'd give me; I could only hope that the bulk of his anger would fall on my shoulders and not Bella's.

Seeing a harried Charlie cross another phone number off a long list of Los Angeles area hospitals, Alice adjusted her plans. "You're right. Maybe Jasper will bring me back for my birthday." Too many decisions clouded her future to be sure what he might give her. She gave me a wry smile. _January 28__th__, mark your calendar._

"You've been busy, I see," I said, catching the highlights of her trip to Mississippi. Alice hadn't learned much of her past, but as she told me what she'd little she'd found, she looked at Bella.

_If it hadn't been for her, I would've never known._

Rather than relive those macabre moments in Phoenix, I kissed Bella's forehead. She didn't move, but her fragrant blush bloomed, warming my cheeks as well as hers. I longed to kiss her lips and feel her fingers knot in my hair – bask in her unrestrained passion – even if I couldn't return it. Her heart suggested that the desire still lurked within her, but she neither encouraged me to kiss her, nor dissuaded me. Perhaps it was this place, or sheer fatigue that influenced her. That would explain why she only managed a tight-lipped half-smile when I leaned back.

Alice continued to catch me up on the goings on that I'd missed. She tried to keep the conversation light, but when memories of Carlisle's remorse or Esme's melancholy crept in, I'd kiss Bella, knowing I'd inflicted even more pain on her.

_Catatonic_...as with everything else, I'd underestimated her capacity for grief. I touched my lips to the tip of her nose, wishing that something as simple as kiss could erase all the mistakes, all the turmoil I'd caused. Maybe that was what kept Bella so quiet...I hadn't even asked for, let alone been granted, her forgiveness.

_Finally_, Alice thought. Aro had just decided it was dark enough to release us. She also caught the results of another decision he'd made. Gianna wouldn't be getting the promotion she hoped. I tightened my grip on Bella. If not for Bella's uniquely shielded mind, he would have condemned her – and me – just as fast.

As expected, Alec was chosen to bring us the news. He stopped to instruct Demetri before coming to release us.

"If they cause any more trouble, you may deal with them as you see fit," he said in the same tone I would've used to read stock quotes. Our fate was of little interest to him.

He entered the reception area with a polite smile on his face. An able Cheshire Cat to Jane's evil Queen of Hearts, Alec oozed the same sugary, patronizing charm as a used car salesman. If he'd been trying to endear himself to anyone, he failed miserably. Bella buried herself even more deeply in the folds of the cloak under his gaze, her fingers trembling again.

Alec ignored her. "You're free to leave now. We ask that you don't linger in the city." His true, lethal disposition was evident in his blood red eyes.

"That won't be a problem," I said, not bothering to veil what I thought of his attempt at civility.

_Arrogant to the end,_ Alec thought before stalking off.

Bella took a halting breath as I helped her up, the color returning to her cheeks once the door closed behind Alec.

Gianna seized her final opportunity to assert herself again, seeing our dismissal as a possible opening for her. "Follow the right hall way around the corner to the first set of elevators. The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now."

Alice caught my frown and followed my gaze. _Goodbye, indeed._ She gave the receptionist a cold glare, knowing that the girl's fate was sealed – and earned. Gianna had helped facilitate the deaths of hundreds in order to earn immortality for herself and received no sympathy from my sister.

Bella's forehead creased as we passed, comparing herself to the wannabe vampire, I surmised. Gianna was prepared to do anything to get what she wanted...was Bella? What _did_ she want?

Anticipating freedom, Bella straightened up when the elevator doors opened on the ground floor. The glow of the fleeting twilight shone through the glass entry doors, and her gait quickened.

Once outside, she stumbled when she looked back over her shoulder at the fortress. If she was expecting someone to be following us, she was looking in the wrong direction. They lurked above, flitting from rooftop to rooftop, black shadows in a darkening sky.

_I'll meet you at the gate,_ Alice thought, outlining her plan to gather hers and Bella's things.

I glanced toward the roofline and raised an eyebrow.

_Thanks, I'll be careful._ She smiled brilliantly, then ducked between the buildings. "I'll only be a moment, Felix," she said, hearing Demetri order the hulking vampire to follow her.

"Why do I get stuck with the little one?" he mumbled to himself. _I can squash her like a bug._

"Ridiculous," I groaned, ignoring a drunken greeting from one of the human revelers. If Felix had ever seen Alice play tag with Jasper, he might understand how formidable she was. He'd be lucky to lay a finger on her before losing his head.

We continued to negotiate our way through the costumed crowd. With everyone dressed alike, the humans' natural aversions were dampened. Several smiled with their plastic fangs and began to compliment me on my cape and pale complexion, before they realized there was more to me than makeup.

"_Non sei_," one woman started, then cowered under my sneer. "..._terribili_?"

Above me, Demetri snickered. _I don't think you're so terrible._

Bella suddenly tightened her grip around my waist, making me wonder again if there wasn't something extra-sensory about her perception. But it wasn't Demetri she'd noticed.

"Where's Alice?" She rose to her toes to try and see over the crowd, her head swiveling around wildly.

I touched my lips to her hair before answering. "She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning."

Bella took a breath and blew it, and her panic, out with a _whoosh_. Lavender and freesia swirled around me, laced with the luscious fragrance of her blood. The burn didn't seem as intense, nor was it any trouble to ignore. Having lost her once, I knew I'd never thirst for her in the same way ever again.

When she looked up at me again, I saw a glimmer of the untroubled Bella I had no right to call mine. Her lips softened, and she almost smiled. "She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?" she said, her voice lowered conspiratorially.

This from the girl who reminded me on more than one occasion that she was a police chief's daughter. I nearly laughed out loud. "Not till we're outside."

I couldn't help but beam at her. She was safe, and I'd have her all to myself for at least the next twelve hours. Not a fantasy, not a memory, but my real, human, perfect Bella. Only a few more blocks and we'd be truly free.

Bella stumbled again, her eyes locked on mine, and I repositioned my arm so that I could easily lift her feathery frame, should she even hint at tripping.

Half-carrying her, we made better time, reaching the opening in the city wall as Alice pulled up in a black Audi.

Walking under the portcullis, Bella looked up and shivered, making me wonder what had bothered her. Our escorts had leapt to street level and lingered at the fringes of the crowd, so there was nothing threatening above us. The wooden spikes would be no match for me, surely she knew that.

"I'll be seeing you," Demetri said softly, reestablishing my mental fingerprint in his mind. He might be able to find me, but I couldn't find any evidence of Bella's essence in his thoughts. I hid my smirk as I helped Bella into the car. Before I got in the opposite side, I shot Demetri a malignant glare. _And we'll see you coming,_ I wanted to say. But even I wasn't so arrogant as to provoke him this close to liberation.

Without a word I opened the door behind Alice and sat next to a stunned Bella. She did a double take between me and Alice, then slid under the arm I offered. At first her reaction confused me, but then I realized that we rarely shared a back seat together. The irony of that fact wasn't lost on me – teenagers, especially teenage boys – considered the back seat of a car their playground. And while I wasn't such a base creature, I had to admit that being able to focus all my attention on Bella was quite pleasing.

"I'm sorry. There wasn't much to choose from," Alice said, her eyes smiling at me in the mirrors. _Didn't you almost get Carlisle an A8?_

I did, until I saw the AMG version of the Mercedes. The idea of acquiring an Audi hadn't totally left me, though, and sitting in one reminded me how much I liked this car. It wasn't like I couldn't afford them both...I glanced down at Bella. Her ancient truck couldn't last much longer...

Whipping through the curves, Alice groaned. Even with its precise German construction, the car couldn't take the corners at near triple digits like her previous vehicle. _We had a great ride up,_ she thought, and I was rewarded with an image of the dash and bumblebee color scheme of the Porsche she'd stolen.

I smothered a chuckle. She'd put any professional car thief to shame. "It's fine, Alice. They can't all be 911 Turbos."

"I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous." _Even Bella liked it._ She showed me my love's face, surrounded by black leather with the scenery a blur out the window next to her. Every time Alice had touched the brakes on the way to Volterra, Bella had leaned forward, silently willing the car to speed up.

"I'll get you one for Christmas." It was the least I could do. And maybe an A4 or TT for Bella.

With a huge grin she said, "Yellow."

Of course. Subtlety had never been Alice's forte.

As she listened to our quick banter, Bella reclined against me. Her head rested on my shoulder, her hair falling across her eyes as she stared out the windshield.

"You can sleep now, Bella. It's over," I said softly. I brushed the hair back, unwilling to have my view of her face obstructed, even as she slept.

She swallowed loudly and pulled herself up straight. "I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired."

Another fabrication – was she lying to me or herself? "Try," I said, blowing the word toward her. Only sheer will was keeping her from sleep – why? I kissed a particularly sweet spot below her ear, ostensibly to encourage her eyes to close, I told myself, but enjoying the tingling shiver we shared just the same.

Bella's eyelids fluttered, but she shook off the urge to close them completely.

"You're still just as stubborn," I sighed, trying one last time to coerce her into slumber, but she refused to be dazzled this time. Nor did she offer an explanation.

My curiosity was lost in the innocent plea for understanding in her shadowed eyes. I couldn't argue further. I was certain that if I started humming she wouldn't be able to stay awake, but I didn't. Maybe she'd give in and rest on the plane; she deserved the peace that sleep brought.

I didn't help her stay awake, though, silently rubbing her arm or back. Alice was our only audience, and she busied herself mentally humming a _Police_ anthology she knew I particularly liked. Bella split her attention between me and the road ahead, switching when she felt her head drooping. It was as much privacy as we could ask for – and yet I remained quiet.

For a while I waited for Bella to speak, to try and get a bead on where her thoughts lay. Eventually I admitted my selfishness...Bella seemed content to be with me now; any apology I attempted would only serve to remind her how I'd not only broken her heart, but put her in mortal danger. Even if her silence was evidence of her justified distrust, her unshakable grip on me proved she found some comfort in my presence. So I maintained the silence, finding much more than comfort in her arms.

With a sigh, Alice reluctantly slowed and merged with the stream of cars heading into Florence. At first I thought the creeping traffic was the cause of her irritation, but I should've known better.

_Only Milan bests Florence for fashion,_ she thought wistfully. She checked the clock on the dash, and the car lurched forward. _We might still make it._ I'd been too immersed in Bella's movements to see what Alice was planning, and why the driver's choice to run the light ahead of us made any difference.

With a sharp jerk, she followed the car through the intersection, weaving between cross traffic.

"Alice..." I warned. Bella hadn't seen the near-miss, thankfully.

"You know what they say, Edward, 'no shirt, no shoes, no service.' We only have about ten minutes before the store closes, anyway." She paused, needing only a tenth of a second to check our schedule. "Yes!"

Bella remained silent during our quick exchange, stretching a little when we stopped in front of a row of shuttered clothing shops. A few tourists wandered the street; only one store across the way still glowed brightly.

"I have shoes," I reminded Alice as she dashed out of the car.

"Since when does that matter? You're just lucky that _A. Testoni_ closed already." She met the shopkeeper at the door, and with a wave of her credit card, was escorted in.

Bella rubbed her eyes and tried to hide a yawn. "What Alice wants, Alice gets," she said.

I chuckled and loosened my hold on her, giving her yet another chance to separate herself from me while hoping she wouldn't move an inch.

"Thankfully, she's also fast." Inside the store, Alice already had two outfits picked out and draped over the woman's arm.

Bella heaved a sigh and frowned. Something I'd said upset her, again, but what? I couldn't believe she _wanted_ to shop with Alice. She shifted, but didn't let any space come between us, contradicting her distress.

I stroked her hair, and she turned her face so my palm brushed her cheek with each pass. At least my touch pleased her, if my words didn't.

In record time, Alice had completed the transaction and stood at the door of the shop, waiting. _Grab our bags. We'll take a taxi from here._ She'd seen that our car had already been reported as stolen and would attract undue attention under the bright lights and security cameras at the airport.

"Bella, we're going to leave the car here and take a cab to the airport. Alice can arrange for you to change and use the restroom, if you'd like."

She didn't move at first, then took a deep breath and slid away from me. "I'd like that, actually." Her lips bulged as she swept her tongue across her teeth. With a scowl, she reached over the front seat and grabbed her backpack.

I escorted Bella across the street. The owner invited us in and locked the door behind us. _Questo senso, signore_." She motioned to the back, eyeing my cloak and correctly guessing where I'd been.

"_Grazie_," I replied.

Alice wrapped an arm around Bella, stealing her away from me.

"Here you go, Bella. I removed all the tags, your outfit is ready to wear." She paused next to a curtain. "Your clothes are in there, Edward. We'll just be a minute."

I kissed Bella's cheek and prepared myself to let her out of my sight. "I'll be back in a flash."

Bella nodded, but her knuckles were white as she squeezed her hands together. Slowly she let Alice lead her to the back of the store. "I brought clothes to change into," she tried to argue.

"Sweats do not constitute clothes, Bella," Alice chastised.

I changed, then calculated the value of _e_ to the 300th decimal place. The owner still raised her eyebrows when I emerged from the dressing room so soon, but I was past the point of caring.

"Much better," Alice said, eyeing my new shirt and slacks. She had my new jacket draped over her arm. _Can we get rid of that?_ meaning the cloak bunched in my hand.

"I'll take care of it. The car?"

Alice giggled. "I'll be back in a flash," she said, mimicking me just a little too well. "Meet you outside."

I didn't answer, seeing Bella striding toward me with a decisive clip in her step. She tugged at the hem of her new sea-green blouse. It fit perfectly, of course, emphasizing her maturity and beauty. The sight rendered me speechless.

I took the backpack from Bella and offered her my arm. "Shall we?" I said hoarsely.

Carefully she looped her hand under my elbow and nodded again, with a little more enthusiasm this time, but didn't smile.

That was the one thing I was waiting for...her smile. Even though she clung to me and seemed to relish my touch, there was always a tentativeness, an uncertainty with every motion. She wanted to be with me, but was scared, too. Or was it something else?

Until she told me, I wouldn't know.

We exited the shop and met Alice on the sidewalk. She raised her arm, but the first cab didn't slow. _The second taxi will stop,_ she thought, seeing the white car screech to a halt and deposit its passengers right in front of us. She envisioned a different dark-haired woman stepping out of the car and recognizing me. _Who is she?_ Alice wondered.

Noting the empty alley next to us, I hastily pulled my arm from Bella's grip. "I'm going to dispose of this. I'll just be a minute."

Bella looked at me curiously. "Um, okay?"

The car door opened as I sped off. Ducking into the nearby alley, I dumped the Volturi uniform in the garbage and flattened myself into the shadows. The woman and her friend emerged from the taxi and started toward the shop we'd just left. The lights winked off as she reached for the door.

"Darn, they just closed!" The first female voice wasn't one I knew. "Oh, well. Maybe we can find a café in the piazza. I can't believe the deal you got on that purse!"

Her companion's Texas twang was unmistakable, though. "I know! I should buy four or five more and sell them back home." Marcy, the woman who'd sat next to me on the flight from Rio, was alive and well...and sporting a new handbag. "Coffee sounds good. We can plan our schedule for tomorrow. David can't wait any longer," she said with mock seriousness. Her mind embellished the image she'd seen in the brochure on the plane, and then she remembered me. _I hope he's doing better,_ she thought briefly.

"Perfect," was her companion's eager reply. The two strolled down the street, discussing the pluses and minuses of a man made of stone. Neither noticed me as they crossed the mouth of the alley.

Shutting out their lewd thoughts, I joined Bella in the taxi. She looked up at me with a relieved sigh and inspected the smile I gave her. I lifted her hand, watching her face as I caressed her palm with my lips. Her pulse raced, and her breathing hitched, just like it always had. But no smile accompanied the reaction.

After warning the driver in flawless Italian to take the most direct route to the airport, Alice looked back over her shoulder and saw the worry crease my brow when Bella settled against my shoulder. _She's exhausted, Edward. Once she gets some sleep, she'll be back to normal._ She showed me the smile I was searching for glowing up at me in the moonlight.

I forced a grin at her by way of a thank you.

We passed the women I'd hidden from, and Alice looked at me again. _You knew her, didn't you? _She reviewed the visions she'd had of me, flinching again at the number of times she'd seen me die. When the flyer for Volterra appeared in Marcy's hand, she smiled._ I think you saved her life._ Alice had seen how my future unfolded based on that conversation, not the human's.

I shrugged, but couldn't help but feel like I'd scored another victory over the Volturi. Even though another had taken her place, Marcy lived, and would return to her family, safe and sound.

Just like Bella.

* * *

_End Notes:_

_First - I don't know when Alice's birthday really is - January 28th is my own invention. I couldn't find that SM had listed an actual date for her._

_UPDATED_

_Thanks to Camilla for correcting my Italian! I'm so jealous of you, my dear, for seeing the fliming of NM in Italy!_

_The Bellies: Dark Side of the Moon was nominated for two awards: "Canon Fic that's Better than Canon" and "Best T rated story." The nominations were announced on the Twilight Temptations podcast and will be posted on Monday (6/28) on the Eddies and Bellies site. __._

_THANKS to everyone who nominated me - I'm stunned! Congratulations to all the nominees - there's a lot of great writing on the list. My favorites list will be growing, I can tell.  
_

_Voting starts on July 15th - and I'm working my butt off to get you all a new chapter before then. It's looking good so far! When the voting starts, I'll be at Harry Potter... hee hee hee!_


	18. Speechless

_Author's Note:  
_

_Wow - this is a LONG one. I hope it's worth the length (and the wait)._

_Thanks, as always to my betas. Strider turned this chapter around in record time, and JxA fans can thank NoMoreThanUsusal for the addition of some Jasper and Alice lovin'._

_If you're inclined, voting for the Bellies is open until 9PM Eastern today (August 5th). You can find Dark Side of the Moon under "Canon Fic That's Better Than Canon" and "Best Non-Smutty Story." I'd love your vote!_

_www (dot) thecatt (dot) net_

_Mood music for this huge chapter (there was so many songs, it was hard to pick):_

_Little Wonders by Rob Thomas, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol; Fortress Around Your Heart by Sting_

* * *

**Speechless**

With Alice's vigilance, and her monetary incentive waving in the cabbie's face, we made it to the airport without undue delay. Giving her credit card another workout, she pocketed our tickets, thankful when I produced my passport.

Passing through security, a growl came from...Bella?

"When was the last time you ate?" I asked. Spying her hand massaging her stomach, I glared at Alice.

My diminutive sister returned my leer. "We were in a rush." _Someone left their phone in Rio and I couldn't get a hold of him,_ she teased carefully.

My jaw tightened at the reminder, and I swallowed hard. The consequences of so many poor decisions on my part were far-reaching. This was just the tip of the iceberg.

Hearing another low rumble from Bella, Alice sighed. _Really, I tried to get her to eat on the plane. She's as stubborn as you are._

"I wasn't hungry anyway," Bella said, taking particular interest in the way our hands were locked together. "But dinner does sound good."

I led Bella directly to the small airport restaurant and inspected the tiny restaurant's menu. When I'd completely filled the table with plates of food, Alice excused herself and dashed off to the duty-free store, more to avoid the smell than to shop. Bella stared after her until Alice was out of sight, then picked up her fork.

For not having eaten in nearly twenty-four hours, Bella didn't consume much. She eagerly downed two Cokes, reminiscent of another dinner I shared with her a lifetime ago. Staring at the second bottle, she chewed her lip, and I wondered if she was remembering the same pivotal night. The monsters she'd faced that day were nothing compared to those I'd brought down on her this time.

She didn't speak her thoughts and ate in silence, always keeping one hand on mine, looking away only to spear another tiny morsel. Unlike that evening over a year ago, she didn't pepper me with questions, though she seemed just as anxious. I wanted to ask what was bothering her, but didn't want to interrupt her abbreviated meal. Finally she licked her lips, and I started to speak, but Alice interrupted.

"We should go," she said, quirking her eyebrow at me. _You'll have her all to yourself soon._

The first leg of our journey was short and bumpy. Bella barely got settled before the pilot announced our descent into Rome. While her hands and eyes stayed locked with mine the entire trip, her expression remained guarded. Whenever the cabin shook, her grip tightened, and I would give her a reassuring smile. The pilots were well in control, and Alice saw nothing but a happy landing...when she was looking.

My brother had taken center stage in Alice's concentration. His patience dwindling, Jasper had made a reservation on the next flight out of Fairbanks, but he wasn't planning on going to Seattle, like he'd told Carlisle. He'd booked a flight to Chicago instead, and planned to head east – to find Alice, one way or another. Once he got on the plane, he'd be unreachable, and Alice was starting to panic.

_I have to call him! He doesn't know we're safe._ Without an on-board phone available, she fingered the inoperative cell phone in her pocket, regretting not calling Jasper from the airport in Florence. _Maybe in Rome..._

She saw us running through the airport, barely making our flight to Atlanta, and adjusted her plans once again. _Just a few more minutes, Jazz, please,_ she silently begged.

We dashed off the plane, hearing the final call for our connection. Bella struggled to keep up, clinging to my sleeve as I practically carried her through the quiet terminal. Breathing hard, she flopped into her assigned seat while I stowed her bag overhead. Maybe now she'd rest – the circles under her eyes had darkened another shade since leaving Volterra. Her alabaster skin contrasted with the purple, seeming to pale even more as I watched. Add a little sparkle, and she'd pass for a vampire.

_Bastard_, I swore at myself. And I'd thought myself above Aro. The truth was...

_NO!_ I refused to acknowledge the truth. Not now, not after she'd nearly sacrificed _everything_ on my behalf. Instead, I pretended that I wasn't that monster, and sat next to Bella, opening my hand to hers.

She caught my gaze first, scrutinizing my eyes, my cheeks, my mouth. Her heart stuttered as she set her fiery fingers in my icy grasp. It took several seconds for the tension to ease, but then her eyes returned to mine, endless pools of warmth, and I eagerly drowned in their depths.

As the plane angled up into the sky, Alice nearly ripped the AirPhone off of the seat in front of her.

Bella cocked her head, hearing my sister's frantic call.

The phone rang only once. "Jazz, stop, we're fine!" The words flew by so fast I had to concentrate to catch them.

"Alice." Even without Jasper's presence, I felt every bit of the fear, frustration, and overwhelming relief wrapped in his single word. "You're all right?"

"Yes," she said in a whoosh. "We all are."

"How much longer?"

"Seventeen hours and, oh, fifty-eight minutes," she said, closing her eyes as the future solidified. "Not long."

He sighed; clearly disagreeing. "I was so worried."

"I know, Jazz. I'm sorry I didn't call earlier. I told you I'd get out." She tried to make light of how close to death she'd actually been.

Jasper didn't respond for five full seconds, and Alice called his name, afraid she'd lost the connection.

Another exhale confirmed he was still there. "I know you lied to me," he whispered.

Alice froze, surprised for once. _He knew? Oh, no..._

He continued, his voice soft and understanding. "And I know why you did." I wondered if he'd guessed her reaction or if his link to Alice was strong enough to cross this vast distance.

"Can you forgive me?" She didn't look for the answer. Guilt had erased her desire to second guess her mate.

"Come home to me and find out."

Neither Alice nor I had any doubt that she'd be forgiven.

As I tried to tune out the rest of their intimate conversation, I turned my focus back to the exhausted angel next to me. I dared not compare my lie to Alice's; forgiveness would not come to me so easily. Instead I lost myself in Bella's eyes, rejoicing in the life that shined brightly in their depths.

A long blink reminded me that I should release her from my stare and let her sleep. Would she let herself drift off, now that we'd left Italian soil for good?

The answer was "no." The first thing that Bella did after the seatbelt sign was extinguished was press the attendant call button. Her first words since Florence were directed at the uniformed stranger. "May I have a Coke, please? And can you leave the can?"

"Of course. Anything for you, sir?" The woman deliberately flipped her hair over her shoulder and broadened her smile.

I shook my head, ignoring the attendant's unwanted attention. "Bella," I groaned. Eventually, she'd pass out from fatigue...why was she fighting the inevitable? And I wanted nothing more than to cradle her while she slept, to protect her when she was her most vulnerable.

"I don't want to sleep," she said, shaking her head in defiance. I expected anger, distrust, but her voice faded. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."

Stunned, I had no response. So wrapped up in my own selfish desires, I'd completely missed the obvious. Bella feared not only nightmares of horrors that could be; I'd given her memories of the most grisly kind – of things that were. On top of everything I'd put her through, I'd stolen one of the blessings of humanity from her – the peace of sleep. Would I ever bring her anything but pain?

Would I be the one haunting her night terrors?

Behind me, Alice overheard Bella's fears. _She hasn't been sleeping well for a while, Edward._ The vision of Bella curled peacefully against me in her bed returned, distracting me before I could continue my self-flagellation. _Now that you've come to your senses, I see only restful nights and happy days._

I snorted quietly, half expecting her to pass me a fortune cookie. For a moment I seriously considered having her clichéd prediction printed up and encapsulated in flour, sugar and water. I'd only need a few minutes to place the order.

Alice let out a quiet "ha ha" when she saw the box of confections being delivered to our front door by a human in a brown uniform. I immediately discarded the idea, earning a snort from the seat behind me.

After warning Jasper about both the wolves and Victoria, Alice asked for Carlisle. Curious, I spared enough attention to listen to my father's voice over the even thumping of Bella's heart.

Alice and Carlisle discussed how to handle our homecoming. _Poor Charlie, _she let herself float into the future and saw Bella's father tossing and turning in his bed, hours from now. Then the image of fingers dialing a phone shimmered over the scene. The area code was Seattle, and the hand belonged to Charlie.

"_Dave, do you still have that contact at the FBI?" _he said into the receiver.

"Be sure and call Charlie early," Alice warned Carlisle.

Over the phone, Carlisle's assent was less than enthusiastic. "Very well. Are you sure there isn't another way?"

_Carlisle's not happy about blaming you, _Alice thought.

She and Carlisle had gone round and round, trying to fabricate a believable story that fit with the few facts that Charlie had. Thinking we'd moved to Southern California, Charlie would accept that Bella could have gone there. As for Carlisle, and why he hadn't called Charlie sooner, they'd taken Bella's policy of "less is more" to heart. Carlisle would posit a story that he and Esme had been out of town at a medical conference, and had been shocked to find Bella in their living room when they'd returned late last night. After questioning the three of us ad nauseum and getting no answers, he'd made getting Bella home his highest priority, calling Charlie as early as was reasonable.

Playing the irritated parent was a huge stretch for Carlisle, but Alice did her best to convince him that it was the only way to avoid unanswerable questions from Bella's father.

"How do you think Charlie would've felt if he'd found Edward in his house at two in the morning?" she'd asked when Carlisle had resisted. She didn't add the "especially after what he'd done to her" that should have followed.

I ducked my head in acknowledgment, knowing she'd see it over the top of the seat. He _should_ blame me - this entire disastrous situation was my fault. Truthfully, Carlisle shouldn't even have to act the part of a disappointed parent; I'd more than earned his disfavor.

With a little more coercion, Carlisle reluctantly agreed that an irate, uninformed response was appropriate, and would be purposely vague, citing my insistence that getting Bella home was more important than explanations. Charlie would be suspicious, but as the father of an equally stubborn teenager, Alice saw he would accept the story. For now.

Just before ending the call, Carlisle cautiously asked if I would be staying, after we delivered Bella safely home. His jubilance at Alice's assurance that I would remain both cheered and saddened me. Yet again the man I revered was welcoming me back home after a disastrously short-sighted decision on my part. His compassion knew no limits.

Emmett's playful "it's about time" and Esme's quiet "this is where he belongs" echoed in the background along with a faint sigh. Unlike her previous call, Rosalie was at a loss for words it seemed.

"Thank you, Alice. We'll be waiting for you at the airport," Carlisle said, his smile lingering in his voice.

My parents' excitement at my return wouldn't be shared by Bella's father. I didn't need Alice to know that Charlie's reaction to our arrival would be beyond furious, bordering on violent, but her second sight confirmed my assumption. The fact he wouldn't listen to anything I said wasn't much of a surprise either, but left us all waiting on what Bella would decide to tell him. I hoped I could be there when she dealt with her father, to take some, if not all, of the blame, but knew that was nigh on impossible. Charlie had to hear the 'truth' from Bella alone, and would undoubtedly punish her for what was possibly the bravest thing she'd ever done in her short life.

The list of my transgressions against such an innocent and selfless creature was endless. Her forgiveness surely wasn't as infinite.

"We'll see you all soon," Alice said brightly before hanging up.

Bella's drink arrived, and after she'd had a sip, I crooked a finger in her direction. Seeing that Bella would continue to refuse sleep, Alice had passed up booking us roomy, but individual, first class berths in favor of less private, side-by-side business class seats. I was more than happy that Bella was always within arm's reach, but she still wasn't close enough. The armrest between us was a mile wide if it was an inch, and I needed to feel her against me. When she wasn't in my arms, I had to remind myself she was real, that I wasn't hallucinating.

She took another swig, then stood, eyeing the blanket I held open for her. There it was again – that almost pensive pause – as if she was expecting me to deliver a punchline. She swept her hair to the side, erasing the expression and settling into my embrace with the lightness of a fluff of down. Her touch melted away all my curiosity, warming the frozen lump in my chest that doubled as a heart. I drank in her closeness and feasted on her beauty as she stared at me, wide-eyed. She curled up in my lap like the last six months didn't exist.

I caught Bella's dainty fingers and brought her knuckles to my lips. She watched our hands rise and her heart stuttered, causing one corner of my lip to creep up. _This_ was exactly what I expected, and once again wished that my body was capable of responding in kind. The tiny V between her eyebrows reappeared when I let our hands fall back down to her lap, but it too vanished after I brushed it with my lips. Her scent rested on my tongue, sweet and delicious, but my greatest desire wasn't to feast but to savor.

Each molten swallow of unused venom became another layer of resolve guaranteeing I'd never consume her blood again. I imagined the blistering in my throat becoming thick and calloused, just like the hands of a master craftsman. Athletes and artists alike fought constant injury and strain in order to indulge in what they loved. I was no different. The pain was trivial compared to the reward.

Bella looked up at me, her brown eyes scouring my face, her stare giving me imaginary butterfly kisses everywhere it roamed. She didn't speak, but seemed to read me like a fascinating book. Of course – I'd stolen all her photos. No wonder she appeared to be seeing me for the first time.

I shared the same awe as I looked down at her. Even though I'd memorized her every feature, down to each individual eyelash, my mind wasn't capable of recreating the beauty that was Bella. Nothing in nature or art could compare – and no one deserved her less.

As if hearing my lament, her fingers wrapped around mine – rose petals clinging to steel. Contrary to any fear I might have seen in her eyes, her grip told me she had no intention of letting me go.

At least until I'd apologized. Selfishly, cowardly, I held my tongue.

Bella, too, remained speechless. Perhaps she was too tired to indulge in curiosity, or perhaps she'd already learned too much. Now that my lie had been exposed, maybe she wouldn't believe another word I said. And yet, her eyes never left mine. Could she see the truth in them?

And so we sat, wordlessly re-learning each other's features, dazzling each other, she'd say. I'd gladly welcome an eternity of this.

Eternity lasted forty-seven minutes. Bella's mouth turned down, and she readjusted herself on my lap. Two minutes later she repeated the process.

"Are you cold? Let me get you an extra…"

She grabbed my hand as it rose to the orange call button, her deliberate touch sending a thrill through me even after so many hours of constant contact. "No, no, I'm fine." She must have read the disbelief on my face because she sighed and glanced at the back of the cabin. Slowly she slid off of me. "I'll be right back."

All that caffeine…I hated the way it affected Bella. I'd rather she slept peacefully in my arms than have to leave me to use the restroom. I started to rise, but she shook her head and rested a shaky hand my arm as she passed. "I'll only be a minute. Just don't go anywhere, okay?" Her frown ruined the joke.

I held my tongue. There was a time when she'd most certainly point out that the necessity for both Coke and restrooms could be alleviated with a single, lethal nibble.

Rather than instigating _that_ argument, I nodded, and prepared myself for the sixty seconds of hell her absence would bring. The memory of how empty my life had been without her lurked at the edges of my consciousness, ready to engulf me in blackness. _She's alive, she's safe,_ I told myself, willing myself to stay seated.

Bella looked back at me with a darkness that made my chest ache. She paused next to Alice's seat, and touched my sister's shoulder. Her expression softened into one of deep trust and sincere appreciation. "Thank you," she whispered fiercely. The finality of the words struck a cold chord.

Alice gently squeezed her hand. "You're welcome, Bella, but it's me who should be thanking you."

Bella stared intently at my sister, her eyes narrowing slightly, like she wanted to ask something, but then changed her mind with a nod. She pulled her hand away slowly, lovingly, then sped to the back of the cabin.

I'd just realized that I had yet to thank my sister when she appeared in the seat Bella had just vacated. The door to the toilet clicked shut as Alice spoke. "Esme's going to be so glad to see you." She showed me our mother's glowing face, golden eyes sparkling with unshed-able tears, waiting for us in the airport. But it was Alice's smile that tore at my chest. Even though I'd known Alice would try and stop me, the fact that she'd been willing to leave her mate and risk her life do it was just starting to sink in.

"Alice…" I mumbled. Gratitude and remorse grappled inside me, but neither "I'm sorry" nor "thank you" made it across my lips.

She tried not to remember the dastardly vision I'd given her, but it crept into her mind. In that once-possible future, I didn't cry out when guards descended on me, vaporizing me in seconds. It was Alice that screamed in her thoughts as she watched me die.

She gave the back of my hair a playful yank, dispelling the disturbing image. "You were the one that showed me how pliable the future is." Her thoughts filled with the sight of me sucking the venom out of Bella's hand, an option she'd been unable to foresee._ And I wasn't letting you get away from me that easily,_ she thought, squeezing me tight. _You're my favorite brother._

Her smile widened, exposing every one of her tiny poisonous teeth, and she put her hand on mine. "I know you'd do the same for me."

Embarrassed, I wasn't sure I shared her faith in my ability to capitulate, should our places be reversed. Would I leave Bella behind and forfeit my life to save Alice? I thought of Bella, safely tucked away at home, and Alice, facing down a menacing Felix. No, I couldn't let my sister meet an end such as that. I _would_ fight to save her, given the choice.

Alice winked, seeing my indecision fade. Finally I found the words I was searching for, inadequate though they may be.

"You were right, you know? I should have listened to you." She waited patiently as I made the first of many painful apologies. "I'm so sorry."

"Yes, you should've listened," she said sternly, but reached up and pinched my cheek. "Remember that," she commanded, humor dancing in her golden eyes.

I waited, but she didn't speak again, contenting herself with watching Esme finalize the move back to Forks. That was it? No rebuke?

I had no doubt that Emmett and Jasper had some retribution for me planned, and that it would quite possibly last for years. Carlisle and Esme had already forgiven me, and I could care less what Rosalie thought. But Alice? She wasn't one to just let something go without fully expressing her views on the subject.

"You're not mad at me?" I asked. Considering the tongue lashings I'd received for leaving Bella, I expected Alice to be berating me both mentally and vocally for trying to do away with myself.

"For leaving? Of course, but I'm over it." _Don't ever think about doing it again, though. I'll drag you back by your hair next time. _She imagined the scene, my arms crossed and feet dragging as she towed me through the forest, running me into every tree and over every fallen log she could find. Her musical laugh added to the absurdity of the scene.

I chuckled. "I'll remember that."

Not that I could ever leave Bella. Even if she sent me away, I'd find a way to watch over her. But where was the lecture about the stupidity of taking my own life? "You aren't upset about my...excursion?"

She reached for a magazine. "No," she said, a little too casually. "I've always known you'd do that."

I listened to her thoughts, expecting her to show me the first time she'd seen me decide that I couldn't live without Bella, but all I saw were her memories of me watching Bella across the Forks High cafeteria last year ago.

"I don't understand. How did you know?"

She sighed. _Edward, I've known since you first saved her life that you and Bella were meant to be together. And I know what it's like to find your mate. It's so much more than just love...it's a wholeness...an overwhelming satisfaction of completion. It is_ the _reason for being. Losing Bella, after experiencing that burst of life, was devastating. _Her black hair flashed in the dim light as it tried to keep up with the swift motion of her head whipping back and forth. "You're not the only one whose life depends on another."

A cloud of violet smoke filled her mind, but it wasn't my funeral pyre. Jasper's future followed a similar path, should Alice fail to escape Italy alive. She flipped the pages but ignored the pictures, willing herself to see his true future – one that had him racing through the Canadian wilderness in my Volvo.

Her courage was extraordinary. "I'm sorry," I repeated.

_Just know that I understand. Whether it's due to our diet or our morals, it's clear that our family mates for life._ Her thoughts drifted. _Victoria clearly doesn't feel the same._ The red-head's future was a jumble of trees, cars, and the occasional bloody victim. Vicious. Unplanned. Feral.

Victoria. The thought of her being capable of loving _anything_ was lost on me. But I wondered if Alice's hypothesis could be true. A different set of red eyes filled my mental vision. What had Marcus had been like before he'd lost _his_ mate? Could he have been on a path that led to gold rather than crimson?

Alice shifted gears abruptly and gave me a painless slap. The sound echoed through the cabin, causing several people to stir before settling back into sleep. "But you're right, I should be mad at you. You should have called ME after talking to Rosalie."

I gritted my teeth. Blessed with a self-sacrificing sister, I was equally cursed with an irritating self-serving one. If Rosalie had just kept her perfect little mouth shut, none of this would have happened.

"_Let me tell you a little story about a pot and a kettle..."_

Fine. I, too, was selfish, but calling me twenty-seven times just to rub my nose in the fact Bella had killed herself...

The armrest cracked in my hand. No, Rosalie was one person to whom I owed nothing – no apology, no gratitude, no forgiveness. If it weren't for Emmett, I'd...

"Edward?" Alice asked, gently pulling on my arm.

Forcing myself to breathe the stale air, I let her extricate my hand from the twisted plastic. "Yes, I should have called you," I admitted. "But I couldn't think any more." Rosalie's "news" had been the last straw. She'd given me the worst possible reason to call Bella, and though I'd told myself I would've hung up and hid myself again had Bella answered, I knew that hanging up would have been the last thing I would've done. At the sound of her voice I would have started back to Washington at the speed of light, without disconnecting the call, if possible.

Alice slid her fingers into mine, preventing me from damaging any more of the airplane. "I get it. You can't survive without her." She nudged my shoulder. "If only you'd listened to me in the first place!"

"I'll pay more attention from now on, promise." I ruffled her dark hair and managed a small grin. "Thank you for saving us, Sis."

She gripped my arm hard enough to bend titanium. "Any time."

The sound of running water in the restroom drew Alice to her feet. "Welcome home," she said, planting a kiss on my cheek before dancing back to her seat.

The sweet fragrance of soap preceded Bella's reappearance at my side. Before she could cross in front of me to her seat, I caught her hand and invited her to sit with me. The pause was a tenth of a second longer this time.

Her eyes filled with a longing I couldn't place. Without a word, she released my fingers and settled herself against me. I snatched the blanket I'd tossed aside and draped it over her, but she freed her hands and rested them on top.

Alice busied herself analyzing the historical accuracy of the apparel of the in-flight movie. _I miss men's hats,_ she lamented. _The wide ties and monstrous lapels I could do without. _I tuned her out, relegating her musings to the background hum of the humans' minds around us.

Bella snuggled into the crook of my arm and resumed her silent stare at my face. As on the flight from Florence, she was clearly occupied with something. She'd gnaw her lip or crease her brow, then suddenly erase the expression, as if she'd been caught in a bluff.

I wanted more than anything to ask her what she was thinking, but cowardice was a formidable foe.

For all her hesitance and elusive...wariness? she was still my Bella. I lifted my hand to her face, and she pressed it to her cheek, sandwiching my fingers in her human warmth. She sighed and her eyes fluttered closed peacefully, but she quickly recovered and snapped them back open.

"Would you like to watch a movie?" I asked, wondering if she was already bored with me.

"No." Her lip disappeared between her teeth for a split second, and she dropped her hand back into her lap. "But if you want to..." she mumbled.

And take my eyes away from her face? "Don't be silly." I traced the grimace that formed on her lips with the tip of my finger, and was rewarded with a tiny gasp. Soft as velvet...

I leaned forward an inch, and her grimace immediately tightened under my touch. Even without speaking I clearly heard the "please, don't" that screamed from Bella's eyes. Gone was the eager, hungry look she'd worn so many times in my presence. Fear resided there now, and I quickly kissed her forehead instead.

_Patience_, I told myself. She had every right, every reason to withhold her thoughts and her kiss from me after what I'd done. The fact she was here in my arms was more than a miracle, and I let my head lay back against the seat, content to enjoy anything and everything she'd give me.

Her expression softened, and she freed her hand from mine. Trembling, she cautiously raised it to my cheek. Softer than a summer's breeze but with the pure energy of an arc welder, her skin pulsed with life. Her eyes widened as she circled my chin, then followed the tiny indentation below my lip. Now it was my turn to inhale sharply.

As pink tinted her cheek, one corner of her mouth momentarily curved up. Like so many of her expressions, it too faded into an unnatural blankness. The question I was dying to ask stuck in my throat – what right did I have to interrogate her? She should be grilling me, and I should be on my knees, begging her forgiveness.

Apologizing to Alice hadn't been that difficult, and I tried to form the sentences to begin to my confession to Bella. It wasn't the dearth of words that kept me silent, but the sheer enormity of what I had to repent that kept me from speaking.

_For failing to stop Victoria. For giving you cause to jump off a cliff. For leading you to immortality's black heart in Italy. For literally throwing you to the wolves. For the lie, the biggest lie. For purposely breaking your heart. For loving you too much...and yet not enough._

So many things I had to pay penance for. How could I start to apologize? _Where_ could I start?

The list of my transgressions continued to grow as I drank in Bella's beauty. The vision Alice showed Aro had illustrated the greatest of my sins – that I was actually capable of taking not only Bella's humanity, but her soul. Though she'd said many times how ending her life was what _she_ wanted, the naked truth was that _I_ wanted it even more.

I could resist no longer and touched her face again, copying her movements. My finger followed her jaw and lingered on her chin. Unconsciously I found myself tracing the subtle dimple centered below her lips. Down, around the right side of her chin, down again, around the left.

The symbol for infinity.

In that instant I saw Alice's vision again: Bella lifting her chin, her small, victorious smile as I leaned down to her throat. The rush of her blood, flowing just beneath her delicate skin. A kiss, then a bite...one last taste. Then the screams started.

Seeing that I could actually bring myself to such an abominable act shamed me in unspeakable ways. Imagining her eyes fluttering open to reveal red, not brown, both disgusted and thrilled me. I couldn't deny that Bella would make a formidable vampire – with the fortitude she constantly displayed as human amplified, I would pity the creature, mortal or undead, criminal or Volturi, who dared to cross her. Her unyielding mind must translate to some equally strong talent – I couldn't begin to fathom how that would manifest. She would be even more beautiful, more independent, more courageous.

Running a finger through the hair surrounding her human face, I wanted to slap myself. How arrogant I was! Bella _already_ was more than I ever could be. To think that by making her more like me was improving what was already perfect was ridiculously conceited. And damning her to my monotonous existence would only prove how monstrous I truly was.

How could I deprive her of the reward that she, above all others, deserved? Peace, sleep, rest...not to mention paradise. No. Fate could not twist my logic or desires to rip Bella from the destiny she'd more than earned.

I smoothed her eyebrow, vowing that her irises would remain the color of melted chocolate, regardless of my fantasies. She would have as long and as full a life as I could give her...if she'd have me.

Five bathroom breaks and one horrid airline meal later, the pilot announced our arrival in Atlanta. Bella grimaced; her reactions were becoming more exaggerated – and more contradictory. For every groan or prolonged hesitation, there was an equally exuberant gasp or stare of wonder. It was as if we'd returned to the past and I was watching her from across a black lab table all over again, refusing to speak, trying to decipher her reactions. I was having less luck understanding her divergent moods now then I did then.

If only I could turn the clock back to that ridiculous time. How little I knew of what damage I was doing – or where we'd end up. So many little changes could have drastically altered our path; most would have saved Bella the pain and trauma she'd endured during our abbreviated relationship.

We landed in Atlanta with ninety-three minutes until our next flight. Bella requested another "human moment." Her pulse accelerated as she strode toward the restroom, and I nearly choked on my terror. It was in another bathroom in another airport where she'd run from me before. _Don't go – not now! Please... _

Alice followed right behind her, trying to ease my concern as she went. _I'll make sure she's safe, Edward. _I reached out to them when Bella turned her back, and Alice shook her head._ This isn't Phoenix. We'll be right back. _

Regardless, I paced outside the women's room, fighting the urge to peek using my sister's mind. Only Bella's heartbeat gave me any sense of calm. That sound was the center of my world – without it I had no purpose, no reason for being.

Finally Bella emerged, and ignoring the now expected vacillation, I encircled her in my arms before leading her to our next flight.

The airport was deserted; ours was one of the few flights arriving at the inhuman hour of 4 A.M. Thankfully all the retail establishments were closed, so Bella couldn't down even more caffeine. Alice stepped away to call Jasper again – she knew he'd arrived in Forks, but wanted to assure him that we were now close enough to drive home, if need be.

Our gate was also vacant. With a wave, I offered Bella her choice of seats, but she declined.

"Can we just walk around for a little while?" she asked quietly. There was no one to hear us, but she didn't have the energy to raise her voice to normal levels. The battle with rest would be over soon.

"Of course." We turned back to the concourse. I let Bella set the pace, matching the length of her tired strides, while keeping a careful arm around her. Ensconced snuggly at my side, she stared ahead intently. Her head only turned when we passed a clock, and she shivered.

Reluctantly I loosened my grip. "Would you like my jacket?"

Like she had in the Italian sewers, she only pulled herself more tightly to me and quickened her pace. "No, thanks. I'm not cold."

We continued to the end of the terminal then circled back, passing a couple of business suit-clad passengers who studiously ignored us. This time past, Bella specifically avoided looking at the clock, and some of her hesitations finally fit a pattern.

Time.

Any mention of time disturbed her. That one realization only bred a new bevy of questions, the most obvious being, "Why?" Bella wasn't inclined to explain, though, and I wasn't about to pester her, now that she was so close to sleep. There'd be more than enough time for explanations after she'd recovered from this jaunt...or would there?

I nuzzled Bella's hair as we walked, ending with a kiss on her pale forehead. The toe of her shoe caught on an invisible obstruction when I did, and her cheeks had taken on the color of cherry blossoms by the time I straightened up. But she didn't turn to me, didn't invite me to kiss her again. She didn't offer her lips, and kept her smile to herself.

Another explanation for her embargo occurred to me, and ran cold through my veins. What if my plan in leaving had _worked_? Did her lips belong to another?

We reached the other end of the terminal and started back to our gate as I reevaluated every second I'd spent with Bella. Love took many forms – the Greeks had at least five terms for it – and I'd assumed that she'd maintained the same romantic _eros_ for me that I carried for her. I'd also expected that for her to accept that I could no longer be a part of her life, that any positive feelings toward me would turn to hate. But I'd underestimated Bella in the past; had I done it again? She was capable of so much love...had her _eros_ converted to the loyal, friendship of _philia_, or to the altruistic, affectionate_ agape _in my regard?

To whom did she give her heart, her _eros_ now?

My own words returned with a vengeance. _"I'll always love you...in a way." _Would Bella repeat that same line back to me?

Returning to the gate once more, Bella didn't resist when I guided her toward Alice. She sat next to me, and with a resigned sigh, let her head rest against my shoulder.

Could I handle being "just friends" with Bella, or had Fate found the perfect punishment for having disrupted her plans?

"_You can have her back, but you'll have to watch her love another,"_ the hooded harpy cackled.

Rather than indulge my imaginary tormentor, I chose to live in denial. Bella was here, with me, clinging to _my_ arm, pressing her cheek to _my_ shoulder. Whether there was another or not didn't matter.

The final leg of our journey home started with a slow parade down the Jetway. Bella still fought her eyelids, but the rest of her body had surrendered. She collapsed into her seat, but still managed to flag down an attendant. More Coke. Stubborn, stubborn, Bella.

The sky lightened, the dawn chasing us west. Bella resumed her place in my arms, and I continued to trace the contours of her face and neck. As a friend, I wouldn't be afforded this privilege again, and took full advantage while I had the chance. I kissed her often, noting how she _didn't_ flinch or hesitate when my lips touched her.

I took the opportunity to kiss her wrist, sealing my promise to never allow the perfection that flowed beneath her paper-thin skin to be tainted by venom ever again. The gentle throb of her vein against my cold, unyielding lips sent me reeling. Bella was _really_ here, alive. How could I have ever left her?

I nearly begged then for her forgiveness – letting hope fuel the fire of Bella's touch. There'd be time for talk later.

I let my finger follow contour under her eye as I considered what I'd have to do to keep my promise to protect her. So fragile, and so coveted by many, Bella was in even more danger than ever before. Keeping her safe from Victoria would be straightforward, now that we'd be resettling in Forks. The wolves, too, would have to retreat to their precious reservation once we returned. The Volturi, however, were another matter.

Bella may be untraceable by the Volturi, but I wasn't. And neither was Alice.

Alice...

Hiding Bella from Demetri would depend on Alice – only she could keep us far enough ahead to elude him. Keeping Alice out of Aro's hands would be crucial...should she and Bella stay together? An eerie déjà vu washed through me as Bella cupped my cheek in her hand.

Interrupting the fire of her palm was the icy arc reminding me how successful my last attempt at hiding her had been. Her scar grazed my chin as she pulled her hand away. Whether Alice joined us or not, I wouldn't leave her to run from the Volturi alone. That was one mistake that would not be repeated.

Demetri would be the key. Neutralizing him would have to be a priority, should the Volturi act. Jasper would have some interesting ideas...if he was still speaking to me.

Bella's fingers wandered into my hair, and for a brief, tantalizing second, I thought she might pull my head down to hers. Instead of grabbing a fistful of my messy locks, she finger-combed them. _My_ eyes closed, the sensation too pleasurable to allow any thought to intrude.

The rest of the flight elapsed much the way our previous one had. Bella's pauses were more dramatic, accompanied by creased eyes and pinched lips, but then her touches became more and more personal, more erotic. Her final caress was a feather's outline of my lips – and I imagined the kiss she didn't give me.

I lowered the shade over the window when the first rays of morning broke over the cloudy Washington sky. When the pilot requested that the flight attendants prepare for landing, Bella sighed, gracing with half the smile I loved. Not quite a happy expression; more like satisfaction or accomplishment. We'd made it home, alive.

The first off the plane, I looped my arm under Bella's so I could support most of her weight as we led the parade to the terminal exit. I didn't hurry – even without Alice's clairvoyance I knew Charlie would throw me out as soon as I let go of Bella. He couldn't keep me away, but the thought of even a few yards separating us made me shake like a recovering addict. So I made the most of my last minutes with her.

Alice had abandoned the future in favor of the present. She dragged both me and Bella along, anxious to see Jasper. When she spied him hovering near the exit, she sped to his side, and I slowed. They didn't kiss, they didn't even touch, but intense adoration poured out of them as Jazz absorbed Alice's affection and then sent it back to her, a hundredfold. Couples all around us suddenly embraced or kissed, succumbing to the effects of my siblings' spiraling love for each other.

Bella tucked her face against my chest and I grinned, glad for my brother's lack of control for once.

Farther down the walkway, Esme didn't need Jasper's help, reaching first for Bella. "Thank you so much," she said. _Thank you for saving my son. _She turned her ferocious hug on me, her lip quivering.

_I don't know what we would do if we lost you, Edward._ "You will _never_ put me through that again," she said, sounding more like a bear than a woman.

Knowing that even a Kodiak grizzly didn't stand a chance against her, I smiled, giving her a playful, "Sorry, Mom." But I whispered in her ear, "Really."

She gave me one last, hard squeeze, too happy for words.

_We've missed you so much, Son,_ Carlisle thought, assessing my thirsty eyes and exaggerated smile. _You're staying._ He didn't ask, he commanded. He also caught Bella in a hug – resting his arm over mine in a subtle gesture recognizing my connection to her. "Thank you, Bella. We owe you." _So much. Few could have done what you did, _he thought. Truly he considered her part of our family, whether mortal or not.

Bella eyes drooped. "Hardly." Self-effacing to the end, she sagged in my arms.

Esme propped her up between us, throwing a disparaging glance my direction. "She's dead on her feet. Let's get her home."

Without even a second thought about Bella's appetizing fragrance, Esme led us to the shaded walkway toward the parking garage. _She's so thin, and raccoon-eyed_, my mother thought, glancing at me. I nodded, but didn't return the look. Bella hung between us like a rag doll, her head lolling from one side to the other as the war with sleep came to an end.

Carlisle followed behind, cataloging as I had the symptoms of malnutrition that Bella exhibited. _Neither of you looks well,_ he thought sadly.

He'd already called Charlie, telling him we were on our way, and had been severely reprimanded by Bella's father. It was the repercussions Bella would suffer that worried Carlisle, but I knew Charlie would hold her nearly blameless. Regardless of how tightly he locked her away, I'd always be there, in the shadows and the moonlight, keeping her safe.

New thoughts intruded.

_She only wanted you to come home. She didn't mean for anything like this to happen. You know Rose would never want you to go to the Volturi, Edward._ Emmett's thoughts were a low rumble harmonizing a higher, more musical plea.

_Alice said she was gone. No one said anything else until it was too late. We..._I_ wanted you back. That's all._ Rosalie caught my eye from the other end of the garage. _I'm so sorry, really._

Her lips curved down in a pout that Emmett thought was adorable, but I found as transparent as my sister's concern.

I ignored her, wishing she'd afforded me the same courtesy three days ago.

It wasn't until we'd reached the car that Bella realized Em and Rose were even there. She startled in my arms...not the reaction I was expecting. I prepared to whisk her away, refusing to let Rosalie cause Bella any further discomfort ever again. Behind me, Carlisle prepared to intervene.

Esme read the protectiveness in my stance and touched my shoulder. _It was all a misunderstanding._ I clenched my fist behind Bella's back.

She didn't give up easily. "Don't. She feels awful."

"She should." Misunderstanding or no, Rosalie had gone to great lengths to deliver the final blow – no matter what her intentions were.

"It'sss nod her fauld," Bella slurred. Only she would let such stupidity off the hook so easily.

_It wasn't _anyone's_ fault,_ Carlisle added.

Esme gently stroked my arm. "Let her make amends. We'll ride with Alice and Jasper." _It's over now. Time for everyone to come home for good._

I didn't move any closer to the car, unimpressed by Rosalie's continued mental apologies.

_We _all_ need to make amends, Edward,_ Emmett reminded me, his eyes darting to the wisp of a girl in my arms. _She looks terrible._ He earned a lip-curling sneer from me.

"Pleeease, Edward," Bella whispered.

I sighed in defeat. I couldn't deny her when she pleaded with me. Rosalie held the door open so I could lift Bella into the back seat. She thought about giving Bella a reassuring pat, but when she heard the growl growing in my throat, she reconsidered.

_Just a little possessive, aren't we?_ Emmett thought. He promptly stretched his arm across the back of Rosalie's seat, a warning barrier between me and his mate. I snorted at his hypocrisy.

Rosalie turned sideways so she could see both Bella and me. She had her apology all planned out. "Edward," she started.

"I know." Had I been gone so long that she forgot I could already hear the words she intended to say?

She watched me for half a second, considered her apology made, and moved on. "Bella?"

I bared my teeth at my sister for waking Bella.

"Yes, Rosalie?" she answered carefully. She struggled to keep her eyes open.

"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this." As usual, the apology was about assuaging Rosalie's ache, not recognizing Bella's sacrifice. "I'm so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."

I rolled my eyes. _Make me feel better for nearly getting you and Edward and Alice killed, please Bella? I_ mimicked to myself.

Souring my mood even more, Bella gave Rosalie a sleepy half smile – more than I'd received during the entire trip home. Bella would always be so much more than I could ever be.

"Of courz, Rozalie. It'ssss not ur fault. I'm the one who jump ... damn cliff. Ov curse I frgiv yaoo," Bella mumbled.

Emmett covered his mouth with his hand to stifle his laugh at her garbled speech. I hissed at him, but he just waved me off. _I know_ _she's tired, but she sounds drunk._ "It doesn't count until she conscious, Rose," he chuckled and accelerated toward the exit. _Let's get her to bed._

"Immm conshhhhssss." Bella's head fell against my chest and I couldn't help but smile.

"Let her sleep," I said, my anger briefly waning. Satisfied she'd made some headway, my sister tossed her hair over her shoulder and turned to face the front as Emmett pulled out of the parking garage.

We hadn't made it off airport property before Bella finally succumbed to slumber. She slouched against me, her breathing and pulse strong and steady.

_She's not going to snore, is she?_ Emmett thought. _Maybe I should let Carlisle drive._ He didn't need to wink in the rearview mirror to tell me he was kidding.

Rosalie looked back, trying to see Bella as family. _Sister_. She tried on the word for size, but couldn't make her mouth shape the sound. Her thoughts skipped like a stone across a pond and landed on me. "Edward, can _you_ forgive me?" _I know I didn't think things through well enough, but I didn't mean for you or Bella...or Alice to put yourself in danger. I'm so sorry._

Had Bella surpassed Alice in Rosalie's estimation? That was notable in itself. I kissed Bella's lolling head.

_Edward, what can I do to make it up to you? I've already tuned your car...how about your piano?_

I could tell that she wasn't going to stop pestering me until I said something, and I'd recently seen how persistent she could be. I really didn't want her touching my piano, either. But did she deserve such quick forgiveness?

Bella's head tilted forward; even unconscious she couldn't carry a grudge, and encouraged me to give up mine.

"How long did you wait before calling me that first time, Rosalie?" I whispered. I may forgive her, but that didn't mean I'd make it easy on her.

She squirmed, giving Emmett a sideways glance. "Until the guys went hunting." Emmett took her hand in his, demonstrating his unquestioning, non-judgmental support. "About twenty hours, I guess," she said.

"And yet you're asking me to grant you forgiveness for a mistake that nearly killed not only me and Bella, but Alice, and most likely Jasper, in less than twenty minutes?" Emmett shot me a glare, but couldn't argue. "Should I be flattered by your assumption of my compassion or offended by your underestimation of my ire?"

Rosalie squelched her anger with some effort, but one thought slipped out. _You had plenty of time on the flight home._

I growled. Shallow? Rosalie's character was paper-thin.

"Don't hold my thoughts against me. You know I can't help that," she snarled, revealing the Rosalie I knew so well. She took a deep breath. "You're right. It's not fair of me to ask so much of you so soon." _But though I had some selfish motives, I wasn't totally thinking of myself._ She squeezed Emmett's knee while remembering his somber mood. _Esme was worse._

Emmett chimed in with his own memories of consoling both Esme and Rosalie as they waited for word from Italy. _ We all were worried._

"This is an apology?" I said, interrupting the sounds of our sobbing mother that permeated Rosalie's brain. Would my attempt be any better?

Her thoughts shifted. She saw herself standing in Tanya's great room, staring out the windows, weak-kneed. "When I realized how you must've felt losing Bella, I truly regretted what I'd done." _I couldn't live without Emmett, either,_ she thought, her lip trembling.

She did understand part of what I felt, but I wouldn't tolerate her jealousy any longer. "What about her?"

_It's all about the human with you...Sorry._ "If she makes you happy, I'll find a way to accept her." She fought back the comparison between Bella's looks and her own. Why I favored Bella over her would be a mystery that she'd never fathom. _What about that monstrosity she drives._ "Can we at least do something about her truck?"

I stroked Bella's hair. "That's up to her."

Rosalie apologized one more time before forcing her thoughts other places. We discussed the re-emergence of the wolves, sharing a quiet chuckle over how to get some lycanthropic blood for Carlisle to study. I didn't have to see into his mind to know he'd be aching to do a study of this generation's physiology.

Emmett gave me a run-down of the current hunting conditions around Forks. He'd already found a bear in the few hours he'd been back and was eager to find another. It wasn't the hunt for blood that interested me.

After I verified that Bella was still sound asleep, I asked, "Have you picked up Victoria's scent?" Coming after Bella had insured Victoria's extinction. She wouldn't escape me again.

Both Emmett and Rosalie sobered. "No. But it was pouring when we rolled in yesterday. I only caught a whiff of the stench those flea-bitten wolves give off over by Bella's." Disappointment colored Emmett's report – he'd hoped to come across a werewolf.

"Bella is friends with _them_," I snapped.

"Is, or _was_?" Emmett asked, craning his head to look pointedly at me.

Baring my teeth, I grinned. "What do you think?"

"Awesome." _Bella's house is no-man's-land...if I catch even one them there, he's _so_ going down. _"One blood sample, coming up."

Bella would surely argue, but she didn't understand how dangerous the wolves were. Thankfully my presence alone should be enough to deter any canine visits.

The rest of the drive went by quietly, without a need for speech. Emmett snorted occasionally, wondering if the wolves of this generation were as big as those we'd encountered years ago. Rosalie's eyes wandered from mirror to mirror, checking on Bella, me, and of course, herself. The rest of the world was but a refrigerator's hum in the background. At least until we pulled into Forks.

Emmett's phone rang, drawing my attention from Bella. I checked the car behind as he answered.

"Pull over here, Em." I heard Alice's voice echo in the phone and the ears of the rest of my family. _We shouldn't all show up at Charlie's – he'll come out with guns blazing if we do._ She'd seen what the sight of seven vampires and one unconscious daughter would do to Chief Swan, and it wasn't positive.

"Okay." Emmett didn't bother to question her.

_This isn't going to be pretty,_ Alice thought as the Volvo rolled to a stop behind us.

"Do you want my help?" Jasper asked her.

"No, thanks." _He's going to hate me, no matter what_. She valued Charlie's respect more than anyone.

Careful to not wake Bella, car doors opened and closed, and Carlisle and Alice took over positions in the front seat after a quick explanation. Emmett stuck his head in before Carlisle closed his door. "Don't go wolf hunting without me, bro."

"Emmett," Carlisle warned, but he was gone.

Carlisle pulled up to the curb and I gathered Bella in my arms. For one last peaceful second I held her, kissing both her cheeks. This was where she belonged, but I couldn't let go, not yet.

Carlisle opened my door. "Time to take her in, Edward."

Bella's languid lips tempted me, but I resisted, brushing my lips one last time across her forehead. "I love you," I breathed in her ear.

Charlie's voice carried from inside the house. "They're finally here, I have to go." He saw Bella curled in my grasp and swore. Anger and fear swirled together in his mind. His indistinct thoughts repeated, and his horror intensified.

He threw the door open with a bang. "Bella!" he yelled.

She twitched at the sound, her eyes remaining firmly closed as she mouthed, "Charlie." Her head flopped around in a weak attempt to wake up.

"Shh, it's okay. You're home and safe. Just sleep," I murmured. She didn't need to witness her father's wrath.

Charlie stomped toward us, his ruddy cheeks framing flaring nostrils. When Bella didn't greet him, more of the anger melted into fear. His thoughts were but a whisper to me, but as he approached I picked out, _Please God, not again._

Hate roared to life when his eyes met mine. "I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here." The veins in his neck threatened to burst, and Carlisle tensed.

Bella propped her head against my shoulder, only able to open her eyes halfway. "Stop it, Dad," she whispered.

"What's wrong with her?" Charlie nearly screamed, his voice rising an octave. His protectiveness for Bella warred with a raging violence aimed at me.

Carlisle took a step forward to intercept Charlie but I shook my head. This was my fault, and I deserved every heated word.

My gaze didn't waver. "She's just very tired, Charlie." He clearly didn't believe me. "Please let her rest."

"Don't tell me what to do!" he yelled in panic. "Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"

Carlisle was again tempted to intervene, to assure him that Bella would be fine, but Alice held him back. Her thoughts were ominously quiet.

As he shoved his arms under mine, Bella woke with a start, refusing to release her hold on me. "Cut it out, Dad," she said more clearly, forcing herself to look at her father. "Be mad at _me_!"

He tugged on her one more time, then let go with a huff. Some of his worry eased, seeing Bella's eyes open all the way. "You bet I will be," he said, but I could hear desperation behind his threat. "Get inside," he commanded.

Bella loosened her hold around my neck. "Kay, let me down."

I eyed Alice over my shoulder. _Be ready to catch her,_ she warned.

I stood Bella up, letting her assume her weight slowly. She swayed back and forth as if she were on the deck of a ship, trying to find her sense of balance. She dragged one foot forward before she collapsed.

I had her back in my arms before the hiss leaked out of Charlie's lips.

Pleading, I said, "Just let me get her upstairs." There was no way he could make it to her room carrying her. "Then I'll leave."

"And you'll never come back," he swore under his breath.

"No," Bella cried, fisting my shirt. Her eyes opened briefly, pure terror glistening in her pooling tears.

I marched into the house, whispering, "I won't be far." Charlie could make my life difficult – but only Bella could send me away.

"She just needs sleep, Charlie, it was a long drive," Carlisle said softly.

Charlie ignored Carlisle, distrust souring his thoughts. I couldn't blame him, but regretted his disappointment in my father. How many more lives had been damaged by my misguided attempt to protect Bella?

The truth of where all his pain emanated from hit me like a bullet to the brain when I opened Bella's door.

Her room was completely devoid of the life I treasured. Gone was the organized chaos of CD's, papers, and clothes that defined Bella's personal space. The desk was empty but for the ancient PC and a single pencil. One of her dresser drawers hung open, a red shirt left hanging out of it, and her binder and math book were strewn across the floor in evidence of her hasty departure. Once these anomalies were corrected, it would be impossible to tell who lived here. Or if anyone did.

It was the absence of her books that hit me the hardest. Reading was more than a pastime for Bella, it was a passion. Her tattered copies of Austen and Bronte were nowhere to be found.

I hadn't erased my existence – I'd erased hers.

Bella's knuckles were white, clinging to my shirt like a life vest, even though she was nearly asleep. As I carefully set her on the bed and extricated myself, her breathing caught. "I won't be far," I repeated quietly, and her face relaxed. Once free, I stood up, and a hot hand pulled me away.

"Get away from her," Charlie snarled, his cloudy thoughts a jumble of relief, love, anger, and hatred. It was abundantly clear which emotions were meant for me.

Before he could touch her, Bella curled into a ball, her arms tight against her chest. Charlie stroked her hair and kissed her cheek before removing her shoes. He covered her with the sheet and tattered quilt, kissing her again before turning to me. His hand shot out as if he were throwing a punch, but instead of a fist, his finger shot toward the door. "Out!" he seethed.

I nodded, and he followed me down the stairs. At the front door I paused, turning to look into Charlie's blazing eyes. "I'm sorry. I never meant…"

Charlie's face turned from red to purple as he struggled to find words strong enough to convey his rage. "You never meant _what?_ Never meant to hurt her? You think that because you brought her back in one piece _this_ _time_ you're some kind of hero? Just because she's not bleeding on the outside doesn't mean that she's not ripped to shreds on the inside." His hands, white balls of fury, trembled at his sides, but he didn't need his fists to hurt me. Like a dam breaking, his hatred poured out, drowning me. "Do you have any idea what you're little disappearing stunt did to _her_? You couldn't have hurt her more if you physically beat her. You sucked her life away…and you have the nerve to _apologize_?"

My gaze fell to the floor. He had no idea how close I'd come to doing exactly that – sucking her life away – on so many occasions. And though I'd saved her life, I'd murdered her spirit. I was exactly the despicable creature he envisioned me to be.

"You've brought nothing but pain and suffering to a loving and selfless girl." His voice turned ice cold. "And I won't allow you to hurt her any more. If I you ever walking through that door again, so help me _I'll kill you_." His hand twitched. His gun hung on his hip – he obviously had come from work

"Yes, sir." I couldn't argue; he was perfectly correct in his assessment.

"Now get the hell out of my house. You can tell Alice that she's not welcome here, either."

The door closed in my face and I heard the locks slam home.

Carlisle and Alice had already returned to the car, but had heard everything. Alice sobbed quietly, even though she knew Charlie would forgive her. I slid into the back seat, ignoring Carlisle's assurances that the worst was over.

Inside, Charlie's anger didn't cool as he filled a glass with water to put by Bella's bedside. He seemed to be contemplating ways of keeping Bella and me separated. A surprisingly clear image of a moat flashed through his otherwise muddled mind.

So much pain I'd caused, and for what? _Nothing_. Bella had been no better off without me, and would suffer the consequences of my attempted suicide for a long time to come. Not to mention the various forms of supernatural danger lurking outside her house. I couldn't have more thoroughly ruined her life if I'd made it my goal.

"Alice?" Carlisle asked carefully. "Will Charlie calm down?" He'd heard the blood rushing through his veins at pressures well above what a healthy human should endure, let alone one in Charlie's less than optimum condition.

She swallowed, then looked ahead. "He'll be all right. He'll even let Edward back in the house in a few days." _I should have called him._ Though she saw him smiling at her some time in the future, she regretted not having thought of him sooner.

I didn't have the heart to remind her that if her other vision was correct, Charlie was going to lose Bella for a lot longer than just a few days.

Carlisle gave her shoulder a squeeze then started the car.

"Wait," I said. Questions rang through Carlisle's mind but I ignored him, concentrating on the sounds inside the house. The stairs creaked under Charlie's weight before a _swish_ announced he was opening the door to Bella's room. She breathed slowly and evenly in her deep sleep and didn't move when he spoke.

"I love you, sweetheart," he whispered. He was remembering something, but the image was a blur. I could just make out Bella, sitting across from him in the kitchen. She didn't move, didn't speak, and didn't touch the food in front of her. The sight disturbed me as much as Charlie. "It'll be okay, _you'll _be okay," he said weakly. "I won't let him hurt you again." The rocking chair complained as he sat down.

"Okay, you can go. Drop me off around the corner," I instructed. I'd never leave her unprotected again.

Carlisle hesitated, wanting to ask me to come home, but dismissed the thought and pulled away. _It's good to have you back, Edward,_ he thought instead.

"Yes. I'm glad to be back."

Alice caught a flash of something – Bella and I running through the forest and then the always infuriating immortal version of my love. "Hmmm," she said, finally having shaken off her depression. "I think we'll see you later." Neither she nor I could discern how the two images were connected, and I gave her hair a tussle before stepping out of the car.

Their thoughts faded quickly as we raced away from each other under the darkening sky. As tempted as I was to observe from the tree outside Bella's window, I chose one deeper in the woods. I doubted the clouds would break, but better to not chance it. Between the leaves I could only see Charlie's pained face as he rocked, his gazed fixed on Bella.

Focusing all my attention on his quiet mind, I was able to glimpse her sleeping form through his eyes. She sucked in a deep breath, and Charlie rose to his feet. When she slowly stretched her legs out and rolled onto her stomach, he sank back into the chair.

_I'm no good at being a father,_ he thought. With a guilty twang, he admitted that even with her scatter-brained, free-spirited ways, Renée was the better parent. Bella had never run from her, whereas she'd run from him – twice. This time he hadn't had any idea where she'd gone.

He pulled a wadded piece of paper out of his pocket. Staring at the words, only three came into focus. _Edward's in trouble._ He itched his eyes, hiding his tears from his sleeping daughter. "Why, Bella?" he muttered.

He rose with sudden purpose and stomped into his room. The distrust had returned, joined by defiance. After a flurry of dialing, I heard a woman's voice on his phone.

"Dr. Gerandy's office."

"Hi, Karen, this is Charlie Swan. Is Dr. Gerandy available?" A grim satisfaction swept through him, even though he didn't really believe Bella was anything but tired.

"Charlie. How can I help you today?" The old doctor's voice was cautious.

"Fred, if you have some free time, could you stop by? Bella just got home and collapsed in her bed. I want to make sure..."

"I'm sure she's fine. Dr. Cullen called a few minutes ago and explained that she hadn't slept all night."

A flurry of curt, furious words flew through his brain..._meddling_..._conniving_..._backstabbing manipulator_.

"Dr. Cullen didn't see how she was in September, and I'd like a second opinion. Are you sure you couldn't just look in on her for a minute?"

Thankfully Carlisle was long gone and didn't hear the scorn in Charlie's voice.

"Calm down, Charlie." More wood groaned as Charlie paced in his bedroom. "Okay. I'm leaving for lunch in twenty minutes. I can swing by and look in on her on my way."

"Thanks, Fred. I owe you." Charlie said his goodbye and returned to his seat in Bella's room.

His cradled his face in his hands, burying himself in undeserved guilt. The fault was mine, and though he'd no doubt agree, he still felt responsible for not doing more to help Bella get over what I'd done to her. Rosalie had been right, so long ago. I'd foolishly considered myself an island, but had proven the opposite to be true in spades. And all the pain seemed to come back to Bella – the one person I'd tried hardest to protect.

The phone rang, and he crushed the note in his hand. _That's probably Billy, the traitor._ Charlie was as mad at the Blacks as he was at us; and when he remembered the obviously lying face of Jacob Black, I understood why. Charlie must have figured out the mutt was involved and questioned him. Black had just as many secrets as we did, and Charlie hadn't believed him any more than he believed me.

For all the anger and guilt I'd caused Bella's father, I had to smile. Four-legged monsters were just as unwelcome in his house as I was.

Charlie rocked harder and faster, resisting the urge to wake Bella and make her tell him where she'd been. It took Dr. Gerandy's knock on the front door to draw him from his seat.

The men greeted each other, but another sound distracted me. I wasn't alone.

* * *

_End Notes:_

_Also, I had a great time at TwiCon last weekend! You can check out my not-so-close-encounters with the stars at www (dot) starlifetalk (dot) com_

_Peter and Jackson...just *sigh*_


	19. Awake

_Author's note:_

_Sorry for the wait, but as you can see, you get another double-sized chapter this go round. Only two chapters left – and I hope they won't be this big. This time it's Jasper's fault, though. Don't be mad at him – he has a little different sense of justice and forgiveness than say, Carlisle, given his background._

_Speaking of Jasper – I want to send a huge thanks and hug to Lash and her hubby over on TwilightMoms. Mr. Lash, security supervisor extraordinaire, recommended this little fic to none other than Jackson Rathbone. That's going beyond the call for any husband – and I dearly thank you! Lash, you are now officially a SuperFan for pimping Dark Side to so many and coaching your hubby so well! And I'm supremely jealous of you, meeting Jackson! MWAH!_

_**Jackson, if you're reading this, you are one impressive musician and showman. I loved your concert and can't wait to see you don Confederate gray. I hope my Jasper is true to the books, and that you enjoy his "emotive manipulation" in this chapter.**_

_As always, thanks to jakeward, Roo and NoMoreThanUsual for their insights, corrections, and wonderfully funny comments when they edit my beastly chapters! Love you, ladies!_

_A couple of unrelated announcements: If you're a fan of my first fic, "first light," then you'll want to check out iFic on the twilighted forums or on iTunes. Read by the talented saram05, you can now _listen_ to the story! The first podcast is scheduled to go up Friday, Sept. 11, but there's a teaser on the last posting of "Turning Dust into Gold" which should already be available. _

_Also, I'm on twitter now, blondieakarobin, if you'd like to follow me._

_Mood music. There's so many songs for this section of NM that it is really hard to pick just a few. Here's three, in order as the chapter progresses: The Man Who Can't Be Moved, The Script; Her Diamonds, Rob Thomas; Far Away, Nickelback

* * *

_

_When last we left: Dr. Gerandy had arrived at the Swan house. "The men greeted each other, but another sound distracted me. I wasn't alone."_

**Awake**

What attracted my attention wasn't the thump of footsteps or the rustling of branches. My own angry voice reached out from the woods and slapped me.

"_You nearly killed her. Do you have any idea how _that_ makes me feel?" _

The remembered words were empty; Jasper wasn't close enough to impress the corresponding anger, though it burned within him. Absolution wasn't on his mind – retribution was. He knew I was near, and repeated the phrase in his head, hoping to get a reaction.

His taunts were but a whisper compared to the conversation taking place in the little house I watched through the trees.

"Is there anything specific you want me to look for?" Dr. Gerandy asked as Charlie led him into Bella's room. He was hoping his visit would be short; he had a list of errands to run during his lunch hour.

"I just want to know if she's okay," Charlie spat. _If he hurt her, he'll be lucky to see the inside of a jail cell._

I rubbed my temples. Surrounded by hateful thoughts, I retreated to the only mind in the vicinity that wasn't intent on punishing me.

Through the doctor's eyes, I saw the reason for my existence sleeping peacefully in her too tidy room. "Do you have reason to suspect otherwise?" he asked, checking her pulse. He didn't bother to count the beats, recognizing the healthy rhythm.

"She collapsed on the front stoop. She had to be carried up here," Charlie sneered, his pride still sore from watching how easily I'd brought Bella upstairs.

"Hmmm." _Her color is better than I've seen it; lips, fingers, capillary refill all normal._ Dr. Gerandy looked at Charlie, wondering if he shouldn't be evaluating his host instead. Charlie's cheeks were bright red, and beads of sweat dotted his forehead. _If he sees she's just asleep, hopefully he'll calm down. _ The doctor didn't relish the thought of performing CPR on his friend on the floor of his daughter's room.

"She's really asleep, Charlie. This should prove it." He lifted Bella's eyelid and shined his penlight across her unmoving pupil.

"The sun," she mumbled, flailing her hand toward the doctor, erasing the last of his concerns. "Edward, look at me." She curled into a ball, hugging her chest tightly once the offending light was extinguished.

The bones in Charlie's hand creaked as he strangled the doorknob. _He ruined her, that bastard!_

Breaking through the trees below me, Jasper turned toward Bella's voice. The multiple heartbeats that accompanied her cry confused him, and he halted below me. _Edward, come out and face me,_ he thought, assuming I was with her.

I cleared my throat and then let myself fall from my perch. Surprising Jasper was never wise; his instinctual reactions were harder to avoid than his planned attacks. Without a sound, I landed in front of him.

Dr. Gerandy completed his examination. "There are no signs of any new trauma, Charlie. Her previous injuries have healed well." He shifted her hair, revealing a scar I hadn't noticed paralleling her hairline, directly above her eye.

Both Charlie and I clenched our teeth.

Ever the strategist, Jasper read my temperament carefully, listening to what transpired in the house yards away. Guilt soon buried any other emotion I might've had, drawing his lips up in a vengeful smirk.

The doctor continued calmly, "She's just tired. If she were unconscious, she wouldn't have roused."

Charlie nodded, recalling similar instructions for a different injury Bella had sustained in my absence. She'd promised me she'd stay safe...but who was I to hold her to such a vow?

Shame caught in my throat – too much shame. I glared at Jasper, his gold eyes as cold as the metal they mimicked, and the remorse grew. He let Alice scream at me from the past this time.

"_I don't think you even know how to be happy. You find the perfect mate, and then throw her love away like it's a piece of garbage."_

"What about drugs, or...violence?" Charlie asked, his voice cracking.

_Violence? _He had no idea what Bella had been forced to endure.

"Her pulse and breathing are even and normal." Dr. Gerandy carefully unfolded one of Bella's arms and inspected her forearm, her wrist, her knuckles. He ignored the white scar extending from her elbow to her hand – the macabre birthday present I'd given her – and lifted her fingers so he could see her nails through his bifocals. "There's no defensive wounds, bruising, needle marks, or torn fingernails." _Gil Grissom, eat your heart out,_ he thought, then gently set her arm down and turned to Charlie. "She's just asleep. And as such, I can't do any further examination without her consent."

"But if she was..." Charlie pressed uncomfortably.

"She's eighteen, Charlie. She has to come forward on her own." The doctor rolled up the blood pressure cuff and put it in his bag. "You don't really think that Dr. Cullen himself would bring her home if something like _that_ had happened? To you, the Chief of Police?"

Charlie followed the doctor downstairs with a mumbled "I guess not." _But I wouldn't put it past his son,_ he added viciously.

"He really hates you," Jasper said jovially, catching a whiff of the intense abhorrence spilling into the woods as Charlie escorted the doctor to his car.

"Of course he does. I wish he didn't feel that way about Carlisle, though." I fingered my hair, suddenly morose.

"Or Alice."

"Or Alice," I agreed. "But you know Charlie will forgive her in a heartbeat, so save your emotive manipulation." The blanket of guilt lightened, a little.

Jasper took a step back and folded his arms over his chest. _No, you don't need my help, do you? You don't need anyone's help._ "Except the Volturi's." His face darkened, and another memory of my fury surfaced.

"_It's not the same, and you know it. I didn't try to kill Alice. She is safe from your brothers. You can't understand." _Again, he accused me with my own words, my own voice, screaming at him after Bella's nearly fatal birthday party.

"I _didn't_ try to kill Alice – I tried to protect her. I tried to protect all of you," I said in my defense. I should have added "she shouldn't have followed me," but even I couldn't sell such a lie. Not while I could hear the steady beat of Bella's heart. Alice's intervention had given me a second chance that few ever received. Only because of my sister were we both alive today.

He snorted, my gratitude inconsequential in his eyes. "You did a damn poor job of it."

His anger swelled again, hitting me like a sledgehammer to the ribcage. Rather than physically attacking me, he took a much simpler, more direct approach, detailing every way I'd injured those I held closest. Esme's sorrow, Carlisle's self-doubt, Emmett's loneliness, and even Rosalie's frustration swarmed around me like bees, buzzing and stinging me. Jasper's guilt amplified them all, along with his rage. Only Alice was missing, but I knew what was coming next.

Gritting my teeth, I strained to hear just one squeeze of Bella's heart, letting Jasper have his vengeance. Enduring his wrath in silence, I moved away from him...and closer to the house. The pain diminished as I drew nearer to Bella, but he upped the ante.

"All this, and yet it was only the beginning. Alice had been so sure you'd be back that she didn't mourn. Not until she saw Bella jump." He rubbed the back of his neck. "A part of _her_ died that day, too."

This was why Jasper had come, why he'd tracked me down. He planned to relive the most painful moments of the last four days for my benefit. He wanted to see me suffer, the way he had. An eye for an eye – justice as Jasper saw it.

Justice…the concept was ridiculous in light of what I'd already experienced – what I'd forced Bella to survive. His ability to affect false guilt or remorse was nothing compared to what I carried within me. I spun back to face him, his emotions ricocheting off my own fury. "Nothing you think or say can rival what I'd already been through," I said through my teeth.

"What about what _I've_ been through, brother?" My explosive temper reminded him of a newborn's uncontrolled behavior – of the behavior he'd exhibited when he'd attacked Bella. Our roles truly were reversed. He raised his guard, watching me carefully as he exacted his punishment.

The scene in his mind changed to a room paneled in rich red cedar – the interior of Tanya's Alaskan home. "You didn't see your mate suffer," Jasper said ominously, "didn't hold her as parts of her shriveled up and crumbled away. You have no idea."

His mind filled with the benign image of flickering shadows dancing across a huge map. Jasper and Emmett loomed over the huge poster littered with three- and five-pointed game pieces, neither in deep concentration. A stack of _Risk_ cards towered over everything – taken from at least five different games.

_Emmett absentmindedly drew a card, glanced at the map, then picked up a handful dice. "Belarus attacks Latvia with eight armies," he said, lacking his usual gusto. His lethargy surprised me; _Risk_ usually resulted in several wrestling matches when he got tired of rolling dice to determine victors._

_Emotionally vacant, Jasper's response was equally subdued as he held up four fingers and prepared to roll. In the background he heard, but didn't really listen to, Alice discussing the upcoming Paris preview with Rosalie and Kate. He and Emmett threw their dice, and Jasper collected Emmett's losing pieces._

_A high-pitched gasp interrupted his next attack. The force of Alice's shock blinded Jasper for only a second before being replaced by an electrocuting jolt of terror._

"_Alice, what's wrong?" Kate cried. Alice took a blind step, falling forward. Before Kate could reach out, Jasper shot across the room and caught his wife._

"_Bella…" she sobbed, wavering between the now and the then. "No, don't!" she screamed, before throwing herself completely into what would be._

_Jasper held his wife, waiting for the vision to pass, quietly trying to comfort her. Her sorrow and pain radiated through him in waves, each one stronger than the last. His own fear took over and he shook her, gently at first._

"_Alice, let it go."_

_She covered her mouth in horror, visiting the present long enough to beg, "Where are you? Don't give up, _please_…"_

_Jasper jarred her more forcefully. "Snap out of it, Alice," he shouted. Carlisle and Esme appeared on either side of him, their hands on his shoulders. Their touch wasn't a comfort; it only made their concern a tangible weight, pressing him down even further._

_Fighting to keep the caustic feelings inside, Jasper held his entranced wife close. "It'll be okay, Alice, please come back to me," he whispered. For nearly five unbearable minutes he hugged and_ _rocked her._ She's never been trapped in a vision this long, _he thought fearfully._

_Finally Alice returned to the present, deflating against his chest and filling him with an anguish nearly equal to what I'd felt after Rosalie's dreaded phone call. "Oh, Jasper," she cried, "Bella's gone!" _

_Unable to contain her overwhelming sadness, Jasper let it escape and spread like a poisonous gas throughout the room. Kate gasped and Emmett rubbed his chest before opening his arms to a trembling Rosalie._

"_Gone?" Esme whispered, pulling away. "You mean she's..." Her hand flew to her mouth, preventing the word from escaping. Carlisle guided her to the couch, his face slack with disbelief._

_Jasper continued to cradle Alice, unable to find any kind of peace to send to her. No one bothered to ask what she saw, knowing that the answer wouldn't be anything good._

"_She… she…jumped," Alice whispered. "Off a cliff."_

_Esme's shock fell like a boulder onto the emotional load threatening to snap Jasper's sanity. "A cliff? _No_…why?"_

_Alice shook her head, her untamed hair brushing against Jasper's chin. Her voice was a mournful wail. "I don't know! Why didn't I see this sooner?"_

"_It's not your fault," he croaked._

_Carlisle's grief suddenly lifted and he straightened up. "It hasn't happened yet. We can…"_

"_No, we _can't_, Carlisle," Alice shrieked. "We won't make it. She's nearly to the cliff already!"_

_A tiny candle of hope emanated from our mother. "But if we found her, like I was found…"_

"_She's jumping into the ocean. She won't come back up," Alice choked. Pure grief poured into Jasper again._

He replicated every emotion the memory evoked, but his pain was but a thread compared to the tapestry of agony I'd woven for myself. "Again, I felt all this already, and more," I snarled. "Don't you think I feel responsible? If I had any idea Bella could have even conceived of such a stunt, I would've found a way to prevent it?"

"You _were_ warned – but you ignored her."

"_Do you know what this is going to do to _her_, Edward?"_ Alice screamed from the past.

My finger found the center of his chest. "You supported my leaving. I thought you understood _that_."

Jasper leaned toward me, his jaw tight. _Maybe with regard to Bella, yes. _ "But what you did to our family was beyond selfish – leaving us, too. You stupidly refused our help, and reaped the consequences." He turned his back to me. "Our family is stronger than that, Edward. Abandoning us was your biggest mistake."

He returned me to the same moment, with Alice sobbing in his arms. Having recovered from the shock first, Rosalie spoke.

"_Who's going to make the call?"_

"_What?" Esme asked, lifting her head from Carlisle's shoulder. "Call who? _Edward_?" One by one everyone turned to glare at Rosalie._

"_He has a right to know." Rosalie crossed her arms and stared at Carlisle. Emmett came to stand behind her, but frowned, clearly not in favor of the idea._

_Carlisle didn't move, making his own guess at what my reaction to the news would be. As he thought, Alice stiffened in Jasper's grasp._

_Her voice was barely audible. "No, we can't. If he finds out she's dead…" She sucked in an unnecessary breath and sent a cold shower of dread over Jasper. "He can't find out, not yet."_

_Rosalie stuck her lip out, petulant. "But if she's gone, he'll have no reason to keep hiding. He'll have to…"_

"_No, Rose. Not over the phone." Carlisle hesitated, glancing at Esme. "He'll…overreact." _

_Esme gasped, hearing what had been left unsaid. "We have to find him…keep him from…" Her eyes grew wide. "If she jumped because we left…oh, no!"_

"_I know," Carlisle whispered to her. "Together we'll help him through this when it's time." He turned to Rosalie. "In any case, there's no reason to make a snap decision. Not now." His guilt added to the emotional baggage Jasper was struggling to carry._

_Carlisle must have seen Jasper's grimace and stood, holding his hand out to his mate. Without a word, she let him lead her outside and into the trees._

"_I'm going to miss that little klutz," Emmett said, shaking his head. "This just sucks." _

In front of me, Jasper whirled, angry again. "And then, when it seemed things couldn't get worse, you expose us to _The Volturi? _You incriminated all of us. If it hadn't been for Alice…" He shook his head, stunned by what my sister had told him of Aro's bargain.

He looked away, not seeing the determination flare my nostrils. Alice's promise had opened the door to our escape, but I had no intention of letting her follow through with the vow. Bella would remain human.

His eyes were hard as titanium when they returned to mine. _Don't even think of crossing the Volturi, Edward. They don't give second chances. _ I opened my mouth to argue, but his anger found a new source, and jabbed me again. "Not to mention that you forced Alice to choose between you and me. I may never forgive you for that."

A series of images passed through Jasper's mind as he chose the one that made his point.

"_I have to go. Please, Jazz. I need to say goodbye."_ Alice gave him a kiss, then headed off at a run. He felt her loss the moment the door closed behind her.

A scream of _"Emmett, help!"_ echoed through the Alaskan forest, the trees becoming a blur as he ran toward the house. Ahead of him, Emmett plowed through branches and rocks alike, desperate to reach Rosalie.

Finally, a cell phone rang in the dark. He'd been waiting for the call, wearing a track into Tanya's antique Persian rug. This was the memory he'd been searching for.

_The phone clattered against his ear. "Alice, where are you?"_

"_I'm on a plane, with Bella. We're going to try and stop Edward."_

"_Going where? Stop him from what?" Jasper had speculated on whom I'd tap to help end my life, but Alice's answer caught him completely unprepared._

"_Volterra," she whispered._

"_The Volturi!" Any pity Jasper had for me vanished. _If the Volturi see him as a lawbreaker, they'll hunt us all down! _After leaving a fist-shaped dent in one of the huge oak timbers holding up the ceiling, he shelved his anger and began to formulate ways to separate our family – namely Alice – from me. "How is he going to do it?" he demanded._

"_I can't be sure, I keep seeing him do different things, he keeps changing his mind."_

"_What exactly do you see, Alice? I have to know what you're walking into." Stories of the Volturi slaughtering entire families, entire _villages_, flooded Jasper's mind._

"_A killing spree through the city, attacking the guard, lifting a car over his head in the main square…mostly things that would expose them—he knows that's the fastest way to force a reaction."_

Good God – they'll annihilate him in an instant…_ "Don't go after him – they'll think you're part of his plan and execute you, too." He stopped, his mind stuck on the word "execute." With a dry swallow, he continued. "Emmett thinks that together we'd have a better chance of catching Edward before he gets us all into trouble."_

"_Tell Emmett no…"_

"_I can't, he and Rosalie are halfway to Fairbanks to charter a plane. I'm waiting for Carlisle to get back." _And it's killing me_, he thought. Jasper physically suffered being so far from Alice, helpless to shield her from the danger she was intent on facing._

"_Well, go after Emmett and Rosalie and bring them back."_

"_How else can we stop him? You can't do it alone." _Don't follow him!_ He wanted to scream._

"_Think about it, Jasper. If he sees any of us, what do you think he will do?"_

_The phone creaked in his hand as he imagined all sorts of horrors I could commit to get the guard's attention. A sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone reminded him that Alice wasn't alone. _Edward can't sense her._ "You're sending Bella in get to him." _

"_Exactly. I think Bella is the only chance—if there is a chance."_

_The plan was a decent one, but he knew Alice wouldn't let Bella go in unprotected. He also didn't miss Alice's dark tone. "But you don't think he can be saved?"_

"_I'll do everything that can be done, but prepare Carlisle; the odds aren't good." _

Then let him go,_ he wanted argue, but knew that she couldn't stand by and do nothing. Only by molding what she saw, affecting the future when possible, did Alice manage the gift she hadn't asked for. She'd seen many deaths, but prevented many more by intervening. But to put her life at risk when the chances of failure were so high – even for Edward? He tried one more time to rein her in, his worry making his empty stomach churn. _

"_If things are that bleak, is it really worth putting yourself in this danger?"_

_Alice laughed – _laughed_ – at the likelihood she was about to die. _

_Jasper could barely contain himself, he was so overwrought. "Don't pretend it's nothing, Alice, they won't hesitate to kill you, too."_

"_I've thought of that." Her flippant tone nearly caused his head to split in two. _

"_Have you? I can't live without you, any more than Edward can live without Bella – I'm just smart enough to understand that." He also knew he wasn't going to convince her to turn away from this course, and fell back on the only shred of hope he had left. "You can try to stop him, Alice, but if he's lost, you have to promise me that you'll run, that you won't sacrifice yourself for him…or for Bella. _Promise me_."_

"_Yes, I promise," she said solemnly. But he knew she'd say anything to keep him from following her. Jasper's conviction to his mate matched my own._

"_If I don't hear from you within twenty-four hours, I'm coming after you. We'll be together, even if it's as ash." _

_Alice pleaded with him. "Don't follow me. I promise, Jasper. One way or another, I'll get out."_

_He buried his face in his hands, hearing the desperation in her voice. He didn't miss the edge her promise tipped on – the fulcrum of truth. She was protecting _him_ now, lying to keep him from chasing after her. "I don't know if I can take this, Alice. I love you so much."_

"_And I love you."_

He assumed the same position in front of me, his worry pouring over me like ice water, covering me in his suffering.

"_You nearly killed her. Do you have any idea how _that_ makes me feel?" _he repeated, and I recognized the longing, the ache he threw at me. I'd lived with it for months, letting it gnaw on me until there was nothing left.

"I'm sorry – it sounds pathetic, but I had no intention of endangering any of you, especially Alice. But you have to understand, a bleaker, darker reality had consumed me." My breathing accelerated as I pushed his thoughts away. He had no idea what I'd felt at the end, the opening of that infinite hole of darkness when my world ended. "You had hope of seeing Alice again. That's not the same as _knowing_ she's dead."

"_He's at the funeral."_

I locked my gaze on my brother, letting the blackness of his pupils and the silence of his heart draw me back to that moment – the instant that everything stopped. Unbidden, the maw cracked my chest open again, trying to pull me in. I was nothing without Bella...nothing. She was gone, and so was I.

_Nothing_. There was nothing without her.

Jasper shook me, feeling the emptiness oozing out of me. "Stop it, Edward."

His eyes dilated with horror as he stared at me, but the emptiness wouldn't let me go. Bella _would_ die, some day, leaving me forever. In the end, the nothingness would take me, no matter what. Control eluded me as my vision blurred, shutting out the fading light of day.

"Stop, please!" Jasper tried to push me away, but couldn't. Dimly I realized I'd latched onto his arms, as if he could somehow prevent the inevitable. Just as I teetered on the edge of oblivion, Bella pulled me back.

"Edward," she whispered, still sound asleep. "We're not dead."

I blinked, and the world came back into focus. Jasper's face was the color of bleached bone, a lifeless skull with wide, topaz eyes. I quickly released him.

"I'm...I...I can't live without her," I mumbled, out of apologies. But now he really did understand, and I realized that my time away had been even more of a waste. There were a finite number of days that I would have with Bella, and I'd squandered 187 of them. Jealously that had nothing to do with the empath next to me welled to insane levels as I heard Charlie march back up the stairs to Bella's room, grumbling about how he'd make sure I'd never see Bella again.

He couldn't keep her from me…I had to get back to her, _now_. I turned, ready to steal her away, father be damned, but a hand grabbed my arm.

"Let go of me," I growled, jerking myself free. My arms instantly became lead weights and my feet lumps of concrete. I could barely keep my eyes open as I looked back at my brother. "You aaaa…" The curse was lost in a lethargic yawn.

Recovering from the emotional beating I'd given him, Jasper had dumped a marathon-load of fatigue on me, preventing me from a stupidly rash act.

"Settle down, Edward," he said. Again he compared my wildly extreme reactions to a newborn, and I coughed – I couldn't manage a retort. I wasn't that bad – I hadn't actually lunged at anyone's throat, yet.

His confusion suddenly cleared. _It's the thirst!_ "You really need to hunt – I've never seen you so volatile."

He was right, of course. I knew what ignoring my thirst would lead to – but I could control the mood swings. I had to...I was already farther from Bella than I could easily tolerate.

It took all my effort to make my head bob in agreement. Slowly he lifted the somnolent haze, and I rolled my shoulders to try and find some center of relative calm.

His invectives exhausted, Jasper decided against sharing more memories with me. "I know why you did it, Edward. You thought you were alone. Unfortunately, you couldn't have been more wrong." He stood next to me, looking toward the tiny house.

I ducked my head, wishing there was some way to make amends. Jasper understood, probably better than anyone else in my family, the connection I had with Bella. "I won't ask for your forgiveness; I know I don't deserve it," I said.

His response was no louder than the rustle of the boughs in the playful spring breeze, yet more deadly than a blowtorch over severed limb. "Just know that I won't let you put Alice in that position ever again. Should you decide in the future that death is your only option, rest assured that you'll meet your end."

I nodded, wondering if he was resolute enough to finish me himself, should the need arise. He'd killed hundreds, perhaps thousands of vampires; he'd make it quick and relatively painless, I was sure. But I wouldn't have to burden him with my execution – not with such willing volunteers sniffing around on the coast. At least the four-legged monsters could be good for one thing.

More mumblings from Bella and her occasional sigh dissipated my thoughts of demise and emptiness. Bella was alive, and only yards away. I straightened up, waiting for my chance to close the distance and take her in my arms again.

We stood shoulder to shoulder, unspeaking in the quiet of evening, the damp air muffling a far away flock of birds. I was immersed in the hazy view of Bella's slumbering form that Charlie's eyes afforded me, while Jasper relived the moment he saw Alice crossing the concourse toward him. Each of our worlds was defined by the woman we loved, and neither of us would have it any other way.

The shadows had crossed the yard and merged with the house by the time Jasper's eyes turned to meet mine, their deep amber framed with a resigned smile. Having expunged his anger, the man I considered my friend and brother reemerged. "I am glad you didn't go up in smoke, Edward. And not just because Alice came home safe." He held his hand out to me.

I shook it firmly, finally able to match his grin. "Beating Emmett got boring?"

"Definitely." He glanced at the rusted red truck just beyond the trees. "But you won't be around much, will you?"

We both listened to the twin heartbeats coming from behind the yellowing curtains. "No, not for a while. I won't be far away, though."

"I'll leave you to your Sleeping Beauty," he said. After half-hearted chuck on the shoulder, he disappeared in the ferns, the remnants of our conversation creating an insatiable longing in him to return to Alice. Again I was envious. Nothing but distance was standing between him and his mate. Her father wasn't hovering over her, watching her sleep.

Fate must have tired of toying with me, for at that moment Charlie rose. Hunger had won out over his under-used fatherly instincts and he headed down stairs with dinner on his mind. In seconds I was hanging from the eaves outside her open window.

Bella's floral fragrance followed the thermal out of the opening, grabbing me and drawing me into the room. I held my breath, preparing for the thirst to rear its murderous head after being separated from her for so long. In Volterra I was too consumed with guaranteeing Bella's escape to let her blood influence me, but now, considering I hadn't fed in…how long? I expected the coals in my throat to roar to life; for her blood to sing to me once again. Some Prince I was, waiting for the urge to kill to overshadow the urge to kiss.

Slowly I inhaled. The flames did rise, but I found nothing to swallow. My mouth was dry, empty of the venom that her scent, her _taste,_ always elicited. Yes, I was thirsty, but it wasn't her vein that caught my attention as I climbed through the window. Her peaceful mouth curled into a gentle smile. Words like _beautiful_, _lovely_ and _angelic_ were inadequate. She was all those things and more.

I took another breath, the fire hardly even noticeable in her presence. Charlie's woodsy aroma lingered, clinging to chair across the room, a pleasant compliment to the lavender and freesia that I loved. But it was the sight of her that entranced me. It was no wonder Charlie had refused to leave; the picture of the perfectly named woman reclined across her bed was more breathtaking than any masterpiece.

She lay on her side, her back only inches from the wall. Her arm followed the top of the blanket, extending toward me, her fingers relaxed and inviting.

"_I saved you a spot,"_ her body seemed to say. I half expected her to lift the coverlet and throw her arm around me, just like...before.

I didn't want to wake her, but couldn't stand the few feet of space between us. Falling to one knee next to her bed, I watched as her eyes tensed ever so slightly and the smile faded. A shadow of the worried V lingered above her nose, evidence that her mind still worked on some problem, some concern. Would my presence alleviate her dreamed distress, or aggravate it?

Hoping to see her smile again, I carefully lifted her hand and eased myself next to her, staying on top of the blankets. Her fingers tightened around mine, but the crease between her eyebrows deepened. Without thinking, I brushed my lips over the indentation, hoping to calm what was troubling her. Not the rude, searing kiss I'd forced on her the last time we'd shared her bed, rather a quick promise to do whatever I could to repair the damage I'd caused.

She sighed, and I was pleased to see that the lines had vanished when I set my head on her pillow. Inching her way toward me, she brought my hand to her chest, clutching it like a treasured doll.

"Edward," she breathed.

Not surprised, not scared, not excited, she said my name with relief. Like she _had_ been waiting for me, even in her sleep.

I followed suit, whispering her name, savoring the way it rolled off my tongue. I'd never tire of saying her name, nor the sensual jolt I received as it left my lips.

Lips…hers were so close. Jasper was right – I was selfish. I wanted more than anything to wake her with my mouth against hers, to be greeted with the smile that was only mine. But I recognized the fairytale and beat it back. It was much more likely she'd slap me than kiss me when her eyes opened.

She didn't move or speak again, content to hug my arm and accept my cool kisses on her face and hair. The TV clicked on downstairs. With a guilty glance toward the ceiling, Charlie decided to check on the game while he ate his makeshift dinner of cereal with milk and a Slim Jim.

The clouds thinned, letting a last ray of sunset through her window. In the quiet shadows of twilight, I pretended that the last six months hadn't happened. If it were last September, Charlie would retire to his room when the game ended, stopping to wish Bella good night before drifting off to his fantasies of streams and bait. Bella would sleep peacefully in my arms, murmuring clues about what she dreamed, waking only when my kiss preempted her alarm clock. Tomorrow would be just another day of school, where I'd study the only thing that mattered: her. Everything would be back to normal – everything would be right.

I guess vampires _could_ dream, after all.

Unfortunately, my extra abilities did not include time travel, so I let the fantasy fade. They did enable me to hear Charlie's mental lament when he realized he'd spent so long in front of the TV. Bella moaned as I slid away, incenting Charlie to move even faster up the stairs. I kissed her hair and whispered her name one last time, hoping to reassure her back into dreamless repose.

I looked at the window, but couldn't bring myself to step through it. My body ached being just six feet away; it wouldn't let me go much farther. Like the monster I was, I hid in her closet.

* * *

The next hours brought a new torture. I'd disturbed Bella's restful sleep, and her unconscious monologue began. Hearing her unedited thoughts was as fascinating as ever; the stone wall her father represented equally frustrating.

"Faster Alice," she murmured. "Plasso day Prirry."

Charlie scratched the stubble on his chin, wondering what his daughter was thinking. For once, I could make an educated guess. Her mind was processing the past days' events. What horrors would she detail for her father?

"Get out of the way...Edward," she whispered, then rolled over. "Wet and dark."

Wedged between blouses and a black plastic bag, I tried to fit what she said in with what we'd experienced. Most of her comments were easy to place, including too many cries of "Edward, no!" but a wayward "he's pretending" and an unmistakable "Ali Baba" had both Charlie and I shaking our heads.

When the talking quieted, Charlie stretched. His back cracked and he heaved himself to his feet, deciding that his bed wasn't that far from her room. Standing over Bella, his straightened her blanket, then cupped her cheek. "Goodnight, sweetheart," he said, a ritual that hadn't changed. He paused before leaving her bedside, praying she'd be there in the morning.

He debated closing the door, but decided that the thin piece of wood wouldn't make any difference. As it clicked shut, she rubbed the spot he'd touched. "Sorry, Jake," she whispered.

Jake...Jacob..._Black_? The Quileute dog? The way she said his name grated across my skin like a rake across slate. That stinking mongrel..._who'd saved Bella's life_. Just one more testament to the fact I'd made the biggest mistake of my existence when I'd left her.

Charlie's door closed and his light winked out. By the time his head had reached his pillow, I'd resumed my place at Bella's side.

I lay next to her, not touching her for a long second. The hesitancy was on my part this time, as the insecurities returned. Jealousy and justice battled at the thought of her heart belonging to another. It was what I'd wanted, once. But the mutt? No, that couldn't be. Impossible.

Somehow sensing me, Bella wiggled close and rested her face on my shoulder. I couldn't help but wrap my arms around her, automatically ignoring the burn in my throat.

"We're home," she said clearly.

The emotional pendulum swung back so hard it crashed through my doubt. No matter whom she loved, she didn't turn me away, and was finally speaking to me. I ran a finger through her hair, both sorry and glad to hear her voice. "Shhh, just rest, Bella."

"Tell me a story."

"What do you want to hear?" I mentally cataloged all her favorites, settling on one of the novels from her worn Austen compilation. She'd want a story with a happy ending, I was sure.

"Romeo and Juliet."

Or not. I repositioned her so our heads were even and I could see her face. Surprisingly, her eyes were still closed. She wasn't asking _me_, she was talking to an unknown entity in her mind. Her head tilted up, tempting me. Only a few inches separated my lips from hers.

Suddenly the dream channel changed, and Bella's face twisted into a painful grimace, her nose and forehead lined with wrinkles. "Jane... that sadistic bitch."

I bit my upper lip, choking on a chuckle. Bella's curse, combined with her pointed accuracy, was hilarious. The fact that she'd seen Jane in action – had nearly fallen victim to her torture – tempered my humor.

"You don't have to worry about her anymore," I promised, stroking Bella's milky cheek. She'd been so strong in the face of such evil, thwarting it with beautiful effortlessness. What other talents could my Bella's silent mind refuse? Aro and Jane, yes. Marcus and Jasper, no. Chelsea...unknown. There must be a pattern, a key to who had access to her and who didn't.

I started to catalog the Volturi's talents against Bella's protected thoughts, but was quickly distracted by the sound of her heart. Focusing on anything but her was a waste of time. Tomorrow, when I knew we'd be separated, at least temporarily...that's when I'd contemplate her unique ability.

It was well after midnight when the mumbling began again. An unintelligible question...and then she inhaled deeply, sending heart rate higher. Her toes pointed, grazing my legs through multiple layers of fabric and we both shivered.

Remembering her previous false start at consciousness, I kissed her forehead again and waited.

Her eyes became thin lines of brown lashes as she pressed them closed. Had I driven her into another nightmare?

She let her breath out in a sorrowful sigh and, with obvious effort, lifted her eyelids. It took her three tenths of a second for her to recognize my face before thrusting her hands between us. With a terrified "OH!" she made fists over her eyes, blocking her view of me with as much flesh as she could muster.

I sucked the sweetened air in through my teeth, kicking myself for yet another stupid mistake. I'd misinterpreted her sleepy urgency as a request for me to stay – it must've been the first strains of the dreams she'd had. She'd thought she still required my protection.

I expected her fists to come down against my chest, pushing me away, but they didn't. Slowly they lowered, and Bella's eyes opened, guarded this time, wary, like they'd been on the plane. Did I want to hear what caused her cautiousness? Could I live without hearing her voice?

Afraid of either answer, I asked, "Did I frighten you?"

Bella's lip curled up and she snorted. I brushed her hair back behind her, waiting for an answer, but either she didn't hear me or she ignored me.

The intense scrutiny in her stare wandered all over my face. Each detail she noted created a fresh, strange expression. My hair garnered a smirk, my eyes a frown. She blinked more than necessary, as if my face was out of focus. If I didn't know better, I would've thought she was deciding whether I was a forgery, an imitation of some Edward she'd been expecting to see.

Two more fast blinks, then her pulse spiked. "Oh, _crap_!"

"What's wrong, Bella?" I asked, hoping my voice didn't crack as hers had. No answer to that question could be good.

"I'm dead, right? I _did_ drown." Her eyes darted toward her door. "Crap, crap, crap! This is going to kill Charlie."

She stunned me with a response I never could have predicted. Some things never changed.

"You're not dead."

"Then why am I not waking up?"

"You _are_ awake, Bella." I should have let go of her, released her from the nightmare that had followed her into wakefulness, but my arms wouldn't obey, remaining wrapped around her.

Her hair fell back across her face as she argued. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful." Of all the things I'd planned to beg of her, convincing her I wasn't a figment of her imagination hadn't even made the list. Once I'd considered her mental health in jeopardy – had I finally pushed her over the edge of sanity?

She didn't stop. "Poor Charlie. And Renée and Jake." Her mouth hung open in horror.

Ignoring her mention of the mutt, I considered how to prove she was awake. "I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." The way she'd screamed my name in her sleep made that abundantly clear. "But I can't image what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

The corners of her rose-colored lips turned down. "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."

Her idealized version of me only solidified the fact she _wasn't_ awake. I sighed, wondering whether or not to use the glass of water by her bedside to shock her into understanding. Pinching her was out of the question, and I wouldn't even entertain what Alice might suggest.

Bella looked away, toward the window. When her eyes returned to me, they were wide with disbelief. Her lips parted in surprise as the blush rose in her cheeks, tinting the glowing alabaster with a toasty scarlet. "Did all of it really happen, then?"

"That depends." I wanted to say "no" – let her remain blissful ignorant of the awful trials I'd put her through. Lying to her was no longer an option, though. A humorless smile creased my lips...here I was worried about her nightmares, and I was about to reassign the worst of them as reality. "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

She didn't even blink. "How strange. I really went to Italy." She half-smiled with a faraway look in her eyes. "Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"

Of all the things to strike her from my statement! "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

She pushed her hair back and rubbed her eyes. "I'm not tired anymore. What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

Not long enough. "It's just after one in the morning, so about fourteen hours."

Her head bobbed, accepting that bit of truth. Stretching like a cat, she elongated her body, from her fingers touching the headboard above her, down to her toes that pushed against the tops of my feet. "Charlie?" she grunted.

"Sleeping." Admitting to her that Charlie was ready to shoot me, should he find me in her room, was harder than I thought. "You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window." I double checked the room across the hall and heard only snoring. "But still, the intent was clear."

"Charlie banned you from the house?"

"Did you expect anything else?" Truthfully Carlisle should have thrown me out, too, for what I'd done to my family. I'd received much better treatment from both fathers than I deserved.

Another flurry of feelings paraded across Bella's face. Anger was the chief culprit, but others flashed by too fast for me to discern. Where had her thoughts gone now?

"What's the story?" she asked unexpectedly.

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for..." She looked up, her forehead creasing in concentration. "How long was I gone, anyway?"

"Just three days." I waited for her to flinch, but she didn't. Without batting an eye, she brushed off a three day absence halfway around the world. Grinning, I couldn't wait to hear how she'd explain it to Charlie. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

"Fabulous."

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." Now that Bella was awake, maybe the future would clear_._

She seemed comforted, almost happy as she fingered the top button on my shirt. "So," she started, pausing as her mind visibly shifted gears, "what have you been doing, up until three days ago?" She feigned a casual interest, but there was an urgency to the question she couldn't hide.

"Nothing terribly exciting," I hedged.

"Of course not." Her nose crinkled, like she smelled something disgusting. What had she expected me to say?

"Why are you making that face?"

Her lips puckered. "Well, if you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

Hardly. But trying to convince her otherwise was becoming tedious. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?" I huffed.

"Nightmare!" She rolled her eyes. When I didn't reply, her expression softened. "Maybe, if you tell me."

Of all the things we could..._should_...talk about, she chose the topic that was the most uncomfortable. Did she really want to hear how broken and useless I was without her?

Again, I told one version of the truth. "I was," _trying my hand at assassination. _ "Hunting."

She frowned again. "Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

I'd forgotten that I could hide nothing from her. Very well, I'd detail my murderous intentions. "I wasn't hunting for food. I was actually trying my hand at..." I hesitated, knowing what memories the next word held. "...tracking." Surprisingly, Bella didn't react. "I wasn't very good at it." I was closer to Victoria _now_ than I'd been in months.

"What were you tracking?" She used the same tone as when she'd asked if she could see me hunt.

"Nothing of consequence." Bella didn't need to know I'd not only embraced my murderous side, but had failed miserably at what should have been a simple task.

"I don't understand."

Innocent curiosity stared at me through her warm brown eyes, shaming me. Continuing this line of conversation was a cowardly form of avoidance. She'd been more than patient with me; I needed to tell her the truth. "I..." _Just say it! _ I took a deep breath, knowing my next words to her might be my last. "I owe you an apology." I should be on my knees. "No, of course I owe you much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea..."

The excuses flowed freely from my lips. I found myself babbling about Victoria and James, Alice and werewolves, as if any of that had any bearing on the first, the greatest miscalculation on my part.

"...I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for..."

"Stop."

I stared at Bella, realizing I hadn't actually verbalized my promised apology. Her tiny sigh and bleak expression drilled into my granite heart.

She didn't speak immediately, rightly giving me ample time anticipate her final words. Would she tell me I was right, that day in the woods? That I didn't belong in her world? Or could she honestly say she didn't want me? That would be brutally fair.

Her face hardened into a mask I knew too well. It was the same face I hid behind the day I left. She may not be able to lie well, but she'd become adept at secreting her emotions.

_I'd taught her that._

"Edward," she started, then swallowed. The black hole of a life without her found a fissure in my chest. And I'd thought leaving her was difficult...

"This has to stop now."

My breathing ceased first – my heart had died already.

"You can't think about things that way. You can't let this... this _guilt_...rule your life."

Guilt? _My_ life? Couldn't she see that this was only about her, about her life, about her safety, about her future?

She continued, ignoring my growing surprise. "You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life _is_ for me."

_It is ALL my fault!_ If I'd been here, none of it, the wolves, the injuries, the cliff-jumping, NONE OF IT would've happened.

The determination in her voice faltered. "So if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time –" I cringed " – you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me."

_Feel bad that I didn't _save_ her..._what was this? That's the only feeling she thought I had for her – as a protector? A cold realization froze me from the inside out. No, it couldn't be true. Bella, the girl, the woman, who saw through every layer of camouflage I'd cultivated for nearly a century, who'd accepted all things vampire more easily than she could traverse a flat surface, couldn't see the truth?

"Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, it would have been my choice, and _not your fault_."

Stunned, I watched her eyes as she tried to take my misguided suicide attempt on herself.

"I know it's your..." she blinked away a tear "...your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible – think of Esme and Carlisle and..." Her mask slipped, revealing just how much I'd hurt her.

Her perfumed breath came out in shaky bursts as she tried to maintain her composure, fanning the flames that fueled my chagrin. She'd run away from home, flown halfway around the world, and faced certain death because she thought I _blamed_ myself? No, it couldn't be!

Fighting to keep my hair-trigger temper in check, I whispered, "Isabella Marie Swan. Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me _because I felt guilty?"_

The emotionless expression she'd reinforced melted into sincere blankness. "Didn't you?"

She had to be trapped between waking and sleeping – only that middle-consciousness could so thoroughly twist her reality.

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." But guilt was a feather compared to the anvil of nothingness her death had set upon me. I searched her face, looking for some trace of deception, some inkling that she knew the truth. I found none.

"Then what are you saying? I don't understand."

How many times had I told her how she'd irreversibly affected me, that she'd managed to cut through my diamond exterior and awaken the dead heart within?

"Bella," I unleashed the full force of my gaze on her, willing her to remember, "I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead. Even if I'd had no hand in your death…" Images of Laurent's red eyes, towering cliffs, and wolves the size of minivans, all things I should have prevented, rushed through my mind. "Even if it wasn't my fault – I would have gone to Italy. Obviously I should have been more careful – I should have spoken to Alice directly rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie." Reluctantly I granted Rosalie my forgiveness; some measure of blame fell on another's hairy shoulders. "But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?" Bella throws herself into the ocean and Charlie goes to a funeral for _someone_ _else_?

"The odds," I said to myself. Bella's catastrophic magnetism and my blind selfishness had skewed events so that our lives were beyond tragic, even by Shakespearean standards. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

"But I still don't understand," she repeated louder. "That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?" I couldn't have heard her right. _So what?_

"So what if I _was_ dead?"

Was she sleeping with her eyes open? What didn't she grasp? Just moments before we'd arrived at her bloodbath of a birthday party I'd explained everything – had she forgotten my envy of Romeo? "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember _everything_ that you told me." She set her mouth and raised her chin, fighting back, just like she had the day I'd done the unthinkable. _Everything that you told me_…including the viciously fictitious denial that I could live without her. She didn't just remember – she _believed_.

Her brown eyes sparkled with defiance in the dim light, still damp with tears. Those last words, those falsehoods, had erased every shred of trust she'd given me. She hadn't just accepted that I was leaving, she'd taken everything I told her to heart – even the lies.

Especially the lies.

Her lower lip trembled ever so slightly, with anger I assumed, and I could resist no longer. Carefully I traced it with my finger, knowing I wouldn't touch it again, once she recognized the truth.

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." My eyes closed and I shook my head – I'd known she believed then, but to nurse the utter lunacy that I'd spurned her – all the way to Italy? I'd thought her an angel, come to save her devoted lover – the compliment fell far short.

And here I was, about to clip her wings again. Devilish fate hadn't abandoned me – she'd only taken a break to sharpen her knives. She held one over my back even now, ready to plunge it through my heart.

If only I could take back what I'd said, prove to Bella that those words were insignificant compared to all the rest. _Remember, my love, remember the truth._

"I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am..." I opened my eyes to see her face twisted into a painful grimace. "Confused." She stared at me, waiting for an explanation that would make sense. Only one fact could clear her confusion. One admission that would solidify her distrust.

I returned her gaze, wishing I had a soul to bear. "I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

The moment the words left my mouth, the blood drained from Bella's face, leaving it ashen. I'd seen her like this only once before, in one of Alice's visions. She'd seen two futures for the woman I loved – one led to a complexion of polished marble, the other left Bella with the pasty pallor of death.

It was the second face I looked upon now. Her palpitating heart and shallow pants belied the corpse-like emptiness in her eyes, but I shook her, needing her to hear the rest…hear the reason.

Nothing.

"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly. That was…excruciating."

She remained unresponsive. Beyond catatonic…lifeless.

Panicked, I continued to speak, rushing through an explanation of my despicable actions of that day, watching for some sign of comprehension, recognition, or even anger, but Bella didn't move. "I hoped that, if you thought _I'd moved _on, so would you."

"A clean break," she said tersely, relieving only a modicum of my anxiety.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head." As always, I'd predicted wrong.

"_Well, that changes things,"_ she'd said, not even questioning the lie. Ironically, that's exactly what I wanted to hear, this time.

Finally, the apology came, too little, too late. "I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry."

Bella said nothing. The only sign she might have heard me was her lips turning white under the pressure. My guilt grew to titanic proportions as I searched her eyes.

"_You don't want me."_ As I repeated her words in my head, I heard something…no, I _didn't_ hear something. Her careful annunciation was flat, without _surprise_. Had she been _expecting_ me to push her aside, to discard her?

Shock took over, turning my confession into accusation. "But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me? I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly _believed _that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that _I _could exist without needing _you_!"

Glassy-eyed, she inhaled slowly. I wanted, no _needed_ her to tell me how she'd been able to accept that I could just stop loving her. Had she always thought me capable of such a devious act? Did she _ever_ believe I loved her? I felt my reality slipping away – just as hers had.

I jiggled her shoulder again. "Bella, really, what were you thinking!"

Finally the spell broke in a cascade of tears. "I knew it," she whimpered. "I _knew _I was dreaming."

For the love of all that's sacred! NOW she thinks this is a nightmare?

"You're impossible," I snapped. If I hadn't slept myself in almost eighty-eight years, I would have sworn I was dreaming, too. With an irritated laugh, I started over. Again.

"How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I _have _always loved you, and I _will _always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

She denied me with a violent shake of her head, her tears spilling on the pillow, mixing in her hair, staining my shirt.

"You don't believe me, do you?" Maybe she never had. My chest emptied, just as it had when I was away. Without any more truths or lies to tell, what was left? "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?" I whispered.

"It never...made sense for...you to love me," she sobbed. "I always knew that."

My frustration peaked. No, it didn't make sense – how many times had I explained that to her? But the emphasis on her words clearly demeaned the wrong party. I was the one unworthy – after everything I'd done to her, she still couldn't see?

No more tales, no more explanations. This night terror would end here and now.

"I'll prove you're awake," I said, securing her delicate face in my hands. I lowered my face to hers.

Her jaw worked against my palms. "Please don't," she pleaded, a single tear rolling on to my fingers just before our lips touched.

"Why not?" I demanded. If my kiss couldn't convince her I still loved her, nothing could.

"When I wake up," – her breath filled my mouth as I started to argue – "okay, forget that one – when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I inspected her face, seeing the wariness she'd displayed on the way home. Suddenly, her contradictory actions fell into place. Maybe she didn't _want_ me to love her – or worse – didn't want to love _me_. After all we'd been through, I'd assumed that all my attempts at giving her a human life, a human future, had failed. What if I'd succeeded? A crueler fate could not await me.

Masochist that I was, I had to know. "Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you _have _moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be…" _unbearable_ "…quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please – just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I pressed.

Her eyes tightened. "What kind of an idiotic question is that?"

Fate's blade twisted in my back. "Just answer it. Please."

She glared at me, her flushed skin like lava in my grasp. A few more molten tears escaped – angry drops of fire. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you—and there's nothing you can do about it!"

The fire of her determination… her love …her forgiveness engulfed me.

I'm sure I said something, but as soon as our lips touched, words became meaningless. Behind my eyelids I saw white flashes of lightning that matched the flames licking my every nerve, coursing over every inch of my skin as she crushed her mouth to mine. Like staring at the sun, I was blinded, unable to process the pure grace of the woman in my arms.

Unable to see, I let my thumbs follow her cheekbones, my fingers find her eyebrows. Her lips parted, and without thinking of the consequences, mine followed suit. Thankfully she leaned away, hungrily gasping for breath.

"Bella," I chanted, more a prayer than a plea, then captured her mouth again. Freshly moistened, her lips tasted of ambrosia and light – an elixir I could survive on forever. Her hands took over where mine had left off, brushing my eyelashes and tickling my chin. Her fingers moved into my hair, and mine followed suit. I couldn't safely grab a fistful like she did, but let my fingers roam over her scalp, stopping only to trace her ear or massage her neck. Tempted to let my lips follow my hands to her throat, I reluctantly let air find its way between us again.

Bella sucked in a breath like a swimmer surfacing after a deep dive, but didn't remove her hands from my hair. Rather than suffocate her with another lusty kiss, I turned my head to the side and rested my ear against her chest. The thrum of her racing heart echoed through my head, but my mouth remained dry.

My head rose and fell on Bella's chest while she gulped in air. I smiled, certain I'd demonstrated that she was definitely awake. But there was another misconception I needed to dispel. What had she said? _"When you leave again."_

I waited for her breathing to slow before I broached what I hoped was the last barrier between us. "By the way, I'm not leaving you."

She didn't respond, and I looked up, afraid I'd find Bella frozen again. Thankfully, her eyes were warm and responsive, and I added weight to my vow. "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you." I tried to explain how I couldn't ever leave again, that I'd never _wanted_ to leave in the first place. My attempt at giving her a normal human life had failed miserably, and I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

As I confessed my weakness, her expression darkened, her eyes turning cold. When I finished, she looked ready to cry again. "Don't promise me anything," she said quietly.

She didn't trust me. Could I have been more thorough in destroying my own life? "You think I'm lying to you now?"

"No – not lying," she said quickly. She nibbled her lip, searching for the right words to tell me...what? I forced myself to remain quiet, to stay patient while she ordered her thoughts.

"You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

He wouldn't dare, but I cringed, remembering his ferocious attack.

Another piece of truth fell into place, and Bella's eyes lit up briefly. "It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right." Satisfied, she looked to me for confirmation.

Given enough information, her perception was flawless. What she didn't know was that I would have been here, in her room, on this night, regardless of the circumstances.

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time – and not much of it – before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that." With Bella in my arms, I had trouble believing I'd made it as long as I did.

"Be serious, please," she groaned.

"Oh, I am." I stared at her, willing her to believe me. If she accused me of being a dream again, I didn't know what I would do. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" _And understand?_

She started to roll her eyes away, dismissing my pleas, but stopped. Whether it was the desperation in my voice or tearless frustration in my face, she reevaluated what she saw and pursed her lips. Awake or asleep, at least I had her attention.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason…" The picture formed in my mind, and I felt the deep rightness of what I was saying. "And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black." My chest ached, fighting the memory's intrusion yet again. "Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

For a moment I thought she heard me. Her eyes moistened for just a second, but then she blinked away the tears and looked at my chin, hiding from me again.

"Your eyes will adjust," she murmured, as if convincing herself.

"That's just the problem—they can't."

She paused, smoothing her expression before looking in my eyes again. "What about your distractions?"

Distractions – ha! If only she knew how impossible it was to keep her out of my mind. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the…" There wasn't a word to describe my life without her! "…the _agony_. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

She smirked. "That's funny."

"Funny?" Bella had every right to be vindictive, but it wasn't in her nature. At least it hadn't been before I'd left.

I must have winced, because she touched my chin and spoke quickly. "I meant strange – I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She took a long, slow, deep breath, relishing the simple act. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

Her heart seemed to get louder, confirming her discovery. I rested my ear on her chest, wishing I had a matching pulse. As much as I longed to be human for her, I couldn't completely regret what I was. Without immortality I never would have met Bella. I would have died long ago, an empty man; a life lived without reason or purpose.

She nuzzled my hair and inhaled deeply again. I was content to stay like this for eternity – or at least sunrise – but Bella lifted her face. "Tracking wasn't a distraction then?"

She didn't sound that interested in the answer, but I indulged her. "No, that was never a distraction. It was an obligation." One I didn't take seriously enough.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with…" Body after mangled body flashed through my mind. "Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil – and really she came here." Bella's mouth dropped open, obviously as disappointed in my efforts as I was. Here I was worried about strangers when it was Bella that Victoria was pursuing! "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears –"

"You were hunting _Victoria_?" She interrupted me with a muted scream. The snores echoing from across the hall turned into a choke, but Charlie didn't wake. Biting her lip, her eyes threatened to jump out of her head, they were so huge. She was…angry?

"Not well. But I'll do better this time." I wouldn't fail again, I swore to Bella and myself. "She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

Bella's cheeks turned beet red. "That is…out of the question." Her jaw worked, like she was looking for a stronger rebuke.

Her anger confused me – was she mad at me for letting Victoria endanger her? Surely she didn't forgive Victoria her part in the Phoenix incident!

I watched her carefully as I spoke. "It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after –"

"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" Her voice cracked on the last word, a clue. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?" She didn't want me going after Victoria…because she was afraid for me?

"I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria," her name felt like acid in my mouth, "is going to die. Soon."

The fear in Bella's eyes did not diminish, if anything it became more pronounced. "Let's not be hasty. Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her." The wolves…yet another reason I couldn't leave. "Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

I nodded carefully, hoping that she'd finally seen the danger her _friend_ posed. "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

With a snort, Bella deflected my concerns. "I wasn't talking about _Jacob_. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

I absorbed what she said slowly. What else had she been up to with the dogs? Getting into trouble? A handful…how many were there this time? Well, that wouldn't be an issue any longer.

Something else she said left me cold. "Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

She scowled. "How about the second greatest?"

"All right." Victoria was _third_ on her list of problems, not including the mutts? Letting my hatred of all things canine go for the moment, I watched as Bella's face went from embarrassed to terrified.

"There are others who are coming to look for me."

I recognized the fear, now. It was the same look she had when she'd seen Aro. The Volturi.

As usual – I surprised myself with how casually I dismissed my absence – as usual, she was worried about the wrong things.

"The Volturi are only the _second _greatest?" What did that leave? One answer was obvious…

Bella's eyes tightened. "You don't seem that upset about it."

Could she grasp how their millennia-old minds worked? "Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."

Suddenly Bella stopped breathing and her face paled. Her eyes welled again, and I rushed to calm her.

"You don't have to be afraid. I won't let them hurt you." I touched her cheek, trying to sooth her.

"While you're here."

Her words hit me like an atomic blast. What…_why_ would she say that? I caught her face between my hands, forcing her to look into my eyes. "I will never leave you again," I swore.

"But you said _thirty_! What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right." Her tears were pearls on a thread as they followed a single strand of hair down to her pillow. We'd come full circle, I realized. That day, that horrid day when everything had gone wrong…her birthday…had been all about growing old versus soulless immortality. Our impasse – the one I'd thought had been laid to rest when she'd seen the final moments of over two score of human lives – came back stronger than ever.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do." I tried to hide my disappointment, but couldn't relax my jaw. "What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul." And neither will anyone else, _Alice_.

Bella's voice came out as a squeak. "Is this really…" She stopped mid-question, pinching her lips together.

"Yes?" The last thing I'd expected was to be rehashing this old argument.

Something in her eyes changed, yet her voice quivered. "But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your _grandmother_?"

I didn't need a second to answer, but made myself pause and imagine the Bella that haunted her. Gray hair, crow's feet…it didn't matter. She would always be my Bella. I kissed away the salty-sweet wetness on her cheeks, the flavor warming my chest, not my throat.

"That doesn't mean anything to me. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course…"

While I saw her age as a thing of grace and beauty, would she always see me as a teenager? Never growing, never maturing, always a child. I'd be content just to be with her, even if we never kissed again, but if I was an embarrassment, a burden…

I swallowed. It was, and always would be her choice. "If you outgrew _me_ – if you wanted something more – I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" she nearly growled.

Jasper's promise and my memory of the three original wolves eased the emptiness. "I'll follow after as soon as I can."

"That is seriously…sick," she hissed.

"Bella, it's the only right way left –"

"Let's just back up for a minute." She glared at me. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm _thirty"_ – she trembled in my arms at the number – "do you really think they'll forget?"

I shook my head, both frustrated and proud of her ability to come up with new and valid arguments. "No, they won't forget. But…" I wanted more time to solidify my ideas to protect her. To hide her.

"But?" Her impatience struck me as adorable.

"I have a few plans." I smiled, unable to resist taunting.

Bella spoke through her teeth, ferocious but endearing. "And these plans…these _plans_ all center around me staying _human_."

I lost all sense of humor when she dismissed mortality like it was a disease. "Naturally."

Her glare sharpened, and I returned the obstinance, forcing myself to ignore the way her bottom lip pouched out when she was being stubborn. I was unprepared when she used her hands, not her words to push me away.

Backing away from her, I realized there was no impasse – that there was one solution I'd all but forgotten. "Do you want me to leave?" Without breathing I waited for the final blow, ending our argument for good.

"No," she said, smoothing out her shirt. "_I'm _leaving."

* * *

_End Notes:_

_Thanks to JulieJulieJulie for catching my "voilet" mistake! What great eyes!_


	20. Epiphanies

_Author's notes:_

_Thanks to all my faithful readers. I ended up breaking this chapter in two – so there's STILL two chapters left (unless the Epilogue splits, too, but that has yet to be determined)._

_You can follow me on twitter: twitter (dot) com (slash) blondieakarobin Teasers have been known to show up there from time to time._

_Send some love to my betas, NoMoreThanUsual, and most especially to Roo who's balancing her laptop on one knee and her brand new baby girl on the other. Now that's multitasking! Love you fiercely, my friends._

_Mood music (going old school this time): Still in Love, Boston; One Slip, Pink Floyd_

_What songs do you know that mention 'Dark Side of the Moon?' I found Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down, and of course, Eclipse by Pink Floyd. If you know of others, let me know!

* * *

_

**Epiphanies**

_She's_ leaving? I collected my surprise quickly. She wasn't joking...Bella climbed over me and started stumbling around, sweeping the floor with her feet, inadvertently kicking the foot of the bed.

"May I ask where you are going?" I asked, rolling onto my side.

"I'm going to your house." She caught herself on the back of the desk chair with a huff.

Wincing when she kicked her trashcan, I retrieved the objects of her search from in front of the closet. "Here are your shoes." Rather than dwell on what she hoped to find at my house, I worked on dissuading her from going. "How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck."

"That will probably wake Charlie." I wondered how fast he could load his gun in the dark.

"I know," she said with a sigh. "But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

"None. He'll blame me, not you." The flash of guilt that wrinkled her forehead brought a smile to my lips. _Maybe she'll give up._

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

_Forget about immortality and come back to bed_. "Stay here," I offered weakly.

Her shoes on, she bumped into the dresser before fishing a sweater out of one of the drawers. "No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home." One side of her mouth rose – was she teasing me?

I returned the favor, putting my body between her and the door. She bumped against my chest, a moth running into a brick wall. Unable to move me, her touch nonetheless sent a shiver down my spine.

If she felt the same jolt, it didn't show. With a grimace she spun around toward the window. _Surely she wouldn't jump._

What was I thinking? She'd leapt off a cliff for "fun" and nearly drowned.

When she started to lift her leg over the sill, I acquiesced. "Okay, I'll give you a ride."

With a shrug she lowered her foot to the floor. "Either way. But you probably should be there, too."

Her nonchalant tone pushed my curiosity over the edge. "And why is that?"

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

I locked my jaw. "My views on which subject?"

She continued her flippant answers. "This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

Stupid…human…my _family_? I swallowed a frustrated growl. "A say in what?"

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."

_A vote?_ Like the future of her soul was as trivial as raising taxes or approving a new traffic signal. Fine. She would learn that when it came to her welfare, democracy meant little.

Sweeping Bella into my arms, we dropped from her window. She sucked in a quick breath and blew it out across my neck as she looked back up at her room. The adrenaline that sweetened her fragrance only confirmed my suspicion that she _would_ have jumped out herself – probably breaking an arm or leg or worse – had I not intervened.

"All right then, up you go." I didn't bother to suggest she close her eyes; more out of spite than acceptance of Bella's new fearless nature.

With her legs encircling my waist and her arms around my neck, my temper melted away quickly as we dashed through the forest. I'd spent the last months in the jungle, but it had been nothing like this. This night reminded me of the moment I'd awakened a vampire: everything was so clear, like a blurry past had been erased. The trees reached out to us like lovers, welcoming us home, the moss and leaves waving like flags as we rushed by.

Bella took another deep breath and set her chin on my shoulder. Her cheek rose against the side of my neck; she was smiling.

The muted moonlight seemed to brighten, smiling with her. Though I had no to reason to, I sped up, causing her to grip me just a little tighter. The adrenaline faded as her pulse evened out, each beat echoing through my chest. Beyond her human warmth and softness, though, it was her contentment, her happiness that seemed to squeeze life into my heart.

If that wasn't enough, her lips found my neck, just as I leapt over the river. She may have been my angel, but her kiss gave me wings. I barely felt the ground beneath me as I slowed, catching a few whispers from the house only a couple of miles away.

"Thank you," I said, once the air around us calmed. "Does that mean you've decided you're awake?"

Her laugh started as a hum that vibrated over my skin, making the hairs on the back of my neck rise with delicious excitement. "Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

The sub-context of her easy response spoke volumes. She still didn't believe that I was back to stay. Well, I deserved that. "I'll earn your trust back somehow, if it's my final act."

"I trust _you_," she said emphatically. "It's me I don't trust."

The irony in the way she reversed her statement wasn't lost on me. I'd done exactly that when I'd so thoroughly convinced her that I'd lost interest in her. The reason for the change eluded me, though.

"Explain that, please."

"Well—I don't trust myself to be… enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could _hold _you."

The lie _still_ polluted her perception, distorting reality into something worse than any nightmare. Couldn't _hold_ me? Nothing else on this Earth could bind me tighter.

I lowered her to the ground and captured her in my arms. The muted moonlight wasn't enough for her to see the conviction in my eyes, so all I could do was cradle her against my silent chest. I willed my lifeless heart to squeeze just once, to tell Bella what my words couldn't. That I was hers...that I had been hers from the moment I laid eyes on her from across that crowded cafeteria.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable," I said. "Never doubt that."

She didn't move, and I read her reticence as denial. If only I could prove myself...

I'd start with her list of problems. The wolves, Victoria, the Volturi...but the spot at the top was as yet unfilled.

"You never did tell me," I started. Did I really need her to confirm what I already knew?

"What?"

"What your greatest problem is," I murmured.

"I'll give you one guess." She cocked her head up to look at me, then barely touched the tip of my nose with her finger. Of course.

"I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that."

Irritated, she rolled her eyes, then flared her nostrils, as if she thought I couldn't see her. "The worst the Volturi can do is kill me."

I was worse than death? My stomach settled somewhere near my knees.

She inspected my face. "You can leave me. The Volturi, Victoria…" she named the dangers patiently, without a hint of dread. "They're nothing compared to that."

In her fathomless, honest eyes was a shimmer – a fracture. Just a hint of the scar that ran deeper than any cut, piercing her perfect soul. I'd permanently maimed her, and her succinct statement proved that she didn't put me above doing it again.

Inside my diamond-hard shell, I crumbled to dust.

No fire, no torture, no physical sensation could compare to the agony I felt looking at Bella. All the time I was away, I'd consoled myself with the fact that my discomfort was in her stead – that by my suffering, she would find peace and safety and happiness. With four simple words, she proved how wrong, how blind I'd been.

"_You can leave me."_ Implicit in the statement was her justified distrust. Not "you _did_ leave me," but "you _can_ leave me." Completely neglecting the fact that I'd already inflicted such evil upon her, she believed I'd be willing, let alone able, to tear myself from her again. Her well-deserved lack of faith seared me to the core.

Still, she stood before me, her hands resting on my chest, her eyes imploring. _"I would rather die than stay away from you,"_ they said, just like they had in a quiet meadow a year ago. After everything I'd done to her, behind the pain that tarnished her loving eyes, her greatest worry was _losing_ me.

I wanted to cry out, say _something_ that would erase the past, erase the pain that left such a mark on her. It'd been words that created the scar, but words could never heal it. Instead I remained silent, helpless before her, powerless in the face of her innocence.

Her lips curled down as she took my anguish as her own, paradoxically increasing it tenfold.

"Don't," she breathed, stroking my jaw. "Don't be sad."

I couldn't let her take any more on herself. "If there was only some way to make you see that I _can't _leave you." Her hand slid down to my neck, stroking my useless jugular. "Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you."

A careful half-smile crossed her smooth lips. "Okay."

Okay. Just like that. No rebuke, no complaints, not even a grimace. Whether she believed I would stay or not, she didn't care, putting her heart back in my care without even a second thought. She was willing, almost eager to suffer even more at my hand, if only to be with me.

Though I rejoiced at her completely unreasonable trust in me, I knew she was right to think I'd cause her pain in the future. What would it be next time? More physical injury? A therapy-inducing emotional blow or two? Maybe something spiritual – but I refused to consider what other ways I could damage her soul.

Bella caught the side of her mouth between her teeth, then purposefully relaxed her face. "So – since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?" she asked lightly.

Recognizing her distraction, I managed a chuckle before confessing yet another transgression. "Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders." Her eyes widened. "It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets—they're all under your floorboards."

"_Really?"_

It was Christmas in March, by the excitement on her face. Of all the things I could give her, the return of her own possessions thrilled her the most. Her eyes sparkled in the dim light, making it hard to wallow in misery.

"I think...I'm not sure, but I wonder," she said, suddenly pensive, "I think maybe I knew it the whole time."

"What did you know?"

She spoke slowly, like she was reading words that were just now being revealed to her. "Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died."

I indulged in the thought that our lives could return to something resembling normal. Then her head tilted to the right.

"That's probably why I was hearing the voices."

I'd wondered what _more_ harm I could inflict on Bella...but I hadn't realized the sum total of the damage I'd already caused. I couldn't speak immediately, momentarily frozen as I considered what psychiatric injuries she'd sustained. She still hadn't admitted to her suicide attempt, but my suspicions gained strength.

"Voices?" I asked, unable to articulate anything else.

"Well, just one voice. Yours." With a guilty look, she played with the tip of my collar. "It's a long story," she said casually.

"I've got time." I had nothing _but_ time.

"It's pretty pathetic." Her hand stilled and she glanced guiltily up at me.

I contemplated flying in a private therapist while I waited for her explanation. Carlisle would know who to contact.

She sighed. "Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"

"You jumped off a cliff for fun," or so she claimed.

A swallow. "Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle –"

"Motorcycle?" I choked.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

Again she stunned me into speechlessness. "No."

As if it wasn't enough that every type of supernatural menace managed to find its way to Bella's doorstep, she'd found even more ways to put herself in harm's way. Exactly how many times had she tried to end her life?

"Well, about that… See, I found that…when I was doing something dangerous or stupid…" She took a deep breath. When she spoke again, the words flowed like a river. "I could remember you more clearly. I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much – it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt."

She took a gulp of air and continued, shrugging like she was admitting to something as innocuous as plagiarizing homework. Apparently I wasn't the only who'd lied that awful day.

"And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all. I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."

Finished, a peaceful contemplation filled her face.

I could barely see it. While I'd been trapped with her in my mind, unable to escape her voice, her ghostly image, she'd been trying to revive memories of me by doing _what?_

"You…were… risking your life…to hear –"

She waved her hand between us, silencing me. "Shh. Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here."

For thirty agonizing seconds she remained silent before her mouth fell open. "Oh!"

"Bella?" If she'd put herself in danger while I was gone, what would she do now that I was back?

"Oh. Okay. I see." A placid expression filled her face, but she didn't speak again.

What could she have possibly discerned? "Your epiphany?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know.

"You love me."

Bella's eyes rounded with the words, pulling me from my worry. Her face became incandescent with understanding and she finally graced me with the smile I'd been dying to see. The joy obvious in her earthy eyes and ruby cheeks took my breath away.

I'd told her so many times before that I loved her, but she'd never truly comprehended, blinded by a twisted sense of unworthiness. Now she knew, and an invisible wall disintegrated between us.

"Truly, I do," I replied with a smile. All along I'd known that I wasn't enough for her, that I was the one who was unworthy, not seeing that she felt equally undeserving. With those three words, she finally understood that she was my life. Every breath, every thought, every second of my existence was only for her. And the way she said the word 'love' was with a reverence, an awe that told me she no longer questioned that I lived only for her.

Bella's eyes glistened in the moonlight and her lips trembled from the force of her revelation. She didn't need to speak; the love, the pure wonder, radiated out from her like shockwaves, washing me in euphoria. She _had_ known that I'd never stopped loving her. The truth had been hidden, but it had survived, somewhere deep inside her.

The world around us disappeared as I took her luminous face in my hands. My fingers tingled as the emotion passed between us with invisible sparks. Her lips met mine confidently, her shiver vanishing at the first touch. We became one in that moment, neither of us doubting our feelings any longer. Her warmth, the electricity of her touch, the sweet fire in her scent, and the power of her heartbeat combined to overwhelm my senses. I found my heaven in the loving kiss of this fragile woman.

All of my regret fell away for these few magical seconds; there wasn't any room in me for such inadequacy. She responded in kind, and I finally understood that it wasn't a teenage crush or overactive hormones that drove her exuberance – her human devotion to me was just as strong as mine was for her…stronger, if I was truthful. She'd managed to keep me in her heart all this time, but also loved so many others, especially her father. She didn't desert her family as I had, but had done what she could to love him as well. The depth of her compassion was immeasurable.

I may not have deserved her, but she was mine. Her heart raced in my grasp, just as mine would have, were it possible. We would share _her_ heart, and I would savor every beat.

Reluctantly I released her lips as she wobbled in my arms. The strength of her love left me breathless, and as I rested my head on hers I drank in her scent, her flavor, with gusto.

"_You love me."_ The words repeated in my head – and her epiphany took hold of me.

I'd arrogantly thought that she was incapable of understanding how deeply I adored her, but her words illustrated how wrong I'd been. She understood so much better than I did – and she always had.

Bella had trusted me from the beginning, implicitly knowing that the burn, the incredible thirst I had for her, couldn't control me. I'd attributed the fire solely to that thirst, to the physical need I felt for her blood, not to what it really was: pure, unadulterated desire. It was as if I'd been ripped from a vat of ice water and thrown into a hot tub that first day…my instincts reacted in the only way they knew how, unable to process how completely the delicate girl sitting next to me could fulfill every one of my needs, not just sustenance. And yet, I must have recognized the difference somehow – what else could explain how I spared her life that first, terrible day?

Until this moment, I'd only acknowledged the painful edge of the burn, ignoring the life-giving warmth the fire provided. Bella must've felt that edge too, developing an inconceivable worry that I couldn't possibly love her the way she loved me. Was that what fueled her passionate overreaction whenever we kissed? Was _she_ feeling the searing heat then? It was in those fevered moments that _I'd_ felt the fire somewhere other than my throat…

Now I understood, and the blaze in my throat expanded, engulfing me completely in her loving aura. The thirst was still present, but the pain disappeared as the rest of my desire was satisfied. She was mine, and always had been. Blinded by confusion, I'd fought against the one thing that could save me. No longer would I resist, and took another deep breath, embracing the heat, finally letting the fervor, her passion, her love, overwhelm me.

I'd been so lost without her.

"You were better at it than I was, you know," I whispered hoarsely, my forehead touching hers.

"Better at what?"

"Surviving."

Her face relaxed, hearing comprehension in my voice.

"You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was…totally useless. I couldn't be around my family – I couldn't be around anyone. I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me."

No, it wasn't misery I gave myself over to – it was her. Closing myself off from the world, I'd locked myself in my mind, with her. We weren't so different, I realized. Though she'd taken a different, dangerous, nearly fatal path, I could relate, a little, to her need for "extreme sports." We'd both found sanctuary in imagined versions of each other.

"…It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too." I gazed down at her, devouring the love she poured over me, recognizing that she _hadn't_ forgiven me – she'd never _blamed_ me. I would never know why or how she'd chosen me, but I would never take that gift for granted, ever.

She smiled, laughter dancing around her eyes. "I only heard one voice," she said, playfully poking my shirt.

I tucked her against my side with a chuckle and led her through the trees. She wrapped her arms around my waist, walking in step as we approached the clearing. I could see that Emmett had already started work on the yard; the grass was fragrant from its recent mowing. Redneck jokes abounded in my mind, something I'd enjoy needling him with later.

The house was alive, as it was every night, though dark. Carlisle was in his office, preparing a request for applicants to fill the vacant surgical residencies at the hospital. Across from him, curled up on the couch, was Esme, singing to herself while she sketched a small building, a cottage of some sort. Carlisle stopped to listen, marveling at her beauty, just like he had the day he'd found her, broken and near death. When he rose and she stopped singing, I turned my attention to the living room.

Jasper was sprawled across the sofa watching Emmett wield a huge flat screen TV. He'd removed the old, smaller TV and was now attempting to affix the new model to the wall.

"Alice told you not to get that out till tomorrow," Jasper warned.

"Bah," he snorted. "She saw Bella drown, too."

I ground my teeth together briefly. Emmett could joke about anything, the tactless oaf.

"After all the trouble it took to get the TV shipped here instead of New York, I want to be able to watch it! Besides, West Virginia's playing tomorrow, I can't miss that."

_How many times will it take for him to believe her?_ Jasper thought.

"Keep the old TV, Em," Alice said from the garage. Her attention was on Rosalie's high heels, sticking out from under my Aston Martin. Seeing a crystal clear vision of me hand her a set of Porsche keys, she asked, "So, are all German cars the same, Rose?"

Bella grabbed a handful of my shirt, trying to steady herself as we walked through the grass. She couldn't hear Rosalie's snicker in response to Alice's inquiry, nor Emmett's irreverent translation of the Korean installation instructions. The intense revelations of our conversation had distracted me from the purpose of our visit, but it returned with a vengeance as I looked upon the home I'd abandoned months ago.

"I'm only humoring you with this," I said. She squinted toward where I motioned, trying to make out the house. "It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say." Wrong or right, Bella's welfare was _my_ responsibility – everyone in my family understood that. Carlisle had made his views clear before I'd left. _"You're going to have to work this out with _him_,"_ he'd told her. Until Bella _and_ I decided she was to suffer immortality, she would remain human.

"This affects them now, too," she said, undeterred.

I shrugged, letting her have her moment. Carlisle would explain, better than I ever could – maybe so well that she would finally give up this twisted goal.

"They're almost here," Alice sang as Emmett made the final connection. He grabbed the empty crate and took it out back.

Rather than wait for us to cross the driveway, Jasper joined my sisters in the garage. "Still no hints as to why Bella's dragging him over here?"

Alice shook her head "Nope." _Not for you, either, Edward._ The worst of all mental tortures began as she pictured a roomful of dolls, all singing "_It's a world of laughter, a world of tears..."_

The family room was empty when I invited Bella in and turned on the lights. My family waited while I called them, none but Alice aware of what was about to happen.

Bella's head swiveled around, inspecting the room. To her credit, she didn't jump when Carlisle appeared at her elbow.

"Welcome back, Bella." He smiled, noting the healthy bloom on her cheeks and her confident stance. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely social visit?"

All ears perked up, waiting for her answer.

"I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."

Carlisle's attention turned to me. It didn't take his vast intellect long to guess her intentions. A group thank you was discounted after one look at my face. _Are we mediating a dispute?_ He cast a glance at my arm around Bella's shoulders. _Not another separation, though._

I didn't give him any more information, leaving Bella to her own illogical undoing.

Unable to fathom why the entire family was required, he said, "Of course. Why don't we talk in the other room?"

He pulled out his chair at the head of the table and offered it to Bella. With a shaky breath, she sat. Her self-assurance wavered as the room filled with my vampire siblings.

A smug Alice sat first. Jasper took the seat next to her, curious as the others, but relaxed, reading the excitement surrounding his mate.

_You still look like hell, little brother, _Emmett thought as he passed, then looked at Bella._ Has she really been asleep this _whole_ time?_

Rosalie followed Emmett's gaze with a critical eye, noting that Bella wore the same blouse as the last time they'd been together. But she forced a smile out when Bella looked in her direction. _I'm really trying, Edward._

Esme's smile was much more genuine. She looked around the table, seeing four perfectly matched couples. _Our family is complete._ The soft, motherly smile she gave Bella fell when she turned to me. _You're troubled. Edward, what is it?_

Carlisle patted her knee under the table and then nodded to Bella. "The floor is yours."

Bella's pink cheeks darkened to a dusty rose, and she shifted nervously. I took her hand, unable to bear seeing her in the slightest discomfort.

Jasper was the first to guess the purpose of our meeting correctly. _She wants something that you won't give her, doesn't she? _ He sampled her emotions, picking up deep-seated resolve under a thin veil of nerves. _That leaves only two possible subjects. Transformation or sex. _He caught my grimace and chuckled internally. _This should be quite interesting._ Ignoring the intense irritation pouring off me, he sent a wave of encouraging calm toward Bella.

"Well." Bella's shoulders relaxed slightly, due to my brother's manipulation, no doubt. "I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?"

A chorus of "Yes" rang through Alice's mind, disrupting the singing automatons. "Everything," she said, returning to her song, envisioning robotic can-can dancers. _Il y tant que nous partageons qu'il est temps de se rendre compte..._

"And on the way?" Bella added.

Alice nodded. "That, too." They had all been gathered around this same table when Alice had announced the promise she'd made to both Bella and Aro. The dumbfounded looks she had received were classic. It was Carlisle's response that drew another grimace from me.

"_I'm sure you'll be able to do it, Alice, with enough preparation."_

Bella continued, unaware of the eddies of thought swirling around me. "Good, then we're all on the same page." She put her free hand on the table and inspected her palm before looking over Rosalie's head out the window.

Around the room, more guesses were made, most correct. A quick count put the votes in Bella's favor, but that meant little. Carlisle's thoughts were surprisingly quiet; as usual he reserved his judgment until after hearing both sides.

Bella began, slowly including everyone as her eyes swept the room. "So, I have a problem. Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing – something to avoid.

"And so, now, this involves you all. I'm sorry about that." I should have known she would try to take the blame for something that was never her fault. She'd been so quick to hold me blameless; I'd never be so lenient on myself. "But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."

Esme started to assure Bella that that would never be the case, but was stopped by a single, delicate finger.

"Please, let me finish," Bella said with an apologetic frown. "You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then –" her face wrinkled in contemplation "– I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have _them _coming _here_."

_Go back?_ She was ready to skin me alive for trying to end my life when I thought she was _dead_, and now she was ready to throw her life away just to protect us? My throat rumbled to life, my anger coming out as a menacing growl. I shouldn't be surprised – she'd done it before, screaming at me to stay away while James tortured her.

Only Esme took Bella's threat seriously. _Edward, you can't let her do such a thing!_

Bella would never make it out of this house, let alone to the airport. I'd steal her car keys, her passport, her...

_It's not going to happen, calm down, Edward, _Alice interrupted. She didn't show me the immediate future, concentrating instead on a new vision she'd had...a graduation party the likes of which Forks had never seen. She was still hiding from me, but at least Bella was alive and well in this unexpectedly social future.

_She's just as manipulative as you are,_ Rosalie thought.

Jasper and Emmett contemplated what a confrontation with the Volturi would entail, while Carlisle evaluated the conviction in Bella's declaration.

_She hasn't really thought this through,_ he decided.

Bella waited until I'd quieted. "Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire." The corner of her mouth turned up.

_HA! She's going over your head._

_You two are made for each other._

_It's destiny. She can see it, can't you?_

_She has no idea what she's giving up._

_An edict can't be ignored._

My hand fisted under the table at the thoughts bombarding me.

Bella waved toward Carlisle, inviting him to start.

_I was afraid it would come to this,_ he thought. He stared into her eyes, trying to balance Bella's free will against my beliefs. His own morals kept interfering, both as a physician and a cleric. Esme took his hand, and the single fact that made his decision academic echoed in his mind. _Bella is _Edward's_ mate. Do we have a right to interfere, danger or not?_

_No._ "Just a minute," I said, interrupting his mental argument.

Bella stared daggers at me, but I reminded her with a lifted eyebrow that she'd invited my opinion. I squeezed her hand gently, almost sorry for what was about to happen.

"I have something to add before we vote."

Her frustrated exhalation blew her scent around the room, and everyone, save Carlisle and myself, swallowed.

"About the danger Bella's referring to," I said, looking at Jasper.

_I'm fine, don't even think it, _Jasper whined mentally. _You're the only one with black eyes here._

"...I don't think we need to be overly anxious." Jasper rolled his eyes, and I continued. "You see, there was more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in."

"Which was?" Alice's nose scrunched up in disgust. _Spin your fairytale. It won't change anything. _Her shell cracked just enough to show me Bella's satisfied grin, presumably moments from now.

I ignored her heckling. "The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem." I turned to Bella, who was also scowling. "Do you remember Demetri?"

Her answer was a shiver. As I explained how Demetri's talent was the key to the Volturi's threat, her lips thinned and whitened.

"But after Aro's little experiments, well..." I let her draw the only possible conclusion.

"You think he won't be able to find me." She wasn't pleased – but the fear had dissipated.

A mental murmur rippled around the room as new options revealed themselves to my siblings. The tide was turning in my favor.

I fought back a smile. "I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."

_To her,_ Jasper countered.

Bella echoed his skepticism. "And how does that solve anything?"

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you." To Jasper, "They'll be helpless. It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!" _We can pick them off one by one, if need be._

Emmett may as well have read my mind – his devious grin mirrored mine.

Jasper analyzed the tactical soundness of my plan. _There's still a flaw..._

"But they can find _you_," Bella sneered.

_Have I mentioned how much I like her?_ Jasper added with a smirk.

"And I can take care of myself," I said, answering them both.

Jasper weighed my comment against the fact that Alice could also be tracked. _You'd offer yourself as bait?_

I bobbed my head.

With a guffaw, Emmett offered me his fist. _When he finds you, we'll be waiting! _ "Excellent plan, my brother!"

I smacked my knuckles against his, adding his vote to my tally.

Not everyone was pleased with my plan, but Jasper's "Nice," made more of an impression on Carlisle than Rosalie's or Alice's negative comments.

Bella's vocal "absolutely not" matched my mother's whispered admonishment of "boys!"

Carlisle was preparing to call the room to order when Bella raised her voice. "All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider." She paused, then looked at me. "Let's vote. Do you want me to join your family?"

_More than anything._ "Not that way. You're staying human." Her naked ring finger rested under my right thumb.

Her only reaction was a stiff nod before moving on. "Alice?"

"Yes." No surprise.

"Jasper?"

"Yes." _You can hide her from Volturi for a while, but they won't stop. Running from them only infuriates them. Demetri will come after Alice instead, and I won't allow that._

I exhaled slowly. Bella's humanity never was what drove Jasper's vote, only Alice's safety. I hadn't been as convincing as I'd hoped.

Bella's eyebrows rose – apparently she hadn't expected Jasper's support. She quickly erased her surprise and turned to my other sister.

Her voice wasn't nearly as confident this time. "Rosalie?"

Rosalie hesitated, biting down on her full, perfect bottom lip. "No."

I sighed silently. Her jealousy was still in full control.

_Edward, wait, it's not what you think. _Rosalie held her hands up, imploring Bella to listen. _I'm on your side, really._

"Let me explain. I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that," she glanced at Emmett out of the corner of her eye, "this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me." _I'm sorry, Em,_ she thought, but he didn't give her regret a second thought. Emmett knew better than anyone how she's suffered, and respected her honesty. In fact, he loved her all the more for being able to admit how she felt in front of him.

Bella wasn't as impressed with Rosalie's explanation and turned to Emmett. His double-edged sword of honesty swung in my direction.

Not waiting to be asked, he shouted, "Hell, yes!" Grinning from ear to ear, he winked at me. "We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri." _She's going to make an awesome vampire, Edward – she's already got you whipped!_

My upper lip rose, exposing a razor-sharp cuspid.

_Bring it on, bro. Any time, any place,_ he retorted. My other siblings were already planning wagers.

_Boys, stop it,_ Esme thought, hiding her warning behind a warm smile as Bella turned to her. Esme crushed Emmett's toe under the table, effectively wiping the leering grin off his face.

_She belongs with you, Edward,_ my mother thought. _She belongs with US._ "Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of my family."

"Thank you, Esme," Bella said with a blush. Everyone looked to Carlisle, but I watched Alice.

She arched an eyebrow at me. _Yes?_ she thought smugly, but emptied her mind.

Bella's pulse picked up speed. When I checked the view through Carlisle's eyes, it was _my_ profile I saw, not Bella's worried face.

"Edward."

My head snapped around. Carlisle didn't smile, but wore a resigned frown. _She knows what's at stake, for her, for her family, for us, and for you. It's obvious that she feels the same love that you do. She doesn't see the change as a sacrifice, but as a…_

"No!" The word came out like a curse. He couldn't let her throw away her soul just to protect us – to protect me! I bared my teeth at my father, the man I'd idolized for his compassion and fairness. _How could he desert me now?_

Carlisle stared at me in earnest. "It's the only way that makes sense. You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice." _I won't condemn either of you to death, Edward. I can't._

His pleas for forgiveness and understanding settled like dust around me, choking me. The rage bubbled up from the pit of my stomach…I had to get away from Bella before it erupted in violence. I jumped up, spewing profanities under my breath that stunned everyone, even Emmett.

"So much for your precious Hippocratic Oath," I snarled, stopping just out of sight of Bella. The fact Carlisle had driven me from my love hurt the most. _Do no harm? _– it was all a lie.

Carlisle's unwanted and inappropriate sympathy found a new target in Bella. "I guess you know my vote."

He looked upon her shocked expression, appreciative of the sacrifices she was willing to make, but guilty for those she hadn't comprehended yet.

"Thanks," she murmured, her eyes locked on the doorway I'd exited.

Watching Bella stare after me through Carlisle's eyes only exacerbated the betrayal. Not his, but mine. After all was said and done, no matter how angry or frustrated or disappointed I was, some part of me rejoiced. There was nothing I wanted more than to have Bella forever – and for that I deserved nothing but hell.

Emmett continued to make light of my misery. _When will you stop fighting the inevitable? Once she's a vampire, you'll get finally laid and–_

CRASH!

His new TV was a pile of shattered glass and plastic before he finished the thought. But his words found purchase. If it was inevitable, how much longer could I resist?

Emmett's epithets mixed with Alice's whispered "I told you."

Bella jumped at the sound, and from six different angles I watched her frown deepen. "That's all I needed. Thank you. For wanting to keep me. I feel exactly the same way about all of you, too." She pushed her hair back and swallowed loudly, overcome by happiness, I guessed. She'd won her immortality, and lost everything else that mattered.

Esme hugged the human she already considered her daughter. "Dearest Bella," she said, easily ignoring her growing thirst. _Edward will come around. You're meant to be together,_ she thought, stroking Bella's hair.

Such easy acceptance – Bella's humanity meant nothing to her, not to any of them. Except for one.

_I'm sorry, Edward. I tried to help._ Rosalie stared at the polished wood, wondering if Bella would remember after her transition that Rose tried to stop her.

"Thank you, Rosalie. I'm lucky to have you for a sister," I murmured.

_You should be thanking _me_ – this is the way things are meant to be,_ Alice chimed in.

I stalked toward her computer, ready to send _it_ to electronic oblivion when Bella spoke.

"Well, Alice, where do you want to do this?"

TONIGHT?? She'd been planning to start the change tonight? I stormed back into the room, everyone else's shock echoing my own.

"No! _No!_ NO!" I hovered over her, putting my body between her and any who'd try to make good on her request. "Are you insane? Have you utterly lost your mind?"

Behind me, Alice stroked her throat. _Tonight? I didn't see…she just got back…no, that can't be…I can't! _ The visions of Bella with crimson eyes and iridescent skin dissolved into cries of terror and images of gore. Blood on Alice's lips...empty brown eyes, vacant in death... _NO! _

Jasper slipped a protective arm around Alice, keeping his attention squarely on me.

Bella glared up at me, covering her ears with her hands. No fear tinged her expression, only determination. She wasn't about to give up this idiotic notion. As soon as I could get enough control to pick her up without crushing her, I'd take her away.

Seeing the horror in my sister's face, the gravity of the situation was lost on Emmett. "Didn't see THAT coming, did you, Sis?" he grumbled to himself.

Alice tried to redeem herself. "Um, Bella, I don't think I'm _ready _for that. I'll need to prepare…" _Besides, it isn't going to be me,_ she thought, remembering what she'd shown Aro.

Bella craned her neck to look Alice in the eye. "You promised."

"I know, but…Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to _not _kill you." Alice looked to Carlisle, silently begging for his help.

"You can do it, I trust you." Bella refused to let her off the hook.

The arm of the chair splintered in my fingers.

_I can't, Edward, I won't. Not tonight…the outcome would be…_ She didn't have to finish the thought, seeing a clearer glimpse of Bella's bloody corpse. Other body parts littered the scene – there was no telling whose, only that they didn't bleed red. Bella wouldn't be the only one to die.

My fury came out as a wall-shaking roar. If she moved one millimeter toward Bella…

The rest of my family watched in silence, their eyes darting between me, Bella, and Alice. Carlisle and Emmett were ready to intercede, though they weren't sure who they'd need to contain, or how they'd separate me from Bella.

Jasper tried his lethargy trick on me again, but it only succeeded in freezing me in place. _Calm down, Edward, you don't want to hurt Bella, do you?_

My anger subsided slightly, for the moment.

Bella shattered my fragile grip on control with a single word. "Carlisle?"

NO! Not now…not HIM! I roughly latched onto Bella's chin, forcing her to look at me. My other hand came up, a shield between her and Carlisle.

"EDWARD, be careful!" Esme said in a high-pitched hiss.

Wisely, my father didn't move. _No harm will come to her, Edward, I promise._ He'd committed to his decision, though, and gave Bella exactly what she wanted. "I'm able to do it. You would be in no danger of me losing control." He tried to assure me that his decision was based in love, but the image in Alice's head drowned out his placations.

_Carlisle lifted his face from Bella's throat, and whispered, "Just breathe, Bella." She screamed in response, begging him to finish her._

My stomach clenched so hard that I barely resisted doubling over. The fact that my father, the man who swore he'd never turn another human, had agreed to infect the reason for my existence with his poison was a betrayal that left me nauseous. His assertion that it was because he loved me, because he loved _her_, was absurd. If he truly cared, he would let her live – help her to realize that the error in her judgment.

Unable to smile due to my grip on her face, Bella's eyes gleamed in victory. "Snds goord."

My teeth crashed together.

_I won't fight you, Edward, but it's her decision. When it's time, I'll help – both of you._

_Time_…my nemesis…or my friend? I needed time more than ever, to get control, to make her see. Rational thought slowly regained the upper hand in my mind. "Hold on. It doesn't have to be now."

More than a little relief colored Carlisle's thoughts. _True._

"Therez no reasn for it nt tah be nah," she mumbled, her jaw imprisoned in my hand. I relaxed my grip slightly.

"I can think of a few." I wasn't going to give up, not yet.

Her face twisted with disgust. "Of course you can. Now let go of me," she commanded.

I released her, folding my arms across my chest, keeping my hands captive. The white outline left on her cheek by my fingers turned to pink, marring her flawless face and turning my anger on its head. _Monsters – all of us…_

_Hot-headed emo jackass, _Emmett shot at me. _I didn't even turn the thing on._

I ignored him, narrowing my focus to the obstinate girl in front of me. "In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."

"All three of them," she retorted. But my argument struck home. The mention of the FBI had put her into a frenzy last spring, and she looked down now, wringing her hands. Had Carlisle considered the consequences she's overlooked?

Rosalie sighed. _I knew I shouldn't have unpacked._

"In the interest of remaining _inconspicuous_," I said, turning to my traitorous father, "I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie's house."

He tilted his head toward me but kept his eyes on her. "That's a reasonable request, Bella." _Emotions are running high for all of us, including Charlie._

I could see Bella wanted to argue, but her scrunched lips said she saw his logic all too clearly. "I'll consider it."

It wasn't much of a consolation, but I'd managed to stay her execution for a few months, at least.

_You won't talk her out of this, Edward – she's more stubborn than you are,_ Alice jibed.

I relaxed my face but steeled my resolve. _We'll see about that._

Seizing the change in momentum, I reached an arm out toward Bella. "I should probably take you home, just in case Charlie wakes up early."

A collective wave of relief filled the room.

"After graduation?" Bella stared Carlisle down, waiting for his promise.

"You have my word."

Suddenly Alice's vision turned white. The picture never fully formed, but I saw flowers, faces, a woman in a dress, all white. _Again?_ she thought. _But when?_

I couldn't question her, because a satisfied Bella took my arm. "Okay. You can take me home."

Without another word, I led her out of the house. Bella eagerly wrapped her arms around my neck, giggling when I unintentionally tickled her. She was flying on the wings of victory, thinking she'd secured the future she so desperately wanted. She would be harder to sway than ever. I had to think…there must be a way. _Was there anything she wanted more than to become a vampire?_

I mulled over the question as I ran, reordering the words, modifying the emphasis, but found nothing. She wanted to become a vampire even more than she wanted me, it seemed, considering her threat to return to Volterra. But she _did_ want me...that fact was undeniable.

Exactly _how much_ did she want me?

I modified my question once more. _Was there anything she wanted more than Carlisle to make her a vampire?_

Maybe.

My sullen mood lifted as we crossed the river once more. There was hope for her humanity yet.

* * *

_End Notes:_

_Busted! Thanks to porcelainpaleprincess for catching that Porsche is actually German! It's been fixed - thanks!  
_

_So now you know - Edward broke a 60" plasma TV that wasn't even available in the US yet (which is canon - per SM). I added my twist on it by making it Emmett's, but it seemed to fit. I imagine that Emmett made some deal that he'd translate the installation instructions into English in order to get the pre-market TV (and he'd make all those mistakes you see when you read translated instructions!). I also imagined that the TV must have been en route from Korea when Bella jumped off the cliff; Emmett somehow managed to stop the shipment in Seattle before it continued on to NY._

_Yeah, I think about crap like this...can you say obsessed?_

_Let me know what you think!_


	21. Proposal

_Author's Notes:_

_As always, I'm indebted to both NoMoreThanUsual and to Roo for their insightful comments (To Edward: "She means SEX with you, you moron." - Roo) and their keen eyes. Please check out both of their inspired works._

_A big thank you to porcelainpaleprincess for catching the error in the last chapter – Porsche is GERMAN! The line's been fixed – a hundred detail points for you!_

_Is this the end? NO. The Epilogue remains – will it be one or two chapters? I don't know – I haven't written it yet!_

_Thanks for all the reviews, recommendations, and tweets – if there was a contest for readers – you all would win!_

_Mood music for this almost ending chapter: Whatever It Takes, Lifehouse; Love Story, Taylor Swift

* * *

_

**Proposal**

The miles between us and the house dulled the mental murmurings of my family, but I caught the end of their discussion of the morning's events. Any optimism I might have imagined instantly evaporated.

"_Thanks, Carlisle, but I really believe he'll be the one to do it,"_ Alice said, trying to reconcile all the versions of Bella's change that she'd witnessed.

"_I hope you're wrong, Alice."_ The last insurgent thought came from my father. _It's not a burden he should have to shoulder. No matter how he feels about me, Edward deserves an eternity of happiness._

I caught a memory of my recent furious outburst, and an older one of an irate Rosalie.

"_How could you do this to me?" _Her remembered shriek morphed into the hoot of an owl before my mind was once again my own.

Bella was a warm feather on my back, her breathing slow and even, unaware of the tempest of emotion that boiled inside the cold shell she clung to so tightly. She must be lost in thought; her arms tightened and relaxed around my neck, even though my stride never changed. Without seeing her face, I had no clue as to where her mood, or her thoughts, lay.

Our family meeting had been a failure in so many ways. My behavior had been reprehensible – and counterproductive. I'd let my emotions control my actions, a rare happening in my long life. Though I'd like to attribute my lapse to my thirst, I knew that my outburst was more primal than that.

Bella hadn't been in mortal danger, and yet I'd not only lost my temper, but my civility. Spewing such vulgar curses at Carlisle, in front of four women I cared about, was unforgivable.

Carlisle. My father, my friend, my idol. The man who saw Bella's death as my redemption.

The rhythm of my fast strides filled the silence between the contractions of Bella's heart, each step carrying her farther away from her would-be executioner. The knee-jerk hatred lingered, though I suspected its focus was misplaced. It wasn't him I despised, it was myself.

Carlisle had never expressed regret in any form for changing any of us – even Rosalie. His remorse stemmed from the fact we, his children, hadn't been given a choice. Snatching us from death's grasp, he truly believed he was saving us, not stealing the only chance we had at a true eternity in paradise. It was that sincere desire to help, not condemn, which allowed both Rosalie and me to forgive him for his rash actions.

By disclosing everything to Bella, both the infinity and the limits of immortal life, I'd removed that barrier. Because Carlisle believed that hers was an informed request, his conscience was clear. Mine, however, remained stained, seeing murder where he saw metamorphosis. No, I didn't hate him, I hated myself.

His offer included 'help' for me, in addition to the theft of Bella's humanity. I'd written off his comment as a weak apology for his betrayal, but in his last discernable thoughts I heard what was really behind his motives. As we'd raced away from the house, he'd hoped he could save me any more guilt.

Whether or not he believed her soul would survive her heartbeat, Carlisle had accepted that I believed it would not. He didn't want to burden me with the pain of having to commit the heinous act, choosing to incur my wrath instead. When I'd unleashed my irrational fury at him, he'd taken the insults in silence...in preparation. He was truly my father, ready to live with my hatred – to risk _Bella's_ hatred, I realized, should immortality not be to her liking – in order to give us eternity together.

And I wanted that eternity, craved it, more than anything else. Even if he were the one to effect her change, the death of her soul would always be on my hands. Could _I_ live with _that_?

I'd only witnessed Carlisle's administration of supernatural resurrection once, with Emmett. My own experience was distorted by fevered delirium and transitive amnesia, and he infected both Esme and Rosalie when I'd been absent, whether purposely or coincidentally, I didn't know. Emmett was different. Of our family at the time, only Esme hadn't witnessed the taking of his life.

From her knees, Rosalie had literally begged Carlisle to inflict upon Emmett the same tortured future she'd never wanted. Reluctantly he'd agreed, swearing to himself that this would be the last time. Rather than move toward Emmett's shredded body, he disappeared.

He returned moments later with a pitcher of water in his hands. Stopping short, he stared into the clear liquid.

"Rosalie, back away from him," Carlisle said without looking up. Inside, he sheared his being in two: freeing one small piece of his natural predatory instincts while pushing the rest even further away than usual. When he'd isolated that single thread of bloodlust, he brought the pitcher to his lips and drank every drop.

Rosalie and I both stared at him in shock.

"Edward, you may have to hold her back," he murmured, throwing the container aside and dropping to the ground next to Emmett. His stomach roiled against the invasion, but he ignored it. I watched as Carlisle's mouth filled with venom in the presence of a human – a first for me. He looked upon his victim with dispassionate blankness.

Without a word as he administered the fatal bites. Rosalie's thirsty thoughts drowned out his the moment he leaned over, and her struggles kept me distracted enough that I didn't give in to my own urge to join the murderous feast. Blood coated Carlisle's lips, his tongue, his hands, but he refused to swallow. He didn't deny the ecstasy the flavor elicited, savoring it as he licked the bite marks, sealing in the poison. Temptation's scream strengthened in his mind, but he spit it out with the mouthful of blood.

Emmett's shrieks chased Carlisle to the edge of the trees where he dropped to his knees again and retched. The water came back up as pure as it had gone in, washing away the blood and venom as he expelled it. While Rosalie continued to strain against me, Carlisle calmly rose, his honeyed eyes lacking the thirsty lust any longer. The healer had returned, his inner monster safely banished.

In three months he would perform the same ritual on Bella. Suddenly _I_ felt the need to vomit.

_Was there anything Bella wanted more than Carlisle to make her a vampire?_

Shame, anger, joy, lust, relief, fear, and love...the emotional roulette I rode stopped this time on dread.

Though she'd asked others, I suspected – hoped? – that what she wanted most was for me to do the atrocious honors. Whether it was Bella's romanticized view of what I was, or some misconceived notion of a venomous bond between victim and murderer, I was the one she'd beseeched countless times. Nothing could be further from the truth. My poisoning Bella would be a desecration of the love I had for her, not manifestation of its permanence.

Yet Alice had shown me I was capable of the act – I hadn't just prevented my sister from administering the fatal bite, I'd replaced her honed incisors with my own. Did she see me interrupting Carlisle mid-mauling as well? Swallowing back dry heaves, I had my answer.

If Bella was going to hate anyone, it would be me.

Bella...her steamy exhalations formed a comet's trail of sweet enticement behind us. Nothing else compared; not the flora, the gathering storm, definitely not the fresh scent of blacktail deer crossing our path. As unappetizing as the creatures were, knowing such easy prey was nearby caused my mouth to water for the first time in weeks. Somehow I'd have to tear myself away from Bella long enough to hunt.

If she were a vampire, she could hunt with me...

My imagination ran wild in those seconds. She'd race through the night by my side, rather than ride on my back. Her keen human ability to observe others would be heightened even further as an immortal, making her an adept predator, I predicted. A beautiful, intelligent, unstoppable huntress. My partner and competitor; my mate. A woman with desires that only I would satisfy...

With a deep breath, I mentally shook myself. My version of heaven was nothing compared to what she'd be giving up. I couldn't let my selfishness deny her the paradise her perfect soul deserved.

I didn't hesitate when we reached her house. Charlie was still sound asleep, the house seeming to expand and contract with each of his grinding snores as I snaked through Bella's window. Once on her bed, she quickly slipped out of her shoes and sweater and burrowed under the quilt.

Unable to stop moving, I paced, stepping on the squeaky board that secreted Bella's birthday gifts. She'd thrown a fit over receiving such innocuous items. There was one gift she'd accept from me with open arms...and neck bared.

No, not a gift, a _trade_. What would she give me in exchange for death?

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work." She sounded tired...or bored.

"Shh. I'm thinking."

She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. I should've felt guilty for snapping at her, but saving her soul took precedence over manners.

Nothing could possibly equate with the theft of her eternal paradise, but if I had more time...

_Time_. If she could see what she was missing...college, her family, adulthood...maybe she'd at least comprehend how hard being a perpetual teenager was. Taking Driver's Ed eleven times was just one facet of the hell I endured.

"Ugh!" As if seeing my tormented experiences, Bella buried herself under the covers. I was by her side in an instant, lifting the shroud from her pouting face.

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now…" I fingered her hair, preventing the silky curtain from hiding her from me again.

Time to test my theory. "Tell me something."

"What?" she asked with a heavy sigh.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"

"You," she said warily.

Flattering, but not specific enough. "Something you don't already have."

If my guess was right, I would be putting everything on the line. _All in,_ they would say in Las Vegas.

Her eyes narrowed, then wandered across my face. I showed her nothing but patience.

"I would want…" she picked at her lower lip with her fingers, "...Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want _you _to change me." She carefully laid her hand on my chest and hunched her shoulders like she was bracing for an impact.

Bella only feared my rebuke, but seeing her cringe in my arms chilled me to the bone.

"What would you be willing to trade for that?" I asked quietly.

I might as well have locked lips with Mike Newton in the middle of the lunch room by her shocked expression.

"Anything," she barked.

I knew _that_ wasn't true, and smiled. To borrow from Charlie's vernacular, the hook was set, now I had to reel her in. Knowing my first bid would be rejected out of hand, I went as high as I could without sounding flippant. "Five years?"

Green tinged her soft cheeks.

"You said anything," I prodded.

"Yes, but… you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human – for me, at least. So, anything but _that_."

I pictured Carlisle leaning over her, just weeks from now. "Three years?"

"No!" she cried, then clamped her mouth shut.

A garbled "deeper water" came from the bedroom across the hall.

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?"

At first I'd thought I'd misjudged her, that it didn't matter who infected her, but when she clenched her jaw, then put on the smooth, emotionless mask she'd practiced, I knew. She _did_ want me to be the one to poison her – and perversely, that knowledge thrilled me. Apparently Bella wasn't the only one capable of imbuing murder with romance.

Her lips puckered as she calculated her counter offer. "Six months."

Yes, she wanted this badly. But I was the more experienced poker player. I rolled my eyes. "Not good enough."

"One year, then. That's my limit."

Really? "At least give me two."

"No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere _near _twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I."

One year. It wasn't enough to show her all she was giving up. The fleeting vision Alice had seen before we left the house returned. White people...white dress...white _wedding_? I didn't need my sister to see that fantastic future; I'd dreamed my own version up months ago.

_Bella stood at the end of the runner, bathed in the purest white, clutching Charlie's arm. Strains of music filled the air, along with gentle sighs as the crowd rose. Carefully she stepped forward, steadying herself on father's arm._

_I couldn't see exactly what she wore or how her hair was styled. Her candy-apple lips caught the light, reflecting the flame of a single candle back to me. Self-consciously she moistened them, the tip of her tongue peeking out. Jealous, my lips parted, less than satisfied when all they felt was air whistling past as I sucked in a breath._

_The roses in her cheeks bloomed with her coy smile, recognizing the power she had over me, both mind and body._

"_Till death do us part," she whispered._

The imagined scene would repulse Bella: the pageantry, the attention, the very institution of marriage epitomized everything she loathed...and defined the metaphorical infinity I fantasized sharing with her. No other promise or vow carried the weight that of the simple phrase "I do."

As much as she yearned for me to doom her with immortality, I hungered for her hand in marriage. The question was, did she hate the idea of wedlock as much as I despised infecting her with eternal damnation? If so, I'd found the perfect requirement. If not, we'd both get what we wanted – but was her hand worth her soul?

Seeing only determination in Bella's undiluted eyes, and hearing nothing but silence from her intelligent mind, pitting my greatest desire against hers was a gamble. Trusting that Bella's stubbornness was still intact, I laid all my self-serving cards on the table. _Call,_ I thought.

"All right. Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one – then you'll just have to meet one condition."

"Condition? What condition?" There was no curiosity in the question.

I considered dropping to one knee, but since I wasn't asking, it didn't seem appropriate. "Marry me first."

She didn't even blink, and for one heartrending moment I thought she was seriously considering my offer.

"Okay. What's the punch line?" she said, brushing off my proposal like a loose piece of lint.

Her indifference stung, but she hadn't flat out denied me. "You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke."

"Edward, please be serious."

She thought I was bluffing. "I am one hundred percent serious." Without blinking I lost myself in her worried eyes, forgetting for the moment that my true motives were not matrimony, but Bella's survival.

The blood drained from her cheeks. "Oh, c'mon, I'm only eighteen," she squeaked.

First she worried about getting old, now she was too young? Two could play the age game. "Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."

Her eyes darted around frantically, finding an escape route in the blackness peering in through the window. "Look," her voice cracked, "marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Renée and Charlie."

As it would be for her. "Interesting choice of words."

"You know what I mean."

Actually, I wasn't sure I did. Maybe I'd overestimated her desire for _me_ to take her life, her soul. "Please don't tell me that you're afraid of the commitment."

"That's not it exactly. I'm…" she scrambled for words, "...afraid of Renée. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."

Thirty? Was it only minutes ago I'd stunned her citing the same milestone? Comparing Renée to the Volturi drew a droll chuckle out of me.

"Because she'd rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married."

"You think you're joking."

"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire…" Using matrimony as deterrent – was there no depth to which I would sink? "If you're not brave enough to marry me, then –"

"Well, what if I did?" she interjected. "What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?"

I didn't hide that I saw through her bluff, and she rolled her eyes. "Sure, I'll get my car."

"Dammit. I'll give you eighteen months."

"No deal. I like _this _condition." My grin widened. Thirty...would she last that long?

"Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate." Her threat lacked some of its previous gusto, though. She wanted me, and yet she didn't.

An able Mephistopheles, I continued to taunt her with this ridiculously backwards Faustian bargain. We both would benefit from time with a good psychiatrist.

"If that's what you really want."

My Cheshire cat smile reflected in her pupils. "You're impossible. A monster." She tried to sound menacing, but her sneer came out as a purr.

"Is that why you won't marry me?" I laughed...and was rewarded with another angry rumble.

All teasing aside, I tried another tactic – one much closer to the way I'd intended to propose to Bella.

Forgetting that I really didn't want a 'yes' from her, I leaned in close and exhaled slowly, letting my scent fill the small gap between us. Drawing on every coercive trick I knew, I peered into her face, my eyes wide and trusting.

"_Please_, Bella?" I begged.

Her breathing stopped abruptly, though her heart crashed in her chest. She lay frozen in my arms, entranced to the point of speechlessness. I'd ruthlessly captured an angel, and had no intention of ever letting her go. A monster, indeed.

With two long blinks, she shook off my spell. There would be no 'yes' for me tonight. Would there ever?

"Would this have gone better if I'd had time to get a ring?" I asked, only half-humorously.

The air whistled through her lips with her gasp. "No! No rings!" she screeched.

Bella clamped her lips shut, but the damage had been done. The snoring in the next room ended with a sharp cough. "Bella?" Charlie mumbled.

I frowned. "Now you've done it."

"Oops."

"Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave." But I didn't move.

Bella's heart became as silent as mine, sending an icy chill through me. Time...she needed time to trust me.

"Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?" _Again?_

The color returned to her face. "No. Stay. Please," she pleaded.

Always.

I slipped back into the closet, leaving the door cracked open. Charlie dragged himself out of bed, continuing to murmur to himself, as if he couldn't hear his thoughts any better than I could.

"Will she ever stop having these nightmares?" _Edward...bastard...heartless. _He stumbled to the door.

Unaware of her father's justified grumbling, Bella smiled briefly as she repositioned herself on the bed. Her expression changed as she tucked the blanket under her chin. She fiddled with her hair as she waited, her mouth drawing up in a pucker. Frustration...I guessed...colored her thoughts, but suddenly she mouthed something and poked her tongue at the ceiling.

What could she possibly be thinking?

A sliver of light crept across the floor and onto Bella's bed when Charlie opened her door.

Bella immediately rolled toward him. "Morning, Dad."

Charlie jumped. "Oh, hey, Bella. I didn't know you were awake."

"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower." She pushed the covers back.

"Hold on." Charlie turned on the light, forcing Bella to stop and shade her eyes. "Let's talk for a minute first."

She scowled, her eyes wandering the room, but avoiding the closet. Alice never had seen what excuse Bella would contrive – I should have pressed her when I had the chance.

Charlie squinted at his daughter. "You know you're in trouble."

"Yeah, I know."

He shuffled his feet, recalling the speech he'd been mulling over for hours. "I just about went crazy these last three days. I come home from Harry's _funeral_, and you're gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble." In his mind, I caught a flash of the werewolf's face, his mouth clamped tightly shut. Charlie was almost as mad at the Blacks as he was at me, and directed the emotion at Bella.

"You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when—or if – you were coming back. Do you have any idea how… how…" The sight of Bella's regret-filled eyes nearly broke him. It only took the remembrance of Bella's limp body draped across my arms to rekindle his fury. "Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?"

Without knowing the true dangers Bella faced, Charlie inadvertently stumbled across the most appropriate course of action. Sunny Florida was probably the safest place for her.

Lip curled and eyes tight, Bella fisted the quilt around her and sat up. "Because I won't go."

"Now just one minute, young lady –" My hiding place didn't afford me a view of Charlie's face, but his ear was bright red.

"Look, Dad, I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too—but that won't make me to go to Florida."

Sucking the air in and out through his teeth, Charlie's anger peaked. He would never kick Bella out – even his threat to force her to go back to her mother was empty. But he was hurt and frustrated, and just wanted to understand. _Why? Where? What did I do wrong?_ He boiled all his questions into a single, loaded inquiry.

"Would you like to explain where you've been?"

Bella became a statue, caught completely off guard. No wonder Alice hadn't seen anything – Bella had no idea what to say.

"There was…an emergency." She sounded like a leaky balloon when she exhaled.

_Quit stalling,_ Charlie thought.

"I don't know what to tell you, Dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand."

Her eyes were wide, begging for belief, but reflected in her pupils was Charlie's grim face.

"See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff…"

Charlie's mouth dropped open, and his heart lurched loudly. Apparently he hadn't been privy to Bella's adrenaline-inducing pastimes either.

"I guess I didn't tell you about that," Bella croaked.

Charlie didn't move.

She stumbled through her explanation, trying to downplay how close she'd come to ending her life, but the damage was done. Charlie didn't pay any attention to her thinly woven tale of miscommunication, nor did he take notice of her hastily contrived lie about where she'd been.

No, the only thing Charlie heard after "jumping off the cliff" was "kill myself." His mind filled with blurry images of a Bella I'd never seen – an angry, destructive girl throwing clothes and shoes and books at the walls, at the door, at him. Then a crying Bella, unseen, wailing behind her bedroom door, while he sobbed quietly on the other side.

Finally, an almost mechanical Bella, taking out her trash. _"Are you feeling better?"_ he asked, seeing shards of a dozen CDs in the plastic container. The scratches on her hands and arms didn't miss his attention, either.

She didn't speak, but nodded once before disappearing out the back door. He'd feared then that Bella might have injured herself on purpose, and had watched her vigilantly for months.

_She was getting better,_ he thought, going back over the last few days, looking for the warning signs of suicide. _Why did she do such a thing?_

He blamed himself for spending too much time tending his friend's widow, for not being there when Bella needed him.

In the confines of the closet, I suffered with him. His greatest fear, as was mine, was losing Bella. Her running away paled in comparison to what he truly suspected.

All the blood drained from Charlie's face, I guessed; his neck and ear whitened.

"_Were _you trying to kill yourself, Bella?" he whispered. He visualized his daughter standing high above the ocean, her eyes blood-shot, her expression blank as she stepped off the edge. It was an expression with which he was very familiar.

"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like I said, nothing."

He didn't really believe her.

I'd seen what really happened – Bella's joyful scream and energetic leap off the precipice – and I now knew exactly why she'd done it. I'd literally driven her over the edge. Far from suicide, her near-drowning was really attempted murder on my part.

Guilt gave way to hatred as Charlie came to the same conclusion. "What's it to Edward Cullen anyway? All this time, he's just left you dangling without a word –"

Bella ignored the way he spit my name at her, keeping her voice deceptively calm. "Another misunderstanding."

Her propensity for understatement paralleled her altruism. I deserved neither, especially after our 'misunderstanding.' She should share Charlie's growing disgust.

"So is he back then?" he growled.

Bella looked genuinely uncertain. "I'm not sure what the exact plan is. I _think _they all are."

Her stinging distrust sliced deeper than any of Charlie's barbs ever could. While my chest emptied, his could barely contain his hyperactive heart. "I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you." In his mind, bars appeared over her window, causing me to wonder if he might be the source of Bella's razor-sharp perception as well as her muted thoughts. "I won't let him mess you up like that again."

"Fine," she bit back, shocking Charlie. Her stern tone signaled that she wasn't complying. I'd received the same scathing tongue lashing when she'd informed me that a midnight ballot was required to solidify her future.

Charlie didn't hear the defiance, though. "Oh." The air exploded out of his lungs. "I thought you were going to be difficult."

"I am. I meant, 'Fine, I'll move out.'" Though I still considered Bella as dangerous as a frustrated kitten, I knew firsthand that she had needle-like teeth under her tissue-paper exterior.

She sank her teeth into Charlie this time. Every inch of skin...his neck, his hands, his bare ankles...pulsed with unarticulated shock. Palpitations made his heart stutter, and I'd searched both pockets of my slacks before I realized my phone was probably a Brazilian child's toy by now. Alice must have seen this...was Carlisle on his way here already?

Bella reached a hand toward her father, her determination darkened with concern. "Dad, I don't _want _to move out," she said in a more conciliatory tone. "I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this."

She must have seen something in her father's face that convinced her he wasn't about to collapse, because she raised her chin almost imperceptibly, her sparkling eyes radiating conviction. "And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?"

He shook his head. "That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay." Living without Bella had as little appeal for Charlie as it did for me.

"Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am."

I smiled to myself. In a wink, Bella had taken control of the conversation. The reversal of roles had been quick and seamless. She was now the parent scolding Charlie, carefully wording her argument to prevent a likely life-threatening a tantrum.

His retort was appropriately juvenile. "Not under my roof!" Cringing internally, he visualized Bella in my arms, but when I leaned down to kiss her, suddenly the image switched to a swirl of worms, hooks, and reels. His defense mechanism, I realized. If he didn't imagine it, maybe it wouldn't happen. According to his logic, he didn't hear the tree fall, therefore it didn't.

Bella adjusted the quilt around her with a lamenting sigh. "Look, I'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight—or I guess it's this morning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."

"Bella –"

"Think it over." Stubborn as ever, she fingered her hair again, catching and covertly hiding a pine needle that had nested above her ear. "And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I _really _need a shower."

And with that, Bella effectively slammed the door in her father's face.

Fuming, unable to say anything civil, Charlie pounded out of the room. The anticlimactic crash of the door spoke for him.

Rather than going to Bella, I sat in the chair across the room, selfishly wishing she'd pounce on me like she had once upon a time.

She didn't spare a glance at the still-rattling door, concentrating instead on freeing herself from the bed sheets. Rising, she frowned in my direction.

"Sorry about that."

She apologized for what continued to be my fault, ignoring the latest wall I'd constructed between her and her father. "It's not as if I don't deserve far worse. Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please."

Dishes clattered on the counter as Charlie fixed himself breakfast in the dark, grumbling about who was in charge in this house.

"Don't worry about it. I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that." She kept her voice to a whisper while she collected her outfit for the day. "Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?" She stared at me with patently false anxiety.

I didn't have it in me to laugh. "You'd move in with a house full of vampires?"

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides," an impudent smile filled her face, "if Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?"

Immortality or me? Clearly, that question had been answered. "So eager for eternal damnation," I said, defeated.

"You know you don't really believe that."

"Oh, don't I?" I snapped. Everything came back to the death of her soul – and how fast she could achieve it.

"No. You don't." She didn't allow me to argue, holding up a single finger when my mouth opened.

"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't." The sly grin returned. "You said '_Amazing. Carlisle was right.' _There's hope in you, after all."

As always, her citation was word perfect. As for her conclusion...

I wanted to argue, _of course I had no soul_ – but my own words betrayed me.

_Carlisle was right._

At the end, in the moment that I truly believed I'd...died...I _had_ embraced Carlisle's unrealistic belief. I had believed I'd found heaven, that a piece of me – my soul? – had survived death and rejoined her.

No...it'd just been an hallucination! But the heat radiating off Bella's body contradicted me. She was just as real now as she was then – why _didn't_ I realize she was alive the second she touched me? I'd even joked about my thirst being unsatisfied in heaven!

All I could do was stare at her, my mouth halfway open. Bella had seen in me things I'd refused to recognize in myself. And if I didn't lose her soul...if hers _wasn't_ at risk...if I were to do the unthinkable...

I didn't let myself recognize the emotion that the tiny word instilled in me...but she did.

Bella didn't laugh, didn't chide, but said softly, "So let's both just be hopeful, all right?" She snagged her hairbrush off the dresser and added it to the pile in her arms. "Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven."

I couldn't agree more. Soul or not, Bella was, and would always be, my heaven. The hope she'd found in me drew me to my feet and cradled her face in my hands.

One way or another, we'd always be together. "Forever," I whispered, stunned by the ease at which the word fell from my lips.

With sparkling eyes and a loving smile, she rose toward me, her gaze never leaving mine. "That's all I'm asking for," she breathed, accepting my promise with the sweetest of kisses.

Forever.


	22. Postlude: Aftermath

_Author's Notes:_

_**post·lude**__ (pōst'lōōd') n. 1. Music: An organ voluntary played at the end of a church service. A concluding piece. 2. __**A final chapter or phase.**_

_This chapter is another dalliance behind the scenes of New Moon. Though the transition back to 'normal' life for Bella was mentioned in the Epilogue, this is more like an extra chapter...hence Postlude. Chronologically, it picks up right after the previous chapter, and only covers a single day. Hopefully you'll enjoy this slightly less angsty Edward!_

_Oh, and read fast – the Epilogue, entitled 'Bad Blood,' is in the chute. I'm hoping to post it by Monday!_

_As always thanks to my betas, NoMoreThanUsual and StruckUponAStar. They keep Edward, well, Edward on those days when he gets petulant!_

_One last note...if you'd like to try something a little...darker...check out the collaboration I wrote with the wonderful Goldenmeadow (under the pen name SinisterSisterhood): www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/5460657/1/The_Bride_of_Edward_Cullen It's neither canon nor PG-13, so if you like your chocolate dark and your steak bloody, you might enjoy this angry, vengeful Bella we've created. We wrote it for Les Femmes Noires contest, so be prepared for Kill Bill meets Breaking Dawn. All the entries are posted at www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/u/2043851/Les_Femmes_Noires Voting starts November 30__th__._

_Hope you enjoy 'normal' Edward... 8-D_

_Mood Music: My Boyfriend's Back by Melissa Manchester; Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls

* * *

_

Postlude: AftermathBella pranced off to the bathroom humming some unrecognizable tune. The musical ended with the hair-raising crunch of flesh against wood and a grunted "Ow!" Her toes against the doorframe, I guessed.

She didn't make a sound for an infuriating second, and I'd reached for the doorknob when I heard her laugh. Not a chuckle, but a loud, full, belly laugh that grew when she turned on the water. The last of her laughter was punctuated by a very unladylike, yet completely uninhibited, snort.

As tangible as a hug, her happiness brought an easy smile to my lips. Not even the guilt of having robbed her of such a simple pleasure could extinguish the corresponding chuckle fighting its way out of my chest.

"If only," she said with one final guffaw.

The humming resumed, and I was left to occupy myself in her vacant room. No music, no books, no photos...her life had been as empty as mine had. I easily recalled a list of the missing CDs and made plans to replace them when the opportunity presented itself.

But there _was_ one CD left.

I knelt next to the bed and lifted the floorboard hiding Bella's missing possessions. The amount of dust blanketing the small stack was surprisingly thin and easily blown away. Unable to bring myself to look at the photos which detailed my misguided separation from Bella, I set the stack on her desk, placing the unlabelled CD on top. Would she listen to it, or did it hold frightening memories for her now?

A different woman's words interrupted my regretful ponderings.

_Edward._ _There's a small herd eating the hydrangeas two doors down. I'll drive them past you into the forest. _Esme's thoughts rang nearly as melodically as her voice over the gurgling spray of Bella's shower. _When was the last time you hunted?_

The vacuous ache in my stomach answered her. _Too long._ I couldn't go, though. Bella was expecting me to stay...

_Don't make me ground you,_ Esme added, though I knew she'd never follow through on her threat. She had an accomplice who would, though.

My mother's concern was joined by another telepathic scolding.

_If you don't feed, things will get ugly at school today, Edward. _Alice's warning came with the bloody image of Mike Newton's inside-out face.

Rubbing my knuckles fondly, I savored the possibility of taking out my self-loathing on the ignorant human, but a single, relaxed exhalation from the bathroom erased my violent fantasy. In one contented breath, Bella reasserted herself as the center of my being, reminding me how my polluted spirit only burdened hers.

Here I was contemplating murder, when I was supposed to be trying to re-earn her trust. I took a painful step toward the window, forcing myself to do the responsible thing. A smattering of hoof beats and crackling branches rippled through the trees, kindling the thirsty burn I'd ignored for so long.

It wouldn't take long to quench the fire...but there were other threats to Bella's safety. I couldn't leave her unprotected.

_You'll be back before she's finished,_ Alice promised, seeing Newton's reprieve in light of my tenuous decision. _I'll keep watch over her. Go._

Leaping to the ground, I couldn't ignore the ripping stings that regret lashed into me as I ran. Of all the reasons to apologize for the hideous creature I was, it was the necessity of having to leave Bella for such a trivial task that gnawed at me. Instead of dwelling on my many, many shortcomings, I set my sights on what could only be described as fast food running ahead of me.

I'd intended to make quick work of my meal, but the earthy scent of blood and the deep timpani of the buck's fear-driven pulse loosed my long-imprisoned predatory nature. When the bobbing midnight tail came into view, I threw off the façade of humanity and dropped into a crouch. Freed of all restraint, I pawed at the dirt before diving like a rabid dog face first onto the mass of fur.

Torrid, tasteless gulps ended the buck's life while his hooves skittered uselessly against the mossy ground. Sucking the last drops of heated goodness from the lifeless carcass, I threw it aside. The few pints only whetted my desiccated appetite. A frustrated rumble rolled from my impatient stomach and emerged as a gnarled bellow.

_More!_ I pointed my nose toward the clouds and filled my lungs with the damp air. Like a beacon, another bloody scent called to me. My feet automatically answered the invitation.

_This way,_ a female voice whispered, drawing another jealous growl from my throat. I searched the forest around me for the other hunter. No one was going to steal my prey!

I glimpsed the other predator snaking through the trees, corralling the remaining deer. Seeing me, she turned on her heel and ran, her auburn hair flying behind her. _These are for you, Edward._

Seizing my advantage, I jumped from one animal to the next, snapping their necks and dragging them into a heap next to a huge cedar. Keeping an eye out for my competitor's return, I feasted, draining the bodies one by one. It wasn't until the last was empty and the sanguineous warmth had reached my fingertips that I found sanity again.

Esme, the woman I'd wrongly seen as a threat, stepped slowly into the clearing to find me hovering over the macabre pile like a child hoarding his favorite toys. She stopped.

"Alice said there was another herd converging on the river. Would you like me to..."

"No," I interrupted, regaining my composure. "No, Esme, that won't be necessary." Embarrassed at my ridiculously messy manners, I straightened up and removed my bloodied and torn shirt. Blood didn't cling to my impermeable skin, and it only took a couple of swipes to eradicate the last traces of my savage meal.

"Satisfying?" Esme asked, still evaluating my mental stability.

I ran a hand through my hair. "Yes. Thanks, Mom." The sour taste of my herbivorous victims lingered on my tongue, but the fire in my throat had been reduced to a manageable simmer. I smiled, proving that the monster in me had been tamed. The glut of blood brought me peace...a stranger whose return I welcomed.

"My pleasure." Her anxiety evaporated and she brushed my shoulder when she walked to the huge incense cedar. Wrapping her arms around the trunk, she effortlessly uprooted it. I tossed the bodies beneath, and she resettled the tree, realigning the broken roots and crushing the evidence of my feasting.

Taking my arm, she led me through the forest. _It's good to see you get your color back,_ she thought.

I lifted her hand, comparing my bleached skin to hers with a raised eyebrow.

"Your _eyes_," she retorted. She almost pushed me away in fun, but instead squeezed my hand tighter. _I'm so glad you're home._

"Mom..." I started, but found myself at a loss for words. Her unconditional love in the face of everything I'd done overwhelmed me.

We stopped, and she turned to me. "I know." With shining eyes, she showered me with forgiveness and acceptance, promising silently that she'd always be there for me. "And he knows, too."

I could see in her mind the tormented state in which I'd left Carlisle when I'd rushed Bella away. He hadn't accompanied Esme for fear that his presence would only infuriate me.

"The things I said...please tell him I regret my outburst. It was inexcusable."

"No, not inexcusable. Understandable. We've all felt as you did at one time or another – for our mates, and even for Bella." Like a photograph, she showed me a still portrait of Bella and me dressed in our Prom best. The walking cast seemed to grow in size as Esme remembered it. "He was so proud of you for saving her. You did the one thing you'd sworn you'd never do – and in that moment of sacrifice gave her the life she deserved. Can you see how he's trying to do exactly the same thing?"

While I could see the dichotomy Carlisle struggled with, what he was sacrificing wasn't as clear. Dignity? Principles?

Esme tried again, desperate for me to understand and forgive.

"Carlisle has been second-guessing all his decisions regarding you ever since you said goodbye on that logging road – decisions going all the way back to when he first met you. You know that self-determination is something he holds as highly as the sanctity of human life. You may have been lingering on the edge of death, but he knows he robbed you of the right to choose when he changed you, and he's been trying to rectify that error ever since."

"There's no need – he knows I don't hold him responsible." For a while, I did, though, and Esme sighed, remembering how I'd spit in Carlisle's face the night I'd left to embrace what I'd believed he'd forced upon me.

"_You made me this way, and I'm not going to fight the bloodlust any longer!" _I'd screamed.

Then as now, she didn't offer any rebuke. "Perhaps. But it's that paradox – Bella's right to choose versus her right to live...and die – that's called his judgment into question."

Carlisle's moral compass seemed to point pretty clearly in one direction just hours ago. I doubted that Bella was the only one affecting his decision-making process, though my influence had clearly diminished. One other opinion weighed heavily on the scales of Carlisle's conscience.

"Alice..."

"Has nothing to do with the dilemma facing both you and him," Esme said firmly. She remembered Carlisle and Alice arguing the dependability of her visions on many occasions, and his assertion that the smallest change could affect the strongest of her visions. "Edward, we don't need a preview of the future to see that you and Bella are two sides of the same being; that you _must_ be together." She paused, then locked her sunflower eyes on mine. "The question is, who is to choose whether you and Bella are joined by immortality, or by death?"

I rolled my rag of a shirt around in my hands, slowly ripping it to shreds, just as her concise evaluation of our impasse tore at my insides. "Carlisle said it was between Bella and me."

"Yes. And we've seen how well that's worked out."

Her bluntness hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I don't mean to be petty, but you've tried to make the decision for her. Putting her humanity above her ability to decide her own path has already cost you both." While Esme would accept Bella as a daughter in any case, she worried about what kind of life I'd have, constantly trying to protect my breakable, infect-able, danger-attracting mate.

I rubbed my eyes, hearing Bella's observation ring through my mental ears. _"You said, 'Amazing. Carlisle was right.'"_

"Your father isn't punishing you," Esme said softly. "He's only trying to do what's right. For you, and for Bella." _We only want you to be happy._

"Would you believe me if I said that I knew that?" I looked into my mother's eyes, resolute.

"_There's hope in you after all," _Bella had said. Was there a happy ending in store for us?

Far from dazzled, Esme smiled, but with her lips only. "Yes, I believe you. It's your father you have to convince." That look – the glare that only a mother can give to her child – told me I wouldn't be completely off the hook until I'd apologized to him.

"I'll talk to him."

_I'll hold you to that._ She gave me a quick peck on the cheek and pulled me forward.

The closer we got to the slowly waking neighborhood, the harder it was for me to maintain a steady pace. Like it was electrically charged, my bare skin tingled, anticipating Bella's touch. Esme laughed when I sped up.

Alice met us at a fallen log only yards from the house. She didn't look up as we approached; she was concentrating hard on an image of our garage. The ghostly image of a 911 appeared and then vanished in one of the unoccupied spaces. "Are you toying with my car?" she asked.

I considered ordering the car in exchange for having Alice replace Bella's CD collection, and the vision became solid. No, that was too trivial. The car vanished, and Alice groaned.

With a laugh that felt more and more natural, I tweaked her ear. "Sorry, Sis."

Shoving me in return, she said, "You look pretty lively for an undead guy." She pursed lips, trying to hide her smile.

"Thanks, Emmett." Imitating her, I stuck my tongue out before accepting the bundle of clothing she offered.

"The good news is that you won't be committing murder today. Rose, especially, will be pleased to hear that." _You know how she hates leaving on the run._ Unable to stay still, Alice rocked back and forth. _Charlie's going to forgive me this afternoon._

"Really? Will he forgive Bella, too?" I didn't bother to ask about me; the man should hate me.

"Oh, he's already forgiven her. But she's going to be spending a lot of time at home from now on."

"I already guessed that."

Esme released me and pointed at Alice and then toward home. "We should go. Sounds like Bella's almost finished." We all heard the water cease and the _zing_ of the shower curtain. "You know that Charlie loves her as much as you do, Edward, and is trying to do what is best for her." For a split second, she worried for Charlie's safety.

"I know. I just wish she didn't have to suffer for my mistakes."

"Her suffering is finally _over_, now that you're back together," Alice said. _Meet you around the corner after Bella leaves._ She sped away, trying to deduce what action would guarantee the early delivery of her new car.

"But one last thing." Esme caught my hand, laying her palm over mine. "Don't lose this one," she growled and placed a new cell phone in my open hand. She sounded just like every other human parent of an absent minded teen. _Have a good day,_ she added, before following Alice into the thick foliage.

Faster than Superman could say 'kryptonite,' I changed out of my soiled clothes. I was lounging in Bella's rocking chair by the time she opened her bedroom door.

The scent of her damp hair and skin brought a different hunger to life, and I rose, collecting her in my arms as the door clicked shut. She'd selected my favorite blue blouse, demonstrating again how much she welcomed my presence.

"Good morning," she said, a giggle lurking behind her greeting.

"Indeed," I murmured against her fiery lips. Her heart pounded out a staccato rhythm that skipped and jumped as we kissed.

Her lips, so luscious, pressed against mine, frolicking, teasing, begging. Barely containing my longing, I smoothed her hair over her ear, letting my lips trail away from her mouth and across her jaw.

"Your skin is indescribable," I said, my lips never leaving Bella's delicate face. Easing her head back, I found her throat, the source of her ecstasy inducing flavor, and gently traced her fluttering carotid with the tip of my nose.

Her fingers explored my face, velvet caresses over my unyielding shell.

The fire didn't gather in my throat, but lower, as I kissed a particularly delectable spot below her ear. She gasped, her high-pitched inhalation as enticing as her scent. She grabbed at my shirt when my lips dipped lower...to her neck...her shoulder...

"Edward," she breathed, the word warming my ear before dancing through my hair.

Charlie's clomping boots brought our embrace to an end just as Bella began to test my carnal limits.

"You finished in the bathroom?" came from behind the door. I barely stifled my laugh.

With a nearly inaudible and very guilty "Yeah...Yes. It's all yours," Bella loosened her grip on me and poked her chin at the closet.

I shook my head. Charlie had no intention of coming in her room. He was saving his next attempt at parenting for more neutral territory.

The bathroom door creaked shut, and I smiled. Bella's lips curled up too, but as she stared into my eyes, hers widened with fear.

With a halting breath, she brought a finger to my temple. "Your eyes..." she whispered.

My eyes...of course she'd notice the vivid change in my irises.

"The deer were decimating Mrs. Foley's flowers." Her sudden terror hit me like a sucker punch, stealing the ability to breathe. "What's wrong?"

Her lip trembling, she let her gaze drop lower, to my clean white shirt. "Oh. Of course."

Shocked and confused by her reaction, I scrambled to provide some kind of reassurance – and bring the smile back to her face. "You were never alone; Alice was just outside. She and Esme brought the clothes. We haven't found any trace of...anyone...around your house."

Setting her mouth, Bella took a deep breath through her nose. She turned her pale face away and laid her cheek against my chest. Whatever was troubling her, she was intent on hiding it.

"That was really nice of them," she finally said, her breathing slow and deliberate. "I didn't even know you were gone," she murmured. The ache in her voice cut through thin fabric and titanium skin to pierce my newly found heart.

It wasn't danger that troubled her, it was another poor decision on my part. I'd done it again...I'd left her. Though only for a moment, she'd seen my absence as another betrayal. Another abandonment.

I held her as tightly as I dared, pressing my lips into her hair.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I thought if I went while..."

"No, no. It's okay." She lifted her face to mine, trying to convince me with a stiff smile that I hadn't rubbed salt in her open wound. "I'm fine," she said with a little more conviction.

She refused to lay the blame where it belonged. "I shouldn't have left."

Bella shook her head. "Don't be ridiculous. You have to eat, and it's absurd to expect you to be my shadow. You can go home – you _should _go home. I'm sure your family misses you, too." She fingered the hair over my ear and took a deep breath. "It's not like you'd join me in the shower."

Finally a genuine smirk lit her face, and I forced an eye roll. She was trying to make light of my abuse of her trust. Would I ever learn?

"I won't do it again." I didn't know how I'd manage it, but I'd find away to stay near her, always. There had to be some source of animal blood I could tap; an under-the-table deal I could make with a slaughterhouse to have it shipped...

Bella laughed aloud at my grimace, then cupped my cheek in her warm hand. Coherent thought took flight and for once I was thankful my heart was still. The way water enhanced her fragrance would be enough to send it rocketing out of control – let alone the thought of seeing the drops dance over her bare skin.

"I'm just happy you're here, now," she said. "I'm looking forward to things getting back to normal."

_Normal_. As if the word could ever be applied to us! But I'd try anything for her, regardless.

"Would it have been better if I'd told you I was stepping out?" The word 'leaving' was officially banished from my vocabulary.

Her eyebrows crept together. "Probably not – this time. I don't know why it bothered me so much – you've always gone home to change in the morning. I just have to get used to the routine again," she said. Her sigh wasn't one of one of irritation, more of contentment.

"Routine...I like that," I whispered. "But I'll let you know, next time, all right?" I doubted I'd be able to leave if she expressed even a hint of distress, though.

"Okay."

We stood together, not talking, not kissing, just _together_, until Charlie finished up. With another sharp rap, he invited Bella down to eat.

She released me and reached for the door with a careful smile. "See, I'll be fine."

I caught her hand. "I'll stay here. Charlie's ready to go another round with you." Chief Swan had formulated his punishment, and was ready to dole it out in no uncertain terms.

"No, that's not necessary. I can handle him." With a big swallow she forced out the next words. "I'll meet you at school, okay?"

In a blur, I had her face cradled in my hands. "Are you sure?"

Her breathing stopped.

"Bella?"

She coughed and blinked furiously. "Yes, I'm sure." She kissed me quickly then opened the door. "Nice try, though."

"I won't be far," I promised for the second time in as many days. _I'd never be far away again._

Letting myself out the window, I secreted myself in the trees. From my vantage point, the brightly lit house stood out like a lonely TV in a dark room. Bella appeared, framed in the window as she plucked something from the refrigerator. "Can I make you some eggs, Dad?"

"I already ate," he said gruffly, clinging to his anger. His resolved wavered when Bella refilled his coffee cup, unbidden. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how much he'd missed her, but took a sip of the hot liquid instead. Protection took precedence over affection this morning.

Bella finished cooking and sat across from him, attacking her eggs with enthusiasm.

"Hungry today, huh?" Charlie asked. _She hasn't eaten like this in months._

"Yeah," she answered through a mouthful.

He watched her eat in silence, his fury coming to a head when he realized her gusto was rooted in my return.

Bella polished off the last of her breakfast and went to work on the stack of dishes next to the sink. With each plate and bowl, she chewed her lip a little harder. She looked outside – at the trees to my left – and took a deep breath. Did she suspect I was here?

Donning the blank look she'd mastered in my absence, she said, "I'll stop by the market on the way home, okay? Is there anything you'd like for dinner tonight?"

Deciding it was time to lay down the law, Charlie rose, pushing his chair back with a screech. "Whatever is fine. You can give me a list before you go to school. I'll grab what you need on my way home." He dunked his cup in the last of the soapy water.

Bella rinsed the mug and reached for a towel. "We won't eat until seven, then." Charlie hadn't changed his late-working ways. Until now.

"No, I'll be here when you get home from school." He scowled at the back of Bella's head, waiting.

She faltered, nearly dropping the dish in her hands. "We could just order in pizza then, and I'll go tomorrow."

"Same goes for tomorrow, young lady. As of now, you're grounded. No going out, no extracurricular activities." He made a note to check his accrued vacation, figuring he might have enough to take half days for most of the rest of the school year.

Bella frowned. "What about my job? Mrs. Newton is expecting me..."

"Except work. Nothing else." _You said you should be grounded._

Bella's lips turned white, but she didn't argue. "Is that it?"

Hitching up his belt, Charlie tried to make himself as large as possible. "Not quite. Edward will not be allowed in this house without appropriate supervision. If I'm not here, he's not here."

The thrice-dried dish crashed to the counter as his punishment finally hit home. "That's idiotic. Are you going to take off work early _every_ day? If you can't even trust me for a couple hours…" but she stopped. Through Charlie's eyes I saw her blanch. He didn't have to remind her that he'd only been gone a few hours the last time she'd disappeared.

Sitting back down heavily, Charlie looked up at his daughter. "What else can I do, Bella? You literally disappeared. I couldn't find any trace of you or the Cullens." _Nothing!_ "On top of coming back nearly unconscious, you tell me you've been jumping off cliffs when you _are_ here?" Helplessness filled his frustrated memories. _Was she like this with Renée and I just missed it?_ "Where were you, anyway?"

Grinding her teeth, Bella refused to face him. "I told you. Somewhere in LA. I'm not really sure where." She buried her face in the cabinet, loudly stacking plates.

"He couldn't bother with a simple phone call?"

Bella sighed, hissing like a flat tire. "He did call, Dad. _Jacob_ talked to him." The venom in her voice was eclipsed by the _I KNEW he was involved_ howling through Charlie's head.

"And with one word you race to him and do what? When you came home nearly comatose, I..." Charlie stopped, unable to articulate the conflicted feelings he experienced when he saw her limp form.

Bella slumped against the counter, contrite. "Sorry about that – I...didn't get much sleep while I was gone."

Charlie let his head drop into his hands, not wanting to know what had kept Bella awake to the point of exhaustion.

She may as well have been reading his mind herself. "It wasn't like that, Dad. We were talking, that's all." Her voice wavered, but Charlie didn't catch the lie. Recovering, she added, "Alice was there the whole time."

_Alice. How could she?_ He pondered my sister's motives, deciding that her loyalty to me was notable, if misplaced. My motives, however, weren't nearly as honorable in his eyes.

"What is this hold he has over you? He left you alone in the forest, for God's sake. You don't owe him anything, Bella!"

The curtains swayed in the breeze caused by Bella's sudden spin toward her father. "He didn't _want_ to leave. It was just as hard on him as it was on me," she nearly shouted.

"I'm sure," Charlie mocked. "Why didn't _you_ call him then? Make _him_ run away from home to find _you_?"

Bella's heart raced for a long second. When she did speak, her tone was quiet, menacing. "Why didn't _you_ call Mom when she left?"

Charlie jumped up and slammed the chair back under the table. An older version of Bella, but only just, with a baby cradled in her arms, yelled something at him then stormed out the imagined door in his mind. He'd wanted to call, but didn't.

"_Don't try and find me, Charlie,"_ Renée had said. _"Once I'm settled, we'll talk about Bella. She deserves more than you can give her."_

He'd had no argument, and had let his wife and daughter leave – just as Bella had let me go. When Renée had finally contacted him, he'd been ready to jump in a car and go to her, had she asked.

She didn't.

Charlie didn't answer Bella's question, heading instead to the living room. He paused at the doorway and spoke to the carpet. "Angela Weber dropped off your homework. It's by the phone." One step out of the kitchen, he stopped again.

"No more rides to school – with anyone. I bought you that truck, I expect you to use it," he said, pointing at the wall and presumably the oxidizing piece of metal parked beyond it.

"Dad! We carpool, that's all," Bella complained.

Charlie snorted. "Carpool? He has to drive _past_ the school to get to our house! No. I don't want to hear any 'Edward's running late' or 'I left my books in his car' fairy tales. School, work, home. That's it," he said, leaving no room for negotiation. "And with his shiny hotrod, I'll know if he shows up here when I'm not around."

"Give me a break, Dad." Bella looked truly fearful for once. "You don't have to enlist the neighbors to spy on me." She peered out the window again, her gaze avoiding the forest and landing on the lifeless house across the street.

Charlie's threat was mostly empty – the majority of the neighbors were just as busy as he was, and the nearest neighbor, a near-sighted eighty-year-old wasn't the most observant. Bella's worries were unfounded.

"One last thing," Charlie said, clearing his throat. "Curfew is nine o'clock. No exceptions."

Bella stood frozen over the sink.

"You'll see him at school," Charlie said, thinking he'd call the office and see if he couldn't talk Mrs. Cope into moving me out of all Bella's classes. "You don't need to spend every waking moment with _him_."

The set of Bella's jaw mirrored my own. Every waking moment wasn't even close to enough.

Taking her silence as compliance, Charlie checked his watch. "You've got some time before school, why don't you get started on that homework?"

Bella didn't turn around, depriving me of any insight into her thoughts. Instead she snatched the papers from the counter and climbed the stairs silently. Once in her room, she flung the door closed, but caught it before it could slam.

Mumbling something about accepting her sentence, she let it click shut.

With a heavy sigh she collapsed on her bed, the papers slipping from her hand like confetti. I was halfway across the yard when she stirred.

"It's only an hour, get a grip." I froze, expecting to see her peering down at me. The lace curtains didn't move, though, and I retreated to the trees. She wasn't talking to me.

Finding my all too familiar perch, I continued my voyeuristic ways.

Bella crouched next to her bed and gathered up the papers. A faint tapping interrupted the shuffling, followed by a grunt.

"Shoot!" She stood, a finger in her mouth.

What was she...

_Damn it!_ I hadn't told Bella I'd already retrieved her things. Again the urge to go to her overwhelmed me.

Inspecting her injured finger, Bella set the papers on the desk, right on top of the pile of trinkets I'd left for her.

The papers scattered again, but Bella's response was what could only be described as a squeal. "Thank you, Edward," she purred.

She flipped through the photos first, selecting one before setting the packet aside. The airline tickets joined the stack without a glance, but she picked up the CD like it was a priceless artifact.

Flinging open the desk drawer, Bella rummaged around, sending pens and pencils flying. Extracting her CD player, she quickly inserted the unlabeled disc and mashed the earphones on her head. Sitting stock still, she closed her eyes.

Her placid expression lasted only one and half seconds. She stabbed at the player again, then shook it. "You have got to be kidding me," she sneered, flipping the device over and opening the battery compartment. "This really is punishment."

She put the defective batteries on the desk next to the inoperative player, and with a resigned sigh, picked up her math book.

Bella spent the rest of the time before school scowling over her homework and pounding out a disjointed cadence with her pencil. The sun rose, illuminating her tiny room, but she didn't notice. It wasn't until her father knocked that she looked up.

She followed him out the door, and without acknowledging Charlie's "see you after school," jumped in her truck and roared down the street.

I met up with Alice a few blocks away, where the forest touched the road. It took little effort to intercept Bella's route to school.

Chipper as ever, my sister prattled on about how she planned to get back into Charlie's good graces with some sort of dessert found at the diner.

"It used to be Bella's favorite, too. Oh, but she won't eat it, though. I wonder why?"

Seeing Bella's obstinate glare in Alice's view of the upcoming afternoon, I wondered if the taste of the violet goo had anything to do with her refusal. The recipient of the glare wasn't included in the vision, but I suspected it was Charlie.

"I wouldn't know, Alice," I mumbled. Pushing Alice's speculations aside, I picked through the mundane thoughts of drivers along the highway. Locating the sight of a rusted red tailgate, I concentrated on the view through the eyes of the mother in the minivan behind Bella. The light a half-mile away changed, and I pulled out just as the ancient truck came into view.

Alice snickered, watching my always-white knuckles strain as I coasted as I waited for Bella to catch up. _You're so impatient!_

"Hush," I scolded.

Our arrival in the parking lot of Forks High was so predictable, it was almost comical. The double takes and mental stuttering rolled out from us like a stream being forded.

_Is that...the Cullens? What are they doing here? Are they visiting?_

Then came the speculation. From the eerily accurate: _Look at him, returning to the scene of the crime_; to the absurd: _If he were a girl, I'd guess he'd gone to give birth._

Before I could contain the torrent of inconsequential thought, Jessica Stanley's busy-body commentary bobbed like a cork above the din.

_So it's true – they are back. _She regarded Bella's glowing smile as she pulled into the spot next to us._ And with Bella in tow, ready with her 'I'm so shy' act to be sure. _ Her petty jealousy hadn't waned in my absence.

Rudely she continued to stare as I met Bella on the sidewalk and slid her backpack over my shoulder.

"Hi," Bella said, giving Alice a quick hug before wrapping an arm around my waist.

_Wow, she's all over him! I wouldn't jump back into his arms after he dumped ME. And look at him, all white-knight with the backpack. Co-dependent much?_

Just as I was about to glare in Jessica's direction, Alice poked me in the ribs. _Don't encourage her. _"Esme said we need to pick up passes first," she said, starting toward the office.

Bella suddenly tensed, and I easily guessed the reason.

"Do you want me to write a note for you?" I'd seen enough of Charlie's scrawl to do a decent imitation.

"No. That's okay. It'll be an unexcused absence in any case, so I guess it doesn't matter," Bella said with a sigh.

"A couple of days off won't make any difference on your applications," Alice assured her as we walked toward the office.

With a nonchalant shrug Bella took a keen interest in the concrete...and promptly stumbled.

"Shoot," she said too quickly.

Suspecting there was more than klutziness in her loss of balance, I asked, "Where have you applied so far?"

"Um..." She timidly waved at a passing car.

Eric Yorkie mechanically returned the gesture, his face pressed against the glass. _The Cullens are back?_

"Have you applied _anywhere_?" I asked, holding the door for Bella. No matter what she said, I already knew the answer.

"I have some applications," she said. The guilt written on her face told me they were blank, wherever they were.

Suddenly her expression changed, and she rose to her toes. Her hot breath sent a shiver through me as she whispered in my ear. "It doesn't really matter now, does it?"

"Bella," I groaned. She had so much to live for...including college. Hadn't Charlie said anything?

Taking my hand, she closed the subject with an overly friendly, "Good Morning, Mrs. Cope."

"Good Morning, Bella. You're looking well. Do you have a note for me?" Mrs. Cope's gaze didn't linger on her long. "And welcome back to you two." _What I wouldn't give to be a teenager again,_ she thought.

Bella shook her head. "Note? Um, I forgot to get one."

"I can't let you go back to class without some kind of explanation from your parent about your absence, Bella. It's school policy." _Charlie said you were sick, yesterday. What if you're contagious?_

"I was out of town and got back late, that's all," Bella said. "Can't I bring a note tomorrow?"

Alice was about to intervene, but then saw I'd have much more success.

"Mrs. Cope," I said, leaning over the counter toward the aging secretary. "Surely Chief Swan let you know that Bella would be out. He's at the police station right now, couldn't you just call him?"

"Ah," she said, her pulse racing. "I'm not really supposed to..."

I unleashed the full force of my golden gaze on her, exhaling slowly. "Please, just this once? It was my fault Bella was absent. She shouldn't be penalized for that."

"You...your fault?"

_Perfect!_ Alice thought. "It was both of ours, actually. Bella was helping us with the move. You know how tedious that is; it took longer than any of us realized."

"Um, oh, all right," Mrs. Cope said, still stuck in a trance-like state.

"So Bella can go to class?" I verified.

Mrs. Cope licked her lips, then shook herself. "Yes, of course." Turning to Bella, she cleared her throat. "But only this once. Next time you must have a written excuse." _Charlie did report her absence...I shouldn't bother him again._

"Thank you, Mrs. Cope," Bella said, hiding her grin behind her hand.

"As for you two, here's your schedules." Mrs. Cope bustled around the office and in a fluttering of papers, selected two sheets and set them on the counter. "I think they're the same as they were in September, except that this semester, Edward, you'll be assisting in Mrs. Goff's class sixth period." She fingered the fake flowers that doubled as pens next to the visitor's log. "Unless you'd like to help me here in the office." _He's eighteen...a little ogling isn't illegal._

"No, thank you, Mrs. Goff will be fine." I'd much rather spend the hour grading Spanish vocabulary quizzes with a happily married woman than the lonely secretary. I'd be able to get a jump on Bella's college applications, too. If I could convince her to wait a year or two..._weddings took time to plan,_ I thought coyly...she'd excel at philosophy and literature. _And humanities,_ I smirked.

The bell rang, and I closed the door on Mrs. Cope and her less than flattering fantasies.

_Be nice to the humans,_ Alice reminded me. "See you at lunch, Bella." She touched Bella's shoulder before pirouetting her way to Government.

Walking across campus, we garnered more curious looks and jealous whispers. Pink-faced, Bella pressed herself against my side, drawing even more stares. A few, including the ever gracious Angela, were more complimentary, noting the beauty of Bella's seldom-seen blush.

With Bella tucked securely under my arm, I easily ignored the rush of thoughts and savored her closeness. She squeezed me tighter, distracting me even further, while pressing me to walk faster. The copious attention clearly disturbed her.

"You know that tomorrow we'll be old news," I said, trying to ease her discomfort.

She sighed. "I know. I just we could skip ahead to that point."

No one spoke to us until we were standing in front of Mr. Berty's desk, but silence eluded me.

From the front of the room: _So that's why she was gone…_

_My mom said Chief Swan ransacked Dr. Cullen's old office, _came from the back.

And the all too familiar 'voice' of Mike Newton. _He has some nerve coming back here._ His dim memories of Bella's vacant countenance cut me deeper than his animosity.

"Miss Swan, Mr. Cullen, welcome back." Mr. Berty held out two well-used copies of _The Count of Monte Cristo_. Carlisle's original French printings from the 1840's were in better shape. "We're only a few chapters in. You should both be able to catch up quickly." He correctly guessed that I'd already read the book. _ I wonder if she has._

My smile interrupted his thought. "One of my favorites," I said. I looked down at Bella as I uttered the final words of the tome. "_'...All human wisdom is summed up in two words – 'Wait and hope.'_"

Bella looked down at her book, but couldn't hide the smile that made her cheeks rise.

"Very good, Mr. Cullen. You have paperwork for me, I assume?"

While Mr. Berty scribbled his name on the slip, Bella hurried to her seat.

Newton wisely didn't speak to her, focusing his limited mental energy on me. _He walks in here like nothing's changed. Arrogant son of a…_

I gave him a scathing stare as I passed, and he sunk as far as he could into the tiny desk, pretending to read.

_I hope that guy Bella's been hanging out with teaches him a thing or two. He could take Cullen. _Jacob Black towered over Bella in his mind.

This was the moment his insignificant life would have ended, had I not hunted.

My fist swung in an invisible arc less than an inch from Newton's head before I buried it in my pocket. He swatted at his ear, mistaking the whistling shockwave of my near-miss as an unwanted insect.

The time away hadn't dulled my hatred of the vile Neanderthal, and the urge to put him out of my misery was almost too much to bear. I could break Newton's pencil of a neck and be in my seat before his head hit the tabletop, but that was too easy of a death for him. Unfortunately, explaining why his face suddenly fell into his lap like a used banana peel in the middle of class would be complicated, if satisfying.

Maybe after lunch.

The next step took him out of my line of sight and beyond easy reach. Bella quirked an eyebrow and subtly shook her head. After I sat, she took my hand in hers, her motives more than just affection. But I didn't argue – I wanted nothing more than to feel her skin against mine.

The class consisted of readings from the opening chapters of the book, but I barely heard the ramblings. Bella held my attention, blushing and smiling when I ran my thumb over the back of her hand; sighing as she heard Mercedes telling of her love for Edmond. One line caused her to catch her breath.

"If he is dead, I shall die too," June Richardson read without feeling. "If he has forgotten you..."

"Never." I thought I'd spoken too low for human hearing, but Bella's eyes found mine.

"I know," she mouthed.

The rest of the morning's classes followed a similar routine: past assignments for Bella, welcomes and signatures for me. The one anomaly was Calculus.

When we stopped outside of Mr. Varner's class, Bella hesitated before accepting her backpack.

"What is it?" I brushed the hair back from her forehead and kissed it.

Jessica rounded the corner and rushed past. _Great. Get a room already._

Bella's jaw tightened. "What should I say to her?"

"You don't need to worry. Jessica has no intention of speaking to you. It seems you're more popular than she is today." I couldn't resist a chuckle.

"It's not funny," she scolded, but managed a tiny grin before crossing the threshold.

As predicted, Jessica didn't speak a single word to Bella. She didn't even bother with "Hello." Few others addressed Bella, either, but classwork left little time for chitchat. Lunch was a different story, however.

Alice met us at the cafeteria, as bubbly as ever. "We need to make one stop on the way to Bella's after school. It'll only take a minute."

Bella did a double-take. "You're coming over after school? Today?"

I handed her a tray. "Of course. Charlie said I would be..." _Welcomed_ definitely wasn't the appropriate word. "...admitted if he was there, and he didn't say anything about other visitors."

When Bella's mouth fell open, Alice actually laughed.

"I told you I wouldn't be far," I said with a wink.

I paid for all our food and followed Bella to a table. By the way I'd seen her in people's memories throughout the morning, I expected it to be empty. To my astonishment, she set her tray down near Eric's, and across from Angela Weber's.

"Hi, Bella," Angela said easily. "Edward, Alice. It's good...to see you again." Her welcome became a little stilted when Alice sat down right next to her. In typical Angela fashion, she immediately felt guilty for what was a perfectly normal reaction.

"Thanks Angela, it's good to be back," my sister chirped.

Ben put an arm around his girlfriend, but his concern was split between Angela and the girl he saw as her best friend. Exhibiting more chivalry than the rest of the school's male population combined, he worried if I was simply toying with Bella.

My respect for his loyalty overshadowed any ill will his thoughts may have provoked. "What is it that brings you back, exactly?" he asked politely. All heads at the table turned expectantly.

Impressed, Alice answered, "Carlisle took the position down south as a favor to a friend on an interim basis. Esme's never liked big cities, though, and when a new replacement was found, we decided to move. Since the hospital here still had an opening, we returned to Forks."

Everyone was entranced by her fabrication – including Bella.

"I couldn't wait to get back, and contacted Bella. She volunteered to come help us finish packing, and we lost track of time." Alice picked at the brownish-gray lump on her tray. "We forgot to call, and, well, things got a little blown out of proportion."

Jessica choked. "A little out of proportion? Chief Swan was tearing around town looking for ways to contact your dad. My mom heard that he called the FBI looking for you, Bella."

"He didn't call the FBI," Bella said, glancing at Alice. "It was just a misunderstanding, that's all."

"Huh. I thought you were spending break in La Push," Newton said, then turned to me. "You were in L.A.? That's funny, cause one of your orders came in after you and your family left, and when we sent it to your house, it was returned stamped 'No Forwarding Address'." He didn't take his eyes off me while he wondered if we were in some kind of witness protection program. _No, more likely the mob,_ he amended.

Bella played with her drink, clearly uneasy.

"The US Postal System has never been known for its dependability." I caught his gaze, his disbelief evident.

"Your phone number didn't work either."

I shrugged. "We received a deal if we bundled our utilities together, including cell service."

One question ricocheted like a pinball from one disbelieving mind to the next. It was Tyler who voiced it. "Why didn't you stay in touch with Bella, if you weren't staying...where were you again?"

"L.A. Look, guys..." Bella started, but I put my hand over hers.

Lauren rolled her eyes and left, followed by Jessica. "Who cares?" she mumbled. No one else even looked her way.

In contrast, Angela astutely interpreted the regret shrouding my eyes. _Look at his face...he missed her while he was gone...a lot_.

I carefully worded my answer. "We didn't think we were coming back. It wouldn't be fair to lead Bella on, from hundreds of miles away, would it?"

Alice remembered visions she'd had of me staring at my phone, fighting the urge to call Bella. "Edward was miserable the whole time. That's the other reason we came back."

"It's actually very romantic, if you think about it," Angela said with a sigh. _I don't know what I'd do if I lost Ben._ "But now you're together again, right?"

Bella's face glowed with happiness. "Definitely."

By the end of the school day, the questions had died down, and some sense of normalcy did seem obtainable...at school anyway.

When Alice and I pulled up in front of the Swan residence, things were far from normal.

"He's coming over today?" Charlie was already on the warpath.

"Dad, please. I haven't seen Edward in months. You're here, and we're just going to do homework."

Charlie grunt-coughed.

"Alice, are you sure this is a good idea?" I eyed the silver tray in her lap.

She reached for the door handle. "Yes, I'm sure. Charlie will love this. Grab my backpack, please." _I have homework, too, you know._

I was about to argue when I saw Bella's face in the window. Any doubts I had vanished in her joyful smile.

Verifying we were unobserved, I raced past Alice to the front door.

_Just a little anxious?_ she teased.

Bella opened the door, her eyes sparkling. "Hey."

"Hey yourself."

She tugged on my jacket, pulling me down and capturing my lips.

"It's only been seventeen minutes, Bella," Alice said behind me.

Releasing me with one last peck, Bella sighed. "What's your point, Alice?" With my hand securely in hers, she invited us in.

Charlie heaved himself out of his chair. "I think the kitchen would be the best place for you to work, Bella," he said, his eyes never leaving mine. His thoughts weren't words, just pure, unadulterated hatred.

"Dad..."

"No problem," I interrupted.

"Hi, Charlie." Alice stepped in front of me, her shoulders rounded and her face drawn. She held out the steaming tray.

"Um, thanks. What are you doing here, Alice?" Charlie started to take the dish, recoiling when he touched the aluminum. "This is hot!"

"Oh, sorry. I'll put it in there." _Don't, Edward_, Alice warned when I reached for the tray.

Like a drum major, Alice led our parade into the tiny kitchen. I followed Bella, and Charlie stalked behind me, wondering if I'd put my sister up to this. Clearly my intervention would only be detrimental to Alice's plan to make up with Charlie.

"What is that?" Bella asked. I held out her chair, then sat next to her at the table.

"Cora's Blueberry Cobbler. We picked it up on the way back." Alice peeled back the foil and pretended to smell the concoction. "What do you think, Charlie?"

Taking his eyes off me, he took a deep breath, then swallowed. "Smells great. What's it for?"

With an exaggerated exhalation, Alice re-covered the goo. "I didn't know how else to apologize. The person you should be mad at is me – I convinced Bella to leave and completely neglected to have her keep in touch with you." _Just one phone call would have changed everything._

"Alice," Bella said, but Charlie was already shaking his head.

"I know you were worried about your family," he said, throwing another visual dagger in my direction. "But you should have let me know what was going on."

Bella mumbled something about a note, then rummaged through her backpack.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie." No one could doubt Alice's sincerity. She picked up her backpack and turned toward the door.

"Wait, where are you going?" Charlie said, surprised.

"Yes, stay, Alice." Bella pushed another chair out from the table.

Alice paused. "I know Bella's grounded, and don't want to cause any more trouble."

"Well, she's not allowed to go out, but I guess visitors are okay." He scowled at me. _Since you're going to be here, the more, the merrier._ "How about a serving of cobbler?"

Alice sat next to Bella, mission accomplished. "No thank you. That's for you and Bella." She winked at me, knowing Charlie had no intention of offering me anything but the door.

"Bella?"

"No thanks, Dad. Mom kind of ruined cobbler for me a couple years ago when she tried to make a gluten-free sugar-free vegan version." She shuddered – whatever adjustments Renée had made must have been hideous.

"Oh well, more for me, I guess."

Bella's expression turned fierce – the anger I'd seen in Alice's vision. Charlie's refusal to acknowledge my presence was wearing thin.

I took her hand and mouthed "It's all right."

Her nostrils flared, but the edge on her anger seemed to dull. She opened her Spanish book and started her homework.

Charlie plopped a huge lump of cobbler into a cereal bowl, then leaned against the counter. "Thanks, Alice, this is great," he mumbled. Catching sight of Bella's hand clutching mine across the corner of the table, he had trouble swallowing. "Great."

Two hours and six minutes later, Alice packed up her books. She'd spent most of the time harassing me by sketching Bella, visualizing various hair styles. _If she ever accepts your proposal, I'll need to be ready_, she explained.

As talented an artist as Alice was, her drawings didn't hold a candle to Bella's messy, pencil-supported bun. Each rebellious lock of hair was an invitation to be twisted, smoothed, or played with. The strands danced around her face, teasing and tickling until she banished them with a puff of air.

Alice zipped her bag shut as Charlie reappeared at the foot of the stairs with a load of laundry. "We should probably get going," Alice announced.

Bella paled. "You're leaving?"

At that moment, I couldn't. I put my hand in my pocket, preparing to give Alice my keys.

_No, Edward, you can't do that_, Alice thought quickly. _Charlie won't let you stay without a way to get home._

Fine.

"I'll take Alice home, then come back after you've eaten," I said, unable to resist fingering one bit of hair back behind Bella's delicate ear.

Her eyes softened, but her lips turned down when she saw her father stuffing clothes into the washing machine. "I should probably get caught up on some chores, and spend some time with Charlie." The same heart-wrenching shadow ate into my chest, seeing her struggle to say the next words.

"I'll see you when he goes to bed, right?" she whispered.

"Are you sure?" I touched her chin, ignoring Alice's urging and Charlie's groan.

She nodded. "I trust you. It's just a few hours. Routine, right?"

"Maybe this will help," Alice said, setting a package of batteries on the table.

"Thanks," Bella said, with the hint of laugh.

"See you tomorrow, Bella." Alice tugged me toward the door. _She and Charlie need to heal._

I gave her a disbelieving frown.

_They won't fight._ She paused, staring at nothing. A calm Bella appeared, sitting on the couch, watching TV. Bella smiled easily, and Charlie laughed. _And you have to give her the chance to trust you._

Thankfully she didn't show me how hard that was going to be for Bella.

"Bye, Alice," Charlie called. His parting comment for me was silent. _Good riddance._

Bella rolled her eyes. "He's really serious about not speaking to you."

I snorted. "Don't worry, I got the message." She made a fist, and I brought it to my lips. "He's entitled. It's not that bad, really."

"That doesn't mean I have to like it." Bella wrapped her arms around me, enveloping me in warmth.

"What kind of pizza do you want, Bella?" Charlie called.

"He doesn't give up, does he?" I asked.

"No. I'll see you soon."

"Soon." Routine.

After another lingering kiss, I released Bella, waiting until she closed the door before turning around. I'd give Charlie his evening with his daughter.

The rest of the night...the rest of her nights...were mine.

* * *

_End Notes:_

_"If only," she said with one final guffaw._

_What do you think Bella was laughing at in the beginning of this chapter? How about Edward bursting in to save her in the bathroom - with her in the buff? 8-)_

_Only one more chapter to go!_


	23. Epilogue: Bad Blood

THIS IS A REAL UPDATE...

_Author's Note:_

_This is it, the last of the last, the end. It's been a heck of a run. So many people have helped me out along this journey – editing, reviewing, and even just reading. I say it so much...and it's hardly adequate, but thank you so much._

_Two people who have invested enormous amounts of time in this story are NoMoreThanUsual and LindaRoo. What they've added to this work is hard to quantify – just a simple question like 'What was Angela thinking here?' makes so much of a difference in the final product, and yet it's invisible to you the reader. You both are incredibly smart, wise and funny women, and I'm honored to call you both friends._

_In addition, I've had more help along the way. emmward, marcyj, psymom, qjmom, Strider, StruckUponAStar and Tigress5Cubs have all contributed, both to the story and to my sanity. All helped me to answer the question: What would Edward do?_

_Okay, before I get all mushy (well, any more mushy), how about some presents? Now that DSOM is complete, would you like to print it out? Read it on a kindle or Mobi reader, perhaps? Then you are in luck! The PDF version is now available at this site, with the PRC (ebook) version to come in the next day or so:_

_bit (dot) ly (slash) 2vLHMi_

_In the next day or two I'll also be adding the DSotM Directors Cut. It's my working copy, including all the references to quotes from the other books, writing notes, and even some hilarious comments from my betas. Hopefully it'll give you a little bit of a behind the scenes look at how my twisted brain works...if you're so bold to check it out!_

_Finally, you might want to keep this story on your alerts. I've got a couple of outtakes that I hope to post at some point. You never know what might show up around Christmas!_

_Mood music for this chapter: Jacob:__ Wake Up Call __by Maroon5; Edward: __The Dogs of War __by Pink Floyd; Reprise of __Eclipse __by Pink Floyd

* * *

_

**Epilogue: Bad Blood**

As predicted, our return lost its newsworthiness within a few days, and Bella and I achieved a sort of normalcy within the restraints imposed by Charlie.

Bella's trepidation when her father spoke the words "It's nine o'clock" was slowly fading. Thankfully her exuberance when I returned a couple hours later hadn't diminished one bit.

Each night she drifted off to sleep in my arms, sometimes while I hummed, other times to the steady beat of her heart. Mornings started with a hug – the first few more desperate than loving. I guessed she still feared I was a dream with those initial wakings. Once she'd verified my corporeal status, an eager kiss always followed.

Suffice to say, I'd never enjoyed mornings more.

I, too, was adapting to our new schedule and managed to tear myself away long enough to verify that Emmett and Jasper hadn't discovered even the slightest whiff of Victoria. None of us doubted that she would return though, and each member of my family volunteered to help safe guard Bella and her father. Even Rosalie didn't complain...for the most part. Only Emmett's new fascination with animal feces irritated her.

After searching for miles around Forks, the only evidence of infiltration anyone had found were droppings left by the wolves. The mutts had wandered far off their precious reservation in our absence, and my younger, albeit bigger brother had cataloged every pile of wolf dung from Portland to Spokane to Kamloops.

I would've found his jokes funny if the only thing the curs left behind was a foul odor. Unfortunately their influence..._his_ influence had much longer reach.

It was on the third 'normal' night the word slipped from her slumbering lips.

"Jake."

Jake. My own, personal, four-letter curse.

Jacob Black.

_Werewolf_.

Fast asleep, Bella still suffered the past in her dreams. Mumblings about Aro, snarls about Jane, and quiet whimpers of my name often colored her night. Usually an embrace or a caress would silence the nightmare; a kiss on her forehead or neck eradicated it. This was different. I had no trouble recognizing the emotion behind her murmuring. Not apologizing, not fearful, not angry...the sound was longing. For _him_.

"You promised, Jake," she whispered. "Friends...no matter who..."

I should have expected some residual effects of the wolf's presence to linger in Bella's subconscious – she'd mentioned him our first night back – but to hear her yearning for him provided the worst punishment possible.

"Shhh, it's all right, my love," I chanted, wishing I could permanently blot out all the memories of our time apart. She shivered under my cool breath, and half-smiled.

"Edward." Even asleep she recognized me, sliding her hand across my chest before resting her cheek on my shoulder. Nothing else mattered...she was with me. _Mine._

With a quiet whisper of "eternity," her dreams subsided, replacing my brooding with the paradox of guilt and hope that the word embodied.

While the trauma of leaving Bella alone to prepare for the day had diminished, I rarely stayed away for long. Weekends meant banishment until the afternoon, so I became a regular resident of the spruce outside the Swan household.

Waiting for the magic hour when Bella would call and invite me in, I watched and listened as her nightmares became my daymares. A simple phone call initiated the infuriating cycle.

"No, not today...I know it's Sunday, Billy." Charlie's angry retort had stopped the patter of Bella's feet on the stairs. With groan, he shifted the phone from one ear to the other.

"_So why can't you come over? You're not letting her see CULLEN, are you?"_ the Quileute chieftain sneered on the other end of the line.

"Why do you think I'm staying home?" Charlie hissed back.

"_I warned you from the beginning, he's nothing but trouble. For Bella, for you..."_

"I have to go," Charlie interrupted, noticing Bella on the last step. "Talk to you later, Billy." He dropped the phone into its cradle with a _crack_. "Morning, Bells."

"Hey, Dad." I heard the clattering of pans on the stove. "Want some pancakes?"

Charlie nodded behind the thin curtains and Bella opened the fridge with a _pop_.

"Was that Billy on the phone?"

"Hmm?" Charlie snapped the newspaper open. "Um, yeah. He wanted to go fishing."

"You should go. You've been cooped up here too long."

"I get out. 'Sides, the Mariners are playing an exhibition game." He had no intention of leaving the two of us alone together.

Bella didn't respond immediately, but I caught a glimpse of her frown through the kitchen window. She'd kept her promise and not uttered a single complaint about her punishment, keeping her frustration to herself. Suddenly her eyes widened, remembering something, I guessed.

She turned and very carefully set the plate in front of her father. "How is Jake?" she asked.

Grinding my teeth, I used Charlie's eyes to see the poorly veiled curiosity in Bella's face.

"He didn't say. Sorry." _Jacob? Thought they broke up._

I'd known the dog had insinuated himself into her life in my absence, but his comment and her worry made me wonder just how close they'd been. I continued to reap the bitter fruits of my greatest mistake.

"Oh." Visibly crestfallen, Bella prepared her own breakfast.

The screws of torture tightened when Charlie considered lifting Bella's restrictions in favor of my mortal enemy. Sadly, I was thankful when he held fast to his intention to punish Bella.

He had no consolation to offer her.

She stared out the window, looking at but not seeing me in the deep, drippy shadows while she ate. When she found her plate empty, she checked the clock on the wall and smiled. I assumed my impending arrival had erased her despair.

She didn't mention _Jake_ again until the following Monday after I'd excused myself for her curfew. Bella had seemed nervous, almost timid, and I worried that she was relapsing. This time I parked a block away and relied on Charlie to ferret out the source of her anxiety.

The Chief of Police didn't disappoint, noting her restlessness as soon as I'd pulled away from the curb. "Are you worried that you won't get into college?" he asked, surveying the papers covering the table.

I hadn't thought that my insistence that she apply to college had been that distressing. She'd agreed that keeping up appearances, no matter what the summer brought, was important to all of us – especially Charlie. She'd ignored my suggestions that spending at least a semester would do her wonders...or had she?

Bella quickly gathered the half-filled-out applications together. "No. I'm sure I'll find a school that will take me." She caught him peering over her shoulder at the top form.

_Alaska?_

He started to ask, but Bella spoke first. "Did you go fishing today? The freezer is overflowing, you know."

"Yeah. Billy begged me to go. Mark traded shifts with me."

Bella chewed her lip, more nervous than ever. "I'm glad. So have you two made up?"

Charlie chuckled. "I guess so."

"I guess you and Billy found a good spot. Looks like you caught quite a haul." The way she avoided Charlie's gaze told me that her interest had nothing to do with fish.

I wasn't the only one who was suspicious. My unknowing accomplice watched her with interest. "We had a good run. Billy took home twice as much as I did." He noted how Bella's eyes darted to his whenever he mentioned Billy, and wondered, as I did, if it wasn't a different Quileute she was curious about. Ever the angler, he baited his hook. "I guess Jake's eating him out of house and home."

Bella's cheek quirked up as she unsuccessfully tried to hide her grin. "I'm not surprised," she said a little too quickly.

My eyes closed, but the sight of her anxious face only intensified when unblemished by my own vision. She missed Black.

I wanted to murder him.

"Have you heard from Jake yet?" Charlie asked, drawing the same conclusion I did.

Bella's mask fell with a silent crash. "No."

"Have you tried calling _him_?"

Bella's eyes grew round as saucers, as if she'd just discovered the secret for turning lead to gold. I should have celebrated her sudden jubilance; instead I mourned.

"No, I haven't," she said quietly.

Pleased with himself, Charlie smoothed her hair in an uncharacteristically paternal motion. "You are allowed to use the phone, Bella," he joked.

The scene would have been heartwarming, had it not resulted in her calling Black immediately afterward.

"Hi Billy. Is Jake there?"

As Bella paced the kitchen, I was torn. For all the hatred I had for the young wolf, without his presence, Bella would have died long before she jumped from the cliff. Or, was it some freakish twist of good luck that he hadn't injured or killed her himself?

Decades ago, when the last pack had run the land, I'd helped Carlisle research the shape-shifters. They weren't willing to give up much information verbally, but with a few choice words, their memories and legends were easily evoked. While they thought they'd kept their secrets safely hidden in their minds, I'd heard the tales – including the uncontrolled violence exhibited by the newly phased. They injured their own families as often as they dispatched their enemies.

In many ways, their young were no different from ours. Metamorphosis was hard on us all, it seemed. While those cursed by immortality underwent a single, deep-freezing of our being, the werewolves were thrust into a constant state of flux.

With Fate's help, I'd driven Bella from one supernatural extreme to the other. If I'd but known...but who could have predicted that Bella's attraction for all things lethal and mythical could resurrect an extinct species? Would she call to life saber-tooth tigers next? _Emmett will be overjoyed._

Regardless, the teen wolf's services were no longer required nor desired. Now that we'd returned, he would be occupied protecting his land while Bella was caged in Charlie's house. Couldn't she see that the line dividing us was more than a mere scratch on a map?

"_He's already asleep Bella,"_ was the terse reply on the phone.

Bella stopped in the middle of the kitchen, bringing the phone back to her lips. "Oh. That makes sense. Could you tell him to call me when he wakes up?" She took his grunt as an affirmative. "Thanks, Billy."

She'd hung up the phone with a sigh. "I'm going up to read, Dad."

She never mentioned the call to me.

As tenacious as ever, Bella refused to let Jacob Black go, even after he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with her. A couple of days later she tried again, right after school, while I waited for Charlie to return home from work.

"_He's not here,"_ was the excuse this time.

Like a contagious rash – or a bad case of fleas – Jacob Black came up in conversation more often, even in my presence.

I hadn't expected to hear the name at school, but when Newton announced that the weather would be nice and he'd gotten off work for the weekend, Bella immediately perked up.

"Will you be going to the beach?" she asked, avoiding my gaze.

"I was thinking about it – you want to come?" _Edward's always gone when it's sunny – we could check out the tide pools together._ Mike's enthusiasm would be the death of him.

"I can't. Grounded, remember?" Bella graced him with polite smile. "Besides, someone has to mind the store."

_Oh, yeah._ "Thanks for covering for me, Bella. Can I bring you a souvenir, some driftwood, maybe?" His laugh caught in his throat when he looked in my direction and saw me bending over the prongs of my fork one by one with my thumb.

_Put it down, Edward,_ Alice thought, her eyes darting around the cafeteria. _You've made your...point._

"Actually," Bella took a sip of her drink, "if you see Jacob Black, could you let him know I'm trying to get a hold of him?"

The fork, or what was left of it, hit the far wall of the cafeteria and stuck, mangled tines out, quivering like a dart. Students below the skewered wallboard began accusing each other of the vandalism, but one boy saw the utensil's appearance as tangible proof of the existence magic. D.J. Garrett's imagination knew no limits.

Alice sighed and quietly excused herself. _You and your hair-trigger temper._

Mike Newton's sluggish mind missed my juvenile outburst completely.

_The big Quileute?_ "Uh..." _Doesn't he have a phone? _After seeing the tight set of my lips, his tone changed. "Sure, Bella, no problem."_ If it makes Edward sweat, I'll be more than happy to help._

I wanted nothing more than to slap the snide grin right off his face. Even more so when he returned the following Monday and reported that he hadn't been able to locate Black.

Bella tried to hide how much Newton's blunt "he wasn't around" disturbed her, but her half-second's hesitation and empty "thanks, Mike" weren't lost on me.

More phone calls, and excuses from the elder Black, followed. Asleep, away, or unavailable, clearly Jacob Black wasn't interested in speaking to Bella.

Selfishly, I rejoiced.

While I never wanted to see Bella suffer, she couldn't grasp how dangerous her friend was. I couldn't dispute the fact he'd taken care of Laurent and done a decent job thwarting Victoria, but Jacob Black failed completely when it came to protecting Bella from herself. He'd facilitated her new love for extreme sports – Bella herself admitted he'd introduced her to cliff diving.

He was a menace...a menace that wouldn't go away.

When she thought I wasn't listening, Bella would mutter about the brush-off to Angela or Charlie. She seldom revealed her frustration directly to me – at least when she was awake – but there were always exceptions.

After a particularly tedious day of uncooperative customers and leaky fish bait at Newton's, Bella practically exploded when she fell into the passenger seat.

"It's just plain rude!" She yanked the door out of my hands and slammed it shut. "Downright insulting! Billy said he didn't _want _to talk to me. That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone!"

I started the car, already resenting Black. Finally given the privilege of picking up Bella from work, the last thing I wanted to discuss was her so-called friend.

"Usually Billy just says he's out or busy or sleeping or something," she complained to the window, depriving me of a view of her face. "I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it." There was a glimmer of liquid sparkle in the corner of her eye where an angry tear had collected. "I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!"

"It's not you, Bella. Nobody hates you." _Not even Jacob Black, I'd wager._

She threw her arms across her chest. "Feels that way."

I never thought I'd find myself in the position of defending the hot-headed werewolves. "Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you. He won't come anywhere near me..." _if he's smart._ "The enmity is rooted too deeply."

On both sides. My family and I had the advantages of patience and experience. This new pack had neither.

"That's stupid. He knows you're not..." She hesitated, leading me to wonder what truthful descriptor she was editing out of her comment. "Like other vampires," she finished with a pout.

Our diets aside, the Quileutes weren't foolish. "There's still good reason to keep a safe distance."

Rational, logical thought was a challenge for such mercurial creatures – it was a wonder we'd ever struck any kind of a truce with them in the first place. I doubted the treaty would still be in force had there been phasing wolves present when we arrived in Forks three and half years ago. There would be peace – but only because we had destroyed the shape-shifters.

Bella refused to see the danger they posed, that Black posed, as a supernaturally-enhanced, hormonal teenager.

If only she'd use common sense.

"Bella, we are what we are. I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young." Younger than she, I remembered, and definitely less mature. "It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k –" I caught myself before my honesty got the best of me. "Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen." I doubted she could truly understand the warring nature of our two species. The Montagues and Capulets were blood brothers in comparison.

Her eyes narrowed. "Edward Cullen, were you about to say '_killed _him'?" she said, her quiet voice menacing. "Were you?"

I didn't want to lie, but how could I tell her I'd easily end Black's life, given the chance?

A single, furious mind rose above the din of human thought bubbling ahead of us, mirroring our conversation. _"She could have killed herself! What was she thinking?"_

Charlie was furious – at Bella – again. Surprised, I concentrated harder, but he was too angry to think coherently

Why didn't Alice warn us?

The light changed, and I realized Bella was still expecting an answer.

A lie was unacceptable, but the truth would only upset her. Imagining Bella crying over the wolf's lifeless carcass, I composed a response I hoped we could both live with. "I would try…very hard…not to do that."

Out of the corner of my eye, Bella gaped at me. What else could I say?

Charlie's voice bellowed again – too clearly. He was yelling at someone else._ "You can be sure that your dad will hear about this. You think about that on your walk home, Jacob."_

At the sound of the name, I realized with a grimace whose head I was tuned into, and why Alice hadn't seen anything. Jacob Black was being thrown out of Bella's house. The reason why was overshadowed by Charlie's hazy, livid view of Black sulking out the door.

Oblivious to the disturbance ahead, Bella continued to swim in denial. "Well, nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it." She inspected the stop sign at the end of her street, dismissing a decades' long feud with a shake of her head.

What worried me more than her naïveté was Charlie's raging temper and Jacob's proximity to her house.

Bella's father contemplated more punishment, wondering if there was a convent within driving distance. _Pastor Weber would know_, he thought.

In the trees beyond the house, the self-serving dog tried to justify his cowardly actions. _It's for her own good._

"...home before I get in more trouble for being late." Bella's last words faded away in the patter of rain on the windshield.

_I trusted him...Bella...how could she...so stupid?_ Charlie fumed, silently listing Bella's trips to the hospital, connecting all her recent injuries to the surging anger Black had instilled in him. _He's no better than Edward._

Seeing his memories of the bandages, the bruises, the _stitches_, froze me in place. What had she and Black done while I was gone?

"You're already in more trouble, Bella," I murmured.

_How did I miss THIS?_ Charlie thought.

The image of a bright red motorcycle stunned me. _Her_ motorcycle.

Seeing the thing shining in the rain brought home how far she'd been willing to go in order to salvage some memory of me. She'd ridden to the brink of death more than once before leaping over the edge.

Now the spineless mongrel – who'd obviously _encouraged_ her self-destructive hobbies – was exploiting her weakness in the most vindictive way possible. Built like a man, but with the tact and manners of a indignant toddler, Jacob Black was undeniably the most dangerous thing in Bella's world.

My hatred knew no limits, lashing out at him, but whipping back to me. _If I hadn't abandoned her..._

Bella's sudden grip on my arm drew me back to the impending unpleasantness.

"What? What is it?" she asked, frantic. Her eyes searched the pavement ahead, hoping to see what lurked ahead.

As if she and her father hadn't suffered enough strife. He was so angry he was muttering to himself. _"I can't believe Bella did something so dangerous. I swear I'm going to send her to the morgue."_ A row of sheet-covered bodies filled his mind.

"Charlie…" I started.

She gasped. "My dad?" Bella looked up at me, her face pale. Something she saw caused her breathing to slow minutely.

I decided to make light of the coming confrontation. "Charlie is probably _not _going to kill you, but he's thinking about it." In actuality, he was planning on showing her a corpse in hopes of preventing her from becoming one – by vehicular means, anyway.

As I pulled forward, I was surprised to hear the werewolf's thoughts again. _I thought she got off at three-thirty, _he grumbled to himself. He was waiting, envisioning the yellowed piece of paper that bore the signatures of seven vampires and three Quileute chiefs. The treaty. Apparently Samuel Uley had been added to the list since I'd last seen it.

_The new pack leader,_ I speculated, noting that he'd signed the document almost a year ago, before I'd encountered Jacob at the prom. By transforming first, he must have usurped the Black's claim on tribal control.

Was he lurking nearby with the rest of the pack? I scanned the forest around Jacob Black, only to find that he was, indeed, a lone wolf.

Bella continued to clutch me, her heart racing. "What did I do?"

As an answer, I eyed the offending vehicle standing next to the police car as we drove past. Bella took my hint and turned toward the driveway, her hand rising to the window as she viewed the scene.

"No! _Why_? Why would Jacob do this to me?" Shock gave way quickly to seething. By the time we'd parked, Bella's face was as red as the motorcycle.

_It's about damn time,_ Jacob thought, hearing the engine die.

With one hand on the door handle, Bella spat, "Is he still here?"

I'd never seen Bella this riled. Her dilated eyes, flushed skin, and overwhelming scent of blood laced with epinephrine were intoxicating. The fact that Black was the target of her furor only enhanced her appeal. Would she mind very much if I _accidently_ killed him?

"Yes. He's waiting for us there." The fact I'd indicated the very spot where I'd done the unthinkable didn't deter her.

With unexpected grace and adrenaline-enhanced speed, Bella threw herself out of the car and headed toward the trees, fists raised. Even the rain feared her wrath, letting up as soon as her feet touched earth. Reluctantly I darted around the car and captured her. If I thought she any hope of injuring Black, I would've provided her a tire iron and let her have at him.

On the other hand, capable or not, I wouldn't allow her to get that close to the volatile shapeshifter.

Bella resisted, trying futilely to free herself from my grasp. "Let me go! I'm going to murder him! _Traitor_!" Perhaps this meeting would serve a purpose after all – to permanently sever the connection between Bella and _Jake_.

If she continued screaming, it'd never happen. "Charlie will hear you," I said. I feared she would hurt herself, the way she pried at my hands, and made my warning more urgent. "And once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway."

Jacob Black kicked at the mossy ground, hearing Bella's cries. _I'm sorry, Bella, I had to do something. _ He had the audacity to feel sorry for deliberately causing her such grief. _I won't let him kill you...or worse._ Elbowing the nearby tree, he received a shower of needles and droplets.

Bella continued to squirm and twist in my grip, without success. "Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie."

Charlie peeked out the window at the driveway, grumbling when all he saw was the motorcycle.

Jacob was equally anxious. _Let's get this over with. _Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself._ I won't be the one to break the treaty this time, but I'll be more than happy to enforce it even if she...survives._

So he was here to deliver a warning, of sorts. "Jacob Black wants to see _me_. That's why he's still here."

Her temper vanished as quickly as it had appeared. Bella slumped in my arms – a marionette with her strings cut. "Talk?" she asked meekly.

Was she worried for my safety? "More or less." Something else leaked through Black's thoughts. It wasn't only Bella's death that worried him, but he couldn't articulate what else he thought me capable of inflicting on her.

Nothing he could imagine could overshadow the atrocities I'd already committed.

Bella's temper was only a distant memory as she trembled in my arms. "H-how much m-m-more?" she stammered.

"Don't worry, he's not here to fight me," I assured her, assuming Black could control his animalistic predisposition. "He's acting as..." _a spiteful child_ "…spokesperson for the pack."

"Oh." Bella didn't sound confident.

_Where is she?_ Charlie picked up the phone and punched the numbers for Newton's Outfitters. "Is Bella there?" he said. It wouldn't be long before he found out Bella was gone and start searching himself. He'd see my car long before he made it to his.

Spinning Bella around, I started toward the path. "We should hurry. Charlie's getting impatient."

Dodging the weeping trees and muddy puddles, I rushed Bella through the forest. With every step my senses heightened, not that I needed any help following his putrid stench. The smell called to life every vicious instinct in my being, called me to battle. I smiled, knowing my scent was equally as repulsive to my self-proclaimed nemesis.

Unlike the werewolf in the forest ahead, I required none of the deep breathing or relaxation techniques my opponent was using to rein in _my_ killing tendencies. I didn't banish them, however, keeping them within reach. Should the wolf lose his grip on humanity, mine would be the last face he saw.

The thundering of Black's heart picked up speed when he heard Bella's uneven footsteps through the soggy loam. He strained, but didn't detect my tread, and shook off the urge to shift into canine form. On all fours, he'd have no trouble hearing me.

Bella's breath caught when we rounded the last tree. I came to a halt, shielding her. If conversation was truly all he intended, we were close enough.

Jacob Black slouched against a tree less than a dozen yards away, his overactive metabolism heating the area like an open flame. Unable to maintain his costume of nonchalance, he assumed an offensive posture as soon as we came into view. He automatically evaluated me as a combatant, a favor that I gladly returned.

Counting his size and recent destruction of Laurent in his favor, he assumed he could take me on alone. I wanted to laugh. He wasn't the only unnaturally large creature in the vicinity, and the closest Emmett had ever come to besting me was a draw. My speed alone gave me the upper hand. Add in the fact I was as intimate with Black's thoughts as he was, and he didn't stand a chance.

Too late he wondered if I'd heard his mental ramblings, and taunted me with an insult about my parentage, trying to trick me into exposing my knowledge of his thoughts. When I didn't react, he assumed I'd lied to Bella about my abilities. _If you threaten her in any way, I'm taking you down,_ he swore.

Then he snuck a glance at Bella, my arm across her, and reconsidered.

_I have to get her away from him, _he thought.

That he thought me low enough to use Bella as either a shield or a hostage nearly drew a revealing hiss from me. I realized he meant to separate us on a more basic level. He regarded me a monster and her, my victim.

I couldn't deny that through his eyes, the contrast between Bella and myself was startling. In 1936, when we'd first encountered the Quileutes, I'd seen how the werewolves perceived my species: as fluid crystalline bodies, resembling our former human selves in shape only. Standing next to Bella, my monstrosity was brought into sharp relief with her beauty. She was a warm, loving creature compared to my icy, undead effigy.

The fact that Bella looked healthier now than the last time the dog saw her didn't escape his notice either, and I fought back a grin. He may have protected her while I was gone, but only I could truly heal her heart.

A heart that was beating because of him...I hadn't forgotten that painful fact.

"Bella." Black wisely kept his eyes on me while greeting her. _Bloodsucker_.

I didn't respond.

_Cold, unfeeling parasite,_ Black sneered.

Unaware of our mental parrying, Bella whispered, "Why? How could you do this to me, Jacob?"

The deep disappointment in her quiet voice punctured his bravado like a bullet. I'd be happy to enlarge the hole for him.

"It's for the best," he said, trying to ignore her tortured gaze. _He's no good for you._

"What is _that _supposed to mean?" A hint of anger tinged the hurt in Bella's retort. "Do you want Charlie to _strangle _me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to _him_?"

Black grimaced...he hadn't thought too hard about the consequences of his hastily conceived plan. _Charlie has a weak heart? _ His guilty musings became defensive, but he remained silent. _Grounding you would keep Cullen away from both of you. He's more dangerous than I am._

Rather than dispute his flawed logic, I decided to reveal my advantage and answered Bella's question for him. "He didn't want to hurt anyone—he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me."

_Son of a...get out of my head, leech! _His umber knuckles turned a jaundiced yellow as his fists tightened.

Bella sighed. "Aw, Jake! I'm _already _grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"

Black's eyes narrowed at me before settling on Bella. Seeing the truth in her eye-rolling, he was momentarily bewildered. _Charlie stopped you? Not him?_ "That's why?" He tried to hide his embarrassment, but failed miserably as his jaw flexed.

He wasn't getting off the hook that easily. "He thought _I _wouldn't let you, not Charlie," I said. What I didn't tell Bella was that he was right. She'd never set another foot on their land if I could help it.

"Stop that," Jacob said like a petulant child.

My leer conveyed my equally immature response without words. _Make me._

Black's control wavered, and the urge to attack nearly won. I weighed my options, should he succumb. Bella's safety was my first priority, but running would only incite a chase. Killing the wolf would be preferable, but in deference to her, removing one or two of his legs would allow us to escape.

With a shaky breath, he stayed the compulsion for the moment. "Bella wasn't exaggerating about your… abilities. So you must already know why I'm here." _You can't have her without starting a war._

"Yes," I said, noting the irony of his adherence to the treaty he'd been the one to break. Misguided as Black was, his motives seemed to revolve around Bella's protection. And that left me with one very unpleasant task before we came to blows. "But, before you begin, I need to say something. Thank you."

Black's astonishment squelched his tremors as I continued, letting go of my hatred for a few seconds. "I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my…existence." Whether he believed my sincerity or not, I meant every word.

He looked to Bella, trying to understand, but saw only pride.

"For keeping Bella alive," I explained. The final confession was the hardest. "When I…didn't." The depth of my failure defied definition.

Bella stroked my back, comforting when she should be reprimanding. "Edward –"

I interrupted her with a wave. She wouldn't assume any more guilt on my behalf.

_The other leech!_ An image of a thirsty Laurent closing on a terrified Bella flashed through his mind. The screech made when the vampire's head left his shoulders was as pleasing to me as it was to Black.

He quickly recovered from the memory, seeing me as an even more lethal threat. "I didn't do it for your benefit."

"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you…"

I let the offer hang. I hated being in debt to the wolf almost as much as I loathed his existence. _How about a car, a house, or a scholarship in a distant country?_ Something that would take him far away from here – far away from _her_.

For the first time I saw a hint of a smile cross Black's features. _You and your bloodsucking_ family _can go back to wherever the hell you came from and never set foot in Forks – no Washington – again. Leave her alone. _

Unsurprisingly, we shared the same wish. My leaving was the one thing I couldn't give him. "That's not in my power."

He snarled, "Whose, then?"

As if he had to ask. Keeping him in my peripheral vision, I turned to Bella. Had it been only a few minutes since I'd had her in my arms? "Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away."

Bella's pulse jumped, followed by Black's. Her pleasure caused him immense disgust. Definitely a win-win for me.

_If you think you can hypnotize her into..._

"Never." The force of her quiet conviction washed over me like a tsunami, and silenced the Quileute.

For his benefit...partly...I leaned closer to Bella. Her breath washed my chin and throat in warmth, beckoning me to taste her lips.

Black's choking wasn't nearly as sweet as her kiss, but was satisfying nonetheless. With a long blink, Bella loosed a scathing glare on him.

"Was there something else you needed, Jacob?" she asked with sarcasm thicker than the moss blanketing the trees around us. "You wanted me in trouble—mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school. But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do _that_. What more do you want?"

_Fine, enjoy your necrophilia. _"I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute."

_You do anything else to hurt her and I'll kill you – and I'll make sure it sticks this time,_ he swore. He fingered the lighter in his pocket; a gift from his father.

My retort of "We haven't forgotten" was obscured by Bella's "What key points?"

_Gee, haven't given her the whole story?_ Jacob remained fixed on me, enjoying his chance to incriminate me – or so he thought.

"The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over." He paused, wondering if Bella understood the distinction. "_Bite_, not kill," he said, turning his icy eyes on her, glancing at her scarred hand.

Two heartbeats later, Bella stiffened in my grasp. "That's _none _of _your _business,"she said with a snarl befitting a vampire.

"The hell it –"

His thoughts came to a screeching halt. As much as Bella's desire to curse herself to my eternal hell turned my stomach, it disgusted the mutt even more. Had his torment not hinged on Bella's damnation, I would have laughed out loud.

I'd never seen a werewolf phase, but Jacob was clearly on the verge. Still a jumble of fury and shock, his thoughts, when they returned, were equally disjointed and quickly raced out of control. His whole body began to vibrate at an ever increasing rate, his skin blurring for a millisecond in the midst of each tremor.

Crushing his head between his gargantuan palms, he tried to calm himself. Every time the word _"relax"_ whispered in his brain, it was drowned out by a mental scream of _"She wants to be one of THEM!"_ The ghost of rust colored hair seemed to collect around him like lint.

That's when Bella threw caution to the wind and took a step toward him. "Jake? You okay?"

I grabbed her and circled so she was behind me. "Careful! He's not under control." I prepared to spring, to meet him before he could reach Bella. Sparing his life was out of the question, now.

Surprisingly, the air around the werewolf began to clear, even though his thoughts held more venom than I could produce. "Ugh_. I _would never hurt her." _Don't play like you're protecting her, you soul-stealing scum!_

He chose his barb well, the cur. With a hiss, my self-hatred surfaced, finding a new target in the man-child trembling before me. I may owe Jacob Black for saving Bella's life, but I wasn't above sending him to his ultimate reward, should he attempt to come any closer. He'd see just how good a protector _I_ was firsthand…before his dog-years came to an end.

"BELLA! YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!" Bella's heart skipped a beat when she heard her father's voice echoing through the trees.

_He just saved your life, leech._

"Think again, Fido," I said under my breath. He bared his teeth, and I tensed, my eyes wandering to the right where he imagined coming at me. His vulgar mental retort was music to my ears.

Bella broke the stalemate with an unceremonious "Crap!"

Black looked away first, the fire in his fight doused when he saw the concern on Bella's face. "I _am _sorry about that. I had to do what I could – I had to try..." _This is goodbye, isn't it?_

"Thanks." Bella's shaky answer, devoid of condemnation, told me she'd already forgiven him. She looked back toward the house fearfully.

I tried to follow her lead, but only managed a thin tolerance of his childish attempt to 'save' her. Speaking of which, there was one other detail we needed to settle before Jacob Black exited Bella's life, hopefully for good.

"Just one more thing. We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line – have you?"

Numbly, he answered, not sure why it mattered. "The last time was while Bella was..." He faltered remembering her determined "_Jake, I_ have _to_" the last time he saw her. "...was away. We let her think she was slipping through – we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her, but then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."

As he told the story, I saw glimpses of the forest, the recollection of Victoria's scent, and the pack's confusion over her sudden disappearance. They'd had no better luck tracking her than I. Perhaps it wasn't a coincidence...but that was something to ponder at another time. With Jasper and Emmett's help she wouldn't escape again, and I'd finish her, personally. "When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll –"

"She killed on our turf," Black shouted, his body quivering in anticipation. Through eyes that were too high off the ground I saw a remembered trail of blood. Then a finger...a kneecap...and the overpowering odor of vampire. _She field-stripped her last victim, the sadistic..._he couldn't think of a harsh enough term for Victoria. "She's ours!"

"No!" Bella screeched, her head swiveling between us like she was watching a tennis match.

Charlie interrupted us again. "_BELLA_! I _SEE _HIS CAR AND I _KNOW _YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T _INSIDE _THIS HOUSE IN _ONE _MINUTE...!" It wasn't his daughter he was planning to strangle.

"Let's go," I commanded. Keeping a secure arm around Bella, I turned, watching my own back through Black's eyes. She peeked over her shoulder at him, her expression pained – too pained for my liking.

He interpreted the look as fear of her father. "Sorry." He tried to swallow unsuccessfully. "Bye, Bells."

Bella refused to move, still focused on the mutt. "You promised. Still friends, right?"

Why was he so important to her? I eased her forward.

Black wondered the same thing. "You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but...I can't see how to keep trying. Not now..." _You can't have it both ways._ "Miss you," he said, but no sound came out. His arm rose toward her, a last flicker of hope sparked by Bella's woeful eyes.

"Me, too," she said, her arm mirroring his.

My own personal nightmare took form in her outstretched hand and glistening eyes. It was the same pose, the same longing ache I'd seen in the forest once before, but a thousand times worse. She wasn't reaching for me, she was reaching for...

"Jake…" Despair, longing permeated her word...and tore me limb from limb.

Her plea was answered by his unspoken prayers. _Walk away, Bella. I'll save you. _In his mind he saw her in his arms, then her face cradled between his filthy palms. Not a fantasy, a _memory..._one he longed to repeat. My venom-filled veins sizzled with odious revulsion.

_I love you, Bella. Come on, honey._ His fingers strained, trying to reach her, not to protect her – to _steal_ her from me.

_Never!_

Bella took a step forward, and my vision exploded in a crimson blast. _Not her, SHE'S MINE!_

It took every ounce of sanity, of control, to gently restrain Bella from running to the snake charmer's waiting arms. Still beguiled, she gripped me, not in fear, but in rebellion.

"It's okay," she said softly. Her motives were innocent, her desire to comfort. She couldn't see how he manipulated her selflessness in his attempt to coax her away. The depths of her warm brown eyes revealed her altruistic concern, and yet her reassurance, her trust in _him_, sent shards of cold fire ripping through me like shrapnel. She was ready to give him the embrace he dreamed of, not comprehending how he'd interpret such a gesture.

"No, it's not," I said, my voice hollow. I wouldn't allow him to abuse her compassion. Had I been thanking him only moments ago? Any gratitude I had for the mutt evaporated in a red cloud of hate accompanied by an overdose of jealousy.

_Your hold over her is broken, leech. _ "Let her go. She _wants _to!" Closer than ever to combusting into a rabid canine, he started toward us, a blur of quaking flesh and phantom fur. His thoughts became a jumble of curses and threats.

At a pitch above the range of human hearing, I accepted his challenge, "Over your dead body." Shielding Bella behind me, I let the venom flow, not to feed, but to poison. Quileute legend claimed that vampire bites were lethal to wolves, and I was more than ready to test their veracity, no matter how awful his blood tasted.

"No! Edward – !" Bella tugged at my clothes, her breath of a touch holding me at bay...for the moment.

Just as Black was about to release his humanity and lunge, another warning froze us all.

"ISABELLA _SWAN_!"

Charlie had unknowingly averted a war.

Bella, panicked, heaved on my arm. "Come on! Charlie's mad!" Without turning around, I used Black's eyes to see that it wasn't her father that frightened Bella. But was it me or him that scared her more? "Hurry!" she cried, begging me this time.

Neither of us missed her quick reversal. No longer was she interested in encouraging Black's annoying puppy love, she was running away from him – with me.

With a careful breath, Black literally pulled himself together, and the trembling stopped. _This isn't over, parasite._

"Next time," I promised, side-stepping so I could keep him in view as we retreated.

He held on to his misplaced courage until we reached the curve in the path that would take Bella out of his sight, and then he deflated in defeat. _Goodbye, Bella,_ he thought, mourning her as if she'd died before his eyes. He couldn't bring himself to imagine her as a crystalline vampire – one he'd have to kill.

Instead he let himself explode, his body and mind reassembling themselves into a feral, killing machine. The whispers of others filled the silence.

_Jake, where are you?_

_Are you in FORKS? You are so busted, man._

_What have you done?_ an authoritative bass voice intoned.

The pack's mental link...I'd neglected that bit of trivia. Using it to my advantage, I counted three other wolven minds in addition to Jacob's furry brain. Should it come down to war, knowing their numbers and tactics would be useful. Were there others, still masquerading as men?

Jacob's own thoughts were the last I heard as he ran through the trees. _I'm on my way back – it's worse than we thought._

As I escorted Bella along the path, the cloying scent of tears met me, but her face remained dry.

_Motorcycle...stupid...suicidal..._ Charlie was eight shades of angry.

Bella stopped, only a yard from where I'd left her a lifetime ago. She seemed to cave in on herself, as if the weight of the world had been dropped on her.

I knew that neither a promise nor another apology could ease her burden. I could only offer her one comfort...one truth...as I held her close.

"I'm here."

Bella took a slow breath, then, looking in my eyes, let my strength fill her. She said nothing, but with her arm locked around me, took a determined step forward.

We moved as one to the edge of the trees – in step, connected not only physically, but on a deeper, more intense level. The inability to hear her thoughts was irrelevant. With every breath, I felt what she felt – knew, as she did, that there was only one path for us. One future. One hope.

On cue, my phone vibrated in my pocket. Alice's vision must have cleared with the dog's exit.

Bella heard the buzz, and winked at me when I turned the phone off.

No matter what our future held: war, peace, immortality, matrimony, or even death; only one thing mattered.

We'd face it together.

_~ Fin ~_


	24. Outtake: Missing

_Author's Notes:_

_As a thank you to all my loyal readers and a welcome to all my new ones, here's an outtake for Dark Side of the Moon. A little change of pace, this is Charlie's experience (as I see it) during the three days Bella was in Italy. Let me know what you think!_

_As always, I couldn't post anything without my fabulous betas. NoMoreThanUsual and StruckUponAStar keep me in line and on target, and find all my grammar errors, too! Ladies, I love you lots!_

_Also, Dark Side of the Moon and another story of mine, Seduction, are up for three Eddies and Bellies awards. I'd appreciate your vote at www(.)thecatt(.)net/tw/Vote(.)aspx_

_Voting ends in two days on the 28__th__ of February._

_Thanks so much for all your support!_

_In Charlie's voice

* * *

_

**Missing**

_Saturday, 18 March 2006, 1:34pm_

"Bella?"

I wasn't surprised to find the house quiet. Bella's truck was still home, but the black Cullen sedan was gone. As uncomfortable as I was with Alice's return, I had to admit that Bella looked more rested than she had in weeks. For once I hadn't heard her scream in the middle of the night. Maybe Alice could convince her to stop waiting for Edward.

I went up to change – my old suit was too similar to the one they'd buried Harry in. I remember Renée picking it out for me. We'd had big plans then, to get out of Forks and move to a big city. But then my folks had become ill and everything changed. I couldn't leave them to die alone.

Peeling off my jacket, I told myself for the hundredth time that I should give it away – it fit even worse than the last time I'd worn it. But it was something Renée had liked.

I guess I shouldn't fault Bella for holding on to him – I wasn't any better, was I?

The first clue I had that something wasn't right was the dried green powder in the bottom of the bathtub. The Comet was balanced on the side of the tub, next to a pair of blue rubber gloves and a sponge. Someone – Bella – had been cleaning but left the job undone. She hadn't been anything but meticulously neat and responsible since he'd left...what had caused this?

Shrugging off my discomfort I went to her room. The door was open, like usual, and I stopped at the threshold. Privacy was important to both of us, and I respected hers.

The first thing I noticed was the open closet door. Clothes hung at odd angles, half off of the hangers. The drawers of her dresser were askew, and her school books were thrown across the floor. Her backpack was missing.

_No, not again._

Racing down the stairs, I couldn't help the feeling of déjà vu that choked me. God, it'd been almost exactly a year ago she'd flown out of the house...only to be found bleeding and broken three days later fifteen hundred miles away.

I only glanced at the family room – the sheets and blankets sat neatly folded up on the corner of the couch. The kitchen was similarly tidy; Bella's dish from breakfast was dry in the rack. Then I saw the note.

_Dad,_

_I'm with Alice. Edward's in  
trouble. You can ground me  
when I get back. I know it's a  
bad time. So sorry._

_Love you so much,  
Bella_

She was gone.

_No, no, no!_ I slumped into a chair and slammed the hastily scrawled message on the table in front of me. _Edward's in trouble. _ Crap! Last time she'd run from him, this time she ran _to_ him? After the hell he'd put her through, how could she just drop everything and go to him?

He was in trouble…so what? He wasn't here when _she_ was in trouble – he left her in the damn woods for Chrissakes! _Why, Bella?_

I knew exactly why.

I knew what it was like to lose the love of your life, to watch her walk away forever. If Renée had called me, saying she was "in trouble," I probably would have done the same thing.

The fact Bella had inherited my inability to move on hurt almost as much as Renée's desertion. Bella was willing to give that boy everything, and he was obviously willing to take it, no matter what it did to her.

Well, I wasn't going to let him ruin her again.

First, I had to find him…no, _them_. Carlisle. Alice. All of them.

My first call was to the station.

"Steve, this is Charlie. Have you seen a black Mercedes around town?"

"Hey, Chief. Mercedes? Nah, haven't seen one of them since the Cullens left. Why?"

_Because my daughter ran away in one._ "Alice Cullen was here. I need to get a hold of her."

Steve covered the phone and asked whoever was in the office with him. "Eli thinks he saw a black car race through town this morning – he figured it was one of those tourists from California."

California – _that's where they moved to,_ I remembered – but the car still had Washington plates. "What time was that?"

More muffled talk. "Between nine and ten, he thinks. Headed north."

Three, maybe four hours head start. If they were headed to SEATAC, I could still catch them and try and talk some sense into Bella.

"Chief?"

Could I use state resources to track down my daughter? What if she called from the mall in Seattle to tell me Edward had lost his keys? What would I do if it was Pastor Webber's daughter who'd pulled a stunt like this?

I know exactly what I'd say. _"She's allowed to go where she wants to, isn't she? If she's not a minor, and without evidence of foul play, we should wait for her to call."_

But I'd waited last time, and Bella had come home in pieces. My baby was legally an adult, and if she wanted to leave, I had no recourse to stop her. She'd left willingly so I couldn't honestly report her as missing.

Not yet.

Discretion won over parental panic. "Here's what I want you to do, Steve."

I relayed the plate number and instructions, then hung up. Next to the phone, the answering machine taunted me with its bright red zero. No messages, other than the slip of paper on the table. I couldn't just stay here and wait.

The story was Carlisle had taken a lucrative position at some southern California medical center. Someone at Forks Community Hospital had to know where he went…it took time to process bills and insurance. Surely they had an address for him.

I slipped on my heavy uniform jacket and headed to the car. A personal visit would get me answers faster, and get Bella home sooner.

*~*

_Sunday, 19 March 2006, 12:19am_

They kicked me out of the hospital when the graveyard shift came on.

I'd spent the entire afternoon quizzing everyone in a white coat or scrubs, and gotten the same, vague answer every time.

"He said something about a teaching hospital...USC, UCLA, UCSD...I'm not sure which. He wasn't specific," had been the response, no matter who I asked. "Try payroll," they suggested, but the payroll office was closed until Monday.

I got a little more help in the records room. The clerk spent twenty minutes pulling files and looking for Carlisle's name, but not a single one listed a consultation with anyone outside of the hospital. Even the clerk was surprised – most of the staff doctors called the bigger facility in Seattle for advice from time to time.

She did provide me with a directory of west coast hospitals, and showed me to Carlisle's old office. No one had been hired to fill his position, and apparently no one had wanted the view he had of the parking lot.

Once alone, I made a quick search of the space, finding only a pencil, a box of staples and a few blank pieces of paper. I sat down in his chair and thumbed through the directory. Page after page of California hospitals, medical centers and clinics greeted me. I had no idea where he'd moved to, only that it was the southern half of the state.

So I decided to call them all – from Santa Barbara to San Diego.

By midnight, I knew the operators who answered 411 by first name, that Ralph Cullen practiced urology in Long Beach and that Martin Cullen delivered babies in Pasadena. Carlisle Cullen, however, had vanished into thin air.

I also checked every phone number – cell phone, pager, fax – _every_ number anyone had for the Cullens – but all had been disconnected or reassigned. According to voicemail, his old cell number belonged to G. Randall, a woman. I left a message anyway – the same one I'd left on every other answering service.

"Hello, this is Police Chief Swan of the Forks, Washington, Police Department. I'm trying to locate Dr. Carlisle Cullen. If you have any knowledge of his whereabouts, please call..."

When the duty nurse came by to tell me the night staff was coming on, she found me staring at the blank wall. "Chief, if there's nothing more for you here, why don't you go home? Maybe with fresh eyes you'll see something you missed. I can leave you a message at home if anyone remembers anything else."

_What I wouldn't give for a message from Bella._ At the top of every hour I'd dialed my own number. I'd had my hopes raised once, hours ago, when the mechanical voice told me I had one new message. My hope was short-lived, hearing a low, familiar voice on the recording.

"Charlie, it's Steve. The Cullen house is dark. No one's been here for a long time. If you go out there, be sure to bring a machete. No word from the airport yet, but I don't expect to hear from them until tomorrow at the earliest. I left a full report on your desk."

I couldn't help but call her name when I walked in the house, even though I knew I'd get no answer. The place had never seemed so dark and quiet. I was afraid it was meant to stay that way.

When my stomach rumbled, I realized the empty feeling in my gut was more than fear – I hadn't eaten since the wake. Numbly I opened the fridge and grabbed the first plastic container I saw.

Fork in hand, I dropped into my favorite chair in the family room, not bothering to take my jacket off, and popped the lid off. Chicken and rice; Bella must've made it yesterday. I'd eaten with Sue and gotten home late. Leaving Bella alone with Alice had been a mistake – I should have asked her to come with me to the funeral. Maybe she'd still be here if I had.

_Bella, where are you?_

*~*

_Sunday, 6:34am_

I woke up to the sun lighting up the windows and with pieces of chicken in my lap. My back ached from sitting in the chair all night and my left hand was numb from supporting my head. I'd been dreaming that Bella was cooking me dinner, reminding me to hang up my coat and wash my hands before she filled my plate. Was that the only memory I'd have of her? Keeping house? No wonder she left.

But what did _he_ have to offer her? Money? She'd never needed much, and wouldn't like the extra attention the wealthy seemed to attract. Jacob had so much more – a history, a home, an equality. With his fancy car and manicured nails, Cullen could never understand Bella. It was no wonder he threw her away when he was done with her. Jake wouldn't do that – he'd do anything for her.

I stiffly lifted myself out of the chair and picked up the mess I'd made. Reluctantly I stumbled up the stairs, making myself finish the job Bella'd started in the shower before cleaning myself up. Even though it was Sunday, I put on my uniform. It was harder to brush off questions from a cop than from a concerned father, and I planned on rattling some cages today.

After forcing down a bowl of cereal and a cup of instant coffee, I headed out. I'd wasted enough time cold calling hospitals; today I'd follow procedure. The Cullens lived here for two years – they had to have interacted with most of the local businesses. I'd canvas the town. If anyone in Forks knew anything about them, I'd find it.

The local postmaster would be one of the first I'd contact. Russell wouldn't appreciate being roused on a Sunday, but he must have some record of where the Cullens had their mail forwarded. I'd also make a personal visit to their house. I hadn't heard if they'd put it on the market yet. One of the local real estate agents would be know; I'm sure they'd all asked about selling the property. Maybe one could arrange to get keys to their place.

Before that came Bella's list of known acquaintances. I doubted her school friends knew anything – Bella had been fine – well, sort of – she'd spent all her vacation time either at work or at La Push. At least until Alice had shown up.

I pulled a U turn and headed for the reservation. Until Alice arrived, Bella and Jake had been inseparable, but since Thursday, I hadn't seen hide nor hair of Billy's son around my place. What was it with the Quileutes and the Cullens?

Jake had been late to the funeral yesterday, and arrived upset. Not sad-upset, more like irate. I hadn't thought much of it, but now I realized he didn't even ask about Bella. He hadn't said a single word to me the entire time.

Jake must know something – he and Bella must've had a falling out when Alice showed up. Considering how Billy hated the Cullens, it'd be no surprise Jake'd be angry if Bella left with one of them.

Billy was right all along in distrusting them. What Edward did – not just dumping Bella but literally throwing her to the wolves – was the act of a lying coward. _"She'll be safe with me,"_ he'd once said. Like a fool I'd believed him.

I pulled up in front of the Black's tiny home, surprised when Billy didn't meet me at the door. Knocking, I tried the knob and let myself in.

"Anybody home?"

Billy rolled down the hall toward me. "Charlie? What're you doing here? On your way to Sue's?" He sounded oddly suspicious.

"No. I came out to see Jake." I watched Billy shift in his chair. "Did you know Bella took off yesterday with Alice Cullen?"

"Well, Jake mentioned something about Bella and her…_friend_." He spit the last word at me.

"What did he say exactly? Did he say where they went?"

Billy rolled over to the rickety coffee table and picked up the remote. "I don't remember anything specific," he said.

"Dammit, Billy – I haven't been able to reach her all night! Why didn't you say something sooner?" He'd known she was gone all this time and didn't say a word? He'd been a nosey busybody about everything else when it came to Bella, but her leaving wasn't important enough to mention?

Billy didn't look up. "She's your daughter. I figured she'd told you about it."

My jaw hit the floor. Some friend he was – one day he was fawning over how nice it was to have a woman around the house and now she was _my_ daughter? Two-faced, self-serving ass!

Fine, I'd go to the source. "Where's Jacob? Jake, you here?" I practically yelled.

That got Billy's attention. He rolled toward me, blocking me from the bedrooms. "He's sleeping – he had a late night."

_He_ had a late night?

We both heard the grunt from the bedroom, and I glared at Billy. "Sounds like he's awake to me. Jacob Black, get your butt out here, NOW!" I commanded.

"Coming," a voice said, barely muffled by the thin walls. No witty remark or teenage whine. _He isn't surprised I'm here._

Billy backed off, grabbing his coffee cup. For the first time in a decade, he didn't offer me any.

"Hey, Charlie, what's up?" Jake said with a yawn. Wearing nothing but cutoff Levi's, the kid towered over me. He ducked under the beam holding up the ceiling before pulling a t-shirt over his head.

"Jake, tell me what you know about Bella disappearing with Alice Cullen." No beating around the bush.

He looked at Billy with tired eyes. The elder Black said something in Quileute, and Jacob looked at the floor. "I don't know anything."

I slammed my fist against the wall, leaving a dent in the sheetrock. "Don't do this to me! She's gone, and all I have is a note! What the hell happened?" I didn't have jurisdiction on the reservation, but I'd find a way to give them grief if they refused to help me.

Jake's face went slack. "I went over to see how she was doing before the funeral, and she was packing. All she'd say was that b...b...bastard Cullen was in trouble." He tripped over the words and his eyes narrowed, burning with jealous fire.

"Edward Cullen," I clarified.

Every muscle in Jake's body rippled with anger. "Yeah, _Edward_. She had to go…_help_…him."

"Where? Where'd she go, Jake?"

He started toward the kitchen. "I don't know." He shoved his head in the fridge and started digging around.

I may be a small town cop, but I'm not stupid. He knew where she was, or had a damn good idea. Billy avoided my gaze as well…he knew too! "What exactly did she say to you? You have some idea – where the hell is she?"

"Honestly, Charlie, I don't know. She wasn't making a lot of sense." He stood up with a gallon of milk in one hand, a loaf of bread in the other. "I tried to stop her, I really did. But she wouldn't listen to me."

Part of what he said was true. He didn't want her to go, that I got. "You're a crappy liar, Jake. What are you hiding? Are you protecting Alice Cullen? 'Cause if Bella's in trouble..."

Jacob spun around toward me so fast I automatically reached for my gun. "Me? Protect Alice Cullen? Never!" he snarled.

I took a step back.

"Settle down, Jake. Charlie's just worried about Bella," Billy said.

Jake gave him a look that screamed, "_He should be."_

"What kind of danger is she in, Jake? Please, help me find her," I pleaded.

He gave Billy a frown, then put the mangled loaf of bread on the counter. "I wish I could help you, Charlie, but there's nothing else I can tell you. I begged her to stay, she said 'no.' End of story."

He turned his back, and my temper went full-boil. "Don't walk away from me, Jacob Black!"

"Charlie, stop it. She's not here, and Jake doesn't know anything. You've heard everything." Billy rolled between me and his son. His chin pointed up at me in defiance.

"What makes you think Bella's in danger, Jacob?" I said, ignoring Billy.

Jake shivered, but didn't speak.

"He didn't say that," Billy said. "But the Cullens have always meant trouble, especially for Bella." He spun his chair around, shutting me out. "How about you start another pot of coffee, Jake."

I threw the front door open, leaving another dent in their wall, stopping when I pushed the screen back. Betrayal ate at me from the inside out.

"If you think this is over, you've got another think coming. I thought you two cared about her. Some friends you are." Something crashed in the kitchen, but I didn't look back.

Fine. I'd find her without their help.

*~*

_Sunday, 11:45am_

"I told you on the phone there wasn't much." Russell handed me the small stack of mail addressed to Dr. Carlisle Cullen. "I only keep it cause he _didn't_ file a forwarding address, only a stop delivery request."

I flipped through the envelopes: a PUD notice, a magazine renewal, and what looked like a greeting card from the hospital. The last postmark was over three months ago.

"No cable bill or bank statements, huh?" When my folks died, I got mail for them for years.

Russell glared at me. "Ya think I go through everybody's mail?"

I gave him a disbelieving snort, but didn't lift my face from the letters.

He whipped off his hunting cap and wadded it into a ball. "They never got much in the way of bills or letters. You might try Hal over at UPS – he use ta complain 'bout that hidden driveway of theirs."

I handed the stack back to him. "Thanks, Russ, I'll do that. I appreciate you opening up for me on a Sunday."

Turning to go, Russ opened the door for me. "So what'd the Cullens do, Charlie? Why you hunting them down after so long?"

"I just am. If you hear anything, give me a call." Admitting Bella had run off again was just too hard. I hadn't even told Renée...a task I was dreading.

The secret would be out tomorrow, if Bella didn't show up at school. Why couldn't she just call?

*~*

_Sunday, 2:05pm_

"Hey, Chief, how ya doing?" Mark looked up from the solitaire laid out across his desk.

I pretended not to hear him. He didn't want to know how I was doing. "Have you heard from SEATAC yet?"

"Uh, yeah." He carefully moved one stack of cards and revealed a pink message slip. He squinted at the scrawl on the scrap. "They confirm the car is in their short term lot, but won't take any further action without a court order. If it's still there after three days, it'll be considered abandoned and will be towed."

A court order…which meant a police report and an official declaration that Bella's disappearance was under suspicious circumstances. Jacob's nonverbal accusation still stuck with me – he believed she was in danger – but was that enough to file a missing person's report?

"Is that from Cora's?" Mark pointed to the white bag in my hand.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Here, you can have it." I'd visited every open business in Forks and ended up at the diner. Cora had handed me the sack, saying something about the special.

Mark didn't hesitate and snatched the bag. "Thanks. Isn't Sunday apple pie day? Oh, yeeesssss." He waved a Styrofoam box under his nose.

I'd pulled out the phonebook and was thumbing through the real estate section while he polished off the last of the pie.

"You okay, Charlie?"

I pushed myself back from the desk. "No, not really. Bella didn't come home last night." I felt like I'd swallowed a baseball.

Mark pushed his hat back on his head. "Holy smokes, Charlie. I'm sorry." He set the bag down on my desk. "And the Cullens have something to do with her disappearance?"

I nodded. "She was contacted by her ex…" I choked "boyfriend and went to him. I just want to make sure she's okay."

"You think she's not?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But the last time..." I rubbed my eyes.

Mark walked back to his desk and cleared his throat. "You know – not that I'd ever tell you what to do, mind you – I'd go ahead and file a missing persons. My friend on the Seattle PD says people do that all the time, and it gives them access to things like phone records. He says they usually track the missing kids down in a few hours that way."

But there weren't any phone records…were there?

_Yes!_ I flipped on my computer and drummed my fingers waiting for the thing to boot up. "That's a great idea, Mark, thanks." _Edward had called Bella._ If I could get the number he'd called from, I'd know _exactly_ where Bella went! Something Alice'd said put a hole in my new balloon of hope.

"_The last time I spoke with him, he was in South America."_

No, she couldn't have left the country. Did Bella even have a passport?

"If you need any help, let me know." He gathered his cards and shuffled. "By the by, there's still a tasty looking sandwich in the bag. Cora'd kill me if I ate your whole lunch."

Lunch? What time was it?

Looking up at the clock, I cringed. Bella'd been missing for more than twenty-four hours.

*~*

_Sunday, 6:00pm_

"I'm gonna grab a bite, can I get you something?" Mark pulled his coat off the back of his chair.

"Nah, you go ahead."

"You'll find her, Charlie, I'm sure. Try and get some rest, 'kay?"

My eyes rose from the latest set of forms I'd printed off the internet . "I know, thanks." Finding Bella was one worry, finding her alive and healthy was my real fear.

With a sloppy signature, I picked up the stack of papers and shoved them in the fax machine. Even after filing the missing persons report with the State Patrol, I'd had to fill out form after form to get access to my own phone records. My hand ached, the printer was out of toner, and I was no closer to finding Bella.

When files had been downloading, I'd snuck in a few calls trying to find out the status of the Cullen property outside of town. Like every other question, the answer was "there's no record of anything." How, in the twenty-first century, could an entire family just disappear?

Every time my phone had rung, I'd grabbed it, hoping against hope it would be Bella. When it rang this time, I moved a little slower, expecting it to be another apology and dead end.

"Hi Charlie," the quiet woman's voice said.

"Sue? …Sue! Oh, shoot, I was supposed to come over tonight! I'm so sorry." I'd been so wrapped up in finding some trace of Bella, I'd forgotten that Sue had been expecting me for dinner.

"It's okay, I'm sure you're busy. Billy told me what happened. You must be frantic." Her tone wasn't accusing, just exhausted. More bad news on top of her own nightmare.

"I'm doing all right, thanks." I looked at the picture of Bella smiling back at me from the computer screen, next to her description. I'd had to scan the picture sitting in the frame on my desk – the one from her birthday. "I'd probably better take a rain check, if you don't mind," I said with a guilty twinge.

If Sue was disappointed, she didn't let it show. "I understand. The kids are here. We probably could use a little time alone."

"I'm sorry. How about I come over tomorrow, or Tuesday, maybe?" Sue was counting on me to go through Harry's garage with Seth.

There was a quiet pause on the other end. "How about Tuesday? The kids are going back to school tomorrow, and probably need a little time to adjust to that."

"Okay. I'll come over after work. Take care, Sue."

"You too, Charlie."

I hung up the phone with a sigh. Bella was supposed to go back to school tomorrow, too. What would I tell _them_?

Rather than figure that out, I dialed the house for the twentieth time.

"No new messages," was the response.

*~*

_Sunday, 10:23pm_

I woke with a start. What was that beeping?

As soon as I moved, the sound stopped. I realized my hand had fallen on the keyboard and pressed enough H's to make the darn thing freak out. Rubbing my eyes, I shut it down.

I'd been staring at airline schedules, thinking I'd figure out what flight Bella and Alice might have taken. I didn't bother calling the airlines; I knew passenger lists wouldn't be released without a really good reason, and only if specific flights were requested. Requesting lists for an entire day's worth of flights because my daughter had runaway would get me laughed out of the airport.

Reluctantly I locked up and went home. The house was deathly quiet, just like it had been a year ago. Not even a year – it'd only been six months ago I'd found another note that'd led to an even more desperate search.

_Going for a walk with Edward up the path.  
Back soon,  
B_

I looked out the kitchen window at the edge of the forest. She'd been found, hypothermic and catatonic. How would I find her this time? _Would_ I find her this time?

I trudged to my chair, unable to face her empty room. I didn't know how I could be a better father or friend to Bella, but as I settled myself in my chair, I promised God I'd try.

_Please, God, give me the chance._

*~*

_Monday, 20 March 2006, 8:01 am_

I was waiting at the door of the hospital payroll office when the secretary unlocked it.

"Good morning, Chief Swan, you're here bright and early," the woman said with a smile. We'd never met, but I wasn't surprised she knew who I was.

"Yes." I followed her into the office. Today I'd woken up stiff, again, but with a purpose. While Monday brought with it the reminder that Bella had been gone for two days, it also brought more possibilities to for finding her. State offices and banks would be open, as well as this office.

She set down her newspaper and travel mug and hung up her coat. After she'd settled herself behind her desk and offered me one of the opposing seats, she asked, "What can I help you with today?"

"I'd like to see the employment records for Dr. Carlisle Cullen, please."

She looked over her glasses at me before rising and opening the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet in the corner. "May I ask why?" she said with her back to me.

"I need to contact him. No one here seems to know where he's moved, and I assumed _you'd_ have his new address on file." The woman's neat appearance and precisely aligned papers told me she was not only organized, but proud of it.

She pulled out a manila folder and set it on her desk, exactly centered between her keyboard and newspaper. "You assume correctly, Chief. But I can't give this information out to just anyone." She laid a hand on top of the folder.

I wasn't in the mood to play King, or in this case, Queen of the Mountain. "I'm an officer of the law, ma'am, sworn to uphold it, not abuse it. Misusing that information would be like writing tickets on a car that's legally parked." I glanced at the keys partially hanging out of her coat pocket. "Like a Nissan, perhaps. There's not many of those in Forks."

Her face turned to stone. "Of course, I didn't mean to imply anything, Chief." She passed me the folder.

"Thank you." I eagerly flipped open the file, finally having located the information I'd been seeking for two days.

It only took the briefest of inspections to tell me the information inside didn't have anything to do with Carlisle Cullen. "What is this?"

Yellowed pages that had to be twenty years old were stuffed in the folder, all labeled _Robert Colton_.

The woman came around the desk with a sigh. "It's a chronological record of employment, starting with Dr. Cullen's application and ending with his resignation. It's all very…" she leaned over my shoulder, "clear."

I pointed at the name on the first page. "Oh, it's clear all right."

She pushed her glasses up a little higher. "What is this?" She double checked the tab on the folder – it did say 'CULLEN.' It was the only thing that did.

I would have laughed at her confusion, had I not been so disappointed. "Whatever it is, it's the wrong file."

With a swift motion, she swept the aging pages out of my hands. "I see that. How did this happen?" She flipped through the pages, her finger visiting her lips every five sheets or so. "Dr. Colton hasn't worked here for years. His file is supposed to be in long term storage!"

At least there might be hope. "Do you think Dr. Cullen's file got sent to storage instead?"

The woman scowled. "No, that's not possible." She stooped down to the drawer where the file came from and paged through it. "I check every file that gets sent out. It's not possible," she repeated.

Clearly, it was. My luck couldn't get any worse.

She switched to another drawer, her cheeks getting redder by the second. "I don't understand what happened! I've been here for two years, and completely inventoried and organized all the files. Everything, and I mean _everything_, was in order on Friday."

"When was the last time you checked Dr. Cullen's file?" I asked.

She slammed the drawer shut and sat down. "It's been a while, now that you mention it." She tapped a few keys on her calendar. "Actually, I haven't received any requests for Dr. Cullen, either payroll or insurance-wise since he left, last September."

More oddities in the Cullens' disappearance. "Is that normal?"

She turned back to me. "Not so much with reimbursement, Dr. Cullen probably had direct deposit set up." She held up her hand. "And yes, that would be in his file. But normally there'd be some activity on cases he'd left open. Insurance claims are notorious for being late."

I stood up. Just another dead end. "Well, thank you for your help."

The woman stood also, and straightened her skirt. "Chief Swan, I'll find out what happened to the records. It'll take a few days to locate Dr. Colton's records in cold storage, but I promise you I'll get to the bottom of this." She flipped open a gold case lined up next to her stapler. "Here's my card. I'll contact you as soon as I locate Dr. Cullen's information. In the meantime you might check with the state board. They should have some records regarding Dr. Cullen."

"Thank you, Ms. Patterson. I appreciate your dedication."

I left her thumbing through a third drawer in her cabinet.

*~*

_Monday, 10:01am_

Just like the hospital, I mingled with the first customers of the day in front of Forks Federal Bank, waiting for the doors to open. Janet Stanley took her time opening the door, checking out each person standing outside as she did.

"Good Morning, Chief," she purred as I walked past.

I gave her a nod, and headed back to Charlotte Gerandy's office.

Like her husband, Charlotte Gerandy was a practical person. She didn't seem to be quite the gossip Janet was, and not a power-grabber like Ms. Patterson at the hospital. I expected this visit to be efficient and fruitful.

Unfortunately, I was only batting five hundred today.

"I'd love to help you, Charlie, but the Cullens didn't have accounts here. And, to save you some leg work, I'm pretty sure they didn't have any at the other local banks either." Charlotte picked up a pencil. "You'd have to ask around, but I think they paid for everything with credit or cash. I've never seen a check with their name on it."

"Rough life," I mumbled. The folding chair I was in squeaked when I stood up. "Thanks for your time, Charlotte. Give my best to your husband."

*~*

_Monday, 12:01pm_

"Let's go, Charlie." Mark tugged on my jacket, trying to get me out of my chair.

"Where?" I'd been staring at the computer screen for an hour and had to work to focus on my deputy's face.

"Lunch. On me. You look like you've been run over by an eighteen-wheeler. Let's head over to the diner and stretch our legs. A little fresh air would do you some good, I think."

What had started as a day with possibilities had turned into one disappointment after another. I'd come back to the office to search the Washington State physicians database. Carlisle Cullen was listed, but the site hadn't been updated. His residence was listed as Forks, he'd applied for a license to practice in the state in 2003, and was approved the same year under a reciprocal licensing agreement with Alaska. The record had no other information in it.

I'd found the California site as well, but no Carlisle Cullen was listed in any county. Maybe I did need a break – I'd planned on searching every state's list, but my eyes were already drooping.

"You're right. Let's go." It was an unusually sunny day today, a day Bella would have enjoyed. With a sigh, I followed Mark across the street.

Our regular booth was empty even though the rest of the restaurant was bustling. Monday was the day the locals reclaimed their territory from the weekend tourists, and the day Cora served her Open-faced Lumberjack Roast Beef sandwich. I had one every Monday.

"Chief, Deputy," Cora said, setting down an iced tea in front of Mark and a water in front of me. "You look like you could use something a little stronger, Charlie. Would you like a cup of coffee, too?"

"Thanks Cora, that'd be great."

She left to warn the cook that "the fuzz is in the house," her way of placing our orders. I took a sip of water, wishing for the thousandth time that I'd wake up from this nightmare to find Bella making pancakes at home.

"Still haven't heard from her, huh?" Mark asked. He dumped three packets of sugar in his tea and stirred it with his straw.

"No." I really didn't want to discuss Bella with him in such a public place – Janet Stanley was only two tables over.

Mark leaned forward. "You know, you could contact that guy at the FBI you know…Agent Steel."

"Agent Siols. I know. I've thought about it." _Most of the night._ The more I'd thought about the Cullens' complete disappearance, the more I'd wondered if there wasn't more behind it than just a job change. "The FBI is a big deal, though." I hadn't even gotten up the guts to call Renée.

"She's been gone, what, two days now? It's time to call in the big guns."

At that moment, Cora set my coffee on the table. "Here you go, Charlie."

"Thanks." I shot Mark a glare so sharp it'd cut glass.

"Sorry," he mouthed.

Cora's next stop was Janet's table. Their heads bobbled up and down so fast I was pretty sure they weren't actually connected to their bodies. So much for keeping Bella's disappearance quiet.

We didn't speak again until our lunches came. The hoagie buns were piled high with roast beef, horseradish, and mashed potatoes smothered in gravy, but I couldn't find the urge to eat it. I picked at it instead, dipping my fries in the gravy.

"So what are you going to do next?" Mark asked after checking to see that the dark-haired town gossip had left.

I picked up my coffee cup. "I don't know. Wait, I guess." Wait for the records check at the hospital. Wait for my phone records to show. Wait for the Mercedes to get impounded.

Wait for Bella to come home.

"Why don't you take tomorrow off? I can cover for you. Maybe pay a visit to Seattle and see what you can find there." He popped the last of his sandwich in his mouth.

"Maybe." What if she came home while I was gone? In a rush of déjà vu, I heard myself scolding Bella.

"_No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him."_

_I can't just wait for her, either._ I'd spent my whole life waiting, it seemed. Waiting for Renée, now waiting for Bella.

No more waiting, not when I could still do something. I tossed my money on the table before Mark could get his wallet out. I had a phone call to make.

"Thanks for lunch."

*~*

_Monday, 1:27pm_

"You've reached Agent David Siols. I'll be out of the office the week of March twentieth. To reach my superior, Agent…"

I hung up the phone. It'd taken me twenty minutes to get up the nerve to call Dave – I hadn't seen him in two years. I'd been counting on him remembering me from the Homeland Security seminar he'd given, and that he'd be willing to do me a favor. With possible leads on the Cullens dwindling, I needed help.

But I couldn't leave him a message. "Hi Dave, my daughter ran off with her girlfriend to help her ex-boyfriend and now all of them, including the boy's talented surgeon foster-father have disappeared off the face of the earth. Give me a call, 'kay?"

There were other agents in the Seattle field office, I should just call one of them. It seemed likely Bella crossed state lines…wasn't that enough to get a little help?

I started to dial, but hung up the phone, again. No, I couldn't tell a stranger. I'd make the drive to the Seattle office tomorrow and do my begging in person.

I picked up the phone a third time, and without hesitation dialed the house. When I heard "you have one new message," I almost cried. When I heard the voice on the message…I _wanted_ to cry.

"Hi Bella, it's Mom. Haven't heard from you in a few days, baby, was wondering if something was up. Call me soon, okay? Love you."

And I thought it was hard calling the FBI. How would I tell Renée I'd lost Bella…again?

I flipped on the monitor and pulled up the listing of licensed physicians in Arizona while I thought about it.

*~*

_Monday, 9:46pm_

Forty-seven states later, I shut down the computer and went home.

I'd successfully put off calling Renée long enough that I couldn't do it tonight. Ten o'clock here meant one o'clock in the morning in Florida. I'd wait until morning.

There was one Cullen in Florida. She's a podiatrist.

I'd had one other message on the machine – Mrs. Cope asked about Bella's absence from school. I'd put her off, too, pretending I didn't get her message until after the school'd closed for the day. Maybe I could leave her a message in return and avoid getting questioned about Bella.

By the time I got home, I was a walking zombie. I couldn't remember most of the drive, and when I parked in the driveway, I was sure I saw something big moving in the trees. A quick sweep with my flashlight proved how out of it I was.

Mark had been nice enough to have my lunch bagged, so I had 'real' food to eat for dinner. Even as depressed as I was, I managed to consume the cold meat and potatoes, though I didn't taste any of it.

Convincing myself I had to get at least one good night's sleep before I tackled the four hour drive to Seattle, I climbed the stairs. It took me quite a bit longer to make it into my bed.

I stopped at Bella's door. The hall light shined right on her bed, a fact I used every night to check on her. She took up most of the mattress now, but as I stood there, I saw a younger Bella curled up under the quilt.

"Will it be sunny tomorrow, Dad?" she'd ask every night.

"I don't know. You'll just have to wait and see," I'd answer. She'd always been more worried about the rain than about monsters under her bed.

An even younger Bella had stood in a crib in that same spot. "Dadda," she'd call, one hand out, the other clutching the bars, steadying herself. "Story, Dadda," she'd beg. I made up stories about princesses and heroines, princes and villains, until I was blue in the face. It was always the "and they lived happily ever after" that was her cue to go to sleep.

What I wouldn't give for one of those.

_Please call, Bella. Even if you don't come home, please, just call._

*~*

_Tuesday, 21 March 2006, 4:33 am_

I didn't hear the phone ring in time. By the time I'd realized I'd actually been asleep, and then what had woken me up, the answering machine picked up.

"Hello, Charlie, this is Carlisle Cullen. I'm sorry to call so early, but…"

"Hello! Carlisle?" I croaked. I still wasn't sure I was awake.

"Yes. I was saying I was sorry for calling so early, but I wanted to let you know Bella is safe. She's here with us." He sounded strange. Sort of angry, sort of disappointed.

"Let me talk to her."

A sigh. "She's in the shower. She didn't want to wake you."

"I…where…what the hell happened?" I rolled onto my back, trying to get my thoughts in order.

"I'm not really sure. Esme and I got back a few hours ago and found Bella with Edward and Alice. The exact reason why she's here hasn't been forthcoming." His voice tightened. "I hold my children responsible, however."

_So do I._ "The last word I got from Bella was a note saying 'Edward's in trouble.' That was three days ago, Carlisle! I expect answers." My voice broke. "And I expect my daughter to come home."

"We're leaving for the airport in a few minutes. We'll have her home by noon, I promise."

I started to ask "which airport," but was interrupted by a doorbell in the background.

"Charlie, I hate to cut this short, but that's our shuttle." His voice became muffled. "Esme, tell Bella it's time to go." There was a _clunk_, and he spoke to me again. "We'll get her back to you as fast as we possibly can, Charlie. See you soon."

"Wait, Carlisle, let me –" _CLICK_. He'd hung up.

"Damn him!" I shouted. I suppose I should be glad – the phantom Cullens had reappeared and were bringing my Bella back to me. But if she was so close, why couldn't I talk to her for even a second? I still had no idea _where_ she was!

Noon…If I left right now, I could be at SEATAC by nine. When did Carlisle say they'd get here? Lunch?

I pinched my eyes shut, trying to factor in the drive time from Seattle to Forks. Counting backwards, I figured Bella would have to land by eight, if she was to make it home by noon.

_I'd never make it to the airport in time_.

I had to wait here.

I pushed the 'Talk' button on the phone just to hear the dial tone. Had the call really happened, or had I dreamed it all? Was I dreaming now?

I decided to follow Bella's lead and take a shower. Then maybe I'd be able to believe she was really coming home.

*~*

_Tuesday, 5:48am_

The coffee maker perked even slower than usual this morning. I watched each drop fall from the filter into the pot, resisting the urge to keep count. One drop took longer than the others, and I was sure that time had actually stopped.

The shower did help me wake up; the first thing I did after getting dressed was to find the phone book. I'd never used the call back feature on my phone before, and had to look up the code.

After dialing *69, I was greeted with the same voice that had woken me.

"_You've reached Carlisle Cullen. I'm unable to take your call. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911. Otherwise, leave your name and number at the beep, and I'll return your call as soon as possible."_

I'd hung up, shaking my head. Three fruitless days of trying to reach the Cullens, and _he'd _called _me_. And I _still_ didn't know his phone number.

The coffee maker burped and gurgled, announcing it was finished. I decided toast was in order and dropped in a couple slices of bread before pouring myself a cup.

I couldn't help but look up at the clock. 5:53. This was going to be the longest morning of my life.

*~*

_Tuesday, 6:18am_

Call waiting, call forwarding, three-way calling…I had no idea there the phone company had come up with so many features. Each carried its own charge, of course.

I turned the page of the phone book and took another dry bite of toast.

Huh, they had instructions for mouth to mouth in the phone book? Who knew?

I'd decided to sign up for call blocking – once I found out Edward's number – when I heard the newspaper hit the porch.

*~*

_Tuesday, 7:35am_

_BEEEP_

"Good morning, Mrs. Cope. Thank you for reminding me to report Bella's absence. She'll be out today, too, she's not feeling well," I lied. If Bella didn't have a good explanation for why she took off, she'd better at least be sick with guilt. "Hopefully she'll be back to school tomorrow." I left my work number; if Mrs. Cope needed something important, Mark'd call me at home.

The only section of the paper I hadn't read was the classifieds. I wondered if I'd find any good deals on parts I could pass on to Jake.

The paper crumpled in my hands. No, I wasn't speaking to the Blacks. Jacob was on his own from now on. If I caught him driving in town, he was going to get a personal tour of the Forks Police Department's holding cells.

*~*

_Tuesday, 8:15am_

Thank God for Sportscenter and the NCAA tournament. Finally something that could take my mind off of counting seconds.

"The Elite Eight starts in two days. Who's destined for the Final Four?"

*~*

_Tuesday, 9:58am_

"Next up, more Sportscenter. Who's going to make it through to the Final Four? Who has the wildest fans? And, most important, which cheerleaders have the biggest…pompoms? Stay tuned."

_CLICK_

"Today on Maury: Kids who runaway for love…"

_CLICK_

"Sham-WOW can soak up an entire bottle of…"

_CLICK_

"John, I'm leaving, and taking Marie. Don't try and…"

_CLICK_

"Rap artist Jay-Z…"

_CLICK_

"Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist…"

_CLICK_

"First up, West Virginia versus Texas…"

*~*

_Tuesday, 10:34am_

I finished polishing my pistol and loaded it. Sure, Bella would say I was 'going caveman' by wearing my gun when she arrived, but that boy'd better understand he'd better not show his face around here ever again.

I holstered the gun, then checked the expiration date on my can of mace.

*~*

_Tuesday, 11:13am_

I grabbed the phone after one ring.

"Bella?"

"No – Sue. Is this a bad time, Charlie?"

Sue…Sue…Clearwater. Shoot! "No, of course not Sue. How are you?"

"As well as can be expected. I was calling to see if salmon would be okay for dinner. I know you eat a lot of fish, and well…" Her voice trailed away.

What day was it? "Is it Tuesday already?"

"Yes, all day," she said with a nervous laugh. "If you can't make it out, that's okay. I know you have a lot going on, too."

"I'm sorry, Sue, dinner slipped my mind. I know I cancelled once, but I finally got word about Bella this morning. She's on her way home." Allegedly.

"That's great news, Charlie, you must be so happy." She sounded sincere. "You should be there to meet her, definitely. You know, she's welcome for dinner, too."

That'd be nice, assuming I ever let her out of the house again. "Thanks, you're too kind. Unfortunately, Bella's going to be grounded for the rest of her life." I heard something in the front yard and walked to the window.

"I understand."

Carlisle Cullen was opening the back door of the missing Mercedes. "They're finally here – I have to go."

I caught her "Bye, Charlie" before the phone hit the floor.

"Sonofabitch!"

My vision blurred, seeing Bella's lifeless body in Edward's arms. With one hand on my gun, I threw the door open.

_So help me, I'm going to kill him._

*~* *~* *~*

_Friday, 24 March 2006, 2:50pm (three days later)_

"I'm taking off. You got things covered, Steve?" I checked the clock – Bella would be getting out of school in a few minutes.

Steve didn't look up, engrossed in the latest issue of _Field and Stream_. "Sure. If anything big happens, I'll call you."

The phone rang, interrupting his reading. I put on my jacket while Steve answered it. "Police Department, how can I help you?"

He stopped me with a wave before I could make it out the door. "Hey Charlie, it's for you. A Ms. Patterson?"

Patterson…Patterson…I drew a blank. With another glance at the clock, I took the receiver from him.

"Charlie Swan."

"Chief Swan. This is Ms. Patterson at the hospital. We spoke on Monday?"

Oh yeah, the obsessive-compulsive administrator. "Right. That issue has been resolved, Ms. Patterson, I should've called."

"I suspected as much. However, I still wanted to close the loop on the…misfiling…we discovered. You were right; somehow Dr. Cullen's records got switched with Dr. Colton's and were accidentally sent to long-term storage."

I dug my keys out of my pocket. "I'm glad to hear that. I…"

"I have them here, should you still like to see them. Dr. Cullen himself was in this morning to verify they were accurate."

_I'm sure he was._ "No, that's not necessary. Thank you for letting me…"

"It's quite a coincidence that you ask for his records, and then he shows up. You actually saved me from a very embarrassing situation with the board. They re-hired him, and I needed those records."

I sighed. Edward'd already given me _that_ little gift. He wasn't going anywhere, dammit.

"Yeah, quite a coincidence." She took a breath, reloading for another barrage, but I didn't have any more time to stroke her ego. Using one of the oldest tricks in the book, I turned down the squelch on my radio until it let out a loud, crackly hiss. "Oh, that's a call coming in, I have to go. Thanks for everything," I said quickly and hung up.

Steve snorted.

"Don't even go there – you do it to your _wife_." I was out the door before he could deny it.

I thought about driving past the high school – those kids could use a reminder to slow down – but chose the back way instead. Maybe next week. I'd love to give Edward a ticket…or two…or three.

Fantasizing about towing the snobby silver sedan to the impound yard, I pulled into the driveway. Bella's truck was nowhere to be seen, or heard, but she'd be home any second.

I'd hung up my gun belt when I heard the rumble of the Chevy. Through the window I saw Bella hop out of her truck and wait while said Volvo came to a stop six inches from her bumper. _Irresponsible showoff!_

The look of sheer joy on Bella's face when Edward took her backpack and collected her under his arm made my heart ache. While I loved seeing her so happy and relaxed – she hadn't had a single nightmare since he'd returned – I recognized hers as the face of an addict. He was not only her dealer, but her drug, and she couldn't see how he controlled her.

I stomped into the kitchen and threw open the fridge. What was I thinking, having Bella come stay with me in the first place? I was about as equipped to be a father as I was a surgeon. I winced at my own bad joke.

The front door opened at the same time I closed the fridge. Can in hand, I turned to greet my scowling daughter.

"Hey, Bells, how was school?" I saved my sour look for her escort.

"Fine. Don't you have a job anymore, Dad?" She propped her hands on her hips.

Before I could speak, Edward put a hand on her shoulder. "Bella, your father's only concerned about you. He has every right to make sure you get home safely."

I did a double take. Edward was defending me?

"By the way, here's your mail, Charlie."

I was still collecting myself when he put the stack of envelopes in my hands.

With a huff Bella rushed past, dragging Edward behind her.

I shook my head. I knew what he was doing…what did the kids call it now? _Kissing ass._ Edward was one slick devil.

Thumbing through the mail, I followed them into the kitchen and leaned against the counter.

Cable bill, Sports Illustrated, a coupon postcard from Newton's, and a fat envelope from the phone company made up my haul for the day. The last envelope was too fat to be a bill. I dropped the rest on the counter and ripped it open. Lists of dates and numbers greeted me, going back to the beginning of the month. Confused, I flipped through them.

_My phone records!_ I'd forgotten I'd ordered them.

While Bella nursed her frustration by taking out her books one by one and slamming them on the table, I perused the pages until I found Saturday's listing. It took me a minute to figure out which were numbers called and which were received, but it one number that stuck out from all the rest. The 323 area code was obvious enough, but the 'Los Angeles, CA' listed next to it confirmed that it had to be Edward's.

There was one way to find out. I picked up the phone and dialed.

Edward started to put his hand on hers when I heard the buzzing. I tried not to laugh when he slid his chair out so he could retrieve his phone from his pants pocket. That's when I hung up. _No sense in getting charged for a long distance call._

He looked at the number and then at me. "Can I help you, Chief?"

Rather than answer him, I spoke to Bella. "I was wondering who'd called last Saturday from LA. Now I know." I waved the list of numbers in the air.

"What is that?" Bella asked.

I passed her the papers. "The call log for the house phone." Figures I'd finally get a solid lead _after_ she came home.

"Call log," she repeated, her face turning pale. "_This_ is your number?" She looked at Edward, confused.

"For a few more days. We'll be getting local numbers next week," he said smoothly, stroking her hand. "I'll let you know when we get switched over."

_Great. Why don't you take a hike so she can try it out?_

Did he just snort at me?

Still confused, Bella gave the papers back. "Why do you have these, Dad?"

"Why do you think? You were gone. I had no number, no address, no idea where on earth you went." I glared at the boy sitting next to her. "Did you think I just stayed home and knitted the whole time?"

She and Edward shared a guilty look.

"Guess not," she murmured, suddenly engrossed in drawing diamonds down the margins of her notebook.

Edward's mouth opened, to apologize again, no doubt, but I turned around and opened my can. If I heard another 'I'm sorry,' I'd puke.

Wisely, he said nothing

It only took Bella a very quiet half hour to finish her homework. She packed up her things, but Edward pushed a new stack of papers toward her.

"What's this?" she asked.

"College applications." He gave Bella a surprisingly stern look.

College – already? I'd just gotten Bella back, and she was already planning her next escape. Even Renée had lasted longer than a year and a half.

"Great," she said, as enthusiastic as I felt. "I already applied to WSU."

Edward didn't blink. "It's good to apply to several universities, to keep your options open."

Bella flipped through the pages. "Most of these schools are back east."

"I thought you'd like to see someplace new. Emmett loves it out there."

Yeah, I could see all of the Cullen kids in Ivy League schools.

"How about Alaska?" I murmured. The farther Bella was from him, the better.

To my complete shock, she smiled. "Yeah, how about Alaska?"

Edward said something I couldn't make out and pointed her to the last page in the stack. "I've got that, too."

Bella set the rest of the pile aside. "I'll do this one first."

Seeing Edward's grimace, I felt a flicker of hope. He didn't have complete control over her.

Hoping to fan this spark of independence, I headed into the family room and turned on the TV. I took a long draw from my drink, comforted by the squeaks and whistles of the NCAA basketball tournament. Maybe things could get back to normal.

But it was still awfully quiet in the kitchen…

"If you need any help with dinner, Bella, I'm right here," I said, turning down the volume in time to hear her sigh.

_I'll always be here for you, Bella.

* * *

_

_End Notes:_

_There's a lot going on here that Charlie doesn't see – did you catch all the ways the Cullens covered their tracks? Missing files and forged phone records are just the start._

_And who caught Jacob's wolf cameo? It's pretty subtle…_

_Drop me a review and let me know what you thought!_


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